Farewell to Massage Envy

I have talked with Ch about me quitting my job, we both feel it is high time. There is another Massage Envy that recently opened up after today's talk with my Lead Therapist I'm done, I will be putting in my two week notice tomorrow, I would have put it in writing today while I was at work since there is too many eyes I felt that coming home was the best way to do it. I'm not sure what to tell any of my clients, I feel I have none left in the last three weeks my work has been very slow. Too many Massage Therapist have been hired in the last month, and with so many of us there is no need for me. I feel my work is not as good as other therapist, so in turn I have nothing to show for what I have done. I knew my time was coming I was hoping to last into the third week into April, we both feel that it is time for me to quit. Our computers have been acting up since Friday night, the owner does not care about who works on our systems in turn we have some goofball of a massage therapist who thinks he knows every thing. In turn has screwed our computers, another reason why I'm quitting. No more commuting I can cook breakfast for my boys, and continue to baby sit.

As for my schooling I have gotten two A+, one in my previous class and in my current class. I feel this is my reward of turning a tide, I am scared of the unknown I know I'm taking my chances in every thing that I'm doing right now. For now the Lord is my guiding light, his arms is what carries me through my toughest days. I may not like what my Lead Therapist may say to me when I go back to work on Friday and I could careless, she started it I'm finishing with so many unwanted comments I could have told her off yesterday, I did not want to be fired today. I feel that if they do not want to stick up for their massage therapist then there is no use of working for a company that does not care. This place of work has taught me a lot since I've been with them for year and half, I should have listened a long time ago do not work for someone that you do not know the company well enough to work for.

The good thing that came out of it was getting a new suv, I feel that is my only reward out of this whole mess. I will call my insurance to let them know to take Massage Envy off, put down my business name down. I do have a chance of getting extra credentials towards my massage career I have to find out how to get there and to see if I will be able to get the time off of work I'm sure there will be other classes to take, once the dust settles. Right now my work is unsettled I feel it every time I walk into the building wondering if there will be enough work for me, or will I get the call we do not need you today, we're putting you on call so that our other new hires gets the work. They told all of us that they would not put the older one's on call, only the new one's they have lied to us.

For some reason my heart is not heavy burden this time around, for some reason I'm feeling pretty good about quiting. I'm not sure why, I haven't felt this reassurance in a long time. What ever the reason behind it, I'm not going to question it. I'm just letting every thing be as it should, being left alone let it take care of itself there is nothing I can do about. There will be other jobs, there will always be a place for Massage Therapy, it is one of those careers once you learn it you can not forget it. There is other writing projects that I want to write about, for now I wanted to let my readers know I doing good. And I can not wait for my two weeks to be up, I'm going to work on getting my weight down before summer vacation. In the mean time may you all have a wonderful Easter.

Couldn't find a title

I know it has been a while since my last post, life has thrown us another curve ball. We had our I.E.P meeting last Tuesday, I was very late for work; Since our meeting went into over time. Ch stayed until 12:30 he was late getting to his class, but it was worth it. So what came out of the meeting? A bunch of Fucking Bull Shit! C's counselor through the county is getting fired from the I.E.P team why because she is got on my last Fucking nerve! We called this meeting together to discuss a group home that C can get into without feeling as if he will gone forever we just need to get him some help. His behaviors have take an up ward spiral, C had kicked another student in the stomach the week before our I.E.P meeting, he was taken out of the classroom because his behaviors skyrocketed where he was being unsafe in the classroom. C was brought back into the class room on Monday of this week, Ellen (not her real name) was there in listening to the reports of C's outburst, do you think she would budge and say you win, we will find placement for him. Oh Hell NO!! Instead I've got another outsider coming in from a company called Seneca, a little more advanced then our last helper that we had, the difference they don't accept gifts from families. Nor do they offer any respet care, so we are back to square one. Which means our cries have gone unheard. Because That bitch in the corner doesn't give a damn who my son hurts as long as she gets a pay check! I compared his behaviors from his previous outbreaks they are the same nothing has changed except the dosage of his meds.

Oh gets worse from here, I'm already pissed off from earlier because they finally got someone to do some in home help. I'm not sure if I should trust this company because C is still acting out, he has his moments but it's not enough to keep anyone safe from his temper of throwing a fist at you or kicking you when he is in one of his rages. So Ellen decides to up their hours to 10 hours per week, I'm sure what that will do because we have done every thing that is ever asked of us. So Tuesday before Ellen leaves she gives Henry (not his real name) a video recording of the Super Nanny. It didn't take long for the boxing gloves to be moved from Ch to me real fast, we were throwing punches left and right she didn't know what to do. After Ch was done asking her how long will it take for someone to realize C is a danger to himself and to others when someone lands in the hospital is that what it will take? She didn't look at us She told Henry that He would be at our house three days a week. Let's see here if I'm off to school on Wednesday's because I need a higher education to get a decent paying job, so that night is out. So that leaves Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday's. I have a book that I requested through Sac county, I pull that sucker out I had Ellen running for the nearest door. I told her in front of every one in the room I should have went with my gut instinct and had a layer present at today's meetings. She didn't like that one bit. Hell I don't give a damn, we've dealing with the shit for 2 years it's about time some one takes some kind of action before he ends up hurting some one really bad.

This past Monday C gave Henry and his helper that came with him, because she had some questions for me about C's behavior and what we have done for him in the last 2 yrs. It's a good thing that I don't throw important stuff out. Or take it off the fridge, I explained that we have had rules in placed for the last 2 yrs, we have tried the token broad, sticker board, it has gone as far as me boxing up his toys. Which I have to take out of his room when I have a spare moment, about 2 hours into the meeting with Seneca C showed them what he is like during the times that I'm usually doing dinner. C gave them a run for their money. I'm just not talking about running from me when he's done something bad, I'm talking about throwing the f word, the b word and every other word he can get of his little mouth. C gave Henry a kick, hit him with a stick, told him to got to hell, spit on him. Took both grown adults to hold one child down, which lasted for 2 hours on Monday evening, I didn't say a word, due to the fact that I know what he can do. His actions are not pretty but when it comes to those who are new in C's life you better be able to move fast and quick, because C can change in three seconds flat, I've timed him. They realize that we weren't kidding. C has issues, his mind of a 4 yr old doesn't help either, in the meantime I've got this program telling me what I should be doing for him. Excuse me but I've been through this before, I know what my son is capable of doing. If it weren't for me getting a hold of my angle from Advanced Kids, to come over in her spare time and discussing what I should do, like boxing up his toys, or not letting him outside when there is no adult supervision.

So Tuesday I get a call from Henry, while I'm driving home from work, tells me that I should not let C have any toys, or out of my site while C is outside. So I told him that you know I've done that already he doesn't have anything to play with, we have another lock on the door, I've had to undue our garage door several times. And further more if I have to hold him down or if he runs away I'm calling the police with a 51-50, maybe then it get the point across this mom is through playing games! By that time his phone was cutting out, he would be picking up C on Thursday after school. We'll see how long this lasts. I'm not counting on anything good coming out of this, hell I need sleep! So that's where we stand a bitch that doesn't care a group that is coming to realize that we weren't lying. And rules that don't seem to do anything but everyone more pissed off by the minute. He also had the nerve of asking how C was after they had left went to bed without any problems, the first time I've seen him this tired since the end of summer.

Needing to Vent

Boy isn't that the truth! I'm getting to the point my job is not work my time or money. And I'm not talking aobut baby sitting either, at this point I would rather work with children. They may not like having some one tell them what to do, at least they don't find a way of getting you fired, and to all of my readers if I have any left; How the hell do you tell your supervisor that one of your co-workers are trying to get some one fired because she does not like him? I really HATE MY JOB!! It's not a fun place to work, it has became a place that I pretend that doesn't exsist but that is hard to do. Further more I am not their freaken MAID!! I do the work because no one will do it, the receptionist could careless about hot towels that we sometimes use. Hell if one more thing goes wrong between now and when I put in my two week notice in, I swear to God I'm going to sream. There is nothing worse than having to with some one who can't leave other people alone, the only reason why she leaves me alone because I'm just one that does what she wants and not talk to any one about anything. Hell my work is full of Bull shit, I was asked for my insurance I told her that I would bring it in. Hell I should just hand her a two week notice along with my insurance and see what they say.

I'm pretty sure they would be better off without me, they don't need me for anything, except to work on their so called clients I'm so wanting to throw in the towel and just give them what they want, for me to quit. I'm not settling for them to win me back so they can offer me more money they should have done that from the very beginning, in the past six weeks my tips have been 5 to 15.00 tips. No 20.00 like I got back in the fall and winter, Ch was not pleased counting out what I have made in two weeks, as the saying goes good things comes to those who paitiently wait. I believe that whole heartedly, I know it's not easy on him. At least we make each other smile even on bad days. It may not be easy for me being here by myself, at least all the doors are locked, both boys are in bed, and my homework for this week is done. Tomorrow night is school. On thursday I'll start my next homework assignment, that way if I have nothing to do at work I can take my lap top and note pad start on my next assignment, even though I don't have internet access I can start putting ideas down on paper, then transfer it over to the computer.

Ch's work will be getting another lead worker to the crew, which is great. That way I can finally have my hubby home in the evenings for two months of days, then two months of nights. Which will be a lot easier on me and the boys. That way when I've got a major assignment I can get it done without being bugged every so often of MOOM!! C is hitting me again or J won't let me have a game or whatever the case may be. At least we will have our evenings back again, I haven't really thought about getting another job after quitting this one, I'm pretty happy of child sitting and going to school, my main focus is getting through everything with paitence, faith and happiness. Sure I'm stressed out right now it's not easy having to deal with work, kids and school at least it's not like I'm not getting paid. Tomorrow I will finally get paid for all the hard work I've been doing. The only commute I will have is to school, shopping and doctor appointments, that I've neglected to make for myself.

I have found something in my eye I'm not sure what it is, I thought it was a piece of fuzz flooting around in my eye, so I took a q-tip to it, I found it's part of my eye where the blood vessels are. I have worn glasses since my first year of high school, so I know that this not normal. I'm closely watching my eye for any discoloration, or any type of loss of vission. I know I should not wait, when there is no money and my children have been going through growing spurts lately I have to put my needs asside. I have told Ch about it, there is nothing we can do about it at the moment, my eyes and my whole well being is very important to me. For now I'm going to wade this out for a little while. I know I shouldn't when there is hardly any money I can not afford to not items that are needed such as gas, food and whatever else we tend to run out of before our next paychecks. At least we have eachother, family is important to us, we have been invited out to dinner on Saturday with Ch's parents for dad in laws birthday, I told Ch that we should go. I'm praying that my work picks up on Thursday and friday, that way we can go out to dinner with them.

I have been up early this morning, I came home from work not feeling well. Ch just pulled up 4:45 comes mighty early I need my sleep. May you all have a good week.

Gone Too Long

Just a short post to let you know, we are doing okay. We still have a lot of work ahead of us, we are in the process of getting the help we need for C, I just pray that it will be soon. This past Friday was my sister in laws 5 years of being clean, she is very proud of what she has accomplished. We also bought a new computer to replace the one that died on us, I will get to your all of your bloggs as soon as I can figure out how to upload them. Most of the ones that I read are private or on Ch's list of ones that he reads. In the meantime may you all have a blessing of a week, my blog is here to stay. I have too many posts to delete, and the hearteche of leaving here would be too much. I have made a lot of friends through here I'm not about to shut down any time soon. I will change my background when I get the chance. For now Good Night.

Birthday Thoughts

Today would have been my mom's 65th birthday, if she was still here today all three of us would find a way of getting together or waiting until the weekend to take her out to dinner. She would make her cake and decorate it with home made frosting, how I remeber her cakes her frosting was to die for. She wouldn't ask anything of us just as long as we were happy and healthy, that's all she cared about. Never asked for anything special just lots of hugs and kisses from her three kids. She wouldn't mind a bottle of Lady Stetson, to this day I can't walk by a bottle of that and not think of her. So here's to you mom I know you would like this song as much as I do.

Reba M.
I'll Be
When darkness falls upon your heart and soul
I'll be the light that shines for you
When you forget how beautiful you are

I'll be there to remind you
When you can't find your way
I'll find my way for you

When trouble comes around
I will come to you

I'll be your shoulder when you need someone to lean on
be your shelter when you need someone to see you through
I'll be there to cary you through

I'll be there I'll be the rock that will be strong for you
The one that will hold on to you
When you feel the rain falling down
Where there's nobody else around

I'll be

And when you're there with no one there to hold
I'll be the arms that reach for you
And when you feel your faith running low

I'll be there to believe in you
When all you find are lies
I'll be the truth you need

When you need someone to run to
You can run to me
I'll be the sun
When your hear's full of rain
I'll be the one
To chase the rain away

I'm still here just getting my schooling figured out, too much at once. I'm back to baby sitting tonight and trying to work on my paper for school, after losing power all day Friday and most of the morning on Saturday, I'm very behind in blogging and writing my paper. I'm not sure what to really think of going back to school, right now I'm feeling overwhelmed and under pressure since Friday. Due to the power being out, I couldn't look up any information for my paper. And today was the first day that I finally got the chance to find all kinds of reading for it.

So my question to you my readers, if I have any left since I started this blog two years ago. How do you cope when things are out of your hands? How late should I be staying up to get my work done. I'm not someone who likes to stay up late, and try to get up early, I like to get up and be on time for work, none the less my paper is due on Wednesday before class by 6 p.m. The only thing that is saving me right now is having Wednesday's off so I can do my work, correct any thing that needs to be corrected and send it off email wise. Every school is different, every teacher and subject are different. At least I'm feeling somewhat proud of going back to school, not many of us get such a chance, or we just aren't able to find time or the money to do so.

One of the hardest parts of returning back to school, is being away from J and C I'm always been there for them when they need something and now I'm not but I also know this is the best way of getting ahead. I'm tired of small paychecks and having to worry if I have enough tip money to pay on my truck payment. Taking this step was a big challenge for all of us, not knowing the outcome is a little scary. Many times I have wanted to call my guidance counselor and see if she had any ideas of how to get out of my job fast even though I just started school. It's not easy working on commission I don't get to make my own hours I have to be there when they say, and since I took vacation which isn't often my paycheck was very small 238.48 small. Then having it rubbed in my face by one of my co-workers that she took home $140.00 in tips last week, I felt very small and empty inside. I wanted to just walk out and never show up there again, I didn't need that, I didn't want to hear what I had missed out.

My family came first my nerves couldn't take much more, the whining, complaining of other therapist. And how that she seemed better than me, she doesn't have kids or a husband she doesn't know what it's like being a mom, or a wife for that matter she's 35 yrs old and still single, I can see why not very admired for what she's done in her life nor the fact that there is more to life than just going out drinking every other weekend or she has enough to spend. Hell it must be nice to live that kind of life! It was either spend some time with the family or work, you took what you needed; And missed out on the pay, not to mention that we had to turn clients away because we were so booked.

The only day that we were busy was on New Years eve, we are and always remain closed on New years day. I guess it was kind of selfish of me taking so much time off of work. I took the Christmas eve, the day after Christmas and Friday, Monday and went back to work on Thursday. I'm to the point I don't care any more about my job, I'm so sick of what is either being done, or being said about other people that I can't find a quiet spot for me to relax and focus on what is important to me. I'm praying that some how I will find a positive way out of my situation without feeling, that I'm letting my clients down by not being at work.

May this year bring me blessings and hope along my journey, to whatever lies ahead for me. And may the right doors be opened, may the one's that I've journeyed through be closed without me feeling guilty or hurt that I may find peace every thing that I do.

Conversations And Other Stuff

Maybe it should read TMI, of course there is other things, that sisters and brothers should not share with one another. My loving brother who I'm very close with has been calling me a lot lately, he's finally got himself a cell phone one that he can actaully call me on. And one that I hope that he can keep. So any way here's what our blushing conversation went.

Brother - Hey Sis what's going on?

Me - Nothing much getting dinner done.

Brother - I've er got something to ask you, that I can't ask any one else. (My thoughts oh great don't tell me about your sex life, because I'm not interested in it).

Brother - Are you still there?

Me - Yes. Okay go ahead and ask....or dare I want to know.

Brother - Have you ever.....um.....shaved your neither regions?

Me - OH MY GOD I don't believe your asking me this question, this is one thing you just don't share with your sister!

Brother - It's one question you just don't ask your best friend because he's a guy, and I couldn't ask him for his opinion...I had to ask you.

Me - Okay here's the deal...if I tell you....YOU better not say another word to me about this,

Brother - Oh this is cool! I've finally gotten you out of your box. My thoughts my own brother has gotten me good! Well are you going to tell me?

Me - Yes I have are you happy Now!?! Since you've got me blushing let me just say my brother was very proud of himself, he was laughing thought it was pretty good. To say the least I told him the truth he asked if it's suppose to burn? Okay you know something this is not my favorite subject Brother - I know isn't it great your finally opening up? Oh hell!!... I use to.... not any more too many infections. Now I just shave my bikini line, I hope your happy for getting me all flustered Brother - Yes very happy. My thoughts your lucky you don't live close someone was getting some ice in a bag under the covers. Brother - Is it suppose to burn? So your pain eh LOL! Okay that's uncalled for. To say the least I wanted to crown my brother; We talked about how his new girl friend and him were getting along, and how his work was going. Just the regular every day stuff. He finally talked to our sister and my God Mother who isn't all that well, at least she is moving along pretty well for a 92 yr old.

After lots of thinking and praying I've decided to return back to school, they don't have any day classes, only evening I've got two people in mind. I'm sure that this will work out and I can move on to bigger and better challenges. For some reason I love a challenge I also like to take chances of doing things that get me motivated in the right direction. So I'm going to start back to school on Dec 19Th. My orientation is on Dec 13Th, which is just right around the corner. I'm excited yet a little nervous of going back, I know this will be good for me, and hopefully when the time is right I can go back into massage therapy, and find a school that is not so costly.

This has been sitting on my computer for a week yikes! I had it all figured out put boys to bed finish and head to bed myself, as some plans do fail at times at least I've finally got a post that isn't three weeks delay. As soon as I get this baby sitting thing in order and hopefully that will be soon, I'll be posting a little more.

Where To Begin

Yes those who are still here, it's been a crazy week; And feeling the pinch of how the hell did I get into this mess in the first place? And now I've put a forbearance against my student loan because I don't make enough to pay the damn bill, because my boss has decided not to give me a raise after being there for a year, oh you get a shirt instead, that won't pay my truck payment that won't help buy my boys shoes they need, that won't help with our house payment that just went up a hundred dollars this month; Hell I should have thought this through a lot more than I did. The only light that has actually seeing us through if it works out, is babysitting we'll see how long I can keep up with it, without losing my Patience with C. She's a friend of mine we lost contact a few years ago. My wonderful friend said she couldn't do it because she makes too much. She asked me if I was willing to help out? So I've got two girls along with J and C. We do need the extra income the only thing is I'll have to claim this money on my taxes, I'm getting paid through the county.

The thin light to this situation is possably going back to school again, the only problem with that is finding the time, money and praying for a miracle, without nothing going wrong. Hell I've had it a lot worse than this, that's one memory that I have never shared with any one, the only people that know is my brother and my sister we feel it more this time of year. I'll just leave the rest alone. So any way back to my forbearance loan when I was talking to the customer service rep, she said that it will be for 1 yr, so I don't have to pay anything the only thing that would help a lot is for me to go back to school asap, even though the loan is inactive the default will turn itself around saying that I'm a student trying to make a better life for her family.

So here's my question to any one that has ever done this before, so what college should I be looking into? One that will take ungodly time to get through or one that will help finding a job in less than a year? Any suggestions would help. Right now Massage Therapy this time of year sucks big time, at least I was working during Thanksgiving weekend. Having three appointments and all of them are either five dollar tips or on the cards it doesn't help, most of us live off of our tips when our paychecks are gone. That's were I'm standing right now, of course it doesn't help that I'm taking a much needed break at the end of this month so I can clear my head without feeling more stressed out than I am feeling right now.

I would look for a new job right now which is imposable, I mean anything can change at work they could have me booked solid or it could stay the same. Even though one of Ch's old crew members asked me if I was willing to work up in Napa at a place that I had applied sevarel months ago, I would if the price was right, I'm not traveling up there when she wants to pay me $7.00 an hour the same is what I'm making now. And if the tips are anything like I'm getting at this place it wouldn't be worth the drive, traffic, and gas, I should be bringing home more than $453.02 that was my last paycheck. Hell yes it could be a lot worse, I can't even go down to my uncles house who doesn't live too far from me, every time I call him he wants to know when I'm coming to see him. I tell him soon, I know that's not good enough which hurts me a lot for telling him that. He's the one that helped my mom out when us kids were little.

Every thing happens for a reason, hell maybe a second time in going back to school will be better than the first. If I can figure out a way of paying for the classes, right now I'm feeling very stressed one minute I feel hungry the next, I'm not wanting anything to eat; This has happen before, when I get like this or I want to cry, pray, scream with rage and feeling as if I'm being tortured of Christmas Past. That's one memory I don't want my boys to ever have, I will not beg my mother in law for money we did that last month, because we didn't have enough to pay our house payment lucky for us dad doesn't know unless mom told him. Praying she didn't.

Praying for happy, peaceful thoughts and may I find my path that lead me to more of peace that I'm feeling right now.

I've Turned 2!

And I rather be hanging out here instead of being at work, I'm having issues at work and I'm not sure if I want to continue being a massage therapist. It's starting to make me mad and very disappointed in this company it's more of my colleagues than the company. I work for Massage Envy at first I thought it was a really good job, after a while I'm not all that sure of how I really feel about this company, and they are based in AZ. And right now I'm having negative thoughts on how the location that I'm working at is not the greatest. I can not transfer out because they have already denied me of that, because I don't have issues with any of my co-workers I get along well with my clients that come in and see once in a while. I'm not even sure what is in store for me, whatever my future may hold may it be a positive out look and not what I'm doing now. I've learned a lot from working here not enough to get me out, they don't offer continuing education course which I have to look into for my insurance policy. Even then it's a lot of money to keep that up. Right now I'm sticking this out until we get our taxes done, if there is enough money for me to go back to school, any school I'm very seriously going to look at a different career path, one that I won't have to stress over.



Besides writing posts on just about every thing, any thing, and having a place that I can vent has really helped in a lot of ways, I and Ch haven't really fought since I started my blog just a little over a year ago. Sure we've had a few ups and downs, nothing for us to really fight about, how can we? When he works nights and I work during the day, we don't get to see one another all that much, except for dinner with all of us. Either I take dinner to him or I'll have him come home for dinner, it depends on what he's got going on. Or if C decides to throw a temper before we walk out the door to see Ch. Then I'll call him ask him if it's possable for you to come home? C's having a rough evening a temper more like it. I was once asked how I felt about him working evenings? My reply was he's not having issues with his co-workers that he use to work with, his hours may not be ideal for a family like ours, but at least I know he's much happier, sure he misses being home in the evenings, I know it's not what we would always want for now we manage pretty well.



Having to really look at where we have been, and what it's taken for us to get where we are today, just learning that every day is better than the last. Not taking each other for granted is one of the positive steps we have taken, not getting mad over the little stuff that comes up. Even when I happen to leave the laundry sitting on the couch because I'm exhausted from chasing C around the block or it's just been one of those lousy days at work and my head is pounding because someone wore way too much perfume the night before, oh I've had that happen boy stale perfume has an awful smell to it. Sorry if I've offended any of you, I can't wear any of it I'll break out into one massive sneeze fit, my eyes start itching, my nose comes all stuffed up. It's not fun.



Was it tough to write about any thing that I've posted this year? Looking back over my two years of posting many of my writings have been about love, life, and loss. Either way I know it's part of growing you can't change what has happened, but you can at least give yourself enough time and breathing room to coupe. It's not easy to do even in my line of work I have to be careful of how close I get with clients many of them have told they would cancel their memberships because I know what I'm doing. Which is a hard one to swallow, I feel that I would be letting them down, at the same time I know the stress that I've been under is not good. I also know that life is too short for mistakes, learning from them is a better climb to what is in store. I believe whole heartedly that paths will open when I least expect them to, in the meantime I will keep my head up thank god for the good things he has given me, be thankful for the family and friends that I have.

As for J's unkind neighborhood kid, he's finally getting the clue to stay away from each other. J doesn't want to be his friend because of the way he treats him, neighbor kid isn't the type of boy that he needs to be hanging out with. J sees him as a bad influence on C, which is good J doesn't like the way he treats other kids and teachers at school. We'll see what happens after fall break, they got out on Friday, I know here it is Sunday and I'm still working on this post; That's what happens when you've got so much going on and life seems to get in the way.

So what's next for my blog? I'm not really sure at the moment, I'm hoping to be able to post more positive outlooks maybe a little venting now and then. Or just being able to leave it open for suggestions, I wanted to be able to feel again, love again and laugh again. And you know I've done it all. I have become the person that I know I should be, very caring loving and a friend with open arms. Tonight I started baby sitting again, I've done it off and on over the years. And when I walked up to the gals apartment, we already knew one another. She couldn't believe it, here she thought oh no not another stranger! And when she turned around and saw me she was pretty relieved, I took her two youngest girls with me, brought them home. C had so much fun that he actually stayed put for the first time in months. What a blessing for both of us working mom's that know each other. I've known her oldest and middle child when I was working at the store I didn't know she had another little girl. I take them for a few hours that way her oldest will be able to get her chores and school work done, and I take the other two for a few hours a night. I'm glad to be doing something fun for a change instead of having to worry about work.

After working on this for a few days, due to so much activity going on. I'm able to look back and say I managed to get my life back in order, I was the one who found myself very sad, angry and wondering what the hell did I ever do to be treated without respect. Today I'm very happy, very much in love with the man that I married 13 1/2 yrs ago, with two loving boys that I'm proud to have. So Here's to those who say it can't be done, I say it can with lots of help, prayers and self respect. You can do just about anything that life throws at you. May I continue to grow in faith, love, and a woman that is full of life.

I'm Still Here

Not really sure where to start, needing to find the time to sit down and write what is going on. Just haven't had the time. With Ch working nights and me during the day, by the time I get home from work I'm either doing the laundry, cleaning the house, or making sure C doesn't run out the front door without permission, or hitting one of the neighborhood kids. Making sure I don't forget to put in an hour for myself, I've been known to forget about me when things have come up. We're all hanging in there, to say the least there are a few areas that are needing our attention, which I will be posting later this week if not tomorrow night. Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers. That we will get through this situation and J won't be getting himself kicked out of school, just pray for his self control he's back on the perfect attendese again this year. I will post more on this just bare with me; J is very upset right now and praying that he will choose his words and actions wisely.

This is all for now will be back tomorrow evening.

We're All Fine

By the time you all read this, it will be Wed. morning, tonight we had a 5.6 earth quack. At first I wasn't sure until Ch called me and I started to feel some strange movements and J who was sitting on the floor in front of the t.v. said the floor was moving. Ch was on a bridge waiting for openings because someone drove right through the gates on the Mc Colomee bridge. He thought it was a big rig going over the bridge then realized there was no one out there. At first I didn't believe he until I looked my, shandlelear was doing the waltz on it's own. Looked over at our water cooler it was doing the waltz too. J said that felt weird C said oh...was...that an earth shake? I said yes, I called my Godmother she felt all the way down in Turlock, very shallow felt as far as Pollick Pines. Lasted for about 1 min, 3 after shocks were also felt, I felt those 11 different after shocks. Centered near Milpitas at 8:05 p.m. tonight. They are saying continued aftershocks are expected in days to come.

It's very late for me I'm usually in bed. As for my cats one is outside, the other is not venturing outside she is a very nervous kitty right now. Was sleeping on the couch and as soon as C got in the bath and out, she is staying very close to C. Thats all I've got right now, Calaveras Fault is the one that is moving. That is all for now, I'm off to bed.

HAPPY HAllOWEEN!!

My Silence

I haven't told many people, Ch knows we've made jokes about it. Health wise I know that I'm not alone that many women go through this, many have said I'm too young. I haven't really said much about it in the past few years. Because it comes and goes, lately it's been a little worse than other times. I haven't had the chance to do any research, I'm too involved with both boys and no time to really look up any information, I've been told that many women younger than me have not had any children because their bodies seemed work against them. In my case I was very blessed to have two boys when we did, I'm slowly going through a change that is suppose to happen to older women, in their 40's not in their 30's. I'm not letting this awful change get the best of me. I'm learning to keep my tongue in check, I know that this is very important, I can't let every little thing get to me.

There are a few things that I don't like about this, is dealing with mild hot flashes. Yes people I did say that awful word! And not taking it back. Oh and the change of my sex drive, I haven't mentioned any of this in any of my post over the past year, because I thought it would go away on it's own and who was I kidding! At my last appointment back in April of this year, I was talking to my obgyn about my changes. We did a pap found that my body was differently going through what most women go through in their later years. I wasn't sure how to respond to this, I've known for a long time; Not knowing how to come out and say I've got this change and I'm going through and it's bit annoying if you ask me. So basically I've been living in silence not wanting to discuss any of this with any one, to be honest with you all I'd rather not have brought up this subject, but it's gotten to the point that I needed to write about it.

Sure there are times that I think of other kids, then just at that moment J and C start fighting then I realize that, it's better just having our two boys and not another one. I'm thrilled to have my two boys to keep me on my toes and play soccer, go fishing and just being able to enjoy them while they are growing. When I finally realized that these two were going to be it, my mind wanted to scream, I felt numb being told that I was going through the change, I felt like someone had taken the air out of my lungs. I asked my doc how does this happen? I'm young aren't I? This is something that we had talked about a year ago, and now it's caught up with me, and I don't know which was worse having a much needed surgery or having to be told that my body was going through premature menopause. It was like part of me just felt lost, not really sure if this was even happening. I wanted to be left alone, wanted nothing more than to come home and have the house to myself.

I remember coming home and telling Ch I'm fine, my iud is still in place and that my obgyn wants me to start watching my weight little bit closer, since I'm a little bit older. Nothing too serious, that every thing is good. I have to take a multi-vitamin make sure that I'm still eating healthy, which I do. Instead of five days a week she wants me to put in six days of workouts, which I do every other weekend. And to keep up the good work that I've been doing so far, nothing out of the unusual, has happened she did take a look at my breasts to make sure that they were doing good from the surgery that I recently had done. She was glad that every thing came out great that there were no complications. She did stress that I should be working out a little more, about 30 Min's longer than my normal routine. I may end up doing that this fall since it will be useless to try walking during a rain storm. Other wise I'm in pretty good health, part of me was dying inside as I was talking to Ch, we both knew that I was constantly getting sick. But that comes with having kids, if one of them gets sick well your next in line to catch whatever it is that they came home from school with.

So here I am finally letting every one know that I'm letting go of my silence, and that Premature Menopause is no walk in the park, because that's how I've gained weight and now I'm fighting to loose it. With the holidays slowly approaching believe me it's going to be hell for me, I'm not going to let this interfere with my baking. I'll just have to make sure I've got a lot of fruit on hand, lots of ovaltine mix for my milk, that way I won't be snacking on the cookie dough, or anything else for that matter. And watching how much food I put on my plate, doc's orders told me to be mindful and I shall.

My thoughts and prayers have always been very positive, no matter what I've been through and they will continue to do so.

Quietness

It doesn't matter how many times I say I love you, it doesn't matter how many times my heart was broken by C's actions. The love of two parents is what we give each of our boys, since we had found out that C was going to S.F. for two weeks we had a hell of a time getting things ready for this short break. His clothes were packed on Sat. made sure C had everything yesterday today was difficult, a heart breaking task that needed to be done, there was no turning back once papers were signed there was no I can't do this, the strength that I carry I knew would not fail me. Yet deep down I want to scream, yell and say what did I do to deserve this!?! Where did we go wrong. I keep going over every thing from previous months to now; Knowing full well we have tried every thing from getting outside help to come in, more counseling appointments with the county and with Kaiser. Just when I thought that his tantrums were close to coming to an end there was finally a time for me to breath. C's behaviors seemed to get worse, it didn't matter how much of myself or Ch would give C it wasn't enough, he wanted more thrived on more, until we were both worn out. Today I cried I let myself shed tears that have been laid in dormant for too long, tears of every thing that I've been through with C, tears that seemed to shake me that I haven't felt since my own mother died four years ago. Having C not knowing how to react to my crying sitting there on the floor looking at shelves of toys. Sharing a history of pain, hurt, and answers that didn't make any sense. While I was sitting there with Ch and another counselor, it seems as though there have been so many of these in the last two years. And having to tell my story again wasn't easy, this time it took someone with compassion that understood where you were coming from. C kept pushing I and his dad out the door, he didn't want us to be there any longer, we left him there to finish his lunch. His helpers tried to explained to him that he wouldn't be seeing us for a while, that he would be all by himself. C was fine with that, we tried to make him understand that this was where he was going to be, he wasn't coming home with us. Not for a few days.

As we took our leave I prayed that C would be safe and the angles would look after him, he needs those badly and don't we all when times are tough. His counselor directed us to a restaurant that was across the street from the ocean, a very good place to eat if your ever in S.F., not far from the Golden Gate park, we walked around there for a little bit drove a few blocks up from there took some more pics and headed back down the coast. We stopped to take some more pics before heading to the air port to pick the in laws, they came home yesterday from their month long vacation. For me the ocean gives me a sense of renewing strength, it's beauty can over take any surfer if not careful; It was a blessing that it was warm in S.F. usually it's cold and foggy, today we had sunshine a little bite in the air which wasn't bad.

Our first night with out C was tough, out of habit I walked into his room realizing that he's not here. His room may not be neat and tidy, I turned on his light, I can still hear his whining his tempers not far behind. Instead it's quiet, a quiet that I haven't had in two years. Many times I've prayed for peace in my loving home, not like this not with C gone. For the longest time we needed to do something, anything to help him with his behaviors, and outbursts. And with that I pray that he gets the help he needs.

C did call not just once but three times today, once while I was at work, another while I in Sam's club to order a cake for J. The next was late this evening just about the time we were going to call him, he called us instead. C wanted to hang up before I and J had a chance to say goodnight and ask how he was doing, he told me he was scared, and sad. I told him to pray before he hung up. With this I pray that he continues to strive that C will get the help he needs, or at least let this be another step in the direction that will lead to more help for him.

Finally A Post!

It's been two weeks since I've written anything, or read any one. I've been dealing with so much stuff at the moment, that I seem to have less time at the computer; My days are long my evenings are short 4:45 a.m. comes early and I'm hitting the snooze button not a good thing, it's causing a slight problem with C getting up between 6:50 and 7:30 a.m, and why do you ask? because I'm running late leaving the house. Still making it to work on time, but it's also causing me to run into traffic when I leave around 7:10a.m. So with this starting next week I don't care how tired I feel or how much I want to lay in bed I must get up. Other than being a little lazy in the mornings we are doing very well, C is enjoying his new school he is finally getting the hang of how they run things, he's not having any of the issues that made his teachers or staff running for the nearest door. C is coming along really well, still has a few kinks that need to be worked out. Other wise he's good.

J is doing well hasn't missed a day of school yet ( Knock on Wood) he wasn't feeling well allergies had gotten to him, not enough for him to stay home, called his dad to take him so head ache med so he stayed at school. I think he's making up for the times he missed school, I just don't know when he missed a day of school, he's back on the perfect attendance list again. He's learning that asking for help is better than disrupting the class, as found this week got a recess detention for doing just that, Ch got the call yesterday about it, his teacher forgot to call and let us know this so he served his detention yesterday on his birthday. Even though he's a good kid the teachers love him he'll get himself into a little hot water, not all the time just enough to let himself know it's not something to be proud of.

As for me I'm here survived another work which has finally picked, the tips haven't been all that great. A lot of it has to do with kids being back in school again, other wise I'm doing good been under a little more stress than the normal which has scared Ch a little, my blood pressure stays right around 128/78 lately it's risen just a tad bit over that; Not enough to send me to the doc's enough to let me know that I do need to take a much needed break, after seeing my tips not as good as they were over a month ago, I'm taking longer breaks after J and C goes to bed, I'll read for about an hour then I'll turn off the light and go to sleep. We are dog sitting for my in-laws Buddy's staying with us until Oct 1st then he will return back to them, our back yard it's something to be desired, let me just say it's going to need a lot of work sometime in the future.

I've taken a Friday evening when Ch was scanning pictures, and went into the bedroom, C was refusing to lay down and I had to walk out of his room, Ch ended up putting him to bed. I retreated to the bedroom and read, by the time Ch came to see how I was doing I had turned out the light and was dosing off. He said no ice cream? Or any time for us? Well you said to take a break so I did what you told me to do. The stress that I've been under was caused by C, his days at school were good for three days, then all of a sudden he just turned like he's done with other teachers. It was a tough week for all of us, so last Friday I had enough and took a time out for me, I even got a massage last Weds which was really good. She had me asleep on the table it's a tie between her and another Massage Therapist. I'm due for another, and a good adjustment.

It's the little things in life that I look forward to, we have to look for that silver lining no matter how bad we have it. J turned 13 yesterday wasn't happy about the dinner I had made, it seems there are dinners that kids won't touch, or they will just pick at it. At least he did eat it, with some complaints while I was cutting up potatoes and throwing in a few handful of carrots then I ended up over cooking my pot roast. It came out good just a little dry for my liking. It's part of wanting dinner done before 7:00 p.m. so I can make sure C is in bed by 9:00 p.m.

I think I've bored you all to death, I needed to update. There is something I'm not adding to this post. I wanted to leave it for another day, I'm not ready to reveal what it is, we are going out fishing tomorrow, the Salmon are running and we will be out with fishing pols and a lunch on the water rain or shine that's we're we will be. Our family matter will wait, spending time with the family is more important than what we are about to go through. Ch and I are doing very well, J is having a good year and C has his moments.

In the meantime be thankful for what you have, life can be tough. A parents love is all about tenderness, love and strength and if you had a rotten day and the kids are pushing your buttons you only get one chance to love them. On that note go do something fun what ever it may be, that's what we are doing tomorrow.

I'm Really Behind

Okay so it's been a few weeks since my last post, our weekends have been packed with things to do, things to see and places to go. Work has been very slow and I mean slow so far I've gone through two books and I'm now on #3 I'll be through that one in about a week or so if not shorter time. C will be starting school next Monday and we cannot wait! Hopefully work will pick up by then so far it's been pretty boring.

And for the most part having an almost teenager, has been a royal pain in the ass! I tell you as much as I love J he can be a real BRAT! So far this school year is already driving me nuts, I told them that I wanted a medium P.E. shirt they give him an extra large I'm not a happy camper the damn out fit cost me $20.00 and I'm not thrilled he gets stuck with a shirt that's too big! How I hate teachers that don't pay attention, to the size kids need and not the size that they don't need. I swear I'm going to get into it with J's p.e. teacher!

So how's every one else doing, I'll get to yous that I love to read as soon as I figure out home work, house work and dinner.

Saddness And Memories

This month I celebrated my 1 year annivesary at my job, I can't believe it's been a year already we opened up for business on Aug 11, o6. A year later I've seen a lot of changes, and encouragement that comes from being a Massage Therapist, and the heart aches that come with it. Today I received new of a client that worked as a prison guard. She was full of life and blessings, and if you needed to talk she would listen, today I had her co-worker that came in for a massage, she is 28 yrs old has two kids and was a massage therapist. Just out of luck I asked her if she knew a client of mine, she asked the name I told her, she said that she was sorry to inform me that she took her life about a month ago, I was stunned complete shock had raced through my body. I said are you sure? She was my client not long after we opened this place up; She was glad to have me back at work after I came back from medical leave, she missed me very much, and was pleased to know that every thing went well for me. She said that she was busy working o.t. at the local prison. She said that S.Y. was stealing o.t. from the prison she and her long time boyfriend split up about a week before she took her own life. The personel office was looking into why she was steeling o.t. from the prison and take off, while she was still clocked in, she explained to me that her father was still working for another correction facility, while all of this was taken place.

S.Y. was longer allowed to work in the prison area, but was busted down to doing the mail sort, she went on to explain to me that she was facing 5 yrs in the prison if they found her guilty of steeling.

I'm not sure what promt me of asking her how S. J. was doing, I just hadn't seen her in a long time, even though I had S. J's number I wasn't allowed to call her to see if she was okay, I could have taken the time to do it, I could have called her. With work place rules you are not allowed to contact any client outside of the business, because you would be terminated. I just didn't bring myself in calling her.

S. Y was someone with a spunky attituede a hair style that was off the wall, she told me she was blonde but dyed her hair jet black, made me laugh at times when I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. She understood what I was going through with C, and knew that it wasn't easy being a mom to a child with bi-polar, and having him with all the other disabilites that C has. She said hang in there, that everything was going to work out just fine.

It's been six months since I've been back to work, three months since S. Y. has came in for a massage. Today I found out why, she took her own life a co-worker went by her place to see why she hadn't showed up for work, he walked in found her dead on the floor of suicede is what he found her 38 yr old lifeless body a young woman who was following in her dad's footsteps. A woman that wanted nothing more than a weekly massage. A woman who I miss dearly; Even though she weighed more than I did, a little less than my late mom, she knew how to brighten up a room with her wild hair style. She was kind to every one, made you laugh in a moments notice, I was totally taken off guard a few times. S. Y. would say you know if it weren't for your good massages I don't think I could handle my work. I would say if you would take some time off you wouldn't have all these problems. Yea you got a point there but I knew she loved her job, but I don't think she really knew what was best for her.

Her parents came in last week and discontinued her membership, I don't think anyone realized who they were or who their daughter was, I did, and so did my other co-worker that handled her with care while I was out on leave.

This is dedicated to my client, my friend and a loving person who I will miss so much. Thank you for your kindness and love. S. Y. God Bless You!

When the most important things
in our life happen we quite often
do not know, at the moment, what
is going on.
C.S.Lewis

When I saw this yesterday, I didn't realize what I was in for, or how such wise words were being said. Today we got some horrible news C's school is closing it's doors on Aug 24, 07 and will not reopen for the new school year, we are scrabbling to find C placement, the hard part is finding a school or a group home that will cater to his needs. We have made several phone calls that needed to be made, I called my in home helper to let her know what was going on. I called another I.E.P coordinator, just to confirm with her that the news she got today was true. I feel like I'm walking a nightmare or someone Else's dream, all of us are complete utter shock; We barely had an I.E.P meeting and having them aboard was going to be the turning point in C's behaviors, as well as getting him back into a regular functioning classroom. We are all wondering the same thing if they knew about this why didn't they come out and tell us at the meeting, when we had them on speaker phone? Didn't they understand this was one in five chances of getting somewhere with C? We are totally not letting any one off the hook just yet, Ch needs to make a phone call to the Mental Health Department, and let the social worker know what is going on and to be persist an about C being placed where he get the help he needs so he can come home.

We both feel he needs this, his tantrums are not as bad as they were a few months ago, but he still needs to learn how to function in a home that is loving, and caring. He has a hard time with this, there are times he does fine then there are days that he just can't handle the simplest task like cleaning his bedroom, or put away toys. Speaking of toys I worked really hard the weekend that I noticed my eye was acting funny, I cleaned out his bedroom took out all the broken storage containers and a broken toy box out of his room, boxed up all the toys in plastic storage Ben's in the garage. That way he wouldn't be overwhelmed with toys, C is much happier since we took out those items. But there is still no break for me, or Ch we are still not where we want to be, being parents to a high maintenance child on our hands; Is three times more work than a child with less problems, we take the good with the bad and we move on. We have to continuously praise him for the good things C does, to let him know he's doing a great job at whatever it is he has been doing.

As for today Ch, and C had a counselors appointment this morning. I couldn't attend due to me being sick last week and not enough notice, I totally forgot about so please don't hold this against me. While in the appointment C was not willing to be very good, threw some blocks at the social worker along with a crutch. And the reason why he's on crutches a neighborhood kid whose usually really good pushed him off the ladder of our pool, while Ch was watching from the bedroom window. So that's the reason for the crutches. Then he turned onto his dad and started hitting him, I'm not sure what she said to Ch and I haven't been able to talk with Ch because he had to leave early for work because of (his damn drug test again)! I heard this from my second in command I.E.P coordinator.

I told her I've been praying that someone, would see and feel what we go through. Kelly (not her real name) maybe this is what we need to get C out of our house, it's like part of our I.E.P team heard what we are saying, but the new comer wasn't hearing very well. Or she's just not sure what we are saying is true, after today's I'll show you what I do to my mom and dad, type of attitude I'm praying that this will be the door that we need to help us.

I think this sums up most of our two days, of set backs that we have had to face, this week. Tomorrow or Friday we will find out where C will be transported to another school in our area.

Aug 16, 07
As this was started on Monday 13, and today we did find another school that is willing to take C, he will have 5 other 1st graders in his class, we get to check out the school sometime in the next week. The person that called today asked if we wanted her to come out and meet us, to check out the school. We choose to check the school and see what it's going to be like.

In the meantime we are hanging there many prayers have been said between I and K she will be starting her school year next week, so will J. I do feel for K she will not be teaching C this year. I'm praying once we get C where he needs to be, hoping and praying K will be able to take him.

Pink Eye Pink Eye

Please go away I'm missing work, and money to do things with. This is terrable not the best feeling either. I haven't missed a days work since, I got back from having my surgery done back in Jan. It all started last night I was out putting air in the ring of our pool because it has a slow leak, which I still cannot find, I've got most of them patched this one is a hard one to find. So last night before bed I took some hot med which I thought would cure what was ailing me, this morning I had no engery to do a work out or even going for a walk either. So I called my boss at 5:30 this morning, left a message, later she called me back she couldn't believe how bad I sound, sore throat, my eye is burning, just feeling awful. She said rest I'll let them know you will not be in. An hour or so later I called my doc's, which almost didn't happend because the advice nurse thought I didn't need to be seen and just have a phone consulation. I don't think so! I want to see my doctor please! Is it so hard just to come in and make sure it's not strep throat? So I got my appointment, saw a new doctor, because mine is out on leave for the next three weeks GRRR! The one I saw today was fine so it didn't bother me, who I saw as long as he/or she knows what they are doing. Sure enough he gave me a perscription for some onitment, told me to stay home for the next three days. Please tell me your joking right? He said no stay home until you are better or feel up to working. My work calls me I tell my co-worker, my eye is full of puss and it's burning. She said no worries we've been slow for the last three weeks, so why should this week be any different? You know there are times when things like this are ment for a reason, what that reason is I don't know.

So now I'm stuck in bed, with nothing to do. I'm not up for anything my eye is bothering to the point I want to scratch it, which won't help it. I've got a few good books to read which isn't all that bad. I love being busy like to work, I love my hours that I put in each day, and like any job I do have an annoying co-worker who can't stand the poeple that we work with. If you love what you do you should not be so negative about all the time. It doesn't help those who love their job, that makes them feel very insecure. In the mean time I'm going to rest up the best way I can and hopefully J and C will not bring any more kids over to play with; I'm really contagous this morning my eye is worst than it was yesterday.

Speaking of J and C, they are both not sick. C is enjoying his school as long as he goes to bed on time. J will be starting school on the 21st of this month, two weeks left then our house will be very still no one will be saying I'm board, or there is nothing to do. We are looking into getting J involed in 4h this year, I've already talked to his former teacher she said as soon as she gets back from vacation she will let me know when the first 4h meeting will be. He loves animals and this should be something that he may enjoy, a week from home isn't all that bad, okay so the laundry will be needing to be done. I'm willing to get him to do anything that requires him not watching t.v. or, getting himself into trouble with neighborhood kids who don't listen. In the meantime I'm not feeling all that well, and wanting to feel better go back to work so I can make some money.

I'm pretty much board out of my mind, I've never liked staying in bed. And this is one cold that I'll be glad to get rid of. My torso, legs and arms don't bother me it's my throat and and eye that have gotten the best of me. I think it's time to get my immune system back and go for a walk. Hopefully I can bring myself in writing something else.

I Have Nothing To Post

This is one of our family cats, he's pretty much the one that didn't leave the house, he took a liking to C and well he just pretty much became one of the family. His name is Mooch C named him I had nothing to do with it.



This is Sagwa, she was a gift from Ch; And no I didn't name her either, another one that C had named. I couldn't come with anything, they both come in at night stay out most of the day unless it's raining or it's hot outside. Sagwa sleeps with C almost all night until my alarm goes off. She can be a mischevious cat when she wants to be. Yea I know I have nothing at the moment.

Happy HNT!!

Before



After


I recently went back to see my plastic surgeon, he said every thing looks good there is still a mass in my left breast. We are going to leave it alone for the time being. We are not going in for another surgery, I have been massaging my breast which has helped. There is no need for surgery unless there is an absolute need for it, I'm very happy with the results, there is no scar tissue that is noticeable. He didn't want to go any smaller than a 36D because of my body size, at least they are smaller than what they were.