Summer Rose

Season

2011-12-18T16:18:00.001-08:00

Brother's and Sister's

2011-06-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

This month has been full of unseen circumstances for one the man that abandoned I and my two siblings died on June 25Th almost a month ago, for myself and my brother it was no big deal he left us for another woman and didn't contact us for 28 years. Last December my brother C, received a phone call from him asking to come to Fl my brother's exact words I would rather go to Cali and see my sister than to see you! My brother was already homesick and his call made it worse my brother Anthony (not used as his first name) calls me crying I want to come home Sis ( he has always calls me sis for the longest time). Please come and get me, I explained to him if I had extra money I would bring him home, we cried and I prayed for both of us.

I asked him what happen he explained to me about the phone call received he told me he would never go without me no matter what happens he kept his promise, the end of June was the memorial service for the Jackass that left us. My brother and I did not attend, my sister attended the memorial service she called and started yelling at me because Anthony was suppose to be there I explained to her, if she would keep in contact with Anthony that she would know the truth. As hard as she took it she insisted on fighting me over this stupid guy that died. Hell I don't care if she wanted closure for some Jackass that didn't send my Mother child support when we were grade school and beyond. He asked for what he got and Karma gave him prostate cancer.

I did ask for advice from my Father who faced reality and remains in contact with me. That is another story and yes I have forgiven him and has received love from his first family. He explained to me in the Mexican culture it's respecting the dead, he also knew that Jackass abandoned us which makes it even difficult to attend some one's memorial service if there was no contact for 28 years.

I did receive so awful text messages from the Bitch that was engaged to another man, and pursued a man with a family and was married also known as adultery in the passages of the bible. I know in some parts of the world that is considered death by any means, but for my Mother who raised three kids by herself with little financial help from the county and asked our neighbor's son who was operating an almond factory my mother would not been able to feed us kids or bought clothes for us.

The text I received from the wicked witch of the East, were out of line and unforgivable.

Text #1 Sorry your just jealous because your brother and sister talk to their father.

When in fact that neither one of us had ever had contact with him for 28 yrs doesn't give her the right to tell me I'm jealous.

Text #2 Jackass did talk to Anthony and Kay until you stepped in.

Text #3 Was just as worse as the first two.

That's a lie I lived with my mom, brother, and sister and further more I talk to Anthony more than he talked to his father. Of course she didn't like what I text back to her, I sent the text messages to Anthony he was pissed to say the least actually someone would have gone to jail if I and Anthony went to Fl. because neither one of us would not put up with any one's crap, or let anyone tell me I'm not related to Anthony or my sister Kay.

Believe me it got much worse on July 4Th I and Anthony gave her more of a negative reception than anyone has ever received, I asked her what right did she have to take the only man I knew after all she was engaged and marry someone that was already married, of course she blamed it on the green cards.

An excuse I will not accept I told her Ohana means family, and we were a family until she showed up! Not only did I get into a fight with her, Anthony had his revenge on her as well. Anthony let her know on no certain terms was she going to tell him I'm not his sister, nor was he going to allow him to be bossed by some bitch that is not his mother!

She tried to call him her son in Spanish my brother told her on no certain terms was she her son nor was she a mother to him because our mother is no longer with us, she was not the least bit happy to hear that my brother would not accept her as his mother. Oh well that's how the mop flops you can't always have what you want, only what you receive.

Each word and phrase was not what she had expected of him, either way we had our sweet revenge on a person who caused nothing but heartache and shame, I think mom would have been proud of us for standing up to someone who deserve whatever life throws her way. I have no pity for a person who stabs another family in the back, and takes their parent away from them, it's cheap and disrespectful.

July 11, 2011

I came home from work and checked my f.b. to see how Anthony's best friend was she didn't make it her heart failed her, she died of congestive heart failure on July 11Th at 11:00 a.m. I called Anthony to tell him the news, his voice mail was backed up with messages he hadn't erased. I called his friend and let him know his best friend and adopted sister had gone to be her heavenly father, and to call home as soon as he can.

Last Thursday I went to the memorial service, I took Anthony's place even though I knew her for a short time it was best that I attended the service she knew my mom, sister, brother and myself. I ran into a few of my brother's former co-workers, and a security guard that worked where my brother had worked.

On the day that I was leaving I found out from Jackass's former boss he had a 401 k that was put in an account, his wife received the money while his former family suffered through tough financial times. His former boss was shocked to learned that I his daughter did not attend his funeral nor did we have contact for 28 yrs, at least I know where the money went to his second family what a bitch!

I told Anthony what I had learned he was not happy to find out that his 401 k went to her, that was suppose to be for us as payback for what he still owes us, we will not nor will we get that money back at least my mom got three children to love out the mess.

I don't care what anyone says he adopted me and I became his daughter not through my mom and his love for each other but through adoption papers, and I can give a rats ass what anyone says my two siblings are mine!

Both events happen within three weeks of each other, one I cared for more than the other. I stayed with my childhood neighbors and attended her church that is how I found out about the 401 K, as they karma gets even with those who have done wrong. I also believe blood is thicker than water. For what it's worth I'm now over my anger of the situation with Jackass he had his chance to contact us and he choose to wait until last December.

His idea for making for lost time was a little too late on his part he should have said something a lot sooner than what he did. I remember the Judge who did the divorce for my mom, was the same one who did the adoption for me to become part of his family, the judge had warned him back in 1993 he may not have receive a warm welcome.

I and my siblings made sure of it, we didn't give them a warm welcome it more of a what the hell do you think your going to get by coming to see us!?! He had his chance not to bring her and for whatever reason he brought his second wife which made matters even worse for the three of us. She claims my mom and her were best friends they were more like enemies than friends.

This is all for now I've got more to write as it is this late being published C. G. asked how I was and since I started this a while ago I figured I get it posted while I can.

How do I find my list of bloggers?

2010-12-02T14:34:00.000-08:00

I have thought about writing for quit some time now, just haven't had the chance to blog. I miss makes be feel so much better once I get my thoughts out and not have so much clutter, today I decided to do some reading low and behold I lost all of my favorite blogger. My guess is Google changed their settings or something happen hell if I know, but at least whatever happen to my favorite blogger at least I have a place to vent.

So what has Summer rose have been doing? Still attending school I have a year and a half left I'm feeling good about accomplishing something without quitting although there have been a few times I felt the need to quit, the impact out weighed the consequences so I managed to keep going and keep dreaming. Both have kept from not losing my mind, at least both of my boys will have some say in the matter when they get older.

Jr. is a sophomore this year in high school, he wants to attend a community college in Idaho where his Uncle lives I'm a little torn by his wanting to venture out after high school, but I also know the choice is his to make I can't stop him. His reading is getting better everyday he's got a good R.S.P teacher which is good, at first he put up a fight of wanting to transfer to another high school after we had him attend an IEP meeting ( Individual Education Plan) he realized how much his mom has to collaborate with teachers and other staff members.

He learned real quick mom finds out everything, and now he's brought up his grades in history, P.E. and a few other classes along the way, his teachers admire his progress. He's reading at a third grade level, I explained to him he needs to start setting up reading goals and see how many he can accomplish by the end of the school year. We are both going to be working hard toward his reading goals.

As the day and months have worn on there is a grey cloud hanging over our loving family and it's one that I have to share. As I had mention a few months back C came home for good it's been about 5 months since I and Ch had brought C home, at first his behavior was positive at school and at home, recently that has changed he started hitting again threaten to run away which he tried to do luckily he didn't get too far, punched holes in his bedroom walls which Ch and I have to patch I ended up taking all of his toys out of his room again. Not something I was looking forward to doing.

Tonight we had family therapy and told C and the therapist we will not tolerate any more bad behaviors C knows his negative behavior doesn't do him any good but only gets everyone angry. He also knows if it continues we as his parents have the right to have him physically removed from the home, it's not that we don't love him or don't want him. It's the fact once again I'm being hit when C is in a bad mood, it's not easy living with a child who constantly pushes everyone around him.

I know he doesn't have any friends to play with except for the xbox and a bike to ride, it's not easy for him to not have any one to play with. At the same time I, Ch, and his older brother play games with him take him out fishing when Ch is going with his dad. Other times he's watching t.v. I know it's tough on him not having any one his own age to play with, there isn't much I can do about it at the moment. C is good about completing his chores except for cleaning his room for some reason he has a hard time with that task, maybe it's a boy thing I don't know.

With every thing going on with both boys they are both getting along just fine, sure they have their sibbling moments at least it's not like it use to be. J has been able to keep his wits about him and not cause trouble, I've gotten to the point to give J a lot of free time. J helps with cleaning the house while I work late on Fridays by the time I get home from work the house looks nice he's a real whiz at cleaning. Since he has youth group at the Church we attend he stays in R.V. and hangs out with his friends, it's good for him to be with his friends he grew up with. Living 5 minutes away from R.V. has taken a toll on J, he understands why we had to move but he still misses living in R.V. and I don't blame him so do I.

Last but not least, Ch brought home a kitten from work. He couldn't help himself she was stuck in one of the buildings out at the Real McCoy ferry on Highway 84, he couldn't resist. Come to find out at least 30 cats live out there, this one was either dumped or the mother abandon her Ch, pictured text me and said look what I'm bringing home, at first I thought he was kidding and when I text him again he said he wasn't. Her name is Squeakers, at first I wasn't sure if she was going to make it. I told Ch we should've named her faith, because she made it through the first 72 hours of being with us, she's been bottle fed for the last three weeks from the information I found she's about ready for kitten Chow.

Well this all for now I'm going to be working on blogging a lot more in the coming weeks that way I can start clearing my thoughts, I need to do this more often I forgot how much stress I can releave just from getting my thoughts out of my head.

Happy Holidays to those who are still interested in reading.

A little Venting

2010-07-06T17:06:00.000-07:00

Since C will be arriving July 16Th with all of his stuff he has collected and other belongings, I and Ch finally told C he will be coming home on July 16Th for good. No more bridge toll unless one of the kids needs to see the doc, and how we broke the news was over breakfast before leaving to Ch's co-workers house, the co-workers wife will be watching C on Friday afternoons since I don't arrive home until 5:00 p.m. because I work late, since I only work three days out of the week and I cannot cut my hours at work the co-workers wife said she would watch C for us.

That is not the part that bothers me the most, is the fact my in-laws took it all in stride, no words of I'm proud of you, positive comments that my mother would have said. Not a damn thing did they say both of them knew before C knew he was coming home.

What pisses me off the most is neither one of them care to even say I'm so proud of you what the hell! IT'S THEIR GRANDSON! Not one word did they say hey summer and Ch I'm happy he is coming home for good. We're proud of the hard work you have done with C, I'm to the point I want to move out of state so no one has the right to our boy's.

Is this the way grand kids are to be treated or acknowledged for his or her hard work give me a break! I've done all I can tried to make Ch's parents respect me all I get is you know the boys are out front you should be helping them with the water balloons well excuse me for having homework during a holiday weekend! And I'm sorry if getting good grades is what matters most to his parents!

I'm to the point of not telling them stuff about either one of the boys they don't care, since Ch's sister has gotten married and is off on the weekends. It's more about them, I guess being married for 15 yrs that is to be expected of them, it's like I don't matter to either of them. I've come to accepted it and finally have come to terms with it.

I know it's my fault for coming between Ch and his dad, I realize it now. As for his mother we don't say much to each other, ever since I told her I would be attending University of Phoenix, she had the nerve of saying why don't you attend the Community College it's cheaper and they help you. I did not like the Community College and after talking with the staff at University of Phoenix I had a better opportunity of having better access to the instructors and guess what I'm happy.

Because I choose the school that meets my learning needs, it's my choice of what college to attend, I'm sorry for not having the brains she has. But at least I know somewhere down the road I will have a better paying job, to support my family and loving my family is more important than dealing with his parents.

Sorry for venting but I needed to get this off of my chest, and maybe it was wrong of me to do my homework on the 4Th of July, Ch understood where I was coming from and is supportive for going back to school even though it's been tough but I'm succeeding.

It's Summer Already!!

2010-06-22T16:26:00.000-07:00

Here it is almost the end of June and I come back from taking an unwanted break and find blogger has changed their settings! Being that I love to mess with settings I thought I would at least give it a shot so here is my new look for new beginnings. I have found that being away from here has taken a toll on me I miss the ones I comment on, I also miss the ones that use to be on here, you know who your leave a message on my GMail account just let me know you are doing well.

In other thoughts of writing I might as well tell my readers or what is left of them, I and Ch are doing very well, C will be discharged from the bay area on July 16Th 2010, I and Ch are a little nervous, excited, and hopeful, C has made a lot of progress in his abilities of controlling his moods both at home and at school, he is in between grades in school. Meaning he can handle 3rd grade math but his reading is in the 4Th grade, he has no idea he is coming home next month.

We were advised to wait until July 4Th weekend to tell him, I am happy he's able to return home without med of any kind only verbal directions C is able to control his emotions. We are grateful for a wonderful family therapist and the staff for helping C when he needed to be directed to do his work. C is able to tell us what is bothering him and how he is feeling when he is here on the weekends.

As for our oldest he just finished his first year of high school I cannot believe he will be a sophomore on Aug 16Th, he was barely starting school, now a high school student! He is doing well we had a tough first year of high school teachers not wanting to help us with homework so J Jr. would have a better understanding of math his reading is coming along, I'm not pushing him to do well there he's gotten the concepts of reading.

I just completed another class this time accounting squeaked by with a C+ I'm proud and happy to have passed it! I still don't know all the concepts of accounting but for now I'm not worried about it, if I need it in the future I'll keep the book just in case, I'll use it for a reference. If not I'll use for a coaster!

My hubby or to those who know him best Ch is doing well, he is still an acting supervisor with the state cutting their staff and individuals retiring they haven't found anyone to take his place so he can step down and be a lead worker. Knock-On-Wood! I like having him on days he's home when I'm home I don't have to worry about a baby sitter when I have to attend school.

I would rather him working the day shift especially with C, coming home I would rather have both of us at home during the week except when I have school, and both of us are here we can at least try to have family dinners as much as possible.

This is all for now I'm sorry for a long break, mainly school is taking up most of my time and seeing C every week hasn't helped, soon this blog will be up to date on everything are doing and what we plan on doing in the future.

Before I forget Jr. is going to summer bible camp for a week! :)

Unwanted News

2010-05-03T22:57:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how to put what I'm about to say in words, nor do I believe it was true I had to call my Auntie to comfirm what my loving husband Ch told me was true. I lost my Uncle he was the one who gave me away at my wedding my brother was suppose to do the honor, until my Uncle stepped up and said no I will, since it was more of his place than my brother's.

We always had a family bond my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin who is now here in the states use to come down from Sac. and spend the day with us, or we would go up for the day and end up spending the rest of weekend with my Aunt and Uncle because my mom would have a glass of wine and that would be it. We knew were staying, for another day, they lived across the street from the school so I my brother and sister would play at the school we had a lot of fun, we use to hide from my Uncle. The three of us would run back to the house laughing because he would be searching for the three of us, or we would be sitting on steps of school while my Uncle would be walking around in circles looking for us.

Our favorite words would be oh were you looking for us? We've been here the whole time, not that he really cared one way or the other, he loved kids him and my aunt could not have any not sure why and since it was not something us kids wanted to know, we figured it was best to leave the subject alone.

Other times my Uncle and Cousin would come down without my aunt, she loved visiting us we had rabbits, chickens, and cows. It was more of a petting zoo for her for us it was work from the time got up until dusk, we did not mind it, we showed her how to hold a rabbit without getting scratched and pet the cows without getting hurt we even had her feed one out of her hand she thought it was cool. Talk about one strange Cousin living in the City she didn't get the opportunity of farm life that we had.

My Uncle R. went to be with the Lord on April 16,2010. he passed from Cancer in his throat, and in his stomach. My Aunt was with him he peacefully left her, I found out on Sunday April 18Th, I had to tell my sister and my brother that our Uncle had passed away. My sister refused to come down and spend the weekend with me, I begged her pleaded with her, she would not budge. I ended up calling her and telling her the news.

My Uncle was 67 when he passed he told the three of us to promise him we would not ride a motor cycle to this very day I still will not ride one, neither would my siblings Ch asked me why I would not get on one I finally told me because I made a promise I would not ride one that promise has been kept since I was 6 years old, or even older.

I went up to my Aunt's house the weekend before last, I didn't tell my sister I was going it was better since she seems to have enough stuff going on she didn't need to know, I even suggested her coming to stay with me for the weekend of his remembrance service to be held on June 1st. She said she's too busy.

My Uncle donated his body for research to U.S.C, that was his request. Although he is no longer with us, he created a face book profile I finally joined, I found his page went through his friends list found his daughter my cousin contacted her, then I found another Aunt who lives in IA. She will be here during Memorial weekend. Her youngest daughter lost her husband today he was a truck driver not sure what happen he leaves behind a 10 year old daughter.

Before my Uncle died Jr. and him were talking about my birthday him and my Aunt were going to come down and spend it with me. J Jr. was out spring break prior to his passing both were saying how bored they both were, my Aunt still works and since my Uncle was told to take it easy face book and my space was his outlet keeping in touch with family. Now my Aunt has to make sure she keeps in touch with the family.

My Uncle isn't suffering from the surgeries, he isn't eating three to six small meals a day, the doctors removed part of his stomach and esophagus in order to get rid of the cancer he was in remission for one year, recently he couldn't keep anything down and loosing weight fast. My Aunt took him to the doctors and found the Cancer had returned.

There was nothing the doctors could do, my Aunt took care of him, they were married for 38 years would have been 39 on Nov 1st. Even though he is gone he made everyone laugh he loved I and my bother and sister.

At least he got to see me get married I believe that was his goal in life is to see me married to some one who loves me very much. As for my two siblings my brother has to remain out of state and my sister has already said she will not be coming, life goes on.

I needed to get this off my chest, I do miss him I'm praying my Aunt will stay in Cali for a few more years. I don't want to her to move to Co, it would be too far for me to visit. We will see what the year brings.

Happy 35th Birthday

2010-04-16T18:02:00.000-07:00

If I can think of myself as loved,
I can love and accept others. If
I see myself as forgiven, I can
be gracious toward others.
If I see myself as powerful, I
can do what I know is right.
If I see myself as full, I can
give myself freely to others.

~Kathy Peel~

Happy 16th Anniversary

2010-03-12T16:07:00.000-08:00

It is true I and Ch have been married for that many years, which seems unreal to both of us. We celebrated our Anniversary in San Francisco last weekend, mom and dad-in-law watched both boys for us; and gave us one of their time shares to stay for the entire weekend away from home.

The weather was nice, middle sixties the room was amazing; we took a trolley down to Fisherman's wharf walked around, for a while then we headed across the street to some shops along the way, I found a place called Pick a pearl; I had seen one on the wharf near Bubba Gumps I didn't think to have stopped since there was a crowd standing around.

We decided to walk on the other side of Fisherman's wharf I wasn't sure if I should stop or keep walking I just wanted to check out their jewelery which turned out to be hey why don't you try your luck of getting a pearl? I was about to walk away when the employee of the shop suggested I take one of his coupons, so I did.

At first I wasn't all for it, then again I don't usually get anything, but hey! you never know until you try. I did what the employee said to do I said a Hawaiian blessing, the anticipation of finding a real pearl in a oyster shell is not that often, turns out my 16Th anniversary present was indeed a real black pearl.

I could not believe it! I have a black pearl that I will be put in a ring, as soon as I find a ring that I like. Ch was surprised but not as surprised as I was especially when the employee said it's worth some money, of course setting the pear in a ring is not cheap I'm already looking for a place that will set it in a ring for me.

We even took a boat ride under the Golden Gate and, around Alcatraz Island it was a nice ride; The wind was starting to pick up and the sun was going behind the clouds made it for a pretty sun set. We headed back to the hotel, and got ready for our evening out.

In stead of going back to the wharf we ate at a little Italian restaurant the food was good, then we walked over to the Cheese Cake Factory and got a two person cheese cake and brought back to the hotel room. It was a nice evening, the weather was perfect no rain, wind or fog to make our stay unpleasant.

As for our boys they had a good time with their grandparents, C was good for both of them there was no fighting or complaining from either one of them. C was a little disappointed at first but he got over it, both boys do not get to see their grandparents as often as they use to since we moved.

It's not often I and Ch get go out as much as we like to since both of our jobs have taken a financial hit, at least we are both working and making sure all the bills get paid, I'm about a month away from starting my core classes in Business management, I'm a little nervous since I will be starting on a new night and with new students who are obtaining the same degree as myself.

On a side note we had two I.E.P meetings for both boys, C will be starting his schooling down here as soon as we know there is an opening, he will be returning home around June 18Th of this year. He has made incredible progress and improvement in his behaviors and his academic level is coming together. He is showing signs of wanting to come home, which is good.

As for Jr. he is doing well, also making progress in academic skills in reading and math are improving from where he was a year ago, he is having a difficult time with his speech, so we are asking for additional help in that area.

Other wise everyone is doing well, I'm glad to be posting today, because it's raining and cold out side, and my home work is just about done for the weekend.

2010-02-07T10:03:00.000-08:00

I have lost some of my private bloggers due to computers crashing, please send me your links through my email at summerrose06@gmail.com, that way I can set up the blogs I keep in touch with.

Every one is doing fine we expect C to be home either in May or June of this year, more on the details as soon as I can between home work and school which by the way two more years to go and debating of going for my masters haven't decided on that yet.

May the Colts win today either and if the saints win so be it.

An Eventful Year

2009-12-30T23:23:00.000-08:00

This is one year that has made me think of what I and my family has been through, between family counseling, losing our home of 9 years and moving not once but three times in one year would make any parent lose his or her minds. Not to mention a cat in tow that some how survived the moves, it's amazing how little time is spent wondering how long this will last or what each day may bring.

I'm looking forward towards a future of good health, peace, and love for the next year. I'm done worrying about my job it is there for any one's taking; it is not my place to stress over the small stuff but to look at what I have achieved and what I'm achieving for my future. It's not about me it's about learning to let go, it is knowing friends and family that makes a person feel secure, it is knowing how far I have traveled.

It's about counting blessings every day no matter how bad of a day I'm having it's nice to come home and be loved by my boy's, it is learning to cope with one bad move to a more pleasant spacious house that I'm slowly making into a home, three stories is enough for us. Four bathrooms, four bedrooms one I've turned into an office and guest room, it's affordable and the floors are actually even.

thousand twenty-six is what we are paying it's the best we can do on a tight budget, we have struggled before and we will continue this struggle until the govenator is out office, I'm not sure if I'm voting this year, everyone wants state workers to take more furlough days which means another $100.00 from my husband. It's gotten to the point if we could move it would be to another state, but for now we are ridding out the storm.

We look forward to bringing C home for good in mid May late June, he will continue to his social services through Sac county, we have decided to return him to Spectrum where he was before his transfer to San Leandro. It's the best we can do for all of us at the moment; his outburst have diminished except when C does not get his way, we don't have to restrain C, or give him any meds he is doing exceptionally well in controlling his anger.

Although there is not many kids C can play with, it's not easy when he's away most of the time except on the weekends; I don't have to make as many trips to Castro Valley or to San Leandro, after our vacation over the summer we talked with C's therapist and explained our situation they found a way of picking up C on Sunday's and I pick him up on Friday's after work.

Ch received a call from his mother not about a month ago, she and her siblings took the keys away from Ch's grandmother, and the car was given to us. My prayer was answered, we needed another automobile since Ch will be selling his Toyota, to pay not one computer but for two, my laptop is slowly dying, we took it to best buy, the guy said it either has a virus or the motherboard is about to give up. I'm praying earnestly my laptop will last me until I get my home work accomplished in the next few days, we can not borrow any money from my father he moved to Mexico a month ago.

My mother-in-law lent us money we have to pay her back for getting us into a house that is basically falling off it's foundation and no insulation, the house has furnace and no one bothered to install smoke detectors or fix leaky faucets so we moved out, the day after Christmas. Thankfully it was month to month rent. Other wise we would not be able to move, I'm praying we get our deposit back; that will help.

For now this is all I'm going to write, I know it's not much for me it's enough; life may have thrown me a few curve balls at least I have my spirit of a fighter. I don't plan to give up but only to move forward in the coming year.

May you all have a Happy New Year!

In Memory Of J.L.

2009-12-01T22:29:00.000-08:00

As of 10:00 a.m. pacific time my best friend Linda lost her husband to brain cancer, I was there until 1:00 a.m. this morning arrived home at 1:30 a.m. got a few hours sleep after hitting the snooze button a few times.

I have cried but not in front of Linda she needed me to be strong for her, her family is grateful for a friend like me, J.L. is now resting with the Lord; I did give him his last massage last night after I worked on Linda and her daughter who was the verge of having a panic attack.

I went over there after receiving a phone call from one of her cousins to come that J.L. had passed. The family Christmas tree will not be turned on until I feel I'm ready to have it lit, as I'm not in the holiday spirit although I did pick up a gift for a needy child, I'm not ready to celebrate the birth of our savior.

Please bare with me as I'm in grieving for the loss of a client and a friends husband.

I leave you with this:

Live from the Center is a life of unhurried

peace, and power. It is simple. It is serene....

We need not to get frantic. He is at the helm.

And when our little day is done we lie down

quietly in peace, for all is well.

Thomas Kelly

An Unwanted Call

2009-11-29T22:06:00.000-08:00

I knew my best friends husband has brain cancer, and this morning I received the call that I have been dreading for several months. My dearest friend's daughter called me this morning around 7 a.m. here's the recap of how that conversation went; it did not take me long for me to get ready and be at her house within an hour after I received the call.

Me: Good morning

Sarah: (not her real name) Mom said you would be up, I thought she was kidding.

Me: Is every thing alright?

Sarah: No how soon can you get here...it's dad...the doctors have given him about three days to live.

Me: I'll be there as soon as I can tell your mom as soon as I get Jr. up I'll be there about 9 a.m.

Sarah: thank you

I went over to their house before church this morning, stayed until 10:20 a.m. then we went to church, after wards I brought Jr. home picked up my phone charger and headed back to Linda's (not her real name), house to see how she was holding up. I didn't care who was there or who was standing around; she needed me and I was glad to have gone, I didn't spend much time with Joe (not his real name) I figured he had enough visitors in his room that would last him a few hours to spend with his family.

Two of his brothers were traveling back to their home states, while others were flying into Oakland airport tomorrow, I'm going back tomorrow to hang out with my best friends family I know this is a difficult time for all of us. For me it's hard because he was my client, I was the first to give him a full body massage he enjoyed it after his first battle of brain cancer was won. this time he's not so lucky.

He gave himself to the Lord about six weeks ago, he knew he wasn't going to make it to see his first grandchild to be born this coming May. He knew I was there because he asked if I wouldn't mind stopping by later today and tomorrow, I left my massage cream at Linda's house I told her I'll pick it up tomorrow. Here it is 10:03 p.m.

This is all I have for now my mind is still reeling over the days events, I still have homework to do and I would like to get it done before tomorrow.

I've seen you guy's pass me....

2009-11-14T17:49:00.000-08:00

But I never thought I would see one of you on top of k rail then having to be pulled by a tow company, although I must say truckers are either safe when driving or in a big rush with little room to move; this one started five miles back before he came to rest in the middle of the k rail. My mom in-law was on her way to work when this trucker had a mishap, the driver was going faster than the intended speed limit, mind you high way 12 is getting a new face lift at this moment in time.

The truck driver was given a ticket for reckless driving, and I'm sure his trucking company would love to see a pic of how well their driver drives this one ended up on k rail with no place to go. I didn't believe it at first until I and Ch were over at his parents house and asked if we had heard about a big rig that drove onto the k rail, we both said no. Ch being a state worker had thought was to be an accident on 12, when in fact it was this driver on k rail.

Although I must say I've seen you guys take a little more road than necessary but I guess your just one of those unlucky ones to find themselves up off the road.

Please be sure to read the posting on high way 12 they do say 45 miles per hour and for a good reason. Please be sure to know there is k rail ahead.

Finally I can Blog Again

2009-10-24T22:52:00.000-07:00

I wasn't aiming to take a long break from posting, it just happened to be two classes that took up most of my blogging time, one of them was History or Religions I will be throwing that book in the recycle been outside. Or I could let C have a stab at it and let him use it for scratch paper, even though I did pass the class with some out side of team members help; I was very happy to be out of that one. My next class seems to have me in stitches Human Motivation, this will be my last week of it, if there was anything I learned is make sure there is not a typhoon around to knock out power and the Internet! I spent at least 5 minutes getting my Internet up and running my mind drew a blank for at least three days before I could come up with a final topic to write.
Yep writers block doesn't help when I'm pressed for time.

As for my boys they are doing very well Jr. turned 15 years old last month, C turned 9 on Monday I'll have to find a way of getting pictures of the boys and their friends on here. I've attended meetings with C's counselor by myself Ch is working days and is unable to leave work because he's in charge of two ferries that run between the two islands, that has been overtime in a half for him, which is good since we found out Ch is in need of glasses now there are three of us wearing glasses, I keep telling myself all in due time I'll have a better paying job so I can have laser eye surgery done. Which will save us a lot of money on eye wear I would get contacts I'm afraid of getting dust in them since we live in a farming community, I don't think they would be ideal for where we moved to.

Jr is starting to cope with a high school better no more mishaps for the time being knock-on-wood, he missed a week of school due to a head cold thank god! The teachers have been bringing bottled water to school and selling it to students for 75 cents which is a pretty good idea since the scare of Swine Flu has become one of the fastest killing flues around. In the town where I work a child had died from it, school officials closed the school until Monday; with a shortage of the shot and I do not know the side effects of it with both boys with behavioral and mild mentally slow I'm not sure if I would trust this kind of shot.

We have told our clients if you come in not feeling well or if you feel that you are coming down with a cold of any kind please rebook for another time, we cannot afford to close the clinic down due to illnesses. Although Cali is worst off than most state in the Union we're feeling the pinch at work, Friday was the first time I received any tips over $6.00 dollars which is pretty good for a Friday usually we're busy lately it's been the opposite we've slow.

Other times I'm booked solid without getting a lunch break only to go home an hour early which did not make a good paycheck since I had to take Jr to get his braces adjusted, he's had them for a year already and his mouth is starting to shape real nice. He's got a least another two years of wearing them.

I'm starting to get use to our new place but we're having issues with the landlord after our big storm that came through I found the roof has a leak which has been repaired, I've talked to the real estate company that we're renting from they can not get a hold of the guy who owns it so we can go over suggestions and repair the roof. Apparently he's got money but doesn't care about the way his rental house is, I've told Ch one more thing goes wrong with this house I'm finding another place to live! I don't care if they did put in new flooring and a new gas range, if the owner would listen to the neighbors who live next to us, and take a close look at the roof himself, he's told me the last time he came to fix the sink in the bathroom, (the only full bathroom in the house) the roof needs to be fixed new carpet needs to be put in because of cat pee smells up the house when I turn on the furnace which doesn't work all that well.

As you see it's a list of repairs that has gotten the best of me, I don't mind the extra commute I would love to find a new job that would work around C's counseling and schooling but right now I have to be patient and pray that I can get through this, believe me there are times when I want to through up my hands and say I quit, I'm done, I've had enough. I know I can not do that, I've been asked to join the church choir, I called my new Pastor from Nebraska, I explained to him I'm in school and not a member of the church he said he didn't care as long as I can carry a tune.

I said okay I'll do it,I'm hoping I'm not making a mistake between team meetings and homework I'm willing to try this out, I haven't sang in front of a group of people since high school this should be interesting. I'm pretty it's just like riding a bike after a long time of being off of one and you get back on you remember, I'm praying that is what this will be like. We'll see.

It's almost 11:00 p.m. every one is in bed I didn't sleep very well last night because I was stress over a homework assignment that needed to be sent off to a class mate of mine I got it accomplished almost an hour ago, and I ended up being a Snap Dragon because I caught my son's head cold Thank you so much I love him dearly.

Ended up yelling at my two son's and a friend of oldest because they kept getting loud while I was trying to focus on getting a paper done and being on the phone long distance with my brother and a uncle who is in remission of colon cancer, he's coming to my house for dinner on Oct 7Th I can't wait to see him and his wife he gave me away at my wedding he's been a second dad to me when my other uncle wasn't around. Not feeling well didn't help much either, of course both boys are wanting to go to church tomorrow, I told them I would take them as long as I was feeling better.

This is all for now, I'll read those of you when in between class assignments.

Suspended

2009-09-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

And if you think having a teenager for a son is fun! Try three weeks into your kiddo's freshmen year and he or she is already suspened for teasing! Yep and school has not been in for a month!

It all started two weeks ago when I recieved a phone call from the V.P. telling me I need to talk to my son about teasing other students I comfronted him about it, the minute he got home from school he claims he wasn't the one who started it, usually I can tell when my son is lying through his teeth; I told him to stay away from the other kids who think it is cool to be picking on other kids because sooner or later some one is going to get hurt.

Sure enough my best friend calls me on her cell, hey did you know your son is in the office? What I just left my grandmother's house because she is not allowed to drive (another story another time). So anyways she lets Jr. talk to me he gets into more trouble for talking on her cell phone, tells me he's in trouble because another kid tripped him in p.e. class. I'm not sure if I want to believe him or not since he's been caught teasing other students at breaks, which I don't get Jr. is pretty much a kid that won't say much, or fight back.

Today I get a phone call do you mind coming down to the high school so we can talk? Um no I was just there I have class tonight and won't be able to meet with you today, how about Friday? that will not work because I won't be getting back into town until 7:00 or 8:00 p.m. I have to pick up Jr's brother and I work late on Fridays. Is there any time that you are not busy? Uh no
I'm a working mother who is back in school for a second time because the job I have doesn't pay enough and I have to travel every thursday for family meetings for C.

Mrs R. it is really important that we meet sure how about Monday at 3:15 p.m. What the hell! you think by now the school would have said something two weeks before this happened and top it off Jr was punched in the back by another student because Jr wouldn't go with this kid to the police staition because of the kid's missing bike. So he decides to punch him in the back, the other kid did get suspended for hitting Jr, this time once again Jr. is now suspended. By the time I'm done with this damn school district I'll be glad Jr will be graduating from high school.

As for college fat chance of Jr. getting a high school diploma because he is mild mental retarded so there goes his chance of a college education. And yet teachers want to know is there anything we can do for him? Try finding him work that is his grade level for once in his school years! So on Monday I get to meet with the V.P. and his R.S.P teacher and figure what the hell is going on in the meantime I've cancelled his first ever birthday party and he can forget about his first school dance.

And fishing with one of his friends is out of the question, right now I'm too pissed off to even care if he ever leaves this house. Other kids can not believe he's getting picked on once again, and the V.P. and teacher thinks my son is doing the teasing, which they say he's been doing a lot of since school has started I've talked to him about it I've discussed severe consequences for his behavior looks like I'm going to find out the truth on Monday.

I went as far as leaving a message on the V.P.'s phone letting her know Jr has always gotten picked on teased for wearing glasses and braces, and I want my son transferred out of this high school as soon as possible I'm getting annoyed with him coming home in a bad mood and not wanting to get up in the morning because he's tired of getting teased. I'm hoping someone else gets the same treatment as my son and see how the shoe fits.

Yep my week just ended crappy.

Moving

2009-09-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

The title is correct we are moving to another town outside the one we have lived in for the last 10 years, the house we are moving into is slanted so our washer will need supports our gas dryer is useless at the moment until we can get a certified plumber to hook up a gas line to it. For now it will be another home without the worries of being foreclosed on, which is a good thing. Our neighbors we have come to know and like are sadden of our departure; no one thought we would be the ones to go through the process of losing our home of 8 years.

We are doing well Jr just started his first year of high school last week he didn't want to box up his room he thought the longer he put it off the more the mortgage company would reconsider I explained to him that would not be possible even though I did look into getting our mortgage payment down, when I talked to the person on the phone he explained to me the mortgage company would want a thousand dollars to get the paper work started and $2300.00 for the lawyer fees, we do not have that type of money.

Ch took a 15% pay cut this year due to the states budget, my hours have been steady there isn't much to tell there just like any other job it has it's moments. My brother knows I have lost my home and my sister has not bothered to come up to help, she told my 93 year old godmother who is in a convalescent home because she had taken her third fall, which put her there. I did not tell her because she is sad and depressed and this was the last thing she needed my sister thought it was best to tell her.

I was not happy when I found out she had told her, and how I found out was my god mothers sister in law she called me up and asked how the move was going? And informed me my god mother already knows. My god mother's former student who happens to be older than myself has also lost his house and was moving back to the town were I grew up.

As for C he will not be with us this weekend we thought it would be best for him to stay in the bay area, due to our move and since change can take a toll on emotions and tempers we did talk to his therapist about our decision she agreed with us. We did take him to look at the new home he found his room and can not wait for next weekend to visit.

Here it is Tuesday it's been a long drawn out weekend, even though I was suppose to be off yesterday thankfully I did not have to work, which made my day. There is still a lot of work to do at our former home, on my way out of my former neighborhood I stopped by my neighbors house and said goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. R. (shorten for their last name) Mr. R was sad to see us leave, he couldn't believe we lost our home it's one of those mishaps in life, at least we have each other, family and friends who care for us.

I believe life is about living, giving a helping hand when needed, and lots of love when all else fails, and prayers for those who loose hope and laughter to chase away the blues. For now this all I've got it's been a long weekend, and more packing and unpacking needs to be done, I've got a bad headache which is causing me to lose focus on what I want to write I figure this is enough for now.

Numb Part II

2009-07-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

After thinking and praying, I have decided to reveal the truth. Mind you any comment that is not welcome will be deleted; I want you all to know placing C was the hardest thing I and Ch has had to do, I knew from the moment we dropped off C last year we were putting C at risk of restrains, at the same time having C at a place that we had both looked into was and will be a safe place for children with behavior problems, what we did not expect was inappropriate touches; Not by staff by other children.

We found out right before Jr's graduation, C's therapist explained to us that a situation had occurred two nights prior to our family therapy, neither one of us knew about this until the morning we had arrived. C use to have a roommate, until this incident had occurred C became panicky when his roommate would be in room as C was; C said his roommate would try to close the closet door on him or try to look at while he was changing. C explained that he was not feeling comfortable having him around, C would go into panic mode in result he would get a level dropped.

As the boys were settling down to bed the other boy made advances on C, which put C into hysteric's the night staff heard the both boys not settling and C was getting more agitated; the more noise C would make the more the staff became concerned. After several minutes the night staff asked to speak with C, when he walked out of his room he had his pj top on and no bottoms the night staff asked C to go back into the room and get his pj bottoms and return to the hall way. C did as he was told, C of course was pretty much in shock at this point he wasn't sure if he was the one that was going to be in trouble for not being in bed, he ended up not sleeping well which resulted him not getting up and leaving for school promptly.

The staff thought it would be a good idea for C to spend the night in the living room, since the incident happened around bed time his response to the staff's desion was "I sleep on the couch at home why do I need to sleep on the couch here?" The saff got a laugh out of a bad situation, C promptly recovered from the incident, we saw him the next morning he seemed fine until bed time arrived then it was hell on wheels. C refused to go to bed, he did not want anything to do with his room here at home, we finally got him to sleep with his radio on.

About two or three weeks later C was switched to another room, the same thing happened this time with clothes on, this time I received the call Ch was at work. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What the hell we just got done with one incident now a second; I asked his counselor who's fault was it this time! I don't need this I've got health issues that I'm dealing with! She explained to me the staff member that was just hired was sleeping on the couch when the incident took place the staff member was fired.

C was in the process of getting his own room with no one in there with him, she was very upset and so was the manager who sees to all the staff members that care for the children. By the time I arrived to pick up C he was willing to leave, on our way home I explained to C that our power was out for the evening because some one decided to leave his dumper up and hit three power lines including a power pole which almost struck some one's house. Since Ch was called to work I finished up dinner thank goodness for gas stoves they are a blessing!

While I was in the kitchen cooking dinner Ch and C had another talk C thought it was his fault, Ch explained to C it was not his fault he did not do any thing wrong, Ch reassured C that he had plenty of people to talk to if he felt he needed to talk to some one. He felt at ease the rest of the evening. The following week we had our session I asked how the manager was doing she was doing better but still on edge of what has happened. Which is understandable they are there to support the children look after their needs and be able to redirect children when needed.

Knowing how hard C has been working towards coming home for good it still hurt him a lot, we did not tell his grandparents we felt it was best not say anything to them. I did not tell my best friend about the second incident she has enough on her plate at the moment, I didn't tell my family I didn't need my sister's awful input my brother knows about the first incident but not the second. He felt bad about what happened at least he feels what we are dealing with is enough.

It's been several weeks since incidents have happened C is back to his joking and happy self, everyone is watching all the children very closely no one is to sleep while the children are sleeping they are to check on the kids during the night; that way incidents like this do not happen again.

As of right now we're having a tough time getting C to stay in his room all night long, he sneaks out of his room and sleeps on the couch which is fine; At least he is not sleeping in his brothers room nor my room for that matter we had one hell of a time getting C out of our room. At least it's the couch and not any other room for that matter, for us we will get through this, after all it's more or less a phase all kids have them.

I started this post on July 5th I just now finished this post here it is July 19th, but at least I got it written. With everything we have been through I felt I needed to write this out, I have been told writing is therapy; I guess this is my therapy of letting those who know me from the moment I started writing on here up until now. I love my family very much, when tough moments happen I know where I can go and it's here, to scream, yell and let out my pain.

This is mine even when I'm in school and life gets hetic I can still, drop in and say hello any readers I have left. Thank you all for you kind words they do help I will continue to write in between classes. I have another post that I have in mind we are dealing with paycuts just like everyone else, right now I do not have internet service until next week the 28th of this month I will try to post as soon as I can.

Numb

2009-07-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm in complete shock, it's going to take a while and I'm not sure if I should post the events leading up to now, I feel that I have been let down pulled in a direction that I would not want to go. C's counselor is handling the situation a lot better than I'm handling my emotions at the moment, in my heart I know this is the place that has shown us how to help C. I must admit I feel as if some one has punched me in the stomach, I wish I could tell you all what has happened but I can not bring myself to do so.

I'm in shock, in pain and needing a wine cooler, I recently found out I have a enlarge liver which the doctor has said it is not liver disease he's been a surgeon for 15 years he has seen this before. I'm grateful to know it's nothing serious, I also have a gal bladder that is acting up again, I've been to the e.r. twice in the past six weeks! My doctor has ordered another test to be done in fact he thinks my gallbladder may not be working at all. I do not need any more heart aches nor did I need the news I got today. I want the next 6 months to be more pleasant than what they have been!

This is all I'm going to post for the time being until I feel that I want to share what this is about I will tell you all if I have the heart to.

By the way

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!

A Very Belated Update

2009-06-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

I just wrapped up my five weeks of school, finished a belated paper which was due the first night of class. Attended a Listener Appericaion Concert I won tickets from the radio station I listen to, met an old childhood friend of Ch's who also went to the concert, invited back to the couples house for their daughter's senior graduation party from high school.

Jr. graduated from the 8th grade he will be a freshmen in high school I'll get pictures posted of the graduation sometime tonigh, we worked hard to get him to pass the eighth grade, I had to negotiate with the teachers in finding work that was suitable for Jr. to learn his reading skills, writing skills, and his short and long term memory seem to have the best of him.

I went as far as telling his history teacher he either modifies the work or I was going to take some legal matters against him and his way of teaching, instead I let him get away with murder he modified my son's work for one week then he fell back into his old pattern if you can't do the work you failed history. The other teachers got him to pass their classes so one failing grade did not pervent my son to not participate in his 8th grade graduation.

I cried during the slide show I can't believe how much he has grown, C was there he was driven down from Castro Valley to watch his brother graduate from 8Th grade; he stayed with us until Sunday afternoon then I took him back Sunday afternoon. Ch took C out to breakfast, I had to work turned out I ended up on call for work Friday, work hasn't been that busy.

But at least I got to spend time with C, he was glad mom didn't have to work. Had the family over for dinner on Friday. Then Saturday we traveled down to Mantica for childhood's daughter's graduation party, the boys had a blast the pool was very cold. C did not mind the water being cold he was in the pool more than out of it.

I'm also due for an operation my gallbladder has decided to act up, I was in the emergency room two days straight once on Friday and Saturday of memorial day weekend; I was pretty drugged up on some heavy duty pain killers. I've seen a surgeon he's sending me in for another test on July 16Th, no eating or drinking after 7 p.m. on the 15Th I have that to look forward to as long as they get me in for surgery before I return back to school I will be pleased.

Speaking of school I'm taking a month off, we're going on vacation starting on Father's Day and returning on June 27Th, taking the boys to Monterey for two days then heading down to Disneyland for three days then driving home on Saturday. This should be an interesting family vacation. Ch's parents are meeting us in Anahemim at their time share that's not far from Disney land. I would rather spend a week in Monterey, I'm not a city person this will be an interesting vacation.

Having a gallbladder that is acting up is not something to play around with, I'm taking a big risk of riding the rides and driving down there. I'm on a low fat diet, I'm working with a nutritionist
She's got me on a low fat milk, lots of friuts and veggies, I can have very little red meat, lots of chicken and pork no greasy foods. And more workout, thank god I got a bike from my in-laws, Jr has begged me to ride bikes with him so starting tomorrow evening I will be out riding with him. He's happy mom is taking a small break from school.

I've got two more years left, Ch will be glad that I'm half way there. I'm kind of enjoying school at the moment I'm happy for the break I'm taking it won't ruin my financial aid, more or less it will help it.

Tomorrow I'm meeting mom-in-law at her beauty parlor Ch just sprang it on me tonight saying I'm to meet her at 1:00 p.m. to get my hair styled, nails done and feet pedicured I've never had any of this done except for my eye brows and my hair cut, usually I do my own feet they are sooo dried I know TMI I could not help myself. :)

Oh before I forget C is not coming home this month, he will be coming home in about six months to a year. He's had an issue with another boy in the house that he is living in I can't go into much of the details, but he is doing much better than he has been.

I'm not ready to share what happened, we have not told ch's parents, all I ask is continue prayers would be helpful. And all the dads out there

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Greetings

2009-05-14T21:20:00.000-07:00

Just a quick hello to my blogging friends, if any of you are still around. Every one is doing good, we had our counseling session with C today. We found out he will not be returning home next month, his behaviors have increased since his last visit before Mothers Day weekend.

Everyone on the team feel releasing him next month would not benefit him, rather it could cause him to return to treatment once he is released. C will continue to be monitored and worked with, and his next release date is six months from now, in that time if he does not improve he will remain there until May 2010.

Our hope and prayers C will be able to show improvement within the next six months, or even longer depends on C. We can support C in conseling and home visits, and guiding C to do better, in the meantime I'm back in school for one month and then taking a leave of absence from school.

Jr. is graduating from the 8Th grade in just a few short weeks, three weeks after school lets out we are taking the family to Disney Land, we are vacationing with my in-laws at their time share near Disney Land. I'm not sure if I should be thrilled about the vacation or to feel humbled over it. I'm sure with prayers and trust in the Lord I will be fine.

Birthday Celabrations

2009-04-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I have turned 34 years old this year, where has the time gone? This year we celebrated my birthday at mom and dad in-laws instead of at our house. Dinner was of course chosen by me we went to a Chinese restaurant down on main street, our first time there mom and dad in-laws second or third time, the food was plenty we even brought some home with us. C was with us, he's doing so well. It's amazing what a year can do to a child with his behaviors, he will be coming home sometime in June not sure on a date yet, as soon as we get one I will post it.

Looking back over the past year of what I have accomplished, in the two year of attending school and how much my work has changed. Each week each day brings a new meaning to my life, every obstacle that I have looked at over the last few years I wonder what I would wish for this year; to be honest there wasn't that I wanted or to wish for only for more happiness to enter my world to be able to do my best in every subject that comes my way. I don't believe in giving up nor do I let those who have bashed me over the head to get the best of me, in times I felt like quitting, giving up and not wanting to continue; Then again that would not work for me quitting is not an option that I would take seriously. Perhaps writing how I'm feeling would be better than quitting.

On Sunday evening I received a phone call from my godmother's neighbor she's in the hospital, she fell again. My godmother said she did not fall she fell off of a chair, this is the third time within the last few months she has fallen. On Monday I drove down to the valley by myself, to see her, she is not well. Her skin was Ashien, her breathing was not normal, and she quit eating. Not all good signs. She has been a part of my life for the last 34 years, seeing her in this bad of a shape it's not good, on top of her being in the hospital my sister has seemed to disappear without a trace.

My godmother asked for her, I have no idea where she is or what she is doing, her phone number has been disconnected again. There is no way of getting a hold of her which in turn has pissed me off even more! My brother is due down here in another month, he finally has a reliable auto so he can drive down here.

When I left on Monday evening I was told she would be going into a nursing home, she has always been independent drove herself to church every Sunday until her recent fall, her daughter came down on Monday an hour after I had arrived. She's not the nicest person to be around she was surprise to find me there. She's been in my life as long as I can remember I have every right to be there, my godmother sang at my mother's funeral, she has been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on.

What hurts the most is knowing she may not make to see another birthday, Christmas or any other holiday. She will be moved into a nursing home as soon as her health improves, I don't see that happening any time soon. I have realized she needs to go and be with the Lord she can not live on her own; She lived a good life. If she finds out she will be moved into a nursing home she will not live, she insists on living by herself and continue to drive, when I talked to Nana as I have called her she sounded happy, a little congested nothing serious; she always looked younger than her real age. When I got up to the hospital room I was amazed at how serious Nana's health was. I'm hoping she will pull through until after the Dixon May fair is over, that way I can get back down there to remove my mother's ashes to my home.

May each of us remember the good times we have with our loved ones whether they be old or young. We never know how long we have them for.

The Little Things In Life

2009-03-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

It does not matter were you've been or where your going, as long as you have each other that is all that matters. In many cases around the U.S. every one is losing their homes or close to it, in our case that is what is happening. Right before we celebrated our 15Th wedding anniversary that's right I and ch, have been married for that long. It does not feel that we have, we sent the kids over to the in-laws while the two of us had romantic night alone, we don't get to do that very often but at least it was dinner out and private dancing in the living room.

In the midst of our loving home we also have come to grips of losing our home this summer, there is nothing that can be done we've tried to get our payments lowered since Ch took a 500.00 pay cut on February 6Th, Ch has called left messages for one month there was no returned phone calls until the beginning of this month, Ch explained to them that we were not going to fill out the paper work until we had questions answered and then we would send them in. By the way we did send our papers to them after a third attempt of getting an address from them, and then a few weeks ago we found out that they have decided not to approve us a new loan.

We talked to Ch's parents since we bought the house from them and told them we're letting the house go, it's not our faults that the governor decided to give my husband a 10% pay cut we didn't ask for cut wages because the state of Cali can't control it's spending on their top congressmen and women they rather take it from the little guys and not care about the ones who make a good living. Who cares about state workers such as California Department of Transportation make or give their lives to pave the states highways, to hell with them was the governor's thinking let them suffer.

Thanks to the Governor we will be losing our house sometime in the 6 months, we are looking for a house to rent, pay off our credit cards and my suv. And then we will try in about 2 years to buy a house, there is nothing any one can do, we have refused help from his parents because we will not be able to pay them back. In truth Ch is bringing home about a thousand dollars per month if that. We have been in tougher situations, we always seem to get through them; Even with my job it's not enough for a house payment. It's enough to get us through from payday to payday, I haven't told my brother, or my sister and differently not saying a word to my godmother she's 94 years old she doesn't need to worry about me. At least I have my faith, job, school and my family to get me through my toughest times.

We have looked at other options, such as finding another job even that is hard to come by with the economy has left this state in a critical point of bankruptcy, even the City of Rio Vista has filed for bankruptcy, we found that out in January of this year. It's bad every where, newly built houses stand empty, waiting for a turn around, school teachers getting pink slips because not enough students to keep them and our school district is slowly running out of money. We have tried everything, we've talked to our loan company, they give us the run around, I even explained to them that I've watched them closely they were World Wide Savings, from that name they are called Wochivia now they are under Wells Fargo bank, my mother in law says good luck with getting a lowered payment since they never approved both parents for one, nor does the bank allow half payments, it better be in full or else.

I can not hate any one nor do I blame myself for what has happening, we can only move forward and brave the elements that is before us. We take one day at a time and pray for the best, I must remain hopeful that this too shall pass, I put my trust in the Lord he will see us through these tough times. I can not let my my anger get the best of me, I have cried silently, screamed silently, poured my heart out to god.

There is nothing that anyone can do I will write in between classes, and family outings. Oh by the way if any of you have an i-max theater around I suggest checking out Under the Sea in 3-D it's a cool movie, my in-laws paid for all of us to go, I and Ch didn't pay for anything. We needed a break from every thing and everyone.

AAARRRRGGGG!

2009-03-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

It's one thing to step from three months of math,then winding up in a critical writing class! It just bugs me that I can not compose something that I'm happy with. Don't get me wrong writing is suppose to be therapeutic it allows my emotions to flow, when it comes to writing in class which deals with case studies forget it! I'm horrible, I hate be criticized about my writing because it makes me feel uncomfortable, unhappy and miserable. I'm beating myself up over a paper that needs help, I have to change it, to make shorter.

Any suggestions on how I should rewrite a In-Class Practice-Case Study Analysis? Right now I'm stressed and overwhelmed with this assignment. I'll go ahead and thank you all for responding.

Tough Times

2009-02-24T21:18:00.000-08:00

In other words I haven't been to work since last Friday, stayed home for the last two days; Cetching up on house work and home work which is much better than spending the last three months in math by the way I passed with a D- and do I even care Hell NO!! What matters is having a diploma in my hands in saying goodbye to massage until I can get on my feet.

Which is not going well Massage Envy went bankrupt about a month ago in Sacramento, so my supervisors expects us to close at hundred memberships to make up for the 45 members we have lost which is $50.00 of my pay. Which can't be helped because Cali just furloughed all state workers on Feb 6,09 that's right folks my loving husband is one of them. And now it's resting on me because we are short on making our house payment, for next month; there is not a damn thing I can do but to keep praying that this will be over soon. By the looks of it were stuck, between a wall and a rock, both boys were recently told we're not making tons of trips to the store we're not going out to dinner, that has been cut from our budget. School supplies will have to wait until next fall.

Except for the shoes for the Jr. since he needs a pair, any money that bring home will have to be saved for three trips over to San Leandro, by the way C is doing very well 180 turn around since he's been away almost a year come April 22nd he's come a long ways, his tempers have decreased his hitting has decreased and so has other behavioral issues have since decreased. We are setting up new rules for the family and a new rewards system. His return home sometime in June, I don't want him home without the proper schooling that he needs in mainting his current grade which is 1st and 2nd grade level, he's gotten ahead of most kids in the school district that I live in.

Jr is doing his 2nd year of 4-h, another goat was picked by him. He recently broke his ankle at school didn't tell the teachers only his friends, by the time I arrived home from work, his foot was swollen he couldn't put a shoe on it. Had to wait until the following day to make sure the foot was xrayed. Come to find out he chipped a bone in his foot from a previous break which never healed then he fell in ward broke his ankle on the growth plate. Six weeks of having a cast on was too much for him to handle. He's still out of particpating in p.e. until the 9th of March, it's still swollen debating on taking him back in again. Just make sure it did heal correctly, he's grown so much he's taller than me.

Ch is still working nights there is no change, his depression comes and goes. His doctor upped his appointments to twice a month to see if that will help, at this point in the game we'll take anything.

As for me having hot flashes some months worse than others, I have to watch what I eat, trying to lose 20 pounds that I've gained. Believe me it's a bitch to take off! My mother in law has given me some books to read, I can't think of the authors when I get a chance I'll post them, I'm back to receiving massages once again, my migraines have returned, the doctor has said there is no family history of headaches except for high blood pressure, diabetes, my mother passed away with high blood pressure and being overweight.

Life goes on as long as I maintain regular exercise routine and staying away from mid afternoon snacks the one's that like to sneak up on you after lunch and dinner. Yep that's were I'm having the trouble, the mid afternoon snack attack, any ideas just send them my way.

It's great to be able to post when I can, I'll be back to include some family high lights, that happened over the last few months. In the meantime keep your chin up, because someone out there has it a lot worse than you do.

2009-01-04T23:05:00.000-08:00

In many ways I'm happy to be starting a new year, with so much that has happened in the past year; I'm ready for a new beginning, new dreams, and goals to accomplish. Like many I've ferreted over the economy have watched my paychecks decline, along with clients who have cancelled their memberships have kept my fingers crossed for a incline in clients with gift cards which seemed to be a hot seller for Christmas. And yet my tips have been less than $100.00; My only option right now and praying for a miracle that I can pass the test for a school district. I have one more chance to pass the math portion of it and I'm in, which means I will not have to worry over clients leaving, I won't have to worry about getting hit or coming across an accident. Watching a medic chopper land in a farmers field while the children of the driver watch their mother being flown to the hospital. If I had a stuff animal or two with me I would have given them to the contractor without a second thought; and yes I look at these as signs, my commuting has taken a toll on me. I have to keep a opened mind, heart and spiritually confident that I will achieve a math test that will get me a better job.

I can not stand the fact that I may end up losing my home, my suv and my schooling, I have made a big mistake and that was going to school to become a massage therapist that has failed to bring enough of a paycheck to keep my family afloat, I have looked for a job there is nothing out there that will accept someone who has no experience in business or accounting. What is left is going to bow down to a McDonald's type of work which is the last thing I want to do, I have no intentions of bowing down to a business that I have no confidence in. I and Ch ended up borrowing money from his parents because the tires on my suv, were so bad that they could not wait until our income tax return comes in. I have cut back in spending, it's gotten to the point were I forget to take a lunch to work because I'm having nightmares and can not sleep. I have to change this habit of hitting the snooze button after 5:45 a.m. and get up to get my body ready for the day.

As for resolutions I made none, not one did I make. There is too much that I need to focus on, most of them would fall into the cracks and where would I be? How would I feel if I had let one of those resolutions slip through my hands!?! Right now I have to maintain a positive outlook I have to remain in school so I can undo the mistakes that I have made, to look at the positive side of what is important. I have one goal in mind and that is to go to Hawaii since we have missed three family trips in three different years, to the Islands that have a powerful spiritual bond with the seas. Not to mention a trip to the Virgin Islands my in-laws would like to take us there; I know it will take some time in doing, I know what I have to do first and that is to make it through school and to make it through a school district test.

In closing this long post of what not, I will leave you with this

It is God to whom and with when we
travel, and while He is the End of our
journey, He is also at every stopping place.

-Elisabeth Elliot

Praise and Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

I was given this to read on Monday at my women's bible study class, I wish every one of you a wonderful Thanksgiving.

O my God,
Thou fairest, greatest, first of all objects,
my heart admires, adores, loves thee,
for my little vessel is as full as it can be,
and I would pour out all the fullness before thee in ceaseless flow.
When I think upon and converse with thee
ten thousand delightful thoughts spring up,
then thousand refreshing joys spread over my heart,
crowding into every moment of happiness.
I bless thee for the soul thou hast created,
for adoring it, sanctifying it,
though it is fixed in barren soil;
for the body thou hast given me,
for preserving its strength and vigour,
for porviding senses to enjoy delights,
for the ease and freedom of my limbs,
for hands, eyes,ears that do my bidding;
for thy royal bounty providing my daily support,
for a full table and overflowing cup,
for appetite, taste, sweetness,
for social joys of relatives and friends,
for ability to serve others,
for a heart that feels sorrows and nesessities,
for a mind to care for my fellow-men,
for opportunities of spreading happiness around,
for loved ones in the joys of heaven,
for my own expectation of seeing thee clearly,
I love thee above the powers of language to express,
for what thou art to thy creatures.
Increase my love, O my God, through time and eternity.

Happy 3rd Year of Blogging

2008-11-12T11:39:00.001-08:00

I have come to realize the many changes that have to my blogging space, I've shed tears lead my readers to my favorites family spots; Dealt with family issues that have come up. Just recently posted questions to math problems that had my head hurting, looking back I find myself in awe in how much time has passed, and broken hearts do mend; and forgiveness makes a stronger marriage. Falling back in love with my husband, after many years of turmoil and hurt. J's. may not be blogging due to working nights since Sept 10Th I believe, he was on days for 2 months then officially went back to working nights because other guy was too lazy and hated working nights so he put in a transfer to another district, there was plenty of supervisors who did not like the way he worked nor did he turn in over time pay into the office so the p.i.'s would get paid for working the bridges or faeries. It was my loss J'sr gain and a happy crew, he gets Friday nights and Saturdays off and returns to work on Sunday night. His only draw back J Jr. is learning how to cook! By the way he's now 14 yrs old, and bugging the living hell out of both us to teach him to drive, not happening any time soon. So Jr. is having to figure out what to have for dinner, poor kid so far it's mac cheese and hot dogs or polish sausages, hamburgers on the George foreman grill. Other times if I think of it I usually plan a dinner for the both of them, at least I know he's trying.

Jr. has found a love for the cooking show I'm not sure what channel that's on, he's pretty good a channel surfing found it out of board, he's learned to check in with our neighbor's that live two houses down from us, since mom is at school and dad comes home for dinner then leaves He's also found a new comedy to watch; I shouldn't say new it's a bunch of reruns of Home Improvement. He asked one night why don't they make the show any more? For one it was one when I was your age! You know you've just wished you hadn't said that part! It's not the age you look at it's how you feel from the inside out. Sure I've gained a few pounds and the weight it's slowly coming off; then again you realized your child is now watching programs of simpler times. When laughter was made for television and you didn't have so much violence and other stuff, and the 1990's were good; Jr. is once again enrolled into his second year of 4-h, he's looking forward in getting another goat, we talked about doing two fairs in the spring the three of us sat down and talked about it which didn't go over too well with Jr. taking into consideration it gets extremely hot in Vallejo, unless mother nature works with you and get a remarkable cool temps. Also we're planning a trip to Disney land two weeks after school lets out, if Jr. can keep his grades above the failing mark.

C by the way is 8 yrs old I'll have to post pics of his 8Th birthday along with Jr's. Jr was very disappointed that C couldn't be there for his birthday, C did come down for the Bass Derby for an all day visit, there was only one point where we thought he was going to have to leave early C turned it around and refocused he did pretty good. His counselor that works with C is from the Islands of Hawaii, I won't reveal his name I'll just give you his first letter in his name T. Him and C make a great team, they both have come respect each other, and pretty much knows what the other likes. Just recently our supervised visits just ended and the weekend we were to start having some family visits without T being there. That didn't happen, C went into a temper and couldn't regain his self control, our entire day was a complete loss. So they called us 20 miles away from our meeting place, needless to say it was a trip that didn't go over well with any of us. We attend family sessions every Thursday, except when the family counselor is on beeper we do not meet for another two weeks. As for Halloween we went up to my sister-in-laws place for dinner, she thought it would be best for the three of us. That way we wouldn't be in a line of fire of families with their children; She got married on the 1st of this month C was the ring barer.
I'll explain the details of that story at a latter date.

With so much going on it is hard to believe C is still away, each room has changed; each day for C is a new beginning. C will be here for Thanksgiving, until the evening hours T will then drive from C.V. to pick up C, we're hoping by X-mas he will have a sleep over with us. We're not pushing we are guiding and mentoring C, the biggest change C has experienced was setting the table on Saturday's home visit, he learned that things have changed he's going to have chores here just like at the house that he his living in. And we're not backing down on the new and safe ways C has learned. Each level that C has accomplished a higher goal is placed in front of him, he may not like it at first but it will get him to understand more of his potential growth in living with occupational defiance disorder, he borderlines with bipolar. C is now in the 2ND grade, Jr. will be graduating from the 8Th grade. I may have one son here and another away there is not a day that goes by that I don't pray for each of my family, from J sr. to C and for me to get through my second year of school. I'm proud of the family we have become may god continue to bless each of us in the years to come.

Here's to another year!

Does any one know....

2008-11-09T20:06:00.000-08:00

I'm going out on limb here, but since I've been looking for a math tutor on line for the last 5 weeks of Algebra it's starting to get on my nerves, it's one thing to return to school, it's a whole different ball game when you haven't had math since high school. I'm struggling with algebra, and I have no idea how to learn math, with out my husband's help, as long as he can guide me through it. There are several problems that neither one of us can figure out. He's a lot better in math than I am and so I've gone to him for most of my problems, this time around neither one of us can figure how to do the math problems.

My on line tutoring through my student web site will not help me with take home quizzes they will help with home work problems as long as you don't get someone who is not willing to show you how to input your work. I have tried several web sites and none come close to what I'm needing, if any of my readers know some great math teachers please send them my way I'm in need of someone who is willing to give me a helping hand. I'm willing to learn math as long as the other person doesn't make me feel worse about myself, I'm doubting myself in learning math, I know I'm not good at it. But at the same time I understand, it's one of many subjects that I need to learn.

So here's a few of my math questions if any bright person who understands math please post your answers in my comment box I'll retrieve them after I get home from work.

2-3(q-1)=10-(q-1)

x x
- + - = 20
2 3

3z 2z
- - - = 10
2 3
By the time I'm done getting together with a former class mate of mine, she will have shown me how to do this kind of work, once I master the next five weeks of math I'm sure, the rest will be a breeze. Thank you for coming by and helping a student in math.

Signs Of Autumn

2008-09-17T13:59:00.000-07:00

The dog days of summer have finally come to a close, most of us are looking forward to the Autumn days of racking leaves in a pile and children jumping into them; giggling and laughing pretending there is not a care in the world, just a having a bit of fun before the weather turns colder. While most will be cleaning the gutters and winter proofing the windows before the first frost; the carving of Jack-o-lanterns on the kitchen table. The smell of Autumn flavor on the kitchen stove, the smell of soups and backed goods freshly made rolls as by passers take in the smells of Autumn. Freshly baked apple pies sitting on the counter, ready for dessert after dinner topped with home made whipped cream; Pumpkin pies are made and frozen to be used a later date.

Ah yes the signs of Autumn are once again upon us, the changing color of leaves, all in peak of color reds, yellows, oranges, and browns. dotting the landscape each tree a different color, and no two leaves are alike; birds nest abandon inner twined in tree branches. Left behind until warmer weather returns. The findings of unwanted guests in the garage eating the cat's food, laying curled up in a ball, five feet from the garage steps. Realizing an opossum has decided to call the garage home, the making of Summer ending; the returning of Autumn all dressed it's beauty.

Will have some of us to wonder how does mother nature does it? Puts on a show of Autumn colors for us to enjoy and the unwanted, untamed animals that decide to crawl in from the outside looking for a warm place to hide. And once again that damn opossum is still in my garage! Of course I politely asked CH to kill with one of his guns, he gave me a dirty look since we live in city limits it could not be done. Alas that unwanted opossum went in hiding since the lights were on my laundry sat in the washer over night while the opossum staked it's claim. Leaving enough space between the garage door and the concrete for the unwanted guest, hoping opossum would leave the premises, finds its way back to nature.

My fond memories of this time of year, without a drop of rain to be had. We are still in a red flag warning too much wind, and dry grass makes it for a bad sign, cooler temperatures may have arrived not enough to keep the red flag warning away.

2008-08-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

For the last five weeks I have been stuck in psychology class, that explains part of the reason why I haven't been able to come by and update my blog. The other reason J started school a week ago today, that was a hard pill to swallow I am now raising an 8th grader! Not to mention Ch and J just finished painting his room and got it all stylished in teenage boy gear. A 37 inch television with no cable or dish network, a play station that plays both dvd's and his games, none the less his grandfather made the shelf, ch blew up his cordless drill while putting together the shelf. There is nothing like the smell of a burned cordless drill, and yes it did smell up the entire house, J comes running out to meet me after I came home from work. He couldn't wait tell me, his exact words. Hey mom guess what? what dad burned up his drill, Oh god not the new one! Oh no it's the cordless, me thinks an x-mas list is already beginning.

It's one of things that was bound to happen, I knew this day would come toys of yesterday are gone, have been replaced with teenage gear. A mix bag of emotions have set in, neither good or bad yet they are there, C has not started school yet which is kind of good then again the first day of school was emotionally draining, J got his picture taken in front of the blooming roses. Then I drove him to school by way of the elementary school where C would have been attending; It was not easy task for me but I knew driving J to school would some how help, alas it did not made things worse. I dropped J off at school, came home made breakfast then took two bites threw the rest away. The tears came as I tried to hold them back, they say the first two weeks are the worse for any parent who is going through this kind of change.

I have returned to my Ladies Monday Night bible study, I'm no longer baby sitting I was given a three weeks notice. My friends oldest daughter tried to commit suicide again, this time with a bottle of Excedrin, she did not succeed. Her mother had no other choice but to quit her job and move her family out of town, I'm praying they all get the help they need. She has moved in with her sister. Her middle daughter thinks they will be back in a year, I'm assuming she will not be returning within the year. I did talk with her aunt who would have been C's teacher, she did not know the full details of why they were moving until I told her. To say the least she is praying they stay away too. I know it sounds so mean but returning here would not be the solution to their problems even though they have family and friends here, they need a fresh start giving the situation. If oldest daughter does not get the correct help she needs she will find a way of committing suicide she has tried three times as I have been told. So far she has been blessed not take her life. She is 14 years of age, in this day in age young girls have a image to hold up.

This past weekend we took J up to the state fair we needed to get out of town, with every thing we have been through; J needed some good old time fun. Ch's parents went with us, they just celebrated their 39Th wedding Anni on Friday they took all of us out for dinner on the delta as usual the food and the view was relaxing, having a waterfront restaurant near our home priceless. The was a little on the warm side, at least it wasn't hot as it was last year; only in the upper 90's. Ch's parents left about 5:00 p.m. we stayed until the fire works were done, even though it was a long day it was well worth the trip. By the time we got home it was 15 minutes to midnight, and we still had a visit with C the next morning needless to say my weekend was very tiring. I haven't been able blog or be in bed by midnight, home work had taken up most of my time which by the way I received a B+ in Psychology; I'm very proud of myself for taking the time in doing the work and succeeding my expectations in school.

My next class is biology oh fun! I still have to buy the book that I need, which will have to wait until tomorrow since I get paid I have to say it's a blessing I don't have any home work that is due the first night of class I would be in a pickle jar! I don't like being without reading material or not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing in class. I like to stay ahead of myself, and be on top of my work I'm praying that I can maintain my grades above a C anything lower I don't think I could handle that. You live, love and laugh, no matter how bad life may seem. I've done all that and more.

J is getting four teeth pulled next week, and braces will be a week later. Ch's mother is paying for the dental work since neither one of us can afford it, by the time I would have found a better paying job, J's teeth would be in worse shape then they are right now. I'm blessed that Ch's mother is able to pay for them she works at a decent paying job after a year of retiring from Cal-Trans. She told she would help pay for them, thank God she is! We would not be able to afford the dental work that involves braces and teeth pulling.

It will be painful for J there is no lie in that, I have to pick up his pain relieving meds tomorrow after work, Ch is taking the morning off to take J in for his teeth pulling. I will be at work when that takes place since I'm taking Monday the 1st off. There is no need for both of us to be off at the same time, unless by some chance work doesn't need me. Depends on the month and the week.

I'm starting to fall asleep here at my computer I wanted to give my readers something. I hope I have a few out there. Good Night.

Love Bears All Things

2008-07-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

After much thought I believe I have the courage to reveal what happened at our family counseling meeting with C's therapist in Castro Valley in other words Hayward Ca. not too far from S.F. for us it's just another city grown too quickly, for me the words sunk in, for Ch they have not! For those who have read us from the beginning knows how Ch can get when things don't look so good, in other posts he wrote about his dark moods that get the best of him. On Wednesday July 16th we got the dreaded news C will not be coming home this fall, he will be staying on in San Leandro for remainder of this year into next April 22nd 2009. We are often faced with challenges yet this was one that neither I or Ch were prepared for, we haven't told J his little brother will be staying away until next spring. C will have the chance of coming home for visits when he is able to control his moods and is able to handle himself in a safe manor, he will be home for Thanksgiving, Christmas and his aunts wedding on the 1st of November.

We will have to return him back the following day, he may have outings with us then we return C at the appointed time. After hearing this Ch shut down I could feel him move away as I was holding his hand. I pressed mine into his letting him know you can not shut down on me now!! We need each other don't do this to me. Yet he was gone I could feel his numbness his mind gaping over what was being said, his son our last will not be home this fall. We fought to have C placed to get the help he needs. In some ways I'm blessed it's happening now and not when C has hit his teenage years, when it's too late to help him. C is greatly missed by every one, for the longest time I could not walk into his room Ch and J have repainted it the holes in the walls will be worked on another time. C will move into the smaller room with the captains bed that J has grown out of. C will take the smaller room, I would like to get C's old room painted before he returns home Ch hasn't said if we will.

This week has been a struggle of accepting the news, parents are to be strong no matter how tough the situation is. When children have struggles and their only way of handling things is by behavioral issues what is a parent to do? I found myself holding onto prayer finding myself in a place that I did not know existed. Yet God said let there be light, and there was light amongst the darkest part of our turmoil accepting this news.

How the Hell do you tell his older brother that your little brother isn't coming home!?! His needs are much more complicated than what is first thought. C has to stay where he is until he knows how to be safe around others and to himself. In the back of Ch's mind how the hell did this happen? How does a father cope of knowing that his little boy the last of our children will be away from us until next spring. I believe God has a plan for C and what ever that plan is, God will see us through it. I'm grateful for every thing that has happened in the past year, I'm happy I didn't close this down, this is much safer than having a journal laying around where J can read it.

July is not the easiest month from me, 5 yrs ago on July 12th I lost my mother. Now we are faced with C being away from home until next April. We will continue family therapy in Castro Valley and family visits whenever possible. J starts school on August 20th, I will not be there for C's first day of school or to take him for his hair cuts, or any other motherly duty.

The tears have come slowly, I wipe them away my heart is broken. I have to be strong for Ch and J they need me, and I need to cry softly so not to wake up J. This is all for now.

Hello

2008-07-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

Just a quick hello from me to you, I'm here been on vacation and dealt with a low blow to the belt line in the mean time I'm going to finish all of my homework before Sunday, unless computer grimlines decide to hijack my computer or some unexpected crap happens in the mean time keep us in your thoughts and prayers as soon as I get caught up on home work there is going to be some posts that I will be needing some positive feed back on.

...And The Fun Begins!!

2008-06-29T23:03:00.000-07:00

It's one thing to have been a teenager, and another to have a teenager pick the wrong topic to discuss. Since I've had one dose of schooling under my belt let's do another, this time the topic is not Massage therapy this goes beyond Massage Therapy. One that most of us out there know picking a fight with your mother or father your gonna end up losing in the end. My oldest has been good up until he tried an energy drink and now he thinks it's the best thing since the invention of the Chocolate Chip Cookie! Sorry to say he thought it would be great subject to discuss, turns out to be one hell of a science lesson in drinks! During his time that Dixon May Fair his friends got him to try an energy drink during his week stay at the fair. Telling J they not good for you because you don't know what they are putting in those drinks, and whining because his friends have tried them before! To say the least the energy drink talk once again resurfaced, and this time I was not going to run to the nearest store to get him one knowing full well they can do more harm than good.

By the time we got into the drive way I almost rammed the back end of my suv right into Ch's parked Toyota pickup not to mention the garage, because J had decided to pick a fucking fight over energy drinks! I don't give a damn if other kids are drinking them what I care about is his health. Talk about a big argument right in front of the neighbors, doors were slammed one kid sent to his room and the cell is once again being turned off for one day! If he thinks he's going to bring this subject again there will be one less cell phone to worry about. Since this was a hot debate during my first time in school and I pretty much knew energy drinks was already been given a bad name. Partly because of the sugar content they carry and the herbal content they contain, the fda was not sure if herbals were a drug or used in remedies.

To me this fad will eventually fade, or someone is going to end up suing the beverage company because someone over dosed on their energy drinks. Or one of these beverage companies will end up putting an ingredient that does not belong in the mix, what am I to know I'm just another parent that has concerns of J's well being, fire me then I don't care.

Of course J knew he should have kept his mouth shut over it, he knew how I and his father feel about energy drinks yet the brat thought he could get me to buy him some on payday. Turned out he ended up with his foot in his mouth! J also has a little bit of asthma going on I haven't looked up the side affects of asthma with energy drinks I'm not taking my chances either. Since the air quality has been in the unhealthy range because 1,000 fires have been burning, going outside this past week put a dapper on using the pool. J had called me earlier this week asking me to buy him an energy drink because he was tired of drinking water and soda, I told him to look outside and tell me if he needed one! He would complain because he was tired in the mornings and needed a pick me up. Give me a break!! You just barely got out of school on June 13th and now your complaining you can't stay awake because your board. I swear next year J is either returning to summer school! Or he's being shipped to the nearest camp! I'm not going through this again.

So after we both cooled off, he came out and apologized to me for arguing with me over energy drinks, I showed him a few articles on why young kids his age should not be drinking energy drinks. Points given tonight Mother -1 J - 0, I know the fun has just begun Lord help us all!
If he can stew over a subject this long, I hate to see how he can handle one that has more of a punch to it. We really need to start thinking about sending him off to Christian youth camps, for the next five years.

If you have any funny stories, or any advice that has a good meaning to them feel free to share.
By the way I want to say a Fare Well to a good blogger friend DH, he's decided to leave I wish him the best of luck and continuous prayers for his journey. Thank you for showing me kindness during I and Ch's first years in blog land, Good Luck to you.

Here We Go Again

2008-06-11T10:55:00.000-07:00

As many of you know I've had some health issues and some have been easy to treat, some caused me to out of work for two months. Just as I think that I'm going to find a great diet to lose some weight that I have gained in the last year, I thought it's a good idea to have my i.u.d checked. So I made my appointment went to my doctor who I just love and she checked me out had a yest infection (sorry guys) I know that is so gross! After explaining to my obgyn that my libido has taken a nose dive, I'm tired all the time I can be up from 5:00 to 7:00 a.m. ready to start my day by the time I get to work I'm tired I want to take a nap, so fighting to stay awake. I explained to my her that my libido has dropped drastically, this bad I'm not one to complain that I'm extremely tired, or my head hurts I'm achy all over. For some women that's fine and dandy for me hell I want to play, I want to be loved, when your feeling exhausted and there is nothing you can do then something is wrong. So my obgyn sends me down to the to get some blood work done, if your like me who can not handle a needle I feel for you I really do, so I get my blood drawn. About two weeks go by there has not been a report about my blood work. I called the advice nurse she tells me every thing came out fine my blood work is normal.

Nurse: Yes Mrs. R your blood work is fine there were no abnormalities to it.

Me: I do not believe it, so why am I still feeling tired?

Nurse: maybe you need to come back in again,

Me: You've got to be kidding me, do me a favor since your so good at your job send a message to my obgyn here's my cell number, tell my doctor to call me.

Nurse: I have two doctors

Me: my obygn please send her the message to have her call me.

Even a nurse could not tell me if my blood work was anything wrong, on Monday my obgyn calls me on my way home from work, tells me that my blood work is in fact abnormal, my thyroid glad is now acting up on top of the hot flashes that I have been experiencing, abnormal menstrual cycles have been giving us a hell! Not to mention that I'm extremely tired, guess what ladies we all carry the hormone testosterone in our bodies! Last year I was at 189 pounds this year I'm down to 180. We did discuss my weight issues, and not to mention that a piece of the puzzle that has been a pain in my ass! My testosterone level is very low, I should be about 81% of where I should be I'm down in the 20% range. That explains the weight gain that I have been having, tiredness and the I'm too tired to make love tonight.

There is a treatment that I will be starting on, I will have to see my obgyn in about 6 to 8 weeks from now to see where my testosterone level is. My obgyn thought it was stress and the issues that we had in the past but since there is no signs of over stressed and my blood pressure is normal remaining the same since I've been with her, that was not the factor this time. We did discuss my weight we're in an agreement that I would watch my portions don't skip meals and continue to work out. That way I remain active, while my hormones go nuts. And here I sit wanting to go to sleep again, I have been awake since 6:00 this morning except hitting the snooze button. Even swimming is not tempting or the laundry which I have to go do. Boy I'm going to feeling it tonight I still have to go to school. I will be fine, I have women's one day in the cupboard I'll take one of those, hopefully that will work.

Ladies here's a known fact hormones are NOTHING to play around with they are what keeps us going, sure they make that time of the month hell for some of us, your craping your tired, your bitchy. They cause Migrain headaches, they make us what we are strong unbeatable women. If you think that something is wrong go and see your doctor before it's too late, get the treaments that are needed. Don't sit there and say well it will go away or, you know I'm just too busy being the mom who drives the kids around, the cook the cleaning lady or the gal that attends bible study on a Monday night.

Here's the point don't wait until it's too late, take a closer look at yourself in the mirror don't put off what you should do today. If there is one positive thing that I know is love yourself as you love others, that makes every thing good. I know I have a lot on my plate, the love that I have for my wellbeing is enough to say you know I will sleep in on the weekends. I'll take that 30 minute time out, do something for yourselves most importantly don't for get that you are still human. Go ahead scream at me for putting a post that should be talked about, if your younger or older than me give me some positive adivce I'm 33 years old and I'm proud of it!

Post below

2008-06-02T22:31:00.000-07:00

The post was written on May 27, 2008. As far as I can tell my faithful readers, C is not making much progress as of last Friday the 30th his behaviors has cost him his speech class, he is suppose to have being stated in his I.E.P that speech is part of his school work. When a demand is placed on C he gets mad and starts throwing a fit. C is then taken out of the class room and put in a quiet room on campus. The only progress that has been made on C's part is his math he is almost at grade level whether he continues to learn at his own pace that is up to C, on June 11th we will travel up to where C is staying, I can not begin to tell you what it's like having a child that knows so much but has behaviors that are a mistery to all of us. This all for now will write again soon.

Sorry For The Break

2008-06-02T22:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I have any readers left, nor do I stop by those who regularly read. Too much has been going on since my last post, and with every weekend off I'm planning to update a little more. I finally convinced my supervisor to let me have every Saturday off, instead of working every other Saturday, my school work has consuming my time with the family, but that is the price you pay when you return to school. I have no regrets in returning it has built my self esteem higher than my previous return to school 3 yrs ago; I'm finding this to more informational than I had in high school and some how I'm retaining more than ever before.

My grades are not exactly where I want them to be, at least they are better than I believe they could ever be; I'm happy with them my teacher has much faith in me. Which is a good thing because speaking in front of a group of strangers is not a walk in the park! I get very nervous where my body starts to shake I can feel my face turn red, and my hands start to shake, not a simple task to over come. So in this class I'm learning how to put a speech together and speaking in front of a small group is not so bad, my first night we had to pick an activity out of a hat and talk about it. It was a tad bit nerve racking thank god for a small class! I do not think I would be able to do it in front of a large class of 10.

For the most part I'm loving school, home work can be a breeze if I could have more time on it. That is why I've decided to remove myself from working every other Saturday, to working one Saturday a month. Ch is loving the idea now we can actually do something other than wasting a weekend. I can be more productive with my learning team, this will help tremendously cutting my work hours; my supervisors understands where I'm coming from, her daughter was doing the same thing that I was doing bringing my homework in and working on it during my breaks. I'm pleased she took notice of my school work and has taken me off every Saturday and only work once a month.

As for C we get to see him tomorrow he did call last Friday evening he is missing home, he can not control himself; outings are out of the question at the moment we do not know all the details nor do we know what is really going on with him. We know that he is in need of intense care, he said he is not progressing to a lower level of care, he is still being sent to the quiet room; This is a challenge for C to be away from us. I have not stepped into C's bedroom since he left nor, can I look at his room, it the same as he left it. It is in need of a good vacuuming and a paint job, I just can not bring myself in doing anything with it.

J on the other hand is loving every moment of C being gone, except for his suspension, for fighting. J was protecting himself from the other boy when the teacher saw what was going on, both J and the other boy were sent to the office, J's teacher called me to pester me about getting J to see his counselor before this had taken place, she senced that J was still unhappy with the situation of C being out of the house turns out, that J is not unhappy but getting ticked off with the other kid picking on him. If the teacher had saw that the other kid was the one getting to J, I think she would have a different point of view. The teacher thought that J is the type of kid to start fights he is not, we told the teacher at the I.E.P meeting he is not the type of kid that would start fights, most of the time it's the other kids that have been after J. He's just defending himself.

My neighbors who have known J for a long time know he's not the type of kid to start a fight, I'm sure he would put up a good argument but that is far as he would take it unless the other kid throws the first punch. Since I haven't taught J to fight because of C, having behavioral problems there was no way J was going to be taught self defence lessons We have a month left before C returns home, J has found peace during this difficult transition. Ch often thinks it's not fair having one child here and the other gone. But C needs the help, more than ever.

I will post more as soon as I get a chance, home work has not been easy to accomplish. I have learned a lot since returning to school I feel I have accomplished a great deal in the last 5 months I pray to continue down the road of success.

Children and Pets

2008-05-13T22:52:00.000-07:00

This little guy was sold over the weekend, needless to say I had to walk away. I did not have the heart to pet him one more time, knowing he'd be sold for meat. J won a gold fish which died before I had a chance to get food and a small fish tank, ended up replacing the dead gold fish with another beta. Life is just full of surprises J got 7th place for 1st year showmanship the goat got 5th place in market. $500.75 all money from the bank loan will be paid in full. My mother's day was spent at the Dixon May Fair, next year it will be my turn to stay a week.

C did call me to wish me a happy mother's day, our first without him. My 5th without my mum, it was not like last years mother's day nor did it feel like mother's day. C misses home we both cried a little and I haven't had any quiet time this past week too many things going on, between the fair and baby sitting life was a blur.

Birthday's and Other Stuff

2008-04-24T15:39:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks have been a blur, Ch along with his family took us to a different restaurant on the Delta the occasion celebrating my 33rd birthday. Yes I did turn 33 not that it was a big deal, we all had a good time. My oldest was a tad bit jealous mom got a bowl of ice cream with a candle, mind you I'm not big on surprises. I knew about the dinner because I would not have minded cooking, for all of us and since Ch has been working nights for the past 1 1/2 years he decided to take me out instead. So the cook got a break, and dinner was served by someone else. Made me feel pretty good. In other events leading up to my birthday, Ch has booked us a room in Reno for next month I will be attending my very first concert! I'm very excited I've never been to a concert and since this is one that I'm sure to enjoy. We're going to see Trac Adkins in concert, I'm very excited and J will be spending the weekend alone with his grandparents.

The final meeting took place on Tuesday the day before my birthday, our trusted advisor was there along with the county, and the program that is involved with C. We got the call late that afternoon letting us know C has been approved for residential care. On Friday I had gotten a call from one of the helpers asking if we had told C about the placement we told them we had not. Ch had already talked them while I was at work, I did not know since my phone is usually off while I'm at work. With the school having an in service day his classmates didn't have a chance to say goodbye, we did not have time to set up a doctors appointment so he could get his vitals read. We had Saturday and Sunday to get every thing cleaned for C, Ch took Monday off since I couldn't get of going to work.

Since it was my birthday weekend my boys wanted to take me out fishing, so we did that instead of attending church. None of my church family members knew what was going to happen, after dropping off the two girls that I baby sit. I stopped over to his former teachers house to let her know what was going to happen on Tuesday morning, and over to my Monday night bible studies teachers house, to let her know what was going on, and why I was not in church. She understood that family outings such as this was more important than attending church, having someone that understands gives me a sense of peace.

On Tuesday morning we drove to Seneca Center, and carpooled down to S.L. to check out the school and the house C will be staying at for the next 90 days is in Castro Valley. We were suppose to check out the school and the house before we left C, since Seneca Center and the school had in services we were not able to check everything out until Tuesday morning. We were impressed on the size of the house they have an actual back yard, six bedroom a nice size kitchen. For two children they have one counselor that is assigned to them. During the transition, C was being taught the rules of the house. Not too much at one time, but at least enough for him to get the concept.

As for us contacting him it will a 30 day grace period they do not want the parents input, unless it is needed. With that in placed I'm pretty much out of the loop of how C is doing at the moment, I can not stress over their rules and regulations that they have in placed. As far as I know from lasts night conversation with Ch, since they did call after I had left for school we are allowed to call after 9:30 p.m. to see how he is doing. Even though I've been pretty good about my peak time calls waiting on the weekends would be better, I do know that we will have to travel back and forth again for counseling. If that does happen I'm will be quitting my job entirely, I can't afford to drive back and forth to work. Since my job did call me last night I doubled, checked this morning there were no appointments for me. Hopefully the job does pick up soon, or many of us will be laid off, if that does happen there will be at least 21 m.t.'s looking for work.

And once more there is quiteness that has settled into the house, I'm praying that whatever happens in the next three months will be very helpful to C. After this program they will let us know what to do next whether it will be a group home or stay with us. After talking with someone yesterday about his behaviors before he went to bed and at school, I wasn't a bit surprised that it did not take C very long to prove what he can do. The counselor did not surprise me one bit on the information she was giving me, I told her that is the way it has been for the past two years any thing he says or does will not shock me. Nor will it put a dapper on my spirit everyone that has worked with C know's what he is capable of doing.

All I ask of my readers is to continue to pray for us, that he will be recieving the help that he needs. C can be hell on wheels and for the first time in months, my living room has not been distroyed.

They Finally Listened

2008-04-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

And we finally won PRAISE THE LORD! Nerves have been shot, I'm going to try to eat some soup.... maybe if it will stay down. The next step is getting release forms from Kiaser, and if we were told this before the meeting we would have been on it.

if you don't know what your doing, pray
to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his
help, and won't be condescended to when you
ask for it. Ask boldly, believing, without a
second thought.

~James 1:5-6 MSG~

A Living Nightmare

2008-04-07T22:27:00.000-07:00

Oh it could have been worse, as of right now it can get only worse we will not know the outcome until tomorrow afternoon's meeting. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this, I know my nerves are on edge; as of this evening J. was on his way home from feeding his goat, when our neighbor stopped him in his tracks and asked us not to talk about C the way we have been doing. What the hell! No one knows of what is going on with C, I do not talk to any one outside my group of friends and I do not talk with any one at the only store in this town! Due to the fact that no one is willing to step up to the plate and ask us what is wrong with our son, J took this very hard. To say the least. He was playing Montgomery Gentry when I pulled into the drive way, he had it playing loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear, what can I say he's got good taste in music. It took him 30 minutes to spill his guts, he told me that she heard that we wanted to get rid of C'; she knows we are trying to get him the help he needs. Now the whole freaken town knows and the last person I wanted to find out about this was my Pastor from the church we attend to. They are the last one's to know, I do not want any meddling from any one; we have kept this to ourselves and only letting those who we trust to know what is going on.

As quick as J told me I was on the phone to my bible study teacher, I'm so glad she answered the phone. I explained to her what was being said behind our backs, she knows the pressure we have been under, knows that I'm attending school, baby sitting along with my regular job which I could not quit too much hard work and tears, along with clients that have the privilege in having a massage from me. Like many other's have said about me you are a strong person, you have the will power of doing all of this don't you think it's a little too much right now? No because I need to make a difference in my families income I can not keep working for pay that does not cover every thing we're making it from pay check to paycheck and with the talk of what is going on I just felt like someone had it hit me with a grenade, the only people that I could narrow it down to would be my former supervisor and her grandson, who attends J's school they are both in the same class, his student aid use to be C's aid when he was attending public school.

I know assuming is wrong, I also know that gossip hurts other's and does nothing good but to harm those who hear it. The last time I saw my former supervisor and her uppity daughter they had a run in with C needless to say I tried to explain to both of them that we are trying everything we can for C, of course the blame again lays as my fault! Can't you control him? Oh I would have loved to show both of them how we control him, by holding him down for 10 minutes to 1 hour. And see what they both have to say about that. As I'm writing this out, I can feel tears of pain and anger slipping down my checks. And praying for angles to protect me and my family from harm.

I do not need the gossip or lies that people like to say about us, and what we are trying to do for our son. He needs help more than what we can give him I'm praying for every one's help that the county will finally come to their senses and realize that this has gone on for too long and it has gone to far with everyone aboard, of course this new program that is working with us seems to think we need more enforcements what we need is for someone to actually listen to our pleas and stop handing us stuff that does not work. We did in fact talk to a layer about J talking to a social worker at school, he said J would be the one pulled from the family not C. Because he is scared of his brother which he did tell the social worker, who in turned called us. Which got us no where close to getting the help we needed for C, that just got people stating facts that we are trying everything we can for C. That was coming from C's counselor from the county, as of today C had an incident at school and one at his program that he is enrolled they are not helpful in what C needs I'm sorry to say that, if they were willing to give us more of a hand in control they should have known not to take his case. We may not have a teacher calling us to come and get our son. We are still no step closer to helping C with his outbursts, his doctor did up one of his meds, I came down hard and told Ch why don't we just give the poor kid caffeine and see what happens, I'm really tired of the meds already.

I may have been blessed with two son's, thankful that only one son is more difficult than the other. As of two hours ago he finally figured that when his chores are done the right way and his goat is taken care of he has more time to play. Geeze and it took him all of the school year to finally figure it all out, a good kid with a heart of gold huumm wonder where it gets it from.

In closing I leave you with this

Joy comes from knowing God loves me
and knows who I am and where I'm going...
that my future is secured as I rest in him.
~james Dobson~

Farewell to Massage Envy

2008-03-18T23:55:00.000-07:00

I have talked with Ch about me quitting my job, we both feel it is high time. There is another Massage Envy that recently opened up after today's talk with my Lead Therapist I'm done, I will be putting in my two week notice tomorrow, I would have put it in writing today while I was at work since there is too many eyes I felt that coming home was the best way to do it. I'm not sure what to tell any of my clients, I feel I have none left in the last three weeks my work has been very slow. Too many Massage Therapist have been hired in the last month, and with so many of us there is no need for me. I feel my work is not as good as other therapist, so in turn I have nothing to show for what I have done. I knew my time was coming I was hoping to last into the third week into April, we both feel that it is time for me to quit. Our computers have been acting up since Friday night, the owner does not care about who works on our systems in turn we have some goofball of a massage therapist who thinks he knows every thing. In turn has screwed our computers, another reason why I'm quitting. No more commuting I can cook breakfast for my boys, and continue to baby sit.

As for my schooling I have gotten two A+, one in my previous class and in my current class. I feel this is my reward of turning a tide, I am scared of the unknown I know I'm taking my chances in every thing that I'm doing right now. For now the Lord is my guiding light, his arms is what carries me through my toughest days. I may not like what my Lead Therapist may say to me when I go back to work on Friday and I could careless, she started it I'm finishing with so many unwanted comments I could have told her off yesterday, I did not want to be fired today. I feel that if they do not want to stick up for their massage therapist then there is no use of working for a company that does not care. This place of work has taught me a lot since I've been with them for year and half, I should have listened a long time ago do not work for someone that you do not know the company well enough to work for.

The good thing that came out of it was getting a new suv, I feel that is my only reward out of this whole mess. I will call my insurance to let them know to take Massage Envy off, put down my business name down. I do have a chance of getting extra credentials towards my massage career I have to find out how to get there and to see if I will be able to get the time off of work I'm sure there will be other classes to take, once the dust settles. Right now my work is unsettled I feel it every time I walk into the building wondering if there will be enough work for me, or will I get the call we do not need you today, we're putting you on call so that our other new hires gets the work. They told all of us that they would not put the older one's on call, only the new one's they have lied to us.

For some reason my heart is not heavy burden this time around, for some reason I'm feeling pretty good about quiting. I'm not sure why, I haven't felt this reassurance in a long time. What ever the reason behind it, I'm not going to question it. I'm just letting every thing be as it should, being left alone let it take care of itself there is nothing I can do about. There will be other jobs, there will always be a place for Massage Therapy, it is one of those careers once you learn it you can not forget it. There is other writing projects that I want to write about, for now I wanted to let my readers know I doing good. And I can not wait for my two weeks to be up, I'm going to work on getting my weight down before summer vacation. In the mean time may you all have a wonderful Easter.

Couldn't find a title

2008-03-05T12:20:00.000-08:00

I know it has been a while since my last post, life has thrown us another curve ball. We had our I.E.P meeting last Tuesday, I was very late for work; Since our meeting went into over time. Ch stayed until 12:30 he was late getting to his class, but it was worth it. So what came out of the meeting? A bunch of Fucking Bull Shit! C's counselor through the county is getting fired from the I.E.P team why because she is got on my last Fucking nerve! We called this meeting together to discuss a group home that C can get into without feeling as if he will gone forever we just need to get him some help. His behaviors have take an up ward spiral, C had kicked another student in the stomach the week before our I.E.P meeting, he was taken out of the classroom because his behaviors skyrocketed where he was being unsafe in the classroom. C was brought back into the class room on Monday of this week, Ellen (not her real name) was there in listening to the reports of C's outburst, do you think she would budge and say you win, we will find placement for him. Oh Hell NO!! Instead I've got another outsider coming in from a company called Seneca, a little more advanced then our last helper that we had, the difference they don't accept gifts from families. Nor do they offer any respet care, so we are back to square one. Which means our cries have gone unheard. Because That bitch in the corner doesn't give a damn who my son hurts as long as she gets a pay check! I compared his behaviors from his previous outbreaks they are the same nothing has changed except the dosage of his meds.

Oh gets worse from here, I'm already pissed off from earlier because they finally got someone to do some in home help. I'm not sure if I should trust this company because C is still acting out, he has his moments but it's not enough to keep anyone safe from his temper of throwing a fist at you or kicking you when he is in one of his rages. So Ellen decides to up their hours to 10 hours per week, I'm sure what that will do because we have done every thing that is ever asked of us. So Tuesday before Ellen leaves she gives Henry (not his real name) a video recording of the Super Nanny. It didn't take long for the boxing gloves to be moved from Ch to me real fast, we were throwing punches left and right she didn't know what to do. After Ch was done asking her how long will it take for someone to realize C is a danger to himself and to others when someone lands in the hospital is that what it will take? She didn't look at us She told Henry that He would be at our house three days a week. Let's see here if I'm off to school on Wednesday's because I need a higher education to get a decent paying job, so that night is out. So that leaves Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday's. I have a book that I requested through Sac county, I pull that sucker out I had Ellen running for the nearest door. I told her in front of every one in the room I should have went with my gut instinct and had a layer present at today's meetings. She didn't like that one bit. Hell I don't give a damn, we've dealing with the shit for 2 years it's about time some one takes some kind of action before he ends up hurting some one really bad.

This past Monday C gave Henry and his helper that came with him, because she had some questions for me about C's behavior and what we have done for him in the last 2 yrs. It's a good thing that I don't throw important stuff out. Or take it off the fridge, I explained that we have had rules in placed for the last 2 yrs, we have tried the token broad, sticker board, it has gone as far as me boxing up his toys. Which I have to take out of his room when I have a spare moment, about 2 hours into the meeting with Seneca C showed them what he is like during the times that I'm usually doing dinner. C gave them a run for their money. I'm just not talking about running from me when he's done something bad, I'm talking about throwing the f word, the b word and every other word he can get of his little mouth. C gave Henry a kick, hit him with a stick, told him to got to hell, spit on him. Took both grown adults to hold one child down, which lasted for 2 hours on Monday evening, I didn't say a word, due to the fact that I know what he can do. His actions are not pretty but when it comes to those who are new in C's life you better be able to move fast and quick, because C can change in three seconds flat, I've timed him. They realize that we weren't kidding. C has issues, his mind of a 4 yr old doesn't help either, in the meantime I've got this program telling me what I should be doing for him. Excuse me but I've been through this before, I know what my son is capable of doing. If it weren't for me getting a hold of my angle from Advanced Kids, to come over in her spare time and discussing what I should do, like boxing up his toys, or not letting him outside when there is no adult supervision.

So Tuesday I get a call from Henry, while I'm driving home from work, tells me that I should not let C have any toys, or out of my site while C is outside. So I told him that you know I've done that already he doesn't have anything to play with, we have another lock on the door, I've had to undue our garage door several times. And further more if I have to hold him down or if he runs away I'm calling the police with a 51-50, maybe then it get the point across this mom is through playing games! By that time his phone was cutting out, he would be picking up C on Thursday after school. We'll see how long this lasts. I'm not counting on anything good coming out of this, hell I need sleep! So that's where we stand a bitch that doesn't care a group that is coming to realize that we weren't lying. And rules that don't seem to do anything but everyone more pissed off by the minute. He also had the nerve of asking how C was after they had left went to bed without any problems, the first time I've seen him this tired since the end of summer.

Needing to Vent

2008-02-20T12:04:00.000-08:00

Boy isn't that the truth! I'm getting to the point my job is not work my time or money. And I'm not talking aobut baby sitting either, at this point I would rather work with children. They may not like having some one tell them what to do, at least they don't find a way of getting you fired, and to all of my readers if I have any left; How the hell do you tell your supervisor that one of your co-workers are trying to get some one fired because she does not like him? I really HATE MY JOB!! It's not a fun place to work, it has became a place that I pretend that doesn't exsist but that is hard to do. Further more I am not their freaken MAID!! I do the work because no one will do it, the receptionist could careless about hot towels that we sometimes use. Hell if one more thing goes wrong between now and when I put in my two week notice in, I swear to God I'm going to sream. There is nothing worse than having to with some one who can't leave other people alone, the only reason why she leaves me alone because I'm just one that does what she wants and not talk to any one about anything. Hell my work is full of Bull shit, I was asked for my insurance I told her that I would bring it in. Hell I should just hand her a two week notice along with my insurance and see what they say.

I'm pretty sure they would be better off without me, they don't need me for anything, except to work on their so called clients I'm so wanting to throw in the towel and just give them what they want, for me to quit. I'm not settling for them to win me back so they can offer me more money they should have done that from the very beginning, in the past six weeks my tips have been 5 to 15.00 tips. No 20.00 like I got back in the fall and winter, Ch was not pleased counting out what I have made in two weeks, as the saying goes good things comes to those who paitiently wait. I believe that whole heartedly, I know it's not easy on him. At least we make each other smile even on bad days. It may not be easy for me being here by myself, at least all the doors are locked, both boys are in bed, and my homework for this week is done. Tomorrow night is school. On thursday I'll start my next homework assignment, that way if I have nothing to do at work I can take my lap top and note pad start on my next assignment, even though I don't have internet access I can start putting ideas down on paper, then transfer it over to the computer.

Ch's work will be getting another lead worker to the crew, which is great. That way I can finally have my hubby home in the evenings for two months of days, then two months of nights. Which will be a lot easier on me and the boys. That way when I've got a major assignment I can get it done without being bugged every so often of MOOM!! C is hitting me again or J won't let me have a game or whatever the case may be. At least we will have our evenings back again, I haven't really thought about getting another job after quitting this one, I'm pretty happy of child sitting and going to school, my main focus is getting through everything with paitence, faith and happiness. Sure I'm stressed out right now it's not easy having to deal with work, kids and school at least it's not like I'm not getting paid. Tomorrow I will finally get paid for all the hard work I've been doing. The only commute I will have is to school, shopping and doctor appointments, that I've neglected to make for myself.

I have found something in my eye I'm not sure what it is, I thought it was a piece of fuzz flooting around in my eye, so I took a q-tip to it, I found it's part of my eye where the blood vessels are. I have worn glasses since my first year of high school, so I know that this not normal. I'm closely watching my eye for any discoloration, or any type of loss of vission. I know I should not wait, when there is no money and my children have been going through growing spurts lately I have to put my needs asside. I have told Ch about it, there is nothing we can do about it at the moment, my eyes and my whole well being is very important to me. For now I'm going to wade this out for a little while. I know I shouldn't when there is hardly any money I can not afford to not items that are needed such as gas, food and whatever else we tend to run out of before our next paychecks. At least we have eachother, family is important to us, we have been invited out to dinner on Saturday with Ch's parents for dad in laws birthday, I told Ch that we should go. I'm praying that my work picks up on Thursday and friday, that way we can go out to dinner with them.

I have been up early this morning, I came home from work not feeling well. Ch just pulled up 4:45 comes mighty early I need my sleep. May you all have a good week.

Gone Too Long

2008-02-04T22:16:00.000-08:00

Just a short post to let you know, we are doing okay. We still have a lot of work ahead of us, we are in the process of getting the help we need for C, I just pray that it will be soon. This past Friday was my sister in laws 5 years of being clean, she is very proud of what she has accomplished. We also bought a new computer to replace the one that died on us, I will get to your all of your bloggs as soon as I can figure out how to upload them. Most of the ones that I read are private or on Ch's list of ones that he reads. In the meantime may you all have a blessing of a week, my blog is here to stay. I have too many posts to delete, and the hearteche of leaving here would be too much. I have made a lot of friends through here I'm not about to shut down any time soon. I will change my background when I get the chance. For now Good Night.

Birthday Thoughts

2008-01-16T23:05:00.000-08:00

Today would have been my mom's 65th birthday, if she was still here today all three of us would find a way of getting together or waiting until the weekend to take her out to dinner. She would make her cake and decorate it with home made frosting, how I remeber her cakes her frosting was to die for. She wouldn't ask anything of us just as long as we were happy and healthy, that's all she cared about. Never asked for anything special just lots of hugs and kisses from her three kids. She wouldn't mind a bottle of Lady Stetson, to this day I can't walk by a bottle of that and not think of her. So here's to you mom I know you would like this song as much as I do.

Reba M.
I'll Be
When darkness falls upon your heart and soul
I'll be the light that shines for you
When you forget how beautiful you are

I'll be there to remind you
When you can't find your way
I'll find my way for you

When trouble comes around
I will come to you

I'll be your shoulder when you need someone to lean on
be your shelter when you need someone to see you through
I'll be there to cary you through

I'll be there I'll be the rock that will be strong for you
The one that will hold on to you
When you feel the rain falling down
Where there's nobody else around

I'll be

And when you're there with no one there to hold
I'll be the arms that reach for you
And when you feel your faith running low

I'll be there to believe in you
When all you find are lies
I'll be the truth you need

When you need someone to run to
You can run to me
I'll be the sun
When your hear's full of rain
I'll be the one
To chase the rain away

2008-01-06T22:27:00.000-08:00

I'm still here just getting my schooling figured out, too much at once. I'm back to baby sitting tonight and trying to work on my paper for school, after losing power all day Friday and most of the morning on Saturday, I'm very behind in blogging and writing my paper. I'm not sure what to really think of going back to school, right now I'm feeling overwhelmed and under pressure since Friday. Due to the power being out, I couldn't look up any information for my paper. And today was the first day that I finally got the chance to find all kinds of reading for it.

So my question to you my readers, if I have any left since I started this blog two years ago. How do you cope when things are out of your hands? How late should I be staying up to get my work done. I'm not someone who likes to stay up late, and try to get up early, I like to get up and be on time for work, none the less my paper is due on Wednesday before class by 6 p.m. The only thing that is saving me right now is having Wednesday's off so I can do my work, correct any thing that needs to be corrected and send it off email wise. Every school is different, every teacher and subject are different. At least I'm feeling somewhat proud of going back to school, not many of us get such a chance, or we just aren't able to find time or the money to do so.

One of the hardest parts of returning back to school, is being away from J and C I'm always been there for them when they need something and now I'm not but I also know this is the best way of getting ahead. I'm tired of small paychecks and having to worry if I have enough tip money to pay on my truck payment. Taking this step was a big challenge for all of us, not knowing the outcome is a little scary. Many times I have wanted to call my guidance counselor and see if she had any ideas of how to get out of my job fast even though I just started school. It's not easy working on commission I don't get to make my own hours I have to be there when they say, and since I took vacation which isn't often my paycheck was very small 238.48 small. Then having it rubbed in my face by one of my co-workers that she took home $140.00 in tips last week, I felt very small and empty inside. I wanted to just walk out and never show up there again, I didn't need that, I didn't want to hear what I had missed out.

My family came first my nerves couldn't take much more, the whining, complaining of other therapist. And how that she seemed better than me, she doesn't have kids or a husband she doesn't know what it's like being a mom, or a wife for that matter she's 35 yrs old and still single, I can see why not very admired for what she's done in her life nor the fact that there is more to life than just going out drinking every other weekend or she has enough to spend. Hell it must be nice to live that kind of life! It was either spend some time with the family or work, you took what you needed; And missed out on the pay, not to mention that we had to turn clients away because we were so booked.

The only day that we were busy was on New Years eve, we are and always remain closed on New years day. I guess it was kind of selfish of me taking so much time off of work. I took the Christmas eve, the day after Christmas and Friday, Monday and went back to work on Thursday. I'm to the point I don't care any more about my job, I'm so sick of what is either being done, or being said about other people that I can't find a quiet spot for me to relax and focus on what is important to me. I'm praying that some how I will find a positive way out of my situation without feeling, that I'm letting my clients down by not being at work.

May this year bring me blessings and hope along my journey, to whatever lies ahead for me. And may the right doors be opened, may the one's that I've journeyed through be closed without me feeling guilty or hurt that I may find peace every thing that I do.

Conversations And Other Stuff

2007-12-10T22:23:00.000-08:00

Maybe it should read TMI, of course there is other things, that sisters and brothers should not share with one another. My loving brother who I'm very close with has been calling me a lot lately, he's finally got himself a cell phone one that he can actaully call me on. And one that I hope that he can keep. So any way here's what our blushing conversation went.

Brother - Hey Sis what's going on?

Me - Nothing much getting dinner done.

Brother - I've er got something to ask you, that I can't ask any one else. (My thoughts oh great don't tell me about your sex life, because I'm not interested in it).

Brother - Are you still there?

Me - Yes. Okay go ahead and ask....or dare I want to know.

Brother - Have you ever.....um.....shaved your neither regions?

Me - OH MY GOD I don't believe your asking me this question, this is one thing you just don't share with your sister!

Brother - It's one question you just don't ask your best friend because he's a guy, and I couldn't ask him for his opinion...I had to ask you.

Me - Okay here's the deal...if I tell you....YOU better not say another word to me about this,

Brother - Oh this is cool! I've finally gotten you out of your box. My thoughts my own brother has gotten me good! Well are you going to tell me?

Me - Yes I have are you happy Now!?! Since you've got me blushing let me just say my brother was very proud of himself, he was laughing thought it was pretty good. To say the least I told him the truth he asked if it's suppose to burn? Okay you know something this is not my favorite subject Brother - I know isn't it great your finally opening up? Oh hell!!... I use to.... not any more too many infections. Now I just shave my bikini line, I hope your happy for getting me all flustered Brother - Yes very happy. My thoughts your lucky you don't live close someone was getting some ice in a bag under the covers. Brother - Is it suppose to burn? So your pain eh LOL! Okay that's uncalled for. To say the least I wanted to crown my brother; We talked about how his new girl friend and him were getting along, and how his work was going. Just the regular every day stuff. He finally talked to our sister and my God Mother who isn't all that well, at least she is moving along pretty well for a 92 yr old.

After lots of thinking and praying I've decided to return back to school, they don't have any day classes, only evening I've got two people in mind. I'm sure that this will work out and I can move on to bigger and better challenges. For some reason I love a challenge I also like to take chances of doing things that get me motivated in the right direction. So I'm going to start back to school on Dec 19Th. My orientation is on Dec 13Th, which is just right around the corner. I'm excited yet a little nervous of going back, I know this will be good for me, and hopefully when the time is right I can go back into massage therapy, and find a school that is not so costly.

This has been sitting on my computer for a week yikes! I had it all figured out put boys to bed finish and head to bed myself, as some plans do fail at times at least I've finally got a post that isn't three weeks delay. As soon as I get this baby sitting thing in order and hopefully that will be soon, I'll be posting a little more.

Where To Begin

2007-12-01T13:10:00.000-08:00

Yes those who are still here, it's been a crazy week; And feeling the pinch of how the hell did I get into this mess in the first place? And now I've put a forbearance against my student loan because I don't make enough to pay the damn bill, because my boss has decided not to give me a raise after being there for a year, oh you get a shirt instead, that won't pay my truck payment that won't help buy my boys shoes they need, that won't help with our house payment that just went up a hundred dollars this month; Hell I should have thought this through a lot more than I did. The only light that has actually seeing us through if it works out, is babysitting we'll see how long I can keep up with it, without losing my Patience with C. She's a friend of mine we lost contact a few years ago. My wonderful friend said she couldn't do it because she makes too much. She asked me if I was willing to help out? So I've got two girls along with J and C. We do need the extra income the only thing is I'll have to claim this money on my taxes, I'm getting paid through the county.

The thin light to this situation is possably going back to school again, the only problem with that is finding the time, money and praying for a miracle, without nothing going wrong. Hell I've had it a lot worse than this, that's one memory that I have never shared with any one, the only people that know is my brother and my sister we feel it more this time of year. I'll just leave the rest alone. So any way back to my forbearance loan when I was talking to the customer service rep, she said that it will be for 1 yr, so I don't have to pay anything the only thing that would help a lot is for me to go back to school asap, even though the loan is inactive the default will turn itself around saying that I'm a student trying to make a better life for her family.

So here's my question to any one that has ever done this before, so what college should I be looking into? One that will take ungodly time to get through or one that will help finding a job in less than a year? Any suggestions would help. Right now Massage Therapy this time of year sucks big time, at least I was working during Thanksgiving weekend. Having three appointments and all of them are either five dollar tips or on the cards it doesn't help, most of us live off of our tips when our paychecks are gone. That's were I'm standing right now, of course it doesn't help that I'm taking a much needed break at the end of this month so I can clear my head without feeling more stressed out than I am feeling right now.

I would look for a new job right now which is imposable, I mean anything can change at work they could have me booked solid or it could stay the same. Even though one of Ch's old crew members asked me if I was willing to work up in Napa at a place that I had applied sevarel months ago, I would if the price was right, I'm not traveling up there when she wants to pay me $7.00 an hour the same is what I'm making now. And if the tips are anything like I'm getting at this place it wouldn't be worth the drive, traffic, and gas, I should be bringing home more than $453.02 that was my last paycheck. Hell yes it could be a lot worse, I can't even go down to my uncles house who doesn't live too far from me, every time I call him he wants to know when I'm coming to see him. I tell him soon, I know that's not good enough which hurts me a lot for telling him that. He's the one that helped my mom out when us kids were little.

Every thing happens for a reason, hell maybe a second time in going back to school will be better than the first. If I can figure out a way of paying for the classes, right now I'm feeling very stressed one minute I feel hungry the next, I'm not wanting anything to eat; This has happen before, when I get like this or I want to cry, pray, scream with rage and feeling as if I'm being tortured of Christmas Past. That's one memory I don't want my boys to ever have, I will not beg my mother in law for money we did that last month, because we didn't have enough to pay our house payment lucky for us dad doesn't know unless mom told him. Praying she didn't.

Praying for happy, peaceful thoughts and may I find my path that lead me to more of peace that I'm feeling right now.

I've Turned 2!

2007-11-18T22:10:00.000-08:00

And I rather be hanging out here instead of being at work, I'm having issues at work and I'm not sure if I want to continue being a massage therapist. It's starting to make me mad and very disappointed in this company it's more of my colleagues than the company. I work for Massage Envy at first I thought it was a really good job, after a while I'm not all that sure of how I really feel about this company, and they are based in AZ. And right now I'm having negative thoughts on how the location that I'm working at is not the greatest. I can not transfer out because they have already denied me of that, because I don't have issues with any of my co-workers I get along well with my clients that come in and see once in a while. I'm not even sure what is in store for me, whatever my future may hold may it be a positive out look and not what I'm doing now. I've learned a lot from working here not enough to get me out, they don't offer continuing education course which I have to look into for my insurance policy. Even then it's a lot of money to keep that up. Right now I'm sticking this out until we get our taxes done, if there is enough money for me to go back to school, any school I'm very seriously going to look at a different career path, one that I won't have to stress over.

Besides writing posts on just about every thing, any thing, and having a place that I can vent has really helped in a lot of ways, I and Ch haven't really fought since I started my blog just a little over a year ago. Sure we've had a few ups and downs, nothing for us to really fight about, how can we? When he works nights and I work during the day, we don't get to see one another all that much, except for dinner with all of us. Either I take dinner to him or I'll have him come home for dinner, it depends on what he's got going on. Or if C decides to throw a temper before we walk out the door to see Ch. Then I'll call him ask him if it's possable for you to come home? C's having a rough evening a temper more like it. I was once asked how I felt about him working evenings? My reply was he's not having issues with his co-workers that he use to work with, his hours may not be ideal for a family like ours, but at least I know he's much happier, sure he misses being home in the evenings, I know it's not what we would always want for now we manage pretty well.

Having to really look at where we have been, and what it's taken for us to get where we are today, just learning that every day is better than the last. Not taking each other for granted is one of the positive steps we have taken, not getting mad over the little stuff that comes up. Even when I happen to leave the laundry sitting on the couch because I'm exhausted from chasing C around the block or it's just been one of those lousy days at work and my head is pounding because someone wore way too much perfume the night before, oh I've had that happen boy stale perfume has an awful smell to it. Sorry if I've offended any of you, I can't wear any of it I'll break out into one massive sneeze fit, my eyes start itching, my nose comes all stuffed up. It's not fun.

Was it tough to write about any thing that I've posted this year? Looking back over my two years of posting many of my writings have been about love, life, and loss. Either way I know it's part of growing you can't change what has happened, but you can at least give yourself enough time and breathing room to coupe. It's not easy to do even in my line of work I have to be careful of how close I get with clients many of them have told they would cancel their memberships because I know what I'm doing. Which is a hard one to swallow, I feel that I would be letting them down, at the same time I know the stress that I've been under is not good. I also know that life is too short for mistakes, learning from them is a better climb to what is in store. I believe whole heartedly that paths will open when I least expect them to, in the meantime I will keep my head up thank god for the good things he has given me, be thankful for the family and friends that I have.

As for J's unkind neighborhood kid, he's finally getting the clue to stay away from each other. J doesn't want to be his friend because of the way he treats him, neighbor kid isn't the type of boy that he needs to be hanging out with. J sees him as a bad influence on C, which is good J doesn't like the way he treats other kids and teachers at school. We'll see what happens after fall break, they got out on Friday, I know here it is Sunday and I'm still working on this post; That's what happens when you've got so much going on and life seems to get in the way.

So what's next for my blog? I'm not really sure at the moment, I'm hoping to be able to post more positive outlooks maybe a little venting now and then. Or just being able to leave it open for suggestions, I wanted to be able to feel again, love again and laugh again. And you know I've done it all. I have become the person that I know I should be, very caring loving and a friend with open arms. Tonight I started baby sitting again, I've done it off and on over the years. And when I walked up to the gals apartment, we already knew one another. She couldn't believe it, here she thought oh no not another stranger! And when she turned around and saw me she was pretty relieved, I took her two youngest girls with me, brought them home. C had so much fun that he actually stayed put for the first time in months. What a blessing for both of us working mom's that know each other. I've known her oldest and middle child when I was working at the store I didn't know she had another little girl. I take them for a few hours that way her oldest will be able to get her chores and school work done, and I take the other two for a few hours a night. I'm glad to be doing something fun for a change instead of having to worry about work.

After working on this for a few days, due to so much activity going on. I'm able to look back and say I managed to get my life back in order, I was the one who found myself very sad, angry and wondering what the hell did I ever do to be treated without respect. Today I'm very happy, very much in love with the man that I married 13 1/2 yrs ago, with two loving boys that I'm proud to have. So Here's to those who say it can't be done, I say it can with lots of help, prayers and self respect. You can do just about anything that life throws at you. May I continue to grow in faith, love, and a woman that is full of life.

I'm Still Here

2007-11-11T22:25:00.000-08:00

Not really sure where to start, needing to find the time to sit down and write what is going on. Just haven't had the time. With Ch working nights and me during the day, by the time I get home from work I'm either doing the laundry, cleaning the house, or making sure C doesn't run out the front door without permission, or hitting one of the neighborhood kids. Making sure I don't forget to put in an hour for myself, I've been known to forget about me when things have come up. We're all hanging in there, to say the least there are a few areas that are needing our attention, which I will be posting later this week if not tomorrow night. Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers. That we will get through this situation and J won't be getting himself kicked out of school, just pray for his self control he's back on the perfect attendese again this year. I will post more on this just bare with me; J is very upset right now and praying that he will choose his words and actions wisely.

This is all for now will be back tomorrow evening.

We're All Fine

2007-10-30T22:44:00.000-07:00

By the time you all read this, it will be Wed. morning, tonight we had a 5.6 earth quack. At first I wasn't sure until Ch called me and I started to feel some strange movements and J who was sitting on the floor in front of the t.v. said the floor was moving. Ch was on a bridge waiting for openings because someone drove right through the gates on the Mc Colomee bridge. He thought it was a big rig going over the bridge then realized there was no one out there. At first I didn't believe he until I looked my, shandlelear was doing the waltz on it's own. Looked over at our water cooler it was doing the waltz too. J said that felt weird C said oh...was...that an earth shake? I said yes, I called my Godmother she felt all the way down in Turlock, very shallow felt as far as Pollick Pines. Lasted for about 1 min, 3 after shocks were also felt, I felt those 11 different after shocks. Centered near Milpitas at 8:05 p.m. tonight. They are saying continued aftershocks are expected in days to come.

It's very late for me I'm usually in bed. As for my cats one is outside, the other is not venturing outside she is a very nervous kitty right now. Was sleeping on the couch and as soon as C got in the bath and out, she is staying very close to C. Thats all I've got right now, Calaveras Fault is the one that is moving. That is all for now, I'm off to bed.

HAPPY HAllOWEEN!!

My Silence

2007-10-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

I haven't told many people, Ch knows we've made jokes about it. Health wise I know that I'm not alone that many women go through this, many have said I'm too young. I haven't really said much about it in the past few years. Because it comes and goes, lately it's been a little worse than other times. I haven't had the chance to do any research, I'm too involved with both boys and no time to really look up any information, I've been told that many women younger than me have not had any children because their bodies seemed work against them. In my case I was very blessed to have two boys when we did, I'm slowly going through a change that is suppose to happen to older women, in their 40's not in their 30's. I'm not letting this awful change get the best of me. I'm learning to keep my tongue in check, I know that this is very important, I can't let every little thing get to me.

There are a few things that I don't like about this, is dealing with mild hot flashes. Yes people I did say that awful word! And not taking it back. Oh and the change of my sex drive, I haven't mentioned any of this in any of my post over the past year, because I thought it would go away on it's own and who was I kidding! At my last appointment back in April of this year, I was talking to my obgyn about my changes. We did a pap found that my body was differently going through what most women go through in their later years. I wasn't sure how to respond to this, I've known for a long time; Not knowing how to come out and say I've got this change and I'm going through and it's bit annoying if you ask me. So basically I've been living in silence not wanting to discuss any of this with any one, to be honest with you all I'd rather not have brought up this subject, but it's gotten to the point that I needed to write about it.

Sure there are times that I think of other kids, then just at that moment J and C start fighting then I realize that, it's better just having our two boys and not another one. I'm thrilled to have my two boys to keep me on my toes and play soccer, go fishing and just being able to enjoy them while they are growing. When I finally realized that these two were going to be it, my mind wanted to scream, I felt numb being told that I was going through the change, I felt like someone had taken the air out of my lungs. I asked my doc how does this happen? I'm young aren't I? This is something that we had talked about a year ago, and now it's caught up with me, and I don't know which was worse having a much needed surgery or having to be told that my body was going through premature menopause. It was like part of me just felt lost, not really sure if this was even happening. I wanted to be left alone, wanted nothing more than to come home and have the house to myself.

I remember coming home and telling Ch I'm fine, my iud is still in place and that my obgyn wants me to start watching my weight little bit closer, since I'm a little bit older. Nothing too serious, that every thing is good. I have to take a multi-vitamin make sure that I'm still eating healthy, which I do. Instead of five days a week she wants me to put in six days of workouts, which I do every other weekend. And to keep up the good work that I've been doing so far, nothing out of the unusual, has happened she did take a look at my breasts to make sure that they were doing good from the surgery that I recently had done. She was glad that every thing came out great that there were no complications. She did stress that I should be working out a little more, about 30 Min's longer than my normal routine. I may end up doing that this fall since it will be useless to try walking during a rain storm. Other wise I'm in pretty good health, part of me was dying inside as I was talking to Ch, we both knew that I was constantly getting sick. But that comes with having kids, if one of them gets sick well your next in line to catch whatever it is that they came home from school with.

So here I am finally letting every one know that I'm letting go of my silence, and that Premature Menopause is no walk in the park, because that's how I've gained weight and now I'm fighting to loose it. With the holidays slowly approaching believe me it's going to be hell for me, I'm not going to let this interfere with my baking. I'll just have to make sure I've got a lot of fruit on hand, lots of ovaltine mix for my milk, that way I won't be snacking on the cookie dough, or anything else for that matter. And watching how much food I put on my plate, doc's orders told me to be mindful and I shall.

My thoughts and prayers have always been very positive, no matter what I've been through and they will continue to do so.

Quietness

2007-10-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

It doesn't matter how many times I say I love you, it doesn't matter how many times my heart was broken by C's actions. The love of two parents is what we give each of our boys, since we had found out that C was going to S.F. for two weeks we had a hell of a time getting things ready for this short break. His clothes were packed on Sat. made sure C had everything yesterday today was difficult, a heart breaking task that needed to be done, there was no turning back once papers were signed there was no I can't do this, the strength that I carry I knew would not fail me. Yet deep down I want to scream, yell and say what did I do to deserve this!?! Where did we go wrong. I keep going over every thing from previous months to now; Knowing full well we have tried every thing from getting outside help to come in, more counseling appointments with the county and with Kaiser. Just when I thought that his tantrums were close to coming to an end there was finally a time for me to breath. C's behaviors seemed to get worse, it didn't matter how much of myself or Ch would give C it wasn't enough, he wanted more thrived on more, until we were both worn out. Today I cried I let myself shed tears that have been laid in dormant for too long, tears of every thing that I've been through with C, tears that seemed to shake me that I haven't felt since my own mother died four years ago. Having C not knowing how to react to my crying sitting there on the floor looking at shelves of toys. Sharing a history of pain, hurt, and answers that didn't make any sense. While I was sitting there with Ch and another counselor, it seems as though there have been so many of these in the last two years. And having to tell my story again wasn't easy, this time it took someone with compassion that understood where you were coming from. C kept pushing I and his dad out the door, he didn't want us to be there any longer, we left him there to finish his lunch. His helpers tried to explained to him that he wouldn't be seeing us for a while, that he would be all by himself. C was fine with that, we tried to make him understand that this was where he was going to be, he wasn't coming home with us. Not for a few days.

As we took our leave I prayed that C would be safe and the angles would look after him, he needs those badly and don't we all when times are tough. His counselor directed us to a restaurant that was across the street from the ocean, a very good place to eat if your ever in S.F., not far from the Golden Gate park, we walked around there for a little bit drove a few blocks up from there took some more pics and headed back down the coast. We stopped to take some more pics before heading to the air port to pick the in laws, they came home yesterday from their month long vacation. For me the ocean gives me a sense of renewing strength, it's beauty can over take any surfer if not careful; It was a blessing that it was warm in S.F. usually it's cold and foggy, today we had sunshine a little bite in the air which wasn't bad.

Our first night with out C was tough, out of habit I walked into his room realizing that he's not here. His room may not be neat and tidy, I turned on his light, I can still hear his whining his tempers not far behind. Instead it's quiet, a quiet that I haven't had in two years. Many times I've prayed for peace in my loving home, not like this not with C gone. For the longest time we needed to do something, anything to help him with his behaviors, and outbursts. And with that I pray that he gets the help he needs.

C did call not just once but three times today, once while I was at work, another while I in Sam's club to order a cake for J. The next was late this evening just about the time we were going to call him, he called us instead. C wanted to hang up before I and J had a chance to say goodnight and ask how he was doing, he told me he was scared, and sad. I told him to pray before he hung up. With this I pray that he continues to strive that C will get the help he needs, or at least let this be another step in the direction that will lead to more help for him.

Finally A Post!

2007-09-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

It's been two weeks since I've written anything, or read any one. I've been dealing with so much stuff at the moment, that I seem to have less time at the computer; My days are long my evenings are short 4:45 a.m. comes early and I'm hitting the snooze button not a good thing, it's causing a slight problem with C getting up between 6:50 and 7:30 a.m, and why do you ask? because I'm running late leaving the house. Still making it to work on time, but it's also causing me to run into traffic when I leave around 7:10a.m. So with this starting next week I don't care how tired I feel or how much I want to lay in bed I must get up. Other than being a little lazy in the mornings we are doing very well, C is enjoying his new school he is finally getting the hang of how they run things, he's not having any of the issues that made his teachers or staff running for the nearest door. C is coming along really well, still has a few kinks that need to be worked out. Other wise he's good.

J is doing well hasn't missed a day of school yet ( Knock on Wood) he wasn't feeling well allergies had gotten to him, not enough for him to stay home, called his dad to take him so head ache med so he stayed at school. I think he's making up for the times he missed school, I just don't know when he missed a day of school, he's back on the perfect attendance list again. He's learning that asking for help is better than disrupting the class, as found this week got a recess detention for doing just that, Ch got the call yesterday about it, his teacher forgot to call and let us know this so he served his detention yesterday on his birthday. Even though he's a good kid the teachers love him he'll get himself into a little hot water, not all the time just enough to let himself know it's not something to be proud of.

As for me I'm here survived another work which has finally picked, the tips haven't been all that great. A lot of it has to do with kids being back in school again, other wise I'm doing good been under a little more stress than the normal which has scared Ch a little, my blood pressure stays right around 128/78 lately it's risen just a tad bit over that; Not enough to send me to the doc's enough to let me know that I do need to take a much needed break, after seeing my tips not as good as they were over a month ago, I'm taking longer breaks after J and C goes to bed, I'll read for about an hour then I'll turn off the light and go to sleep. We are dog sitting for my in-laws Buddy's staying with us until Oct 1st then he will return back to them, our back yard it's something to be desired, let me just say it's going to need a lot of work sometime in the future.

I've taken a Friday evening when Ch was scanning pictures, and went into the bedroom, C was refusing to lay down and I had to walk out of his room, Ch ended up putting him to bed. I retreated to the bedroom and read, by the time Ch came to see how I was doing I had turned out the light and was dosing off. He said no ice cream? Or any time for us? Well you said to take a break so I did what you told me to do. The stress that I've been under was caused by C, his days at school were good for three days, then all of a sudden he just turned like he's done with other teachers. It was a tough week for all of us, so last Friday I had enough and took a time out for me, I even got a massage last Weds which was really good. She had me asleep on the table it's a tie between her and another Massage Therapist. I'm due for another, and a good adjustment.

It's the little things in life that I look forward to, we have to look for that silver lining no matter how bad we have it. J turned 13 yesterday wasn't happy about the dinner I had made, it seems there are dinners that kids won't touch, or they will just pick at it. At least he did eat it, with some complaints while I was cutting up potatoes and throwing in a few handful of carrots then I ended up over cooking my pot roast. It came out good just a little dry for my liking. It's part of wanting dinner done before 7:00 p.m. so I can make sure C is in bed by 9:00 p.m.

I think I've bored you all to death, I needed to update. There is something I'm not adding to this post. I wanted to leave it for another day, I'm not ready to reveal what it is, we are going out fishing tomorrow, the Salmon are running and we will be out with fishing pols and a lunch on the water rain or shine that's we're we will be. Our family matter will wait, spending time with the family is more important than what we are about to go through. Ch and I are doing very well, J is having a good year and C has his moments.

In the meantime be thankful for what you have, life can be tough. A parents love is all about tenderness, love and strength and if you had a rotten day and the kids are pushing your buttons you only get one chance to love them. On that note go do something fun what ever it may be, that's what we are doing tomorrow.

I'm Really Behind

2007-09-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

Okay so it's been a few weeks since my last post, our weekends have been packed with things to do, things to see and places to go. Work has been very slow and I mean slow so far I've gone through two books and I'm now on #3 I'll be through that one in about a week or so if not shorter time. C will be starting school next Monday and we cannot wait! Hopefully work will pick up by then so far it's been pretty boring.

And for the most part having an almost teenager, has been a royal pain in the ass! I tell you as much as I love J he can be a real BRAT! So far this school year is already driving me nuts, I told them that I wanted a medium P.E. shirt they give him an extra large I'm not a happy camper the damn out fit cost me $20.00 and I'm not thrilled he gets stuck with a shirt that's too big! How I hate teachers that don't pay attention, to the size kids need and not the size that they don't need. I swear I'm going to get into it with J's p.e. teacher!

So how's every one else doing, I'll get to yous that I love to read as soon as I figure out home work, house work and dinner.

Saddness And Memories

2007-08-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

This month I celebrated my 1 year annivesary at my job, I can't believe it's been a year already we opened up for business on Aug 11, o6. A year later I've seen a lot of changes, and encouragement that comes from being a Massage Therapist, and the heart aches that come with it. Today I received new of a client that worked as a prison guard. She was full of life and blessings, and if you needed to talk she would listen, today I had her co-worker that came in for a massage, she is 28 yrs old has two kids and was a massage therapist. Just out of luck I asked her if she knew a client of mine, she asked the name I told her, she said that she was sorry to inform me that she took her life about a month ago, I was stunned complete shock had raced through my body. I said are you sure? She was my client not long after we opened this place up; She was glad to have me back at work after I came back from medical leave, she missed me very much, and was pleased to know that every thing went well for me. She said that she was busy working o.t. at the local prison. She said that S.Y. was stealing o.t. from the prison she and her long time boyfriend split up about a week before she took her own life. The personel office was looking into why she was steeling o.t. from the prison and take off, while she was still clocked in, she explained to me that her father was still working for another correction facility, while all of this was taken place.

S.Y. was longer allowed to work in the prison area, but was busted down to doing the mail sort, she went on to explain to me that she was facing 5 yrs in the prison if they found her guilty of steeling.

I'm not sure what promt me of asking her how S. J. was doing, I just hadn't seen her in a long time, even though I had S. J's number I wasn't allowed to call her to see if she was okay, I could have taken the time to do it, I could have called her. With work place rules you are not allowed to contact any client outside of the business, because you would be terminated. I just didn't bring myself in calling her.

S. Y was someone with a spunky attituede a hair style that was off the wall, she told me she was blonde but dyed her hair jet black, made me laugh at times when I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. She understood what I was going through with C, and knew that it wasn't easy being a mom to a child with bi-polar, and having him with all the other disabilites that C has. She said hang in there, that everything was going to work out just fine.

It's been six months since I've been back to work, three months since S. Y. has came in for a massage. Today I found out why, she took her own life a co-worker went by her place to see why she hadn't showed up for work, he walked in found her dead on the floor of suicede is what he found her 38 yr old lifeless body a young woman who was following in her dad's footsteps. A woman that wanted nothing more than a weekly massage. A woman who I miss dearly; Even though she weighed more than I did, a little less than my late mom, she knew how to brighten up a room with her wild hair style. She was kind to every one, made you laugh in a moments notice, I was totally taken off guard a few times. S. Y. would say you know if it weren't for your good massages I don't think I could handle my work. I would say if you would take some time off you wouldn't have all these problems. Yea you got a point there but I knew she loved her job, but I don't think she really knew what was best for her.

Her parents came in last week and discontinued her membership, I don't think anyone realized who they were or who their daughter was, I did, and so did my other co-worker that handled her with care while I was out on leave.

This is dedicated to my client, my friend and a loving person who I will miss so much. Thank you for your kindness and love. S. Y. God Bless You!

2007-08-16T18:36:00.000-07:00

When the most important things
in our life happen we quite often
do not know, at the moment, what
is going on.
C.S.Lewis

When I saw this yesterday, I didn't realize what I was in for, or how such wise words were being said. Today we got some horrible news C's school is closing it's doors on Aug 24, 07 and will not reopen for the new school year, we are scrabbling to find C placement, the hard part is finding a school or a group home that will cater to his needs. We have made several phone calls that needed to be made, I called my in home helper to let her know what was going on. I called another I.E.P coordinator, just to confirm with her that the news she got today was true. I feel like I'm walking a nightmare or someone Else's dream, all of us are complete utter shock; We barely had an I.E.P meeting and having them aboard was going to be the turning point in C's behaviors, as well as getting him back into a regular functioning classroom. We are all wondering the same thing if they knew about this why didn't they come out and tell us at the meeting, when we had them on speaker phone? Didn't they understand this was one in five chances of getting somewhere with C? We are totally not letting any one off the hook just yet, Ch needs to make a phone call to the Mental Health Department, and let the social worker know what is going on and to be persist an about C being placed where he get the help he needs so he can come home.

We both feel he needs this, his tantrums are not as bad as they were a few months ago, but he still needs to learn how to function in a home that is loving, and caring. He has a hard time with this, there are times he does fine then there are days that he just can't handle the simplest task like cleaning his bedroom, or put away toys. Speaking of toys I worked really hard the weekend that I noticed my eye was acting funny, I cleaned out his bedroom took out all the broken storage containers and a broken toy box out of his room, boxed up all the toys in plastic storage Ben's in the garage. That way he wouldn't be overwhelmed with toys, C is much happier since we took out those items. But there is still no break for me, or Ch we are still not where we want to be, being parents to a high maintenance child on our hands; Is three times more work than a child with less problems, we take the good with the bad and we move on. We have to continuously praise him for the good things C does, to let him know he's doing a great job at whatever it is he has been doing.

As for today Ch, and C had a counselors appointment this morning. I couldn't attend due to me being sick last week and not enough notice, I totally forgot about so please don't hold this against me. While in the appointment C was not willing to be very good, threw some blocks at the social worker along with a crutch. And the reason why he's on crutches a neighborhood kid whose usually really good pushed him off the ladder of our pool, while Ch was watching from the bedroom window. So that's the reason for the crutches. Then he turned onto his dad and started hitting him, I'm not sure what she said to Ch and I haven't been able to talk with Ch because he had to leave early for work because of (his damn drug test again)! I heard this from my second in command I.E.P coordinator.

I told her I've been praying that someone, would see and feel what we go through. Kelly (not her real name) maybe this is what we need to get C out of our house, it's like part of our I.E.P team heard what we are saying, but the new comer wasn't hearing very well. Or she's just not sure what we are saying is true, after today's I'll show you what I do to my mom and dad, type of attitude I'm praying that this will be the door that we need to help us.

I think this sums up most of our two days, of set backs that we have had to face, this week. Tomorrow or Friday we will find out where C will be transported to another school in our area.

Aug 16, 07
As this was started on Monday 13, and today we did find another school that is willing to take C, he will have 5 other 1st graders in his class, we get to check out the school sometime in the next week. The person that called today asked if we wanted her to come out and meet us, to check out the school. We choose to check the school and see what it's going to be like.

In the meantime we are hanging there many prayers have been said between I and K she will be starting her school year next week, so will J. I do feel for K she will not be teaching C this year. I'm praying once we get C where he needs to be, hoping and praying K will be able to take him.

Pink Eye Pink Eye

2007-08-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

Please go away I'm missing work, and money to do things with. This is terrable not the best feeling either. I haven't missed a days work since, I got back from having my surgery done back in Jan. It all started last night I was out putting air in the ring of our pool because it has a slow leak, which I still cannot find, I've got most of them patched this one is a hard one to find. So last night before bed I took some hot med which I thought would cure what was ailing me, this morning I had no engery to do a work out or even going for a walk either. So I called my boss at 5:30 this morning, left a message, later she called me back she couldn't believe how bad I sound, sore throat, my eye is burning, just feeling awful. She said rest I'll let them know you will not be in. An hour or so later I called my doc's, which almost didn't happend because the advice nurse thought I didn't need to be seen and just have a phone consulation. I don't think so! I want to see my doctor please! Is it so hard just to come in and make sure it's not strep throat? So I got my appointment, saw a new doctor, because mine is out on leave for the next three weeks GRRR! The one I saw today was fine so it didn't bother me, who I saw as long as he/or she knows what they are doing. Sure enough he gave me a perscription for some onitment, told me to stay home for the next three days. Please tell me your joking right? He said no stay home until you are better or feel up to working. My work calls me I tell my co-worker, my eye is full of puss and it's burning. She said no worries we've been slow for the last three weeks, so why should this week be any different? You know there are times when things like this are ment for a reason, what that reason is I don't know.

So now I'm stuck in bed, with nothing to do. I'm not up for anything my eye is bothering to the point I want to scratch it, which won't help it. I've got a few good books to read which isn't all that bad. I love being busy like to work, I love my hours that I put in each day, and like any job I do have an annoying co-worker who can't stand the poeple that we work with. If you love what you do you should not be so negative about all the time. It doesn't help those who love their job, that makes them feel very insecure. In the mean time I'm going to rest up the best way I can and hopefully J and C will not bring any more kids over to play with; I'm really contagous this morning my eye is worst than it was yesterday.

Speaking of J and C, they are both not sick. C is enjoying his school as long as he goes to bed on time. J will be starting school on the 21st of this month, two weeks left then our house will be very still no one will be saying I'm board, or there is nothing to do. We are looking into getting J involed in 4h this year, I've already talked to his former teacher she said as soon as she gets back from vacation she will let me know when the first 4h meeting will be. He loves animals and this should be something that he may enjoy, a week from home isn't all that bad, okay so the laundry will be needing to be done. I'm willing to get him to do anything that requires him not watching t.v. or, getting himself into trouble with neighborhood kids who don't listen. In the meantime I'm not feeling all that well, and wanting to feel better go back to work so I can make some money.

I'm pretty much board out of my mind, I've never liked staying in bed. And this is one cold that I'll be glad to get rid of. My torso, legs and arms don't bother me it's my throat and and eye that have gotten the best of me. I think it's time to get my immune system back and go for a walk. Hopefully I can bring myself in writing something else.

I Have Nothing To Post

2007-08-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

This is one of our family cats, he's pretty much the one that didn't leave the house, he took a liking to C and well he just pretty much became one of the family. His name is Mooch C named him I had nothing to do with it.

This is Sagwa, she was a gift from Ch; And no I didn't name her either, another one that C had named. I couldn't come with anything, they both come in at night stay out most of the day unless it's raining or it's hot outside. Sagwa sleeps with C almost all night until my alarm goes off. She can be a mischevious cat when she wants to be. Yea I know I have nothing at the moment.

Happy HNT!!

2007-07-19T21:40:00.000-07:00

Before

After

I recently went back to see my plastic surgeon, he said every thing looks good there is still a mass in my left breast. We are going to leave it alone for the time being. We are not going in for another surgery, I have been massaging my breast which has helped. There is no need for surgery unless there is an absolute need for it, I'm very happy with the results, there is no scar tissue that is noticeable. He didn't want to go any smaller than a 36D because of my body size, at least they are smaller than what they were.

I Have Finally Found Me!!

2007-07-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

After two years of blood, sweat and tears. It's time for another change for this here blog. Even though we are dealing with a child who has so many issues. I'm pretty much given up on the Why am I writing this? Because some one close to me hurt me and I'm finding my way back to me again. I figure it's about time I change it; to me it feels like that happen four years ago, in reality it happened two years ago. How time does fly by when your having fun. We've had some bad days and more of the good days. Neither one of us posted about what was causing an upset in our home we, figured we would work it out by ourselves. And that is exactly what we have done, and no I'm not done blogging There is so many posts that I really want to do. Whether they are emotional or funny like the post that I just finished yesterday; I'm still not telling you what I've got. It's part of my joy that I received two weekends ago. For me this my way of saying Thank you Lord, for every thing you have given me.

Through all the think and thin, we have come along way. Even as we are dealing with a child who has bipolar which is a hard case, we are relearning how to help C, with every day tasks, for most if not all of us it's easy for him it's not so easy. We are having in home visits from a program called Advanced Kids, she comes twice a week to set up plans and shows us how to handle C, when he's in one of his crises. It may look easy, trying to use just enough pressure and waiting for C to calm down, that's the hard part of getting him to calm down. There are no pictures for this new learning intervention. It does work, we have placed rules and a different type of reward system in our little home. So far it's working, we are pretty much taking everything that we are learning in stride.

July 9, 07
In this part of my post I'm going to let you all in my work, most of you know that I'm a C.M.T. which is not an easy job, you are not allowed to get too close to your clients, and sometimes it can not be helped. Today was one that I will not forget, one of my clients cancelled her membership she is dying of cancer, I have worked with her since she first came to us back in late March, early April she looked good she explained to me that she was fighting for her life, cancer was not going to take it. Both her and her husband always gets massages at the same time but in different rooms today for the first time, in a month that I've seen them, Alissa (not her real name), looks so fragile the fight is gone, her lovely silver gray hair there was none. She wore a lovely flower head cover, as I was working on her I took notice of how her skin took in the lotion, how her right arm was so thin, her left arm was swollen here she lays on my table enjoying her massage. The hardest part was when I had to turn her over from her stomach to her back, it took both I and her husband's m.t. went to get another pillow for her head, she looked into my eyes and said she was taken off all chemo treatments the cancer has spread to the left side of her stomach and this was going to be her last and final massage. As hard as I tried to hold back those tears of sadness, there was no way of hiding them. As I held the door open for both of them, he said to me thank you, she really enjoyed you giving her those massages.

She had told me two months ago that every thing seemed to be fine. Her cancer was in remission, I asked her husband of 35 yrs, so is the cancer gone? He said we'll see she's a fighter loves to travel, was a Captain in the Air Force in her early years. Today she is wheel chaired bound, I knew that massage was what she needed; I've worked on so many that are up there in age not sure if they would return to me. Some who were much younger than she, some who fought breast cancer and won, with a price of loosing a breast. Yet here they were receiving a wonderful gift that is not cheap. She was my client, a person that took my work and made it special moments, she made me laugh during our first session, she also loved my work she never had anyone take the time in letting her steal a nap while she was being worked on. After her first massage with me she said that was a real good massage you had me sleeping, I hope that didn't bother you? I said no you didn't you must have needed that. We thanked each other, she held my hand and told me I had a wonderful gift of massage.

Many times through out these last few months, I've either came across the survivors that are left to sort out the houses or apartments that they had left behind. I asked a question such as how was your weekend? Not even a second thought I would have one say I lost someone over the weekend, once they tell me that what use to be a knot was no longer present. They would ask how did I do that? Take a personal issue and make it go away, just for that hour. I've learned from the beginning to be in tuned with your client make them feel, as if they are drifting off the table make this their time. And sometimes not really knowing if they will return after all they ask how long should I go without getting a massage? Depends on your body, and if you want to continue with knots in your shoulders, or have your back hurting months at a time. It depends on you, every two weeks is better than going without for two or three months at a time.

I had two of my collages tell me, they would have done the same thing break down and cry. You gave her what she needed most, a massage that helped her relax you gave a cancer patient something that no one else could do, to give her what she needed most a good relaxing massage. She rarely sees anyone else at the clinic that I work at, I think she's seen one other m.t. but she always requested me, to work on her. I will miss her spunk, the talks that we had, and the smiles that made me feel that it was okay to share.

And yes I have found me, she's a gifted massage therapist, a mother of two boys, a wife to an active lead worker for Cal-Trans, a sister of two siblings. And a friend for those who need some one to lean on. And a believer that all things are passable through Christ who saves us.

The Heart Beat of America is today's .........

2007-07-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

With that title in mind if you can't guess the new suv, that I got two weekends ago. You are so totally not getting what I got. Another hint it's an 05 atohe there you have it and yes I'm totally happy over this, my first new car! I've never had one, always wanted to know what it feels like to have bought something with very little miles on it. I mean we looked at several and this one had the least miles on it, shipped here out of Texas a client wanted to see it, turned around and left it on the lot. It's got a few scratches nothing too bad a dent in the front bumper. Other than that the body and interior is in great condition. I love it! Can't you tell! I'm so happy, and it's all mine! I've had so much fun showing it off, actually Ch's uncle and grandmother sat in it over the weekend, the complements on such a nice vrlocehet. (that's for those who can't get the title). Sorry no more hints.

The other thing that happened this past week that put Ch in a rough spot, C bit me on the thump I was trying to give him his med, while he was in a temper and he turned around and bit me so hard, he broke the skin. I had to receive a shot on Friday afternoon before going on our camping trip for the weekend. We even gave him his bike back since he was being really good, we thought he earned since he's been good. That was a mistake C took off from me again, while I was trying to eat dinner. J went after C, J called his dad from work if it weren't for his dad looking out his work window C would have been picked up by the police a second time. Not something either one of us would have wanted, it's been touch and go ever since. I called up Advanced Kids that we have set up for home visits she is going to give us a lot of stuff for us to use with C. We are praying this works, it had worked in school once so we are hoping for more positive behaviors rather than the negative behaviors. It's going to take a lot of work, from all of us we know he can do it, in order for it to work it's going to take a lot of help from everyone. I'm not willing to give up and neither is CH. We are going to help C as much as possible.

We also have found a new school for C, they provide the transportation, breakfast, lunch and snakes as the kids feel they need something to eat. They are going on their summer session starting on July 11Th, we are really excited for him in going they have lots of activities set up for the students, they even take the students to the beach, water slides, fishing and swimming. They also have school work they have to do. Not as intense as their fall session but enough for them to learn. C was really excited about going there. He wanted to know if he could start the following day? We told him that he won't be able to since this was their last week in school, he was fine with that. No complaints from me, they're staff is more trained in dealing with kids like C. Their goal is to get their students back into their home school, it's easier said than done, it will take some time on C's part since we've got lots of appointments, we are also looking into sending C to S.F. for a program that Kaiser has, we are not sure when this will take place.

Other than getting C the help that he needs, we are doing better. Today and tomorrow I'm off of work, took a much, much, needed vacation from all the hell I've been through. Ch is off too for the first time in months, we both have been working so much lately and with both boys being on summer vacation, well actually C will be starting school next week, we have this week to be with C. We even had our first visit to the doc's I've come down with a sinus infection my first this year, haven't been sick since my surgery, which is good. I'm a little tired not feeling all that great, which means no swimming until I'm over this, Which SUCKS! Because our weather has been so crazy, low 80's last week and this week we are in the hundreds a big jump from last week. Not really sure if this will last I haven't been able to keep an eye on the weather, two of my co-workers said they would cover my shifts that way I could spend some time with my family. Having these two days off I had plans of cleaning our bedroom doing the laundry, and mopping floors now that I'm not feeling all that great there goes my day. Rats!! I'm off to bed, I hope someone out there is having a blast while I'm feeling under the weather.

(Edit) Unscrable the words that fits this title. Sorry no help Ch hahah.

Checking In

2007-06-26T17:30:00.000-07:00
I'm really behind in posting lately, there has been some positive changes one will be the title of this blog Summer Rose will remain the same the caption at the bottom will no longer say Why am I writting this? Because someone close to me hurt me, and I'm finding my way back to being me all over again. I'm looking for a new one. There is so much I want to say about this, I've been so overwhelmed in my family life that I haven't been able to post. We are leaving for the family reuion on Friday afternoon, and returning some time on Sunday afternoon. In the mean time have a wonderfull and blessing of a week I'll post as soon as I can.

My Week

2007-06-17T18:42:00.000-07:00
If there is one thing that I've learned these two past weeks, is NEVER trust a woman! I'm sorry to say such words, but when your work is very dear and near to your heart, there some things that should stay out of the work place, such as having to hear your clinic supervisor is having an affair with one of your co-workers, no I'm not joking this truely happend, they both got fired a weekend ago. While I and Ch were at a graduation party, I got the call from one of my co-workers I was in the shower when she called she asked if I worked the night before? I said no I was out of town visiting family I said why? She told me that my supervisor and the Lead Massage Therapist was having an affair. I was in total shock! Here I thought I would be nice and let her know that God loves her and every thing with work, and family would be okay that she needs to continue to beleive that. I went as far as reading scriptures to her. I can't believe I trusted her, I thought she was better than my first clinic supervisor, then to find out that not only did she have an affair with a C.M.T, but she also had two other guys who were members to come to her house while her husband was away at work. Her hubby is in the military, and she has a son as well. Or should I say had a family, apparently she's done this before and she won a loss suit against the guy. Now she's done it again, this time my former co-worker is pressing charges against her, it's been a huge transition at work. We have refused to hire another Clinic Supervisor, until we are sure we are in need of one. Right now the responsabilites have landed on the shoulder's of the owner and one lead Therapist, and a receptionist, who has refused the position of clinic supervisor. They both love what they do they just don't want the responsibilites of clients that cancell their memberships and deal with advertising. Which I don't blame them, there is still a lot of pieces to pick up. We are slowly getting back on even keel.

I go into work on Monday the energy of my work was so awful, that I was feeling very dizzy. I couldn't come home they needed me there, it's one of those situations that just doesn't make any sence. To why she did such a stupid stunt like this? She was on several different kinds of meds, she was even taken Welbutrin and took herself off of it. I asked her if that was a good idea? My husband takes that, I was startled that she wouldn't see her doctor first, before she took herself off of it. She had every one fooled we thought she was a god send, aparently she didn't care who she hurt as long as she got whatever the hell she wanted. And yes she was a believer she claimed to have grown up in a Christian Private school one of her relatives is a preacher and she grew up in the bible belt. Either she had me fooled or she was really good at telling lies, and didn't care about anyone except for herself. She is gone and there is no turning back, she took my friendship and ruined it! And I can't believe I was so nice to her. It goes to show that making friends at work is just not a good thing. You would think that I would learn my lesson from working at different places, and yet I let the nice one's hurt me again! I'm okay I just feel hurt and confused as to what caused her to do such a rotten thing. Will I ever trust a woman figure again? I'm not sure I work with more gals than I do with guys, and sometimes males can be down right mean too.

We recently had a gossuping male therapist working for us, he was not some one I trust what so ever and yet my boss has put him on call. We are not working on the same nights I refuse to work with some one that doesn't know how to keep his thoughts and nose out of peoples conversations. You think that this stuff would actually end after high school, it goes to show that there are still people out there that don't care about another humans feelings. It's strange how my work place's energy changed after this weeks events, it's more peaceful, has more of a positive out look than it has since it's been open almost a year ago this coming August. We are a family of healers that just want the clients be at peace with themselves. It won't happen if there is so much negative thoughts and power, it makes work unpleasent.

On Thurs, June 14th my ex clinic supervisor was arrested for making a faulse police report. Right in front of her son and husband, who showed no emotions on what was happening, we are refusing to hire any new clinic supervisors at the moment we are putting one of my massage therapist in charge of the us, while one receptionist that has been with us for several months will be in charge of the receptionist. For the time being until we can figure out what to do next, there is no rush in getting someone new to take over the duties of getting things we need. The owner and her husband are taking care of us. Which feels better than having someone that just pulled every one against each other. We are making progress it's slow right now at least it hasn't stopped us from not being busy day after day.

In the meantime this post is very late getting published, it's hard when I don't know from day to day what C is going to pull. There is still five posts on how my feelings are, I'm sure I'll get the time to write them out, as soon as I can.
J just finished his school year out on Friday we check out a school for C on Wed. to see if this will be a good placememnt we are also waiting for a bed to open up at a hosipital in S.F. I'll post more on this soon.

Where Have I Been?

2007-05-30T18:50:00.000-07:00
To answer this question, I've had two busy weekends. Last weekend I went to my second Women's Retreat up in Sonora, the weather was wonderful, the speaker was awesome. There was ten of us from one church, that enjoyed ourselves so much, I even went into the town of Sonora and picked up a new bathing suit. I had saved up all of my tip money about two weeks worth, and took it with me. Before I could really enjoy my weekend of no boys, including Ch. I might as well back up an hour before I could leave for my weekend.

As many of you know Ch has been seeing his counselor for over a year, and since it was a Friday, C has been sent home from school early all week. And since it was payday shopping, and I wasn't about to stay home and wait for the school to call us while we were out of town. So we went ahead and took C with us, he was really good at the two stores we went to, afterwards we went to Ch's doctors appointment. While Ch was in his appointment, I took C back and forth from the truck to doc's building. About 30 minutes into waiting around for Ch, C went into one of his temper tantrums, and this time someone from the counselors station got to see what we go through every day. I couldn't believe my answer to prayers! Finally someone from Kaiser got to see it, to see my son in action. And before I could even fill out the paper work I was hit on the wrist by C, let me just say for a 6 yr old he's got one powerful hit. A counselor came around the Conor to see where I was at, I said I was by the elevator. She couldn't believe her eyes, we talked while watching to see what C would do. He would run back and fourth in the hall way of Kaiser, she observed my son. Asked me a bunch of questions. It didn't take her long to realized we had talked on the phone trying to get help and answers to questions that none of the doctors at the other Kaiser could tell us.

She looked down at the book I was caring, with a child like C she said wow! You are also reading the book called The Secret. I said well it's one that I picked up and put down Ch bought it for me. She couldn't believe she asked me how long has C been like this? I explained to her it's been over a year, no one can give us a good answer to what is going on with C. The second time C came towards us he hit me right on my back side. Talk about a red mark where it doesn't belong, she was as shocked as I was. That's just part of his behavior that I go through, we finally got C to come with us. She took us to her office which had shelves with toys and a basket of toys that he played with, while we talked. I explained to her that Ch was with his doctor at the moment and that he's been having personal issues of his own that he's been dealing with. By that time Ch called me asked where we were at, I said across the hall from his doc's office. I said that I was with someone that actually saw what we have been going through.

The three of us ended up back into the waiting room of kaiser; I called my bible study teacher V told her that I would be driving myself again. I explained to her that we were at Kaiser C went into one of his tantrums, and I would see them when I got there. She reminded me that she loves me, that god loves me and is looking out for us. She would be praying for us. It didn't take long for a few doctors to come out and talk to us. They took us all into a conference room to talk to us and to get us contacted with the right person's that deal with children like C. By the time we got home, it was already 3:30 and I still needed to pack a few things. After my truck was loaded and every thing put inside I looked at the time and almost didn't want to go. It was already late, we spent over an hour at Kaiser I was getting irritated I wanted to just come home, leave for my retreat and not deal with any one. Because one will or can give us any answers. Well needless to say, they all agreed that there is something else going on with C, of course they asked me if I was seeing a counselor? I said no, my outlets is my work, my bible study, that I no longer attend since Ch is working nights. I have no one to watch my boys, I'm planning on going to a retreat leaving at 3:30 this afternoon.

I didn't get on the road until 4:00 p.m. Friday afternoon, and got lost getting up there. I have no idea how I did that one, I did make it in the dark. Pulled in at desert time. I was so close in turning around and coming home, that's how I bad and rotten I was feeling. After finding my way to my place where the retreat was, I was just happy to be with my church family. I explained to them what had happened and that it was a prayer that had finally been answered someone actually saw what we have been going through. Most of my group either went to bed early, or stayed up until 12: a.m. playing domino's. I took myself to bed after I gave every one a should massage. That was my Friday.

After a good nights sleep and getting up early, usually I'm still sleeping until 8:30 a.m. since I was away and wanting to enjoy the peacefulness of being away from home. The second part of the retreat, most of my group signed up for different activities I hung out at the pool most of the afternoon. Tried my hand at the rock climbing wall they have there, I didn't make it to the top like I did last year. I did enjoy myself. The speaker that was there this year was the singer from last year's retreat, she lost a child about a month after he was born. She shared her story on how she and her husband over came this tragedy. They have two children, one has ADHD, went through some of the behaviors of what we were going through. The only difference is that they sent their daughter away to a teen rehabilitation camp out of state. We cannot do that she explained to me, that they sent their daughter away for quite some time. Afterwards they had to relearn, rethink and help their daughter through tough times.

Even though we may have good times and bad times, and want to pull our hair out. We must remember that Patience, prayers and faith will get us through those tough times. All of us are on a road to recovery, C is very smart and just needs a good school that will accept him. Just like the speaker that I talked to, her daughter is very smart and doesn't forget anything either. It takes parents like us to let our kids know we love them no matter how bad they get. I'm so blessed to have many friends to stand by us and pray for us, if we need a shoulder to lean on they are there to guide us love us and encourage us.

My retreat was every thing that I needed, I'm so glad that I had the chance to get away and recharge my batteries. Thank you my dear hubby I'm glad that you sent me away again, I'm hoping to go again next year. The weather was as awesome as the retreat. Last year at this time we were cold rainy, this year we were in the eighties, we all had a good time.

I'm hoping to get in some writing, as soon as I can. There is so much I want to write about it's finding the time to do so. I know good things come to those who wait. And waiting is what every one is going to have to do.

Running Out Of Time

2007-05-16T23:55:00.000-07:00
As ch has written we are running out of time, C has become more than just a hand full he has become a holy terror on two legs. Yes I have to say C has given me my share of bruises, just about kicked out the sliding glass window, actually he went as far as kicking out the bottom of our security screen door, while Ch was at work. Ch came by to see how things were going; To say the least he wasn't thrilled to find our new screen door busted up. This just the topper of what we are going through with C. He went as far as throwing a pair of scissors at school yesterday, I got the message on my cell letting me know that C will be coming home from school early. I called Ch letting him know what had happened, he tells there was no calls from the school. I get home and looked at the answering machine which is blinking, oh really C didn't get sent home from school early. Here's the message I played it, he didn't realize that C was sent home early. I wanted to yell but what good would that do? Nothing absolutely nothing! Anything that I do isn't good enough for this child, if J doesn't get his way or isn't paying attention to what I expect for him to do, then C goes into a tail spin. So yes I do have my hands full, while one child is running from me telling me he hates me, drops the Fbomb more than once, can't punish him which does nothing but gets us both upset. Has called me bitch don't ask me where he got that word from, it wasn't from me. As mad as C makes me I can't use foul words he will repeat them, bed time has become a major pain in the ass! There is no peace unless both boys are in bed. The only thing that seems to be working is turning off all the lights, playing a relaxing CD, and reading him a bed time story.

By the time I just about get settled into my reading, and relaxing is an hour before Ch walks through the door from work, I'm up about 5 a.m. due to change of hours at work go in early get off early, that way I can start on the house work or if there is laundry that needs to be done then I have time to get it started. This way I'm not rushing around trying to get a list of things that need to be done before dinner and after dinner. Bath time has become a real hard one, usually C will not fight me on this but lately it's been NO I don't want to, I don't have to! You can't make me. Oh really well guess what child your wrong, and I'm right.

We are so desperate for answers that it's not even funny, there is no even keel with C. He is either happy for about an hour, and all of a sudden it's like a switch that goes off and he's running all over the place, hitting, screaming, and I'm in total shock what the hell just happened. J and I didn't do anything, and this all takes place while I'm trying to cook dinner, and trying to figure out how long it's going to take, and what chores of mine needs to be done. I'm basically crying on the inside Lord please some one find an answer for this child of ours, there is barley enough hours in the day for any of us. It's becoming so overwhelming that I'm just so tired at night, that I'm not even sure if I'm getting enough sleep.

There is no doubt in my mind that C does need out side help. He is getting too strong too over baring for me to handle. We have reached a crises point with C, either Kaiser needs to step up to the plate and give us a place where C can go for help. Basically he cannot stay here any more. After the bruises he's given me and not to mention the one he gave J by throwing a shoe at him, which he showed me tonight, how the hell did that happen where the hell was I? Either in the bathroom or out doing laundry. I can't be in two places at once, C is going to wind up hurting himself real bad. My main concern is my safety, his brother's safety and that of a sliding glass window which is about ready to fall out. C has no control over any thing he says or does. One minute he can be down right loving, hugging, gives kisses and all of a sudden for no apparent reason, he just blows his top. And that's when the hitting, pinching, biting and I hate yous start up.

I can't believe I just wrote such an awful post, this has been on my mind for quite some time. I'm not sure how long it will be up or if I'm going to post this at all. I feel like a mom that doesn't care any more, which is not true. I'm just so exhausted with the out bursts and the hurtfulness that I'm getting from C, I love both of my boys very much. How much is too much? And when is it okay to say I've had enough? I'm dying inside my heart eachs for peace and love that I know is in C we just need to figure out how to tap into it, get him to be more loving than having him fight the way he does.

Faith And Hope

2007-05-15T18:25:00.000-07:00
I can actually say that my faith and my hope, are the two most powerful aspects that get me through my toughest moments. This past weekend was Mother's Day, which was very nice. I had a lot of calls my brother from Utah called me, and wished me a Happy Mother's day, he even informed me that our dad and my step mom, are planning to move back to Mexico in a few years. A shock to all of us, my brother is not happy. We are both feeling very overwhelmed, we have a few years before they move. I haven't seen my dad since last summer, and the rest of the family a few years ago. It doesn't seem fair, we're all feeling a little bit sad. Faith brought us together, and hope brought us memories to last a life time. As always our phone conversations went from talking about jobs, our kids, and to what we will be doing for this special day. I even got to talk to my sister-in-law, she is doing fine. My two nephews and niece are doing good, growing the oldest is in Cub Scouts the other two are still a little young to join.

My Brother that I'm really close to also called me, he is doing fine. Except for the homesickness that he is feeling at the moment. He lost 20 pounds, from working and eating healthy. He has been warned not to lose any more, He is 6'1 while I'm 5'6 1/2 and thin. We talked about how much we miss our mom, and if she was here what she would be doing for Mother's Day. And how many times she would tell to stop running in the house! It's not been easy we keep wondering if there was something different we could have done. Only if she would have watched what she ate, and wondered if there was some way of getting her high blood pressure under control. Alas there was nothing that could be done. Her time was up and the Lord needed another angel.

My Boy's took me out to breakfast which was really good, we had a good time with CH's parents, I and my mom-in-law had chocolate covered strawberries they were soooooo goooood. After a wonderful breakfast we came home did some much needed work around the house, which is never ending. I vacuumed my suv all the carpets are cleaned the outside has been washed and my windshield is much better to see out of.
And yes we did go fishing last Friday it was a lot of fun, and yes I did help catch two cat fish on Ch's new fishing pole and reel. I do have to say it was so much fun, catching and releasing fish is the fun part.

As for things with C, they are the same; No change in his temperaments, C has also been kicked out of his after school program for the rest of the year. C is not allowed back until the next school year. So in the meantime I have changed my hours at work, CH has to be up with both boy's while I'm walking out the door at 7:00 a.m. and coming home an hour earlier, with school ending it's better that I start earlier and getting off early too. That way we don't have to worry about a babysitter during the summer or when school starts back up in late August. And now I can actually can come home and do my house work that seems to wait until the weekends, then again that doesn't last very long, since we've seemed to have found something to do as a family such as night fishing or going away for the day.

My evenings are sometimes filled with temper tantrums that are non-stop. Or trying to get two boys into bed by 9:00 p.m. then finding that I'm very exhausted from the days work and the drive home that I'm wanting to fall asleep the minute I get home. I know the cause of this, I've forgotten to take my multi-vitamins that I'm suppose to take. Which lately I haven't been doing that.

J is doing good in school, he recently got a C+ on his science fair project. Which is a pretty good grade. No complaints from me or his dad, he is giving it his best shot, now if he would only remember to give important information that way I know exactly what is going on at school. He didn't tell me that picture day was the week after Spring break I walked into the office last Friday to let them know that he had a Chiropractor's appointment and that they recently had picture day. Now I have to wait until next spring to get his done. Since kids do tend to grow more during the fall and late spring it's better to get them done right before school lets out.

Since we couldn't have ch home for dinner, we took him dinner on Mother's Day evening of course J and C thought it would be fun to try to keep an Alligator lizard as a pet which is now running loose in the garage, I'm hoping one of the cat's will take care of it. I can't believe the two of them thought is fun to let such a icky critter run around in the garage. I'm hoping it doesn't show up while I'm doing the laundry or cooking dinner. And if the darn thing dies in my laundry someone will be doing the laundry and it won't be me! I think it's time to teach J how to do the laundry *evil grin*.

It's about time to get dinner on the table and maybe, just maybe a relaxing evening before I go to bed. We'll have to see, every time I try to do that my boys seem to think it's their time to be up. Mom is in need of recharging her batteries.
That's all for now I'll try to keep you all updated, when I get a moment of quietness.

Last but not least, I would like to say farewell to a wonderful blogger who has been around longer than I have. May Artful Dodger and Lady L, have a blessed life together. May their families be stronger than ever, they both are very caring people. So Here's to Artful Doger God Bless you and Farewell. You will be truly missed.

2007-05-07T21:51:00.001-07:00
Things are not still not the best, life has yet thrown another punch. I can't even concentrate on any of my devotions I've got J and C wanting to play around until after 8 p.m. and now I have to get up thirty minutes earlier than normal because C has been kicked out of his afterschool program this week. Not to mention he's just about being kicked out of his second school, so now were do we go from here? I'm loosing an up hill battle, I'm being tossed by the sea. With no shore in sight, so much darkness that is surrounding every little place that I look that my emotions are taking over. I have no time to cry, I have no time to read, I have no time to fold five loads of laundry. And now this!! Please Lord no more! I can't even think at the moment. Right now I'm feeling very overwhelmed. Now not only do I have C up now I've got J up too. I'm going now I'll write when I can.
Love
Summer

Very Tired

2007-05-02T23:10:00.000-07:00
Yes it's true I'm very tired, after the two days of a nightmare that I would never would expect C to even think of doing and saying; It's just amazing that I even made it home from work on Monday afternoon. We've seen C at his worse, nothing like this, I don't think that any one is ever prepared for this kind of behavior. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling at the moment, it's a lot of numbness that I'm feeling or whether it's I'm just very tired from the last two days. It's one thing of not getting answers and another of having us being told that were at fault and that we are the one's who are putting these kinds of thoughts into our son's head. Which in turn we did file a formal complaint this morning, and my call to the number that is located on the back of the card, is when they did call us back. Ch was on the phone with Kaiser when I arrived home. I was told by my supervisor that I was to turn around, and go home we weren't busy enough and that today would be fine. She told she is expecting me to be there at work; I have at least three clients tomorrow morning.

I explained to her that I can't afford to lose my job, Angela (Not her real name)...said that wouldn't happen she promise me this right then and there, I can't believe my supervisor would go to such lengths as to say that my job will be there tomorrow, that my family is to come first. This is what I call a blessing to have a caring person to work and stand beside their employee's. I made a call to C's regular doctor this morning Ch was not too thrilled he thought I was changing doctors on C. I said No I'm not, I've worked too hard too long to find the right doctor that will actually listen to what I have to say. And if I have any questions that he would not walk out of the room with out giving me an answer. C loves his doctor, I can't change him now. And have to go through the process of finding a doc. like this one. I don't think so! I'm staying in the East bay for J and C's medical care. The rest I'll move my child from.

And so today we did just that, C has an appointment not too far from where I work. C will be out of school until we see this new counselor starting tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. The end results of the doctors appointment this evening was, getting C's blood tested a third time, poor child Ch was the bad guy, I was the good guy took C out to dinner. The doctor is looking for a chromosome called fragile X, it's something to do with the size of the child's head. And usually children with this has a more of a long face to them, in C's case his head is not. The doc also sent another referral to the Autism center near San Jose, and see if they can give us a second oppion the first one doesn't make any sense at all.

We have to wait a week for the blood test to come back, I even went as far asking about a brain scan doc said that wouldn't really give us any clear cut answers because C is still growing and it wouldn't give us any answers to what the problem is. I did the right thing took C back to his pediatrician to have him look at C a little more closely, and he even agrees with us, that the Mental Health Center is wrong. That we have been looking for the right answer since C was 4 yrs old. And he is now 6 yrs old, he is getting stronger every day and has one powerful kick to him. My bruises have healed, C's temperament is at a crises stage, and finding what is making him tick is what we are looking for.

I want to thank each and every one of you, for your prayers well wishes and continued support for us. I would write more I'm very exhausted, I've made two calls tonight, we are very blessed to have meet the right people, from the church that I attend. Without their support in the last two days I don't think I would be able to get through today. We still have a long way to go, and our prayer is that the tests come back with something to go on, that the new counselor will be able to help us. In getting down to what is making C tick.

Until next time Good Night.

100 Posts!

2007-04-30T23:08:00.000-07:00
Wow now that's what I call, a lot of writing! Actually I could've hit my 100Th during lent, since I needed time to regain control, over my spiritual life. I'm a much happier person. Things at work are going well, I'm no longer wanting to quit, which is a good thing, now if only the receptionist would take a second to see what modalities I'm aloud to do it would make my life so much easier. Life goes on, I can't complain, as long as there is someone who does a better job at Deep Tissue I can, then I won't have any problems.

As for last night, it was a little crazy Ch called me and said J's glasses are in and if I didn't mind if he went and bought a new camera, that's fine we do need a new one the one that we had, it's been through the ringer. It's the one that has seen it's shares of hunting, fishing, family gatherings and birthdays since it was given to us as an early Christmas gift one year from mom and dad in-laws. We've put it to good use. It finally gave out about a week ago or so, didn't want to focus any more, didn't want to take any more pictures and the batteries kept dying in it. Yesterday we needed a camera, the same time J's new glasses were in so Ch called me and asked if it was okay for him to buy a camera with out me. I said sure you know what you are looking for I don't, as long as it's user friendly. Camera's and me don't get a long very well, when you have so many things to do and don't have the Patience to learn then it gets complicated.

Ch brought home the camera realized that it had the wrong battery, and cord he had to make another trip back over the bridge another $4.00 toll, they gave him one that would charge in the truck and would be ready for this evening. While he was dealing with a camera issues, I stayed at home and made dinner which turned out pretty good with a little helping hand from my mom in law. So what was I making that needed a little help with? Homemade Lasagna! We make this once in a while, it's not every often that we get to have this kind of dinner. We were suppose to have both parents over and his grandmother, Dad in law came down with a bad cold so mom in law and grandma, and the four us were the only one's here for dinner.

After dinner came the fun part, opening the presents! That my loving, caring family got me. Two out of five presents I knew about, my mom in law let it slip she got me the necklace and matching earrings for my birthday, she even threw in her Satin Hands set from Mary Kay. That stuff really works! Better than the store bought stuff. As always $20.00 from grandma, I told her that I would buy a smoothie maker, since I love fresh smoothies. A set of lounge pants and lounge tank tops from J and C. A pink Oakland A's jersey, it's so cool! A Keith Urban CD, my last but not least. Oh this one I can take to work when I have nothing to do, a Nintendo DS, in pink! And a game called nintendogs. You get to buy the type of dog you want, buy it's food and water, play with it pick up it's droppings, and the best part about the game it doesn't bother my allergies! I know I'm being such a youngster, since I've got two of them if you can't beat them, might as well join them! They both have Advanced Gameboys. They both wanted me to let them try it, dad told them it was mine and to leave me alone, and let me play with it. Oh and I almost forgot CH came home with 2 dozen orange pink roses. They were so pretty, I think I have a pic. Unless it was one of those sure I'll take the pic when I have time.

Even though we had camera issues it was a good birthday, the best part about the camera is that it's user friendly I took some pictures with it yesterday. One of the cutest pic of my cat in an empty birthday bag. She loves those, I'll have to post it from the family computer. I'll save it for another time.

Edit: This post is 8 days late, we're dealing with a lot of difficulties right now. As always keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Tonight was the first time in over a month that I attended a bible study class and got the new book. I'm looking forward on how this book turns out. The only thing I forgot to ask my bible study teacher was her email addy that way I can keep up with every one else.

Thank you to all of you that have given us well wishes before, and who have stayed with us through thick and thin. May we all continue to strive, in the right direction.

Love
Summer Rose

Happy 32nd Birthday!!

2007-04-16T20:10:00.000-07:00
Yes is true I turned 32 today, and it was an okay day. Lots of calls since yesterday, my dad, my brother, today my sister called left me a message which I got after work. It was a long day one mistake was made by one of the receptionist, they weren't watching what they are doing, booked me a massage then forgot to put in that it was a chair massage. It's one thing to book the appointment then another to forget the important information, of what kind of massage the cleint is need of. In this case it was a 30 min chair massage. I've done table massages for this long, but since it wasn't put in the computer right, I was late getting to the client. Of course I gave the client the right amount of time and giving her a little extra few minutes on her back and neck.

You take the good with the bad, and try to make sure mistakes like this doesn't happen again. To me it's just part of the job, making sure the clients needs are taken care of. And if they are a little sad or feeling the need to cry I let them, or just listening to why there is so much stres in one part of the back, it's part of the healing process that each client is going through. Usually it's pain managment that they are coming in for, or just needing a good relaxing massage. Which is fine with me. That way I don't have to worry about the inflamation in my left wrist. It's a little swollen this evening, after J and C goes to bed I'll be putting ice on my wrist for a little while.

My tips run about $10.00 to $30.00 per week, one of my clients brand new. She gave me a check for $50.00 I couldn't believe it! She was so in love with my work, that she's coming back. Along with her husband, each client always ask how long have you been massaging? I tell them 2 yrs. One of my all time favorite questions is how old are you? I'm 32 today. She looks at me and says no way! I don't know why, but I just get a kick out of these questions. Another topper is how long have you been working here? 6 months, wow that's a long time, of course I don't tell them that I've wanted to quit a few times. For some reason I've stuck it out, :) I think it's the change in supervisors, only if they could stop hiring so many darn massage therapist. I think the one's that have been there the longest, should be able to handle the work instead of hiring new ones. We've already told them don't hire any more for the mornings, because I'm not about to lose any more hours of work because someone didn't bother calling me and asking if I wanted more hours of work. Instead they hired three new one's in my absence. To me it's just the way I look at things, through the eyes of those who are in need of healing in any way they can get it.

When I turned my calendar over todays date, I found this quote that has stuck with me since high school. One that has actually brought me full circle on my road of hard knocks.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

You have made known to me
The path of life.
Psalms 16:11 NIV

2007-04-14T23:30:00.000-07:00
There is something that has been bothering me lately. I feel that I need to get it out into the open. Bare with me, as I tell you all that I'm not feeling very sexy at the moment. It seems that I've gained 10 pounds since my last visit to my obgyn, I missed my pap back in November and finally got in there a few weeks ago. As many women know you have to get weighed to my supprise, thinking that I've lost some weight since my last doctors visit which I didn't I've actaully gained 10 freaken pounds! Instead of weighing 170 I'm now weighing in at 181 pounds just great! So guess what, I had to buy a whole new set of clothes to wear this summer. I went from a cute size 12-14 average to a whopping size 16 just great! Which meant everything that I bought last year and the year before had to go into the giveaway bag. I did cry because it hurts badly. And even now I want to shed a few tears, everything that was ever bought for me had to go. There is only two skirts and two shirts that actually fit one of them my mom bought for me before she passed away another set was bought as a gift to wear to my class reunion.

Don't even get me started on some of my sexy outfits, they are gone too. And I'm not replacing them! If I don't have the body for them why waiste good hard earn cash on something that will not look good! Even though I still work out 5 days a week bought two new work outs, different kind of weights. And I'm still weighing in at 181 pounds. My bloodpressure is right were it should be, I didn't even right it down. But it's right were it should be. I'm not eating anything that isn't healthy yet I've gained weight! The only place that I've actually lost weght is in my boobs, I don't feel top heavy but I feel bottom heavy if that even makes sence to any one.

On top of my weight gain I'm also going through pre-menopause too, not a good thing either so now I've got to watch how much milk I drink how much I'm actually eating, and find a way to try soy milk. Any ideas? I'm just running into all kinds of fun, and some how I'm still trying to stay positive without, going into a pity me. I'm really close of taking my belly ring out and not even bothering to put it back in again. That's how much I've gained, it's not that it bothers CH but it bothers me a lot, I'm trying my best not to go out and spend a ton of money on clothes for myself, but to put the money toward buying clothes for J and C.

They need clothes more than I do, then turn around find out that you have gained more than you should have. It's not even funny, and I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how the hell did this happen? Oh that's right I had surgery I'm now going through the change that should happen to older women!! And I'm so close to hitting that 200 pound mark!! My mom died because she didn't take of herself she died because she weighed 290 pounds with high blood pressure! I'm not nor do I want to hit that mark because it scares the living daylights out of me! I've always been thin and now with these changes, I'm litterly toturing myself of staying thin. Not hollywood thin but at least not going out and buy new clothes every freaken year!

And knowing what the bible says, be still for I'm with you. Give me all your troubles. And yet I'm finding myself trapped, between faith and weight that it's not even funny. I'm barly snacking, two days last week I had to skip lunch due to clients needs, I come home and make dinner and it's not even fast food. Everything that I make for dinner is bar-b-qued or on the Forman grill, or the slow cooker. Yet I'm still working out, sometimes thirty mins before I start my bible study, yet I'm still getting up at 5:30 a.m. and doing my workouts. Walking to pick up C from his after school program. The only thing I haven't gotten into yet is running, and as soon as the rest of my swelling goes down, I'm buying myself three sports bras and going try run again. I know this isn't exactly a post that I would normaly would write about, but it's one that I felt the need get it off of my chest and off of my mind. I will leave you with this:

Calm me, O Lord as you stilled
the storm,
Still me, O Lord, keep me from harm.
Let all the tumult within me cease,
Enfold me, Lord, in your peace.
Celtic Traditional

My Slow Return

2007-04-08T23:07:00.001-07:00
In my last post which was written, back in Feb. I can't believe I actually stuck it out that long. Wow! it was a well deserve break and one that really needed my attention. And I will reveal why I took such a long break, most of you know that I've always attended church and for those who are new to reading me, just bare with me. And that I also attend a bible study class which I had to give up due to CH's working swing shift. I see them when I go to church, if I'm not up too late the night before. I've missed two Sunday's in a row, I do make it up in the evenings. I have pulled out my bible study lessons and work on them for about an hour. Which has given me so much peace and a positive out look. Of course there are days when I feel as if I'm taking one step forward, and three steps back. I get through those hard times with a shot of positive reading, and a reminder that is sitting on my desk.

As the days went by, I knew I was doing this for a good cause. This is harder than I thought, I will try my best to keep this short as possible. I've been working on a bible study called Surrender. We have been working on this book for about four months we should be finishing it up pretty soon. I'm one chapter behind, and I will finish this book before the next new bible study arrives. Even though I cannot attend it's good to have fresh stuff to read. One of the things that caught my attention in this book was if you could give something up what would it be, and for how long would you be able to do it for? It's part of making your faith stronger, it's been one mind thinking, looking at yourself differently and realizing that all is not lost without Christ. It hit me just at a time that I needed it most, and with Easter just around the corner, I thought I would try this and see if I could actually last until after Easter.

It wasn't easy I almost lost it, I didn't think I could actually stay away from writing anything here. I did keep a journal with one months of writing, there is a few things that I will bring out of there and put here. Just to give you an idea how things have been with me and our two boys. I almost came back to writing last Thursday just before Easter and I was stopped dead, no it's not time you made a promise and I had to keep it. So I deleted my title and my one sentence that I had written, continued my bible studies. I'm doing two at a time, one for Monday nights and a devotion. Which takes about one hour to do when I have a good night with J and C. If they aren't fighting or taking too long in getting chores done, by the time I get one done it's already 11:00 p.m. and I'm ready for bed, to be up at 5:30 in the morning. I don't have that much time in the morning trying to get both boys ready and I have to be at work by 9:00 a.m. even though my days are long, it's good to be able to get some down time in.

And yes this will be a slow return, my posts will continue to be a few weeks apart. I'm going to try to keep up with bible studies, of course my boys and whatever else is thrown my way. Hopefully not too much at one time, this is my first post back so we'll see how this pans out.

A Happy Belated Easter to all of you. And may your week be a good one, and once again it's cold out here!

Feeling A Little Blue

2007-02-27T11:40:00.001-08:00
Even though we had a good weekend, I'm feeling a little down not too much. Just enough to let myself know, I could be feeling a change of sorts. Not sure in what direction it's coming from or how it will effect me in a way of work, we did pray on it last night. On the other hand it could be nothing at all and I'm just being a worrier over nothing. I know writing and talking about it will help, I'm not even sure if I'm ready for another step in the wrong direction, or it could be in the right direction and the good Lord is waiting for the right door, and the timing to be right for me to head in a good direction. Whatever the reason for me feeling this way. Has caused me to take a little break rethink, to refocus on what is important to me. What I'm feeling is very over powering; And the more that I set it on the back burner the more it's pressing me. And this time I cannot let it go, I've been fighting the urge of taking a much needed break; Not in a way that I will leave and not return, but one that will recharge my batteries.

This is my place of putting whatever is on my mind out there, and sometimes I cannot share what I'm feeling because, I'm little nervous on how people react. Some of my writings were a little off the wall, some of them showed a very sexy side of me. I'm glad to have this blog, it's helped in many ways but there is one thing it cannot help me with, and that is the blessings from above. Yet his word is what I've been avoiding lately, for me it's not been very good. I've felt his voice to study his word a little more and hopefully I can be able to recharge, and be able to come back.

Being out of work has not helped much either, I did get my sutures taken out. All of my stitches are the dissolving kind which is a good thing. I'm still swollen, and was told to take easy. That's the other part that is killing my spirit, is not being able to help financially at the moment. I know this will not last long I have about six weeks left and I should be good to go.

In the meantime keep me in your thoughts and prayers, I know this won't last long. And may I find peace and when I'm ready to write out what made feel blue I will let you all know. It's going to take some time on my part to really sort everything out, I do keep a journal, I will most likely pick it up again, and if I feel the need to share, then I will.

May every one's week be full of blessings, love and laughter. I'm off to do some reading and hopefully that will, give myself a much needed lift in my spirits.

Edit: I will comment now and then, to the one's that I do enjoy reading. Just to let every one know that I'm still around.

Sheesh!!

2007-02-22T07:59:00.000-08:00
So this is what it's like, to own a FORD. Third trany needs to be sent back to where it was built. Which means I won't get my suv for the weekend, which means I'm miss CHURCH!! And believe me I will not, nor will I own another, FORD in my drive way! I can not wait until I can get a transfer, that is the only way we're going to be able to afford something that is more reliable. For those who owns one glad to hear that yours isn't in the damn shop! If life could throw me another, J needs to have three fillings along with braces, just great one more thing to add to my list of I don't want nor do I need this Shit at the moment!

As for my health I've relapsed last night, my stitches are poking the under side of my arm. And I have until Monday to have them remove, at least I've got that to look forward to. The only income we are getting at the moment is CH's my disability will not kick in until I get back onto my feet and work again. Which won't be until March 19th right now I'm praying really hard, and remembering songs that get me through the tough times.

The pic below is one that I took, C was being cute and thought mom needed a foam bullet on her door. It's a good thing my suv is at the shop, I would like to drown it in the river. Or put a real bullet right, through the engine. Of course my mechanic said that wouldn't do any one any good. So the thought was there.

Edit: This was suppose to be, last nights post. I didn't get done until this morning. #94

An Eventfull Week

2007-02-19T15:42:00.000-08:00
It's been one hell of a week, and I'm so glad that the weekend is hear. I had to pay for my Massage insurance, let me just say that's one hell of an expensive thing to pay on. I went from paying $260.00 down to $199.00 I could have saved more if I had mentioned where I was working to get it lowered even more. Oh well at least I've got insurance. Another expense this week was J's field trip of $225.00 he's going to science camp near S.F. in March. And I'm not driving him either, he will be riding with another parent that is planning on traveling that far. Since those two major bills are paid I can relax a little, maybe until Tuesday, when I take my suv back to the shop after the kids leave for school. The check engine light has been on for over a month and is now has an exhaust leak on the left side. Notice that when I was coming home from work before I had my surgery. Just great!! one more thing to add to the list of screaming bloody murder! As many repairs we've done on this ford, Ch still insists on wanting another. I'm sorry dear but no thanks, it doesn't matter if there is one, sitting at the ford dealer ship with a nice price tag on it.
So last night Ch was being funny, and I took him up on his little joke, and went looking for a new auto. I found two one is a Saturn and one is a Chevy, both aren't bad for the price so I compared it with a Ford, guess what for some reason Fords are a little more than the Chevy and the Saturns.

Even though we aren't quit ready to buy a new one, and with all the repairs that are needing to be done on my suv. I think it's time to throw in the towel and go further into debt. Not exactly what I really want to do. And with no help from the outside what other choice do we have? As for my work I've decided to go ahead and have transfer done. With the same job that I have now, the only difference is the pay $16.50 in the East Bay, compared to $7.50 down here. I think I'll take the long drive, and sit in traffic for 20 mins. So why all of sudden a transfer? My boss called me the day before Valentines, asked how I was doing. Now this is were it gets really interesting. Since I've been gone from work for three weeks, things have changed at my work. My boss is taking a transfer to Rose ville, they are opening another massage place there. She then to tell me that, one of the other gals that works up front will be handling all of my affairs of when I come back. I'm thinking just great! she's giving my medical information, to one of the gals that manages the front and not to the one that owns the building and is the manager.

Oh wait the manager is never there, the clinic has been run by the clinic supervisor. She is the one who gets us every thing that we need, I asked my supervisor what was going on she tells me that she needs a change, and the drive from Sac. to V.V. is too far. Her heart and soul has always been working with places, who hire massage therapist and show them how to dress the client without exposing any part of their body. I'm not a bit surprise, then again any thing she does or says is taken like water off of a ducks back. She asked if I have my medical leave papers I told I could bring it to her. What I should have done was wait until later that afternoon. So I get there and she's in a meeting with some gal. I'm not sure who she is suppose to replace.

Since she was busy, I wanted to see who was working, my co-workers were sitting in the break room so when I opened the door they were sitting there, waiting for their clients to show up. I'm not a bit surprised, so we all start talking on what has been going on at work. Liz (not her real name), said it's nice to see you, we talk about how I was doing. She asked me if I knew about our supervise leaving? I said yes she called me and told me couple of hours ago. What? I thought I was the only one she told it too. Oh really? Now this where the fun begins, she calls me we talked about how work is going she said it's been busy. Liz looks at me kind of surprised, I said what it hasn't been busy, both girls look at each other then at me. Okay what the hell is going on? Because Alisa is leaving and you two know more than I do. So spill it! D.C left because of a transfer to the East Bay which I knew, so after she had left and with my medical leave. Things have gotten out of control, one gal that took the place of D.C. is going back over seas, her husband is going Iraq in the middle of March. So she's leaving the first week of April, going back to Guam.

Another gal that was hired just about the same time as Lilli, she was losing money at her rental space so she quit making $900.00 a month she was losing money while working at M.E. I asked who else is here, and who else is leaving. Liz informs me that a few more are planning on leaving, due to not being paid enough. Liz was asked to clean the carpets, tables and do the dusting so they wouldn't have to hire a cleaning company to come in and do it for us. Liz and Jen came in on the weekends and cleaned after hours. She was being paid by Lisa and Jim, Lisa never paid her on time, kept changing the cleaning worksheets on her. Alisa knew but didn't bother calling Liz about it. Lisa would breach the contract, so Liz told Lisa that she wasn't cleaning any more, and to find someone else. Because Lisa wouldn't get pay on time and Liz had a bounced her rent check, waiting on Lisa and Jim to pay them. That has been a mess. She asked if I wanted to hear more I said sure, I'm up for all the dirt. Well how about taking a seat for the rest, I said sure.

So sitting with my co-workers, Liz tells me that Alisa and Lisa had a falling out, they got into a heated argument over why Alisa was spending so much money on supplies. Because our therapist need lotion, they need clean sheets every day. They have a cleaning company come in and deliver us our clean sheets. And sometimes he is late getting to us. And we are stuck washing and drying the sheets, Lisa still kept whining and complaining on how much was being spent, and how many clients have come in. And so Alisa had enough of their bull shit and said she's out of here, I was shocked that it went as far as a transfer for Alisa I'm happy for her, but there is still the matter of us massage therapist needing more money. So alot of them are leaving, Liz is another one, she's pretty much has another job lined up in Sac. I had a feeling this would happen sooner or later, it doesn't take much to for someone to start something and all hell breaks loose.

Just about the time Liz was about to say something, Alisa walks in with two more massage therapist. I'm sitting there with Liz and Lilli, we look at one another not saying a word. I had seen one of them right before I went on leave and she's hired two more, hell we haven't been able to keep the ones that were hired back in August busy enough. Alisa explained that I will be working four days a week from 9:00 to 3:00 Monday through Thursday. I explained this to Ch he isn't happy at all, I'm still working four days a week. If I'm not busy to stay until 3:00p.m. then I'm sent home. It's not worth working at this place. Now the other place that I want to transfer to. I've talked to D.C. about how she is doing she's busier working in the East Bay she's been busy since the day they opened up. She told me to call them the following day tell them that you work for Alisa and see if you can get over here after your done healing. So I called them the on Wed. they said to bring in a resume and if I personally knew D.C. I said yes I did worked with her in V.V. before her transfer. He said that helps a lot, so we'll see how that goes on the 26 of Feb.

As I'm talking with my co-workers, I asked about another therapist that I had not met. He's gone M.I.A. no one has heard or seen him. He works at the same place as I do and works at the bank during the day. He hasn't called either of his jobs, no one knows where he is at. Liz knows which bank he works at, so she was going to see if they have heard from him because his second job needs to talk to him about his work habits is out of control. Liz said this is not like him to do this, he's very responsible works well with others. And is in tune with those he works with, so this mystery of a missing co-worker has been on the minds of those who know him well. He's been missing for about two months. Hasn't called either one of his jobs, whether he has finally showed up or not I don't know. I went as far as asking if we knew where he lived to see if he is okay? No one knows where he lives which makes it even worse. We all have his phone number they have called it, but there hasn't been any answer. You hear about this kind of stuff on t.v. mind blowing to hear of it in real life. I do hope and pray for his safe return, and if he is really sick that he would have the nerve of calling work.

The last part of this post, was going with C to see Disney On Ice. We all had a good time, C. was so glad that I got the chance to go with him. His teachers got to see a loving mom and son enjoy themselves. We had lunch before we came home, both of us enjoyed having lunch in the warm sunshine. Ch had to work and couldn't come with us, but that was okay. C was so glad that I got to come with him.

Hearts On Fire (BEWEAR ADULT CONTENT)!!

2007-02-13T22:28:00.000-08:00
I'm having one of those moments, if you remember the post that was really, breath taking. Here's another that's over due. And hopefully this will not turn out a rerun of words so bare with me.

We've been working long hours and it's a Friday night, the kids have gone to bed, with out any fuss. And dinner has been done for the night and the dishes have been washed and put away. My scheming, sexy little mind, has been working in over drive. I've wanted you, waited for you. My looks tell you I need you, My body is sending messages of I can't wait to get you to myself. The lights are turned out the candles, light scented vanilla candles burning, the mood of romance is in the air.

I slip into something a little more comfortable, and walk back to the living room where you are sitting on the couch. Half nekked wearing only a pair of boxers. I sit next to you, we both hug and kiss...as our lips meet, your hands move over me, sending chills down my spine. Oh god it feels so good, you move your hands under my sexing robe you notice, I'm not wearing any thing. You softly touch my bare breast, your hand moves from the right to the left. Your hand is greeted by enticing nipples each rising to be touched. Your hand moves lower over my stomach, just above my awakening, you kiss my neck nibble my ears. Whispers of sweet nothings are left in their wake. I sense your growing hard dick, needing wanting to be touched.

My hands roam over your manly nipples caressing, kissing, licking each one. Not missing a beat in your touch. Your dick responding to each others touches, so caring, so loving. As I'm laying in your arms one holding my back while the other is lightly playing with my clit, the softness of my skin under your finger tips, as you play with every part of me. You pull me into your arms, as I softly touch your back, kissing each other, making each of our body parts wanting, needing more. As your fingers trace the outer layer of my soft sweet pussy waiting to be touch, wanting, needing more. You slide your finger into my wet pussy, as I reach to touch your hard dick.

As our bodies respond to more than just a touch, as my mouth takes your dick, tasting your manliness, wanting to feel my tongue along it's shaft. Taking care of each little detail. As your body response to each little movement of my tongue, your
hands roam over each of my bare breasts. Wanting more, yet enjoying every movement of each other's boobies. You whisper it's my turn to lick, and to taste you, as I move from between your legs. As I lie on back,as I feel you, planting little flicks of pleasure onto my lower half. Kissing my inner thighs, taking your mouth softly, licking my outer lips of my pussy. As your fingers softly touch each of my rising nipples, your fingers working to get me wetter, finding it wouldn't be much longer before I would climax to the pleasure of your tounge working on pussy. While my fingers run through your hair, the feeling of each others bodies, wanting needing more.

Moans of pleasure escape my mouth, such a sweet sound to your ears. Oh baby, yes just like that. Licking my wetness feeling your tongue, entering my wet pussy longing for your hardness of dick, to finish me off. Feeling each other's bodies on fire from the pleasure of each lick and kiss, our bodies wanting more. Your hardness is so ready for my wanting wet pussy. The smell of my womanly sent, to taste me on your lips. As we give into one another, pushing your dick into my soft, sweet, wet pussy enjoying the slowness as we ride one another. Not wanting this to end, as we move with each other's pace. As moans of pleasure, escapes each other, the feeling of our bodies as we move together. The climaxing begins, oh yes right there, don't stop as our bodies move to each other's wants, and our needs were being met.

As we lie in each other's arms, hugging and kissing each other good night. Enjoying our hot, love making. Just being able to enjoy, one another body was worth the flirting and kisses during the evening.

Edit: I've been working on this post since the weekend. Sorry it's taken a little longer than expected. I do hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoy writing it.

Quick Update

2007-02-13T20:56:00.000-08:00
As many have heard I'm doing much better, than I was a few weeks ago. That was until I drove myself around today, and drove out of town to pick up Ch's birthday cake, I did a big NO, NO, I leaned over to put the cake between the seats instead of leaving it on the front seat where I had it to begin with. In other words I've got my right under arm near the stitches inflamed at the moment. I know it wasn't a smart move on my part, and I know it wasn't the brightest move either. I did take a shower to see if that would make the discomfort any less bearable. It did somewhat help, I'll be sleeping on the couch again as well. This morning I found dried blood, underneath my bra padding so I know sleeping in the bed, wasn't helpful either. I tried to get my pillows in a good position then I would fall to the left or to the right, either way I wasn't comfrotable. As much as I enjoy sharing our bed, it's not going to work tonight, too much is at risk like pulling one of my stitches apart that's all we don't need right now. I'm off to do another post.

Every one's prayers have been such a blessing for us, again thank you. Before I forget I did return to my Monday night bible study class it was small just 6 of us. At least things are somewhat getting back to normal.

So Far So Good

2007-02-06T13:30:00.001-08:00
Just wanted to let every one know, that I did go back to the doctors yesterday. Every thing is going well, there is still swelling and burses are slowly starting to fade away. The hard part was actaully having the bandages removed, as I was sitting on the table he had this mirror on the counter, I saw some of the major work that was done. I about passed out on my doctor, as he was taking the gaze off of my stitches. I felt this strange leakage feeling, I took my figure to see why I was feeling strange there was blood on my figure. Freaked me out a little, that is why my doctor had me lie down. He was still concered over the swollen areas in time it will heal.

As for today I'm by myself I did take my first shower, which felt so good so I got a little brave and shaved my legs. Let me just say that wasn't a good idea, I thought for sure I was having that passing out feeling, I know not a good feeling. I washed got out and put my p.j. buttoms on with a light cotten t-shirt.

This my short update for today, after my experince in the shower and having lunch by myself I'm going to have myself a nice nap. There isn't much I can do, I would like to wash the dishes but my body is saying not yet. I really need to work on that. Sheesh!

Big {{{Hugs}}}

2007-02-04T12:39:00.000-08:00
I don't think I can go through this a second time, once is enough for all of us. Yes it's taken a toll on my loving husband. I don't think any of us were really ready or prepared for a slow healing process; Some times it's just mind blowing on how much work has to be put into getting laundry done, and the time it takes for your mind to register where you are at. Ch has been amazing, sure I get a little grumpy only because I can not stand being on bed rest, I have never stayed longer than two days in bed. Your talking about someone who is constantly on the move, I can't even begin to understand how Ch can stay in bed longer than I can, as long as it's quiet and J and C aren't fighting over what to whatch or play. Oh yes that has been a chore in a half you think by now the oldest child can keep his little brother occupyed while you take a short nap because you were up before the alarm went off. Talk about a rude awakening, I was so close into throwing a pillow at both of them for the tantrum that both of them went into. Oh my gosh! I thought I had torn my stitches apart after I counted to three, poor Ch he was so miserable looking, coming to my rescue! After both J and C were sent to different rooms one screaming C and J who knew better in picking a fight.

So yesterday was a little more peaceful, we went to breakfast and did some shopping. It was a little chilly not too bad the cold air sure did feel good on my sore tatas, the swelling has gone down a lot since I came home on Wednsday, which is a much better feeling. Here I have been sleeping on a couch while Ch has been enjoying the bed all to himself! As for bathing that has been a chore in a half, I have to wash my body parts seperatly, I have to wash my hair in the kitchen sink, then I go into the bathroom rather neal in the tub which ch has the pleasure of washing me ;) This one chore that I'll be glad to be rid of, I'm sure it's ....umm....well you get the picture! He's done a good job in washing me not to get any water around my bra I have to stay completly dry, no water down or around my stitches. We both have been very careful on hugging one another, he's afraid of making me any more sorer than what I'm already am. I'm just wanting to be able to have full rein of my chore list!

Today has been a lot better things are still slow moving, so this morning I got a little brave and laid down with Ch before he was ready to get up, I do miss being able to lay down with him. As I was checking to see how I was doing underneath my bra area I noticed I must have leaked at some point. I'm sure it's nothing to really worry about I'm to see my doctor tomorrow afternoon, I'm not all that worried I did let ch know about it, he asked if I was okay I said yes. I'm not in any serve pain, I'm hoping it's just the swelling that is going down, and I didn't tear anything while laying next to ch this morning, this is all we both don't need right now.

Here's to BIG HUGS to all my well wishers out there, thank you for all the prayers they have given me so much peace, and courage. To know that there are so many of you pulling for us. I would do the same for any one who is going through a tough time. This kind of plastic surgery is not for every woman, it should be known as the surgery from hell! Because of the healing process and your limited to very short movements. And if your one who likes to be up and doing things, I will warn you be prepared on being very, very, sleepy and sore.

Slow But Steady

2007-02-01T15:13:00.001-08:00
Just real quick update, as many of you have heard my surgen, removed 77% of my left breast. He removed all of my fibroids that my other doctor had found, he removed 200 grams more from my left than from my right. Which took longer for me to get out of sugery. In other words no more big tata on left side Yaaa!! I don't have a lot of energy, I have walked around the house a few times to stretch my legs. And my rear end is sore from all the sleeping on the back. No side lining, no fetal position and no I'm not sleeping in the same bed as CH, I tried that it didn't work too well. So the couch in the living room has become my recovery room.

That way I can walk to the bed room, wake CH when I need something and then go back to the living room. It makes for him a little more tired during the day. We're getting by. If my typing is a little off, it's because of all the medication that the doc's put me on. I'm pretty much sleeping off and on during the day, a little bit of t.v. watching, mainly laying flat on my back and resting. I still have the drawings of where my surgen had to make the insitions. He noticed how big my left had gotten after my last visit with him, they were a little concered over my sinus infection that I got a hold of, they were going to pospone it for a second time I said no, I'm phyically fine it's my sinuses that started acting up on Sunday.

Told them I had taken some hot liquid med the night before, about 7:00 p.m. and went straight to bed about 9:00 p.m. I know about the complications that go with colds and being knocked out for a good 2 hours. When I did come to, the nurses and Ch were in the room, some of my nurses knew what they were doing, there were about three that didn't know what they were doing. I had to explain to them what they had to do with the bed how to get me out and put me back in. I had them take my oxigen out of my nose due to the dryness it was causing me, and then my room got too hot, so they opened the blinds and cracked open my door, in order for me to breath better.

I did come home yesterday, and a little bit of a scare today other wise I'm doing fine the nurses made a big mistake yesterday and sent me home in a bra that was too tight for me. Even after my surgens nurse had told them to give me one that the hospital had, and so that is why my doctor had called me today. A bit sore after words came home and rested for a good hour. And now I'm going to wrap this up and say thank you to all of you for the well wishes and prayers. As I have prayed for my surgery and recovery to go very well.

My Turn!!

2007-01-28T13:54:00.000-08:00
This was Not suppose to happen! This was suppose to be my weekend to get every thing organized before my opporation on Tues. But Nooo I've come down with a slight cold AARRRGGG! I'm not feeling good I've missed church because of my head being stuffed up, and my left shoulder hasn't help the situation much. It started out on Thurs. when Ch ended up in the e.r. while I was at work I felt a sharp pain, from under my shoulder blade and having a hard time moving. So after J gets home from school, and after changing and fighting with C to get his shoes back on, we headed to my Chiroprators office. Thank goodness he wasn't busy, he found one of my ribs pushed back out of place and he adjusted it back into place. By the time friday evening came I was in a little more pain, and asked to go home early. Which didn't happen we were actually busy after two weeks of being called to remain at home. I was not very pleased in how my night went. I did make money that's was good, on the other hand having a shoulder in pain doesn't help. One of my co-workers, asked if I was okay I said no not really I'm in a lot of pain, I have no choice but to work. Wow that's dedication to your work. And to your clients that need you there more than at home.

You know that's why I'm really not liking were I work, they rather be in business for themselves rather than looking out for the therapist if I known this I would have happen I would, not have agreed to work for them. Right now there is nothing I can do, until after the surgery and at least three weeks of full recovery. I'm going to go ahead and look for a new job. One that is more reliable than what I'm doing right now. I love what I do but I'm in a do or die situation. There is a trip that is coming up next year and one way or another I'm taking my family on this vacation! Even though I'm not all that well today, I'm trying my best in not let the little things get in the way. Ch is feeling better today, which I'm glad that he is. His back is a little sore, and it bad enough that I'm down today.

The only good part of working at this place, is I'm learning hot stone massage. There is a down side to it. This is one expense I'm not sure I can handle at the moment. I can go and get them from a river bank, or I can order the complete set on line at my favorite massage warehouse. Either way it costs money, I'm not sure if I will be able to complete the training. I have one other option I have to talk to her and see what she says I should do. She's a very speical massage therapist, and has helped me with my back many times even though she's okay with me not paying her I feel it's not fair. So when I get some extra money I will repay and then recieve a massage from her. Her work is really good, she's been doing massage longer than I have. Yet she understands how hard, and frusterating this work can get, I'm very blessed to have her work on me.

I've had few bumps this week and each, one has brought a friend along the way. I called K and told her about my situation the kids were with me, I had no other choice but to take them to the Chiroprators office. I asked for prayers, she gladly said she would and if I needed anything, just to let her know. After walking out of the store I realized that I forgot the pedia pops and not wanting to go back in and just getting home. My mom in law was out of town and wouldn't be home until later than expected so, having to take K's offer she gladly accepted. I also called our bible study teacher and mentor left a message on her answering machine. She called me and asked what was going on? I explained to her everything that I've been through she said wow your in pretty good spirits! Yes I am some one has to. No time to worry it will work itself out. Which it did! In the meantime I'm resting which is no fun. Many of you have come and read me, and know how much I dispise being in bed. That's where I'm going to be, for the rest of the day.

Oh by the way I have a gmail addy, so here it is feel free to leave an email or chat with me since I'm here. So here it is: summerrose06@gmail.com; Better yet since I'll be home most of the time in Feb go ahead and stop by and say hello. I'm going now, and hopefully get better by tomorrow, I still have to work. Have a good week everyone!

HNT

2007-01-24T21:11:00.000-08:00
**WARNING**

The following image is not suitable for work.

As promised here is my before picture of my not so pretty breast that have caused me to gain weight and lots of pain in the neck surgeries. Have a Happy Half Nekkid Thursday.

Mmmooommmy It's Cold!!

2007-01-18T21:55:00.000-08:00
Yes C mommy knows it's cold, and that is why you were suppose to wear your warm p.j.'s. It's been in the low 20's most of Cali, has been under a freeze warning since the temps have dropped, there is no rain in sight, light snow pack for Lake Tahoe and it doesn't look like it's going to get any better. Yesterday morning I wanted to see if was any warmer and I found ice on the inside of the sliding glass door. The same day as the mold inspector was coming to our house. Ch showed his dad where the ice had been, after it had warmed up by the sun it had melted away. Of course I wanted to do a little science experiment to see how cold it's gotten.....let's just say it's much warmer in the house than dealing with water. Actually our water hose has been frozen solid and that's been a real pain in the ass. I and Ch has had to take water from the house to our running auto's to get the ice off the windshields, and having them freeze right back up again.

As for the day time temps depends on where you live, for us it's barley in the low 40's if we're lucky in the high 50's. Barely an end in sight, as of right now we're still having two more nights of low 20's and close to 60 during the day starting tomorrow night back in the 30's, a slight change not by much. I've just about had enough of this cold freeze I would rather have some freaken rain! And were not getting any of that, not this month I've looked into the forecast for next month for us, not much better, no rain higher temps, we'll see. I'm not too thrilled with this weather outlook, I've seen it this dry before. Reminds me of the droughts that I grew up with as a child no rain, and the rain that we would have it would fall side ways where it wouldn't touch the ground because of the high winds that would come with it. We would wake up the next morning with not a drop on the ground. The mountains would get the same treatment barely any snow and the ski resorts have had their fair share of hardly any snow on the ground. I've seen pics on the news on how the skiing is in Lake Tahoe, it's there but not like it's been in the past two years. Reminds me of what it was like when I and Ch, had gotten married with little snow on the ground. The driving conditions haven't been that bad for us, we're not living in tough parts of Cali, I've seen the pics heard the traffic reports. It could be a lot worse, and thankfully it's not.

I'm making sure that both boys are wearing head gear to school, and both of them are dressed warmly enough. J doesn't have a long walk he picks the bus up at the school near our home and they take him across the highway to the middle school there. C gets picked up in front of our house and they drive him to and from school. Each night after work I have been changing into warm sweats and a pair of warm hunting socks that Ch bought me, they keep my feet nice and toasty. It's too darn cold to go with out something warm on the feet. By the time the sun starts to set the temp starts to drop. Even though it's been cold in the mornings J has refused to let me drive him to school no matter how cold it's been, he would rather walk in the cold. He's got a warm coat he's been wearing, and warm shirts underneath, it still doesn't set too well, with me. The only thing I can do is pray he doesn't get sick from the cold, that would mean that I will not be able to have my operation done at the end of the month. Which by the way is in two weeks and counting. And yes I will be posting a pic of a before and after, I'm a little nervous over this operation I know this one will be more intense than the last four I've had done. This one has a little more recovery time than my previous surgeries. I' ll be glad when it's all over and after a months rest or so I'll be back to doing my normal activitesAnother long drawn out post sheesh! You think by now I would be able to post and maybe start on another. With the kids back in school and with my work it's been a little difficult to get any posting done. May your weekend be a good one and if it's cold your way I'm thinking of you.

Back To Normal

2007-01-10T22:24:00.000-08:00
As most of you have read it's back to normal, I did take my loving sister back home over the weekend. Which was a good thing, even if two boys who decided to fuss and fight over not wanting to get ready to leave. One was overly tired fought with me on getting ready to leave, one didn't want to go, he wanted to stay home, which was impossible because CH wasn't here to watch them he was out hunting. With my sister's help she got J up because he was overly tired and complaining of not getting enough sleep, the night before. I explained to him we are running a little late I wanted to be out of here by 9:30 because of the traffic. I also had a little bit of a surprise along the way. Between getting ready to leave and a phone call that I didn't want, which was my work wondering if I could cover for a no show therapist, I declined work. Because I wouldn't be able to get on the road until Sunday. And since school started on Monday I wasn't about to attempt to take her home the following day.

So what was this surprise that I briefly mentioned? I stopped off at my Aunts and Uncles house on our way to my god mothers. They live out in the country, my uncle is a foremen for a dairy that is across from where they live, we don't see them very much and I know that family is very important. I and my siblings have always had a wonderful relationship with them, we always went to their house for the weekends or they would come to our house. They are the only ones who would actually give us kids the time of day, where my mom's brother wouldn't bother with us kids. They would see us every other summer or send us some crazy Christmas gifts, or their daughters would tease the three of us about living on a farm. We didn't care and to this day I still don't talk with my late mom's brother or his wife lost contact with them after my mom had passed away no calls, no letters, which is fine with me. I could careless about them.

As for the one's that visited with on Saturday, they have always been there for us kids. We use to go up and stay almost every weekend with them. I remember my uncle calling my mom and telling her that his wife was expecting any day and if she wouldn't mind being there if she needed anything, my mom called the schools, and she had neighbors watching us while my mom took my aunt to the hospital. We pretty much grew up living on a dairy with my cousins every other weekend. The stuff we use to do would drive my aunt crazy with worry, she would get after us kids for jumping off of hay bails, she was pretty concerned that one of us would break something. His boss that he use to have before he moved, had an apple orchard, every fall he would bring us buckets of apples, my mom would have at least four pies made by the time us kids got home from school. Or she would can them to have for the winter, I remember having them down for Thanksgiving, my mom had her best baked apple pie for desert my uncle loved those pies. He even enjoyed her pumpkin pie as well. Any way back to the visit.

It was a bit of a surprise for my sister, she looked at me and said where are you going? You will see if I don't get lost, I didn't say that out loud though. So we get off the free way and my sister is still looking at me and she says to me, are you sure you know where you are going? Yes I do know where I'm going? We pass one of my uncles house he recently bought which is now up for sale, and we keep going on this country road that seems to go for miles. We get up to the house, and there are a few cars we don't recognize my sister said stay here and I'll go and see if anyone knows our uncle. She goes to the door knocks and a older woman answers the door a second later our cousin comes out to see who is there, she's in total shock that we actually stopped by. She tells us her mom is due home any minute. The woman that had answered the door who knows no English only Spanish. Who is totally not sure who we were, and my cousin thank goodness knew us, was very happy to see us. I forgot to mention my uncle and aunt are Spanish and they are my late moms, brother and sister in law from second marriage.

Our cousin couldn't believe we were there, our cousin explained to us that her mom would be home from work any minute, she said that could at least stay for a while we said sure, we weren't in a hurry. We got filled in on all the details of what was happening with her brothers, one is married living not far from his parents, his sister isn't too crazy over his wife. What can you do but to love them both. One just got off of work, two took off, the other wanted to be included on the conversations we where having. He was a bit surprised, on how well we knew his older brother and sister. My aunt walks into the kitchen gives us both hugs and couldn't believe that we were there, she was very happy to have us there. She gave my cousin some money, so she could go to the store and buy stuff for lunch, she asked if she would call her dad and asked if he would be home for lunch? He asked her why? She said you will see when you get here. To my uncles surprise his favorite niece's were there.

The food that was cooked was amazing, Carne asada, beans, a Mexican salad which included cooked cactus cabbage, lemon, and a little bit of homemade salsa, Oh I almost forgot the tortillas. My aunt had made another Mexican dish. Talk about good, it was every thing that I remembered from my childhood. The other women that we didn't know at first was pretty surprised that our cousins knew us, and after the rounds of greetings and exchange of names. There were more hugs, and welcomes in Spanish. I and my sister we get by on little Spanish that we have. My family asked us all kinds of questions, and wanting to know where my hubby was at? I explained to them he does a lot of hunting, fishing, and working. My other cousin asked if he could come up for a weekend to go fishing on the delta, I said sure call ahead of time so we know not to make any sudden plans. My uncle said he tried to find my house, he couldn't find it so I got on their Internet, got the directions for my uncle so the next time he knows where to go. After we had our lunch, my aunt got to thinking and said you know what today is? We said no? Please tell us. She said in Mexico it's Little Christmas, I can't remember what it means in the Mexican culture. She said that on this day, some one in the family cooks a big meal. My sister and I stopped to think about what she was explaining, we said that something kept telling me to stop off at my uncles house. I didn't dare tell them that it started, before I left the house.

We had a wonderful time at my uncles and aunts house, they said we need to stay in touch a little more often we said we would do so. It's moments like this I'm so blessed to have a wonderful understanding uncle and aunt. We did make it to my god mothers house, stayed there for a short time, turned around and came home. Both boys were pretty tired after playing all day. Actually J was more of the I'll hid from everyone else and C was worn out from jumping on the trampoline that was set up in the yard. I'm just happy to have a peaceful house again, I don't mind having my sister here with me. Sometimes you just need your own space.

This is all for now, I'm thinking of posting a HNT pic, I know it's been a while since I've done one of those. If any one has any thoughts on what to take a pic let me know.

Happy New Year...And A New Look!!

2007-01-01T22:55:00.000-08:00
It's been a long while since my last post, so much has been going on that I haven't really had time to put everything in words. For those who have read CH's posts, and wondering why CH hates Kaiser so much, I had finally gotten a hold of them lost my temper, since November they never called me, after I left a message asking them to return my call, to have my surgery done on my breasts. They finally returned my call about the second time I made my complaint known. The receptionist finally called me back and asked what I needed? So this is where the fun begins none of them knew that I had called back in Nov. none of them realized that I had my consultation back in August three 1/2 months ago. She finally comes back and says, you did this two years ago. I shot back and said it was in August that I had another consultation with one of the best known surgeon's at Kaiser in W.C. she starts checking again and said yes you did. Another fun fact to deal with. Your surgeon had openings for your surgery all of December, so why wasn't I notified about it? I've been waiting for two months, for this surgery and your telling me he's had openings way before Christmas? How could you do this to me? I'm the one who has been in pain for the two months it gets worst with each menstrual cycle (sorry to gross you guys out). She said we usually don't take people who have been seen recently only those who have been in six months ago. Oh really, new times gal you either get me an appointment or else! I'm tired of playing games with you people, I even went as far as letting her know that I've had trouble with this surgery department since my very first surgery I've ever had.

After our little ti ft on the phone, I got my appointment. Which was made for Jan 5 Th changed to Jan. 31st no set time just yet. I understand when a young woman has been told she has cancer she goes before me, so they gave her my appointment instead of switching with someone else when I'm sure I'm not the only one who has surges set for the same week. What can you do? Even though I've requested the time off, I needed to get this done. Now I have to talk to my boss who is such a brat! and try to ask for my hours back, she told me once she wouldn't do it, I don't know if she will change her mind. She's the type that doesn't like to make changes when we request them, she's already hired five new massage therapist and has already given me the time off that I needed. It's any one's guess what she will do to me. I could careless what she does to me I can and will find a new job. I've already have a new resume set up, to find a new job with.

J and C have been out of school for three weeks, and are due to return back to school on the Jan 8Th. I really do feel for C, he's had one week of playing at his after school program before Christmas and now he's really, really board. There are few things that interest him, and yet he thinks that no one pays attention to him and he starts acting out. The last two weeks have been full of rotting, bad behavior, and there is no one that I can turn to but to keep letting C know that we love him. J being the oldest has stated he's ready to go back to school, being out for three weeks has been very board. So having two kids being board has brought the worst out in both of them. It's either Mom! he's picking on me or Mom! I can't find this or that or whatever they both find something to fight about. Talk about wanting to lose my patince, and wanting to pull my hair out with both of them, they both need to find something they both can agree on.

Before I close for the night, May every one's New Year be better than the last. As for my new look it was time for a change. I needed it badly, even though I didn't mind the pink, just needed a new look for a New Year.

Even The Strongest Cries

2006-12-13T11:41:00.000-08:00
I've kind of taken some time off from writing, not really telling anyone...having so much going on. I needed to recharge, I've had a few bad days with the boys. J got into some hot boiling water that needed my attention. We have gotten it all straightened out, it did cause him to lose a privilege to see one of his teachers at the elementary school that C was attending. I have to figure out who can watch J while I and CH are working. I'm paying $24.00 for C to be at a after school program, and having J to attend one as well, would be putting us over the edge. Lately I have been sent home or called not to come in due to business being very slow, which in turn has hurt my paycheck. I'm still looking for a new job, and not just anything. I did find one they want a p/t massage therapist, I'm not sure how it would work with my other job that I'm currently with. Right now weekends are out of the question, as for nights; I've had my fair share of wanting to fall asleep at the wheel. I'm not ready to give up on looking for a good job, I know right now it's not the best time of the year either.

I've cried my eyes out, dried my tears, stood taller, stronger, and started searching for a better job. And with the next holiday coming up less than a week to go. I'm still in the rut of not getting CH anything for Christmas and the same with him getting anything for me. At least we have each other, family and friends. Almost plenty of cookies, to give away. I still have one more batch of Chocolate Cookies to make, and Ch has one more that he needs to bake as well. I'm still attending my bible study class, and taking a parenting class on Thursday nights we have a few of these classes left. Ch will be back to attend his men's group, so far the parenting class has helped and has said everything we do seems to be working. Taking C to the garage having, him scream his lungs until he's ready to do what we need him to do.

I even received C's report card last week, he's come along way. There is a program that I haven't had a chance to read up on, the group is called Advanced Kids they help with kids with temper tantrums, in the classroom. C isn't quite ready to venture out into the regular classroom just yet due to his temper and as for going out side and have free time play, he tends to run off. So he's still with someone that watches C very closely. C is at basic level, in most of his school work there is still a few quirks that need to be dealt with, other than that C is doing real well. J has finally gotten an aid to work with him, on some of his subjects that he struggles with, so far I haven't had any more detentions sent home from his teacher. Even though J has an aid that works with him, I still ask if he has any home work to do. He knows I will be on him about doing his homework. Which is a plus for the both of, he understands that home work means that it's part of his grade and turning it in on time has been an issue for him.

It's been close to three weeks since my last post, some of it was also due to having so much going on. My family along with few others, had asked if I wouldn't mind helping decorate the church in the early afternoon, I told K that I would bring Ch along she said that would be great! we don't have a lot of tall guys to help out. Most are busy with family functions and are not able to help with the decorating. As one of the teachers was putting up the Nativity scene, C comes along and asked what she was setting up? So here's conversation that happened between the two:

C: Is that a play set?

Mrs. R: no it's a Nativity scene that I'm putting together.

C: An activity scene.

Mrs. R: No an Nativity scene of night when Baby Jesus was born.

C: there seems to be a lot of activity going on around the baby Jesus.

By the last sentence C runs off to help with decorating a tree that I and Ch have put together, and having the boys help put on the ornaments on the tree. Mrs. R comes up to and asked if C has ever seen an Nativity scene? I said I would like to get one, we have no room for one yet, we have no place for one. I said why? She explains to me what he had said, and we both had to stop and think, you know C was on to something that day. God had a lot of activity going on that night. C has also mentioned to me that Pastor was not there, his wife was there just to see if we needed anything? C tells us at dinner that same night that he would like to become a pastor, just like Pastor B. Because I like pastor B.

As I'm rapping this up, I've noticed it's two weeks before Christmas not get any one's feathers in an uproar. I'm really, really behind in my postings, I'll try to post again. Well see.

I Have a dilemma

2006-11-21T23:30:00.000-08:00
Wow who would have guessed... I have a major dilemma on my hands. She's here for the week and I'm so close to killing her, with so much positive talk right now it's not even funny. Some of the stuff that is going on, CH doesn't even know yet, I'm not going to tell him until she leaves on Sunday. I'm so tired of her b.s. that I'm ready to tell her off!! One of the things that is pissing me off is how she's telling me how I should spank C more, because he was having a bad night, and not showing off because someone is here. She turns around and says, you know you should spank him more. I told her I can't do that because it will not solve any thing and being that we just had our first parenting class last Thursday, she in turns what the hell is that suppose to do? Excuse the living hell out of me!! She doesn't understand why C is the way he is.
So here's our conversation:

Sister: you shouldn't let him get away with his attitude with you?

Me: He's adjusting to having someone in the house!

Sister: You don't give a $%#@ the way C's talking to you.

Me: Look we are trying something new with him, put C in a place where he can calm himself down and then try to get him to do what we want him to do.

Sister: Your just going to let him get away with verbally abusing you, and when he gets older he's going to do it to his wife?

Me: You don't know what's going to happen when C gets older and how the hell do you even know he's going to be this way all of his life?!?

Sister: Well he needs to up his meds.

Me: We have already done that so lay off! Saying under breath, Lord give me paitence, give my sister a heart to understand what I'm going through. Help her to understand what I'm going through.

Yes I'm freaken pissed off to no end. I have no idea why the hell I even bother with her she's turning into someone I don't even know. C got sick in the middle of the night, and some how I slept through it, I'm not sure when. But this morning before I could work out she says oh you need to clean a mess in C's room because he got sick. Okay so not only do I have Sister that doesn't like to help out, I have a bossy sister that doesn't care about kids!! Just great.

Today I try calling home because C wasn't feeling well, I couldn't get through. So I call CH, his dad is call waiting and later I call Ch back and ask what is wrong at home? CH was on his way home to calm C down because he isn't feeling well. Well geeze no wonder he was having a bad night last night. C didn't wake up until just a few minutes before I walked out the door for work. I told my sister that I was leaving and she needed to be up. She was still sleeping when I walked out the f'ing door. Give me a break!

So that's where I'm standing I'm not in a very good mood, and I can't wait until Sunday when I take her home, I don't need this not now, not ever. I called my dearest friend up this evening told her how she has left my son's room a freaken mess, after I had spent all of last Friday before C got home had his room spotless, and what the hell did I come home to? A messy room!! Another reason I will not have her living with us.

We don't have all the answers to what is going on with C, it's hard enough to have someone that doesn't understand our situation, and starts putting you in a tough spot on how you should be raising your kid. I was on the verge of calling my dearest friend and taking C to her house so he doesn't have to be around my sister. As of right now I'm tired, pissed and if I don't get out of this mood soon I'm on the verge of SCREAMING!!

And on top of her not paying attention to C, because that's how he survives is by feeding off of your structure. My lap top is down for good, I now have to ship it out of state to get a new one!! I have no idea when I'll be able to get a replacement and right now I don't even care, I lost all of my pictures on it, including a very pretty screen saver that I borrowed from my in-laws.

The part that is very sad about the computer, it was a Valentine gift from Ch. I picked it out because the price wasn't too high, and I figured that it would be a good computer. Turns out I was wrong and it hurts because now I have to ship it to the company where it came from. And hopefully they will be able to ship me a new one if not I'm out the money that we had paid for it. Right now I'm not worried about a computer.

I'm concerted over the situation, that has come up with me and my sister. There is a part to a good start to my week. I'll touch base on that after, I let my anger and pain subside. Right now I just needed to get this off of my chest, and realize that I have two boys that love me very much. One is spending the night at his grandparents and one is here with me.

Be it ours, when we cannot see the
face of God, to trust under the shadow
of His wings.
Charles H. Spurgeon

Restless

2006-11-16T14:53:00.000-08:00
Usually I'm at work right about now, today was one of those damn it why the hell couldn't C get himself back to sleep!?! Not that I don't have anything to do today. Oh just a few loads of laundry. Found two mice in a drawer this morning, Ch decided to open the drawer where all of my silver wear are in, and since I'm the one who can't stands those awful looking critters. So I came up with this great idea of pulling the silver wear tray out of the drawer sticking peanut butter to the glue trap, closing the drawer and see what happens in the morning. To my amazement I'm still half a sleep half a wake because C decided he wanted soda and one that contains caffeine not something you should give a child at 8:00 p.m. Why couldn't he have picked one of those other juice or water type of drinks and being tired, and a little stressed I wasn't about to argue. So as Ch is getting ready to make his lunch he, hears this racket in the drawer where the glue traps are laying, there is one mouse on the glue trap one jumps out of the drawer lands on the floor. Okay this is not what I wanted today. By this time quick thinking mind, still feeling very sleepy. I open the door let my cat in she's smelling around I move a trash can out of the way, the mouse unsuccessfully tries to get away, lands in the mouth of my lovely kitty. And after J is out of the shower, and dressed I handed him his bb gun, so he can shoot the one thats laying on the glue trap. Took him three tries to finally get the aim right and shoot it for me. What a sweet boy that I have. :D Told C to say away from his older brother, until he was done using his bb gun. And C stayed with me in the living room.

So after J gets out of bed to see what all the fuss is about he's very tired looking not as tired has his mom is feeling at 6:45 this morning. AAARRRGGGG!! So I attempt to get ready for work fond myself more tired than usually so I called into work left a message saying that C wasn't feeling well and I wouldn't be able to make it in. So my boss calls me and says you have client that has requested me and is due at 10:00 a.m. Couldn't she tell there was something wrong with me? It was bad enough that I didn't recognized my receptionist that had made the phone call. She the receptionist asked if I was okay I said no, I had only gotten an hour of sleep this morning, and my boss says I didn't receive any recording this morning. That just makes me feel even more worse after I had made the phone call at 7:03 a.m. and she's telling me there is no message? Either there is a problem with the phones, or someone erased my message! So my boss says goes into this spill, of showing up yada, yada, and I'm the one who has to drive a bad road. I'm not going to cause a car crash because I'm feeling very tired and there was no way she could convince me to come in. She changes things around, and says we'll talk later! More than likely I'm out of a job come tomorrow afternoon, and everyone who either calls in and doesn't have a replacement it's okay for them but it's not okay for me? Talk about sticking up for those who know how to work her over.

About 10:00 a.m. this morning I had just enough energy to take C to school since there is only one day left then they get out for Thanksgiving break, which is fine with me. My sister will be here to watch J and C, or just J. C will be going to the after school program during the time that I will be at work. When I got back home and since driving does tend to put me to sleep, it's a good thing I only live 5 miles from his school. I came home and went right back to bed, for about an hour got up worked out and I'm now feeling a little better. I just hope tonight I will get a better nights sleep. I dislike not being able to get things done, and I don't like the fact that I'm the one that is always getting into trouble with my boss. I don't do a damn thing to piss her off. And just because I don't hang out to talk to her or be buddy, buddy to her. She has no right to single me out, as many would say what comes around goes around. I just wish there was some way of letting her know, it wasn't expected of me not to show up. And the fact that I did call, and left a message. I'm just bearing the fact that to her I'm worthless! And don't deserve anything. Working here has caused me to really believe that everyone is going to be like this, and there is no way of getting out of this mess, at the moment.

All I ask of my readers is just to pray that nothing bad happens, and that she will find it in her heart, that I'm not a bad employee. And just because I don't make friends with her she has no hard feelings towards me. I'm there to work, to make sure everyone is feeling good after their treatment.

I will leave you with this:
All of life becomes charged with
meaning when you realize that you will
live every moment in the sight of company
of the all-seeing always-present Creator.

A Year Already?!?

2006-11-13T22:21:00.000-08:00
I can't believe it's been one year. When I started writing I thought it would be for a short period of time, not realizing it would be for a year. Some of you have followed over from CH who started writing about our problems, and a few of our family adventures. I have to honestly say we both have grown in ways, that married couples are to grow when they first get married and not really in the middle ahah! I've also had fun reading different blogs along my path of blogging, who have either got me to laugh or to cry. I know I've done the same with many of you.

To really say which one out of my 78 posts have I come to really enjoy writing or which one's that CH had really take a good look at himself? One of my favorites was the romantic weekend one. I had a fun time writing it, then again it took me all morning which kind of blew our day out of the water. For me to actually go back and say you know I've come along way, since the pain and hurt. To finally have a release of the hurt, tears, and the heartfelt pain that I had experienced it wasn't easy to write about. There where times when I wanted to delete the hurtful posts, that I didn't want it read by any one. Part of me just wanted someone out there to read, to listen to what I had dealt with, there also times when I needed to take a break from writing, I wasn't sure on what to write about or how it would come out. There were also moments that I felt that neither my heart or my feelings were working together. I knew that was when I needed to take few moments to get back into what I was missing.

Then there was the weekend not too long ago, our cable was out for about 12 hours. We had picked up some games for the boys called Klutz kwiz Gizmo, we would take turns to see who knew the answer to the question. We don't have the gizmo to tell you the answer but it was fun having both boys figure out the answer by using their brains. C got really good at answering some of the math problems, he's a smart little guy even though he has a few issues. I'm very blessed to be J's and C's mother, and CH's loving wife. And after putting the boys to bed, having CH get a box of letters out of a plastic box that we have stored him reading a few of his letters that he wrote to me. He felt upset, sad, and hurt that he wrote such letters to me. I may have read the letter once, and forgot that CH had said some pretty awful things to me. I don't think I ever showed them to anyone, they stayed in the box along with some old cards from birthdays, and other in between holidays.

When CH had first brought up writing, about my feelings on here it wasn't easy I wasn't sure how he was going deal with my sharp words or the hurt that I felt from long ago. It's a pure blessing for me to see CH in a different light, not so much of a dark tone that he use to use with me, one that is more loving more caring. At times I wish he had done this sooner, get the help he needed. At least now he knows what I have been through with him in the past.

To look forward to a future that is now brighter, than it has been in a long time. To know that I'm still the same loving wife that I've always been. My faith is much more deeper than it has been when we first got together, I think in some ways that has helped. I'm so glad that he is now seeking help that he needs for his emotions to finally say yes I have a problem of being in control over my wife, looking at my point of view of how he had dealt with me in the past.

I'm sure there is more that I wanted to add to this post, right now I'm feeling very tired. Many of you may know what it's like getting up earlier than your spouse and know it's not easy staying up and trying to finish a project up when your falling asleep.

In turn I wish each of my readers a very good week, may your days be filled with laughter, warm hearts, peace and love.

Getting Better Little by Little

2006-11-06T16:40:00.000-08:00
I know it's been a few weeks since I've posted. I've had a teacher parent conference that I've been wanting to post about, which by the way went very well. The change that we had made earlier this year has been a good one for both C and us. His progress is coming along at a speed that has impressed the teacher and I. C is slowly being main streamed from special day class to a regular kinder class for about 35 min. C has had the opportunity to go to the local library with the kinder class, C's teacher was impressed as how well behaved he was with that class. Even though C doesn't say much about what he does in school, at least he's enjoying his old settings. They only experienced a few of his behavior problems, nothing they couldn't handle, they are well trained in how they deal with kids like C. His writing will remain weak due to his eye and hand coordination, in due time it will come together. Even B who is head of the I.E.P program was also impressed with his progress. I've asked for him to be kept at this school, for the rest of his school age years they said it wouldn't be a problem. I also know it's early in the year to ask about summer school, his teacher said that wouldn't be a problem it would actually help him even more. I have felt as if huge a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I can't believe how well C is doing. He's come along way since last year and from the beginning of this school year as well.

As I had stated in my last post about taking the test for the school dis. Which I have done. My boss called me and said she didn't need me to come in after I had called the school dis, and tried to make an appointment, to go in and retake the test. I called the school back told her that I was able to come in, and take the test. It's a good thing that I did go in and retake the test. I passed the reading and the writing part of the test, the math part I still didn't pass it. She said to study the math portion of the test and do the lifting part of the test should be easy to pass. Then I should be ready to start work any time. As much as I love doing massages, I know that I need a stable paycheck coming in, rather than wondering if I will continue to have a paycheck every other week. Even though they raised some of the commissions to $4.00 they should have made an even $5.00, that way we would be able to afford the stuff we need for us working families. I've even put renting a place from someone that I know due to money issues, I still need to contact her and see what she's offering. My heart hasn't really been in that situation, I know it would be of some help but not by much. For one living in a small town and being over run with five different massage therapist doesn't help. And two I would be away from my family in the evenings and also depends on what hours would be available I just don't want to jump into something that I won't be able to pay for.

As for J he finally got an aid for his Studies at school, took them a while to get him one, but it's finally done. I was about to start volunteering in his classroom to help him with his Studies if they didn't find him an aid. I've done it before I would have been pleased to do it again. Even though it's been quite a few years since I've helped out in his classroom, to it doesn't matter that I'm just a mom, one who is willing to lend a helping hand when needed. Fighting for my kids education has really taken it's toll on me, I'm finally being able to sleep more at night and feeling as if two weights have been lifted from my shoulders. Now all I have to do is pass the rest of the test and hopefully I've got a good paying job in my future.

I just pray that I'm being led in the right direction. I also understand that there is so much more to life, than wondering or having to worry about bills and money to pay them. Even though I love what I do, there will be more time to do massages around the time school lets out in the afternoons, or in the late evenings like some of the massage therapist here in town do. It wouldn't be hard to do it's nothing than just some thoughts.

Monday 11/6
One of the things I have tried very hard to do is be very discrete about what I've been studying. Today after my boss told me I could go home, she said oh by the way I want to talk to you. As it is I've been pretty good at getting my work done, signing papers that need to be taken care of. And what does she want to talk to me about? Me applying for another job. That one of my sneaky co-workers have went and told her that I've had applied for another job with the school. I told her that it wouldn't be anytime soon there is a lot that needs to be done before I can do anything. She said okay, she said I would like notice, or the lines of a notice. I said as soon as I know more I would let her know. I walked out of her office went back got my stuff and walked out. Like I normally do, I don't say a word to no one or to speak of my kids in that place because as I'm finding they are some that like to back stab. There is only one person that I do trust, she is much older than me and it's not even a boss she's another massage therapist that works three days that I do. So here's were I stand I've done no talking I've done my work and have left the building sometimes without saying a word to my boss. What gets me is there is no privacy to any thing that any one says or does. Even when one of my co-workers is pissed off at the boss I don't go running to her every time they've had some snide remarks made about her. As far as I'm concerned they that like to talk need to make sure she's not on the other side of the door. That would be a worse case for some of them.

I've come along way from my previous jobs, the knowledge of who to trust and who not to trust and when to leave a situation. I've done it all, maybe it's just time for me to find something else to do besides letting other people in. I know how to close up real fast and it's just what I've been doing, here at this job. I know that no harm will come to me as long as I don't let it. And that's the way I will continue with this job that I've got, let no one in and no one get to close to me. And that's including the one's that own the business she had asked me if I were ready for the holidays and about my kids I said that J and C are doing well, and for the holidays I didn't imply too much on. It's best to leave that subject alone for a while.

This sure has turned into an interesting post, I've got a few things to do and a chapter for bible study tonight that I've neglected to read. So I'm off to do that and a few loads of laundry. May each and every one of you have a good week and pray that nothing bad happens.

Rough Waters

2006-10-27T10:25:00.000-07:00
I really shouldn't say rough waters, that's where I feel myself being at. I don't like it not one bit, who says life has to be full of peaches and cream? I did receive a letter from my insurance company, found Mrs. Attitude to be at fault. Thank goodness! I'm not taking any dents or any other scratches that my boys have put on there. I do have a funny picture to post one of these days. When life throws you lemons, you make lemon aid. Now if it where that simple. I did get sent home from work early because we were very, very slow. Didn't need me today. I think it's time to finish up that studying that I've been doing.

The only call that I did receive, was from Hawaii same one that I had applied to back in July of this year. He called me yesterday and asked if I was still interested in part time work? As of right now I'm not sure if I want it. It's another commute, pay more than likely will suck! Not what I need right now. As it is I'm walking on egg shells with my suv, even though I've had the trany and oil looked at. I'm still good for another 20,000 miles. Just got to change the oil a little more often.

As of right now I'm taking everything in stride. I'm tired, stressed and I'm not liking this whole thing very much. At times I wish I didn't take this darn job. But I had no choice it was either this or go back working at another store. I would rather not. I'm tired of being pushed and knocked around, all I wanted was to be able to afford a new auto, which isn't going to happen this year and I'm sure it will be another three years before I get one. As it is the commute, is stressing me out to no end. C was late for catching the bus on Monday in turn made me 7 min late for work. I don't like the way things are turning out.

There is so much I want to say, but the words and phrases, are just not coming out the way I want them to. I feel overwhelmed and wanting to scream yell and let everyone know that I'm feeling very let down. And if I could change careers right now I would do it. As I've stated I'm almost ready to take the test again for the school dis. That way I know I've got a stable job. I'm sure things will get better it takes time. I have made more than one fresh start this year, so far I've taken each step and made it better. I've taken the bad with the good, enjoyed each gift that has been given to me. Whether it was a weekend retreat or The Women's of Faith Conference. Each one has given me a new hope, to not give up to keep moving forward.

I've beaten myself up in this post, and I know life is full of ups and downs. I'm grateful for the things that I do have. I do have lots of love and respect for those in my life. And being it Friday, I sure do hope my weekend and yours will be a time to enjoy family and friends, to make plans and if it's snowing go out and have a snow ball fight with your kids. We're still in the 80's out here and my allergies are still bothering me. Ugh!

I Give UP!!!!

2006-10-17T23:10:00.000-07:00
I'm in a very pissy mood tonight, and it doesn't help that my pay also sucks! I'm to the point of selling my soul to the devil. Any one interested? I've had my fair share of running head to head with a boss that doesn't care how the hell you get treated, only to please clients give me a break will ya! She could go back wherever the hell she came from, because Cali don't need someone as rotten as her! I'm sorry when it comes to min. Wages such as $6.75 and your not getting paid what your worth you might as well quit while your ahead. And yes I'm still looking for a new job either that, or stick it out until I can afford renting my own space. And that's where I'm running into a brick wall. One I don't have enough money or the clientele to actually start my own business. Two I was hoping to wait a few years, before I went on that path just to make sure I had enough money to start up my own business.

So that's where I'm at, stuck between a wall and a rock. Just great!! And we just got one more expensive bill to pay. Just what I wasn't looking forward to. Oh and another thing I need to get my trany in my suv serviced the transmission fluid is turning a purpleish color any darker and it will need to be done sooner than December. Can it get any worse? I hope the hell not! Because if it does I will be punching something. As far as I'm concerned we either need to find a transfer or I really need to be finding a new profession. Any ideas?

Tuesday 10-17
Here's my pet peeves about working out of town, one traffic two the doctors that CH goes to is on the other side of town. So today being the loving wife that I am, after work I head over to the doc's to pick up his prescription. Mind you I'm not the best in parking side to side with two cars on each side of me, I'm so use to backing up and parking. Today of all days, I had to go it was busy. Of course they are doing construction work and I have to go around to get to the entrance. Pulling into the parking lot was simple finding a place to park wasn't so simple while driving very slowly, and watching other cars make fouls of themselves. I've stopped just to see if this car was either going to turn or go forward, what does she end up doing? Hitting me in left side of my bumper she motions me to follower her so we can exchange insurance, and all that good stuff, she then has the nerve of say well it's your fault! And Oh your husbands name is on this suv!?! Excuse the living hell out of me! I said in a very nice tone of voice yes I drive this. And the insurance is in both of our names. I help pay the fing bills just like every working mother out there. Of course I didn't say all those words. I wasn't upset like she was and I was very calm a little shaken up. All I could think of is Oh My God I've been hit! And she is telling me it's my fault? Sorry lady but your bumper marks and tire marks are on my suv. If it were me, that hit her the damage would have been a lot worse.

Make matters even more worse, CH tells me if it was you that hit her well there goes our insurance, just great something else to add to our finance difficulties, not that there is much of one at the moment then again, I still don't have a retirement. So when I got home, I called my insurance back after they had called the house, and this is before I got home and done loving wife good deed of picking up the med. I call our insurance tell them exactly what happen even went to the extent of taking a pic. Now since I'm pretty new to using a camera phone haven't gotten use to saving pictures on it yet. The picture that I did take, I didn't save it and now it's no where to be found! I told the rep. What had happened told him if I was the one that hit her I would've done more damage than just a baseball size dent in her car. As I looked closer her tire marks are on my suv and so is her bra marks from her car is on my suv. If I had hit her with my suv would not be drivable, I've seen what people have done to their auto's. She was coming from my left side, and I was in front. If she was paying attention to her driving instead of her cigarette and turn signal she would have seen I was sitting there waiting for her to make up her blasted mind!

As of right now I'm not doing all that great, I've got one more thing on my mind that keeps playing like a broken record. Not a good thing right now I threw away half of my dinner away tonight and ended up finally crying over this situation. And her telling me it's my fault! When I've got the proof on my suv that it wasn't. The rep asked me if I needed a rental for the dents in my suv? I politely said no I don't it's had it's fair share of dents and other objects thrown it's way. I don't need any repairs. I'm sure the lady in her car will want hers done. Mine just needs a good washing, :D.

To me it's just a auto, I know it can be replaced. Us humans are not replaceable, it's nothing to get mad about it's fixable. She just didn't catch on that I wasn't up set, pissy or in a stark raving, anger fist fighting b@$%# mood. I was very nice, the whole time. She just didn't seem to freaken care, just goes to show that some people care about their f'ing cars than their freaken life!! give me a break! I've got family that cares about me and friends that depend on me, when things seem so out of touch. I go to the one with an open heart and mind, and even though it's been hard to find time to read his word, I know he's always watching me. And if she thinks that I'm a bad driver or younger than what I look so be it! Her marks are on my truck as proof she did it! And I watch her do it! I forgive her for what her thoughts maybe of me. At least no one got hurt, just a little shaken up from it.

I will leave you all with this thought:
One of the most wonderful things about
knowing God is that there's always so much
more to know, so much more to discover.
Just when we least expect it. He intrudes
into our neat and tidy notions about who
He is and how He works.
Joni Eareckson Tada

Thank You To All

2006-10-04T21:38:00.000-07:00
This is a big thank you, for all the well wishes that have been sent my way. It's been a harsh week, mixed with back problems and C being switched to a different school, that he had attended the last two years. And having one upset teacher over it hasn't been easy to deal with. There has been a few questions, that have come up along the way, neither one have of them have been answered yet. Sorry it's been a little hair pulling over in my corner.

So here's the answer to the 1st question that, I've not been able to answer and hopefully blogger will be an angel while I upload a pic. This is the little bird that gets caught in the line of fire of a hunter, and since I grew up on a farm they are very common in the country, very seldom you will see these little birds in the city. They are very common to this part of the world, and South America.

Now the answer to the 2nd question, it took about a five days for my back to heal. My second trip to the chiropractor office, his secretary put electrons on my back, left them there for 10 minutes, which helped with my second adjustment. As for my work that evening, I took my time in doing my massages, each client was very understanding. By the time I got home from work, I was tired and a little sore. I should've taken my heating pad with me. It could have been a lot worse, ribs are nothing to mess around with. You learn with time, that you can't rush around and worry over every little thing. It takes time for your body to heal, in my case it took me a while. And I had a few extra hands that helped out.

Okay that's enough, of my soap box talk! So what was it that CH was talking about? That's right. I was invited to a Women's of Faith Conference and concert all in one. I had such a good time. It's not often that I've gone to something like this, The gals from my church go once a year. Next year it's going to be in the Bay Area, we're not going the traffic is a lot worse than going to Sac. I wasn't even planning on going, I had totally forgot that this past weekend was the Conference, I was planning on going shopping with my handsome boys. (Remember I've got three):D, So how did I end up with a ticket to such an event? I walked C to his classroom and being it p.j. day I came home picked up his p.j.'s and went back. K had a bit of surprise for me, that I didn't even know about. She asked if I had any plans for this weekend I said not that I know of except for some shopping. I didn't let on that I had that to do. Well now you do, the gal that was suppose to go, her Asthma has been serve and couldn't make it to the Conference. So I ended up going in her place. So I called CH told him that I was invited to this Women's of Faith Conference, and K will be picking me up in the morning. He didn't mind, he was glad that I went and so was I.

After one hell of a week, I guess you can say we both needed a spiritual lift. We've been dealing with a lot. She has been losing sleep over this situation, and even though she knows it's out of her hands, and it's my child that I'm dealing with. She got so use to having him there in her classroom always giving her hugs, smiling with his blue eyes. It's hard to let go of any child, when you've worked so hard in getting him back on track. It only took her nine days, of work but it was worth all the energy that she had to get him to learn. My Saturday was spent laughing, crying and singing and just having a good time. We both realized we needed this badly. There were about 10 of us from our church that went, there were so many other churches there from all over the state. Some came as far as Nevada to be there, it was such a blessing to be invited. I wasn't even going to attend, I didn't even ask to go because I've missed a few bible study classes and the money was due back in July. So I didn't even ask, there has been so much going on. That it just skipped my mind. Each speaker was amazing there are no words to describe the energy that was flowing through the building it was awesome.

One of the highlights of the Conference was Dr. Phil had walked his wife off stage. The crowed just went crazy everyone was cheering, clapping and standing obviations. And by the way he does have a bald spot right on the top of his head. She has a book out I didn't buy it, there will be other chances to buy it, her book I'll pick up at a book store or borrow it from someone that went with us. So it's not something I have to have. I've got enough reading material to last me for quite a while. From my bible study class, to studying for a test that I really need to think about taking again since I didn't pass it the first time around. I don't know which way my path will go. I know I'm not in control of it, I've got to keep moving forward. Look back and say I've done all that I could, and learn from it.

I did let K know that he was doing really well, at the school he attended for the last two years. I know it's not easy for any parent or teacher that loves kids. She felt relieved when I told her that he did really well yesterday, before bible study had started she felt relieved. Even though it's not easy for any of us, right now I'm praying for changes I'm also know it's not easy to change things. This school district can not continue to do what they are doing to students and their parents.

It's funny how life can bring you to different events, that you don't know what to do about. And for me, I'm happy that I got to enjoy a Conference, and my first Concert that I've ever been to. The name of the group that was there, was Avalon. Let me just say they are one awesome Christian group. I couldn't go in the past due to work, school and this year, was just a sweet unknowing blessing. For some reason I needed to be there, and god saw a way of me going. And I'm glad that I went, a day with no kids. There were a few babies, that must have been a few months old. It was a good day.

As many of you know it's also Breast Cancer awareness Month, this means us women get our breast check. I know many of us will say yah I'll do it when I get older. Or I'll do it when I have the time. Or I'll get them check when the kids are at school. Or the big one. I'll do it when I find a change. I'm sorry to say there are a lot of young ladies out there that are coming up with breast cancer, the youngest so far 18 yrs old. I've been through mammograms, needle biopsies, and surgeries. And doesn't change the fact that I still check every month. I've done myself exam for this month. So next month I'll check myself and if I find anything, I'll give a call to my doctors. I still have one more surgery later this year, or the beginning of next and I'll be very happy to have it finally done. I'm praying that I don't have to go through any more needle biopsies, I will continue my breast exams. If you know of someone that is a survivor, let them know that you are thinking of them. And if you are at that age or know someone that should get their breast check, there are programs that will give free breast examinations.

I know this is an overwhelming post, and it's taken me a while. I've been a little on my back again today I'm not sure what is going on. I know that taking time off of work is hard to do. I've received a memo at work stating that we are not allowed to call work just say I'm not coming in today, because I'm not feeling well. So I know I've really got to start back to studying again, so I can get the benefits that I need and take time off of work when the kids have a day off. The only thing I've got to worry about is having a baby sitter at hand just for that reason. Hopefully every one that comes across my place will have a good week. Again thank you for the well wishes and the funny comments, and no it wasn't from lifting any of CH's hunting mags. He's a good sport though.