An Unwanted Call

I knew my best friends husband has brain cancer, and this morning I received the call that I have been dreading for several months. My dearest friend's daughter called me this morning around 7 a.m. here's the recap of how that conversation went; it did not take me long for me to get ready and be at her house within an hour after I received the call.

Me: Good morning

Sarah: (not her real name) Mom said you would be up, I thought she was kidding.

Me: Is every thing alright?

Sarah: No how soon can you get here...it's dad...the doctors have given him about three days to live.

Me: I'll be there as soon as I can tell your mom as soon as I get Jr. up I'll be there about 9 a.m.

Sarah: thank you

I went over to their house before church this morning, stayed until 10:20 a.m. then we went to church, after wards I brought Jr. home picked up my phone charger and headed back to Linda's (not her real name), house to see how she was holding up. I didn't care who was there or who was standing around; she needed me and I was glad to have gone, I didn't spend much time with Joe (not his real name) I figured he had enough visitors in his room that would last him a few hours to spend with his family.

Two of his brothers were traveling back to their home states, while others were flying into Oakland airport tomorrow, I'm going back tomorrow to hang out with my best friends family I know this is a difficult time for all of us. For me it's hard because he was my client, I was the first to give him a full body massage he enjoyed it after his first battle of brain cancer was won. this time he's not so lucky.

He gave himself to the Lord about six weeks ago, he knew he wasn't going to make it to see his first grandchild to be born this coming May. He knew I was there because he asked if I wouldn't mind stopping by later today and tomorrow, I left my massage cream at Linda's house I told her I'll pick it up tomorrow. Here it is 10:03 p.m.

This is all I have for now my mind is still reeling over the days events, I still have homework to do and I would like to get it done before tomorrow.

I've seen you guy's pass me....

But I never thought I would see one of you on top of k rail then having to be pulled by a tow company, although I must say truckers are either safe when driving or in a big rush with little room to move; this one started five miles back before he came to rest in the middle of the k rail. My mom in-law was on her way to work when this trucker had a mishap, the driver was going faster than the intended speed limit, mind you high way 12 is getting a new face lift at this moment in time.

The truck driver was given a ticket for reckless driving, and I'm sure his trucking company would love to see a pic of how well their driver drives this one ended up on k rail with no place to go. I didn't believe it at first until I and Ch were over at his parents house and asked if we had heard about a big rig that drove onto the k rail, we both said no. Ch being a state worker had thought was to be an accident on 12, when in fact it was this driver on k rail.

Although I must say I've seen you guys take a little more road than necessary but I guess your just one of those unlucky ones to find themselves up off the road.

Please be sure to read the posting on high way 12 they do say 45 miles per hour and for a good reason. Please be sure to know there is k rail ahead.

Finally I can Blog Again

I wasn't aiming to take a long break from posting, it just happened to be two classes that took up most of my blogging time, one of them was History or Religions I will be throwing that book in the recycle been outside. Or I could let C have a stab at it and let him use it for scratch paper, even though I did pass the class with some out side of team members help; I was very happy to be out of that one. My next class seems to have me in stitches Human Motivation, this will be my last week of it, if there was anything I learned is make sure there is not a typhoon around to knock out power and the Internet! I spent at least 5 minutes getting my Internet up and running my mind drew a blank for at least three days before I could come up with a final topic to write.
Yep writers block doesn't help when I'm pressed for time.

As for my boys they are doing very well Jr. turned 15 years old last month, C turned 9 on Monday I'll have to find a way of getting pictures of the boys and their friends on here. I've attended meetings with C's counselor by myself Ch is working days and is unable to leave work because he's in charge of two ferries that run between the two islands, that has been overtime in a half for him, which is good since we found out Ch is in need of glasses now there are three of us wearing glasses, I keep telling myself all in due time I'll have a better paying job so I can have laser eye surgery done. Which will save us a lot of money on eye wear I would get contacts I'm afraid of getting dust in them since we live in a farming community, I don't think they would be ideal for where we moved to.

Jr is starting to cope with a high school better no more mishaps for the time being knock-on-wood, he missed a week of school due to a head cold thank god! The teachers have been bringing bottled water to school and selling it to students for 75 cents which is a pretty good idea since the scare of Swine Flu has become one of the fastest killing flues around. In the town where I work a child had died from it, school officials closed the school until Monday; with a shortage of the shot and I do not know the side effects of it with both boys with behavioral and mild mentally slow I'm not sure if I would trust this kind of shot.

We have told our clients if you come in not feeling well or if you feel that you are coming down with a cold of any kind please rebook for another time, we cannot afford to close the clinic down due to illnesses. Although Cali is worst off than most state in the Union we're feeling the pinch at work, Friday was the first time I received any tips over $6.00 dollars which is pretty good for a Friday usually we're busy lately it's been the opposite we've slow.

Other times I'm booked solid without getting a lunch break only to go home an hour early which did not make a good paycheck since I had to take Jr to get his braces adjusted, he's had them for a year already and his mouth is starting to shape real nice. He's got a least another two years of wearing them.

I'm starting to get use to our new place but we're having issues with the landlord after our big storm that came through I found the roof has a leak which has been repaired, I've talked to the real estate company that we're renting from they can not get a hold of the guy who owns it so we can go over suggestions and repair the roof. Apparently he's got money but doesn't care about the way his rental house is, I've told Ch one more thing goes wrong with this house I'm finding another place to live! I don't care if they did put in new flooring and a new gas range, if the owner would listen to the neighbors who live next to us, and take a close look at the roof himself, he's told me the last time he came to fix the sink in the bathroom, (the only full bathroom in the house) the roof needs to be fixed new carpet needs to be put in because of cat pee smells up the house when I turn on the furnace which doesn't work all that well.

As you see it's a list of repairs that has gotten the best of me, I don't mind the extra commute I would love to find a new job that would work around C's counseling and schooling but right now I have to be patient and pray that I can get through this, believe me there are times when I want to through up my hands and say I quit, I'm done, I've had enough. I know I can not do that, I've been asked to join the church choir, I called my new Pastor from Nebraska, I explained to him I'm in school and not a member of the church he said he didn't care as long as I can carry a tune.

I said okay I'll do it,I'm hoping I'm not making a mistake between team meetings and homework I'm willing to try this out, I haven't sang in front of a group of people since high school this should be interesting. I'm pretty it's just like riding a bike after a long time of being off of one and you get back on you remember, I'm praying that is what this will be like. We'll see.

It's almost 11:00 p.m. every one is in bed I didn't sleep very well last night because I was stress over a homework assignment that needed to be sent off to a class mate of mine I got it accomplished almost an hour ago, and I ended up being a Snap Dragon because I caught my son's head cold Thank you so much I love him dearly.

Ended up yelling at my two son's and a friend of oldest because they kept getting loud while I was trying to focus on getting a paper done and being on the phone long distance with my brother and a uncle who is in remission of colon cancer, he's coming to my house for dinner on Oct 7Th I can't wait to see him and his wife he gave me away at my wedding he's been a second dad to me when my other uncle wasn't around. Not feeling well didn't help much either, of course both boys are wanting to go to church tomorrow, I told them I would take them as long as I was feeling better.

This is all for now, I'll read those of you when in between class assignments.

Suspended

And if you think having a teenager for a son is fun! Try three weeks into your kiddo's freshmen year and he or she is already suspened for teasing! Yep and school has not been in for a month!

It all started two weeks ago when I recieved a phone call from the V.P. telling me I need to talk to my son about teasing other students I comfronted him about it, the minute he got home from school he claims he wasn't the one who started it, usually I can tell when my son is lying through his teeth; I told him to stay away from the other kids who think it is cool to be picking on other kids because sooner or later some one is going to get hurt.

Sure enough my best friend calls me on her cell, hey did you know your son is in the office? What I just left my grandmother's house because she is not allowed to drive (another story another time). So anyways she lets Jr. talk to me he gets into more trouble for talking on her cell phone, tells me he's in trouble because another kid tripped him in p.e. class. I'm not sure if I want to believe him or not since he's been caught teasing other students at breaks, which I don't get Jr. is pretty much a kid that won't say much, or fight back.

Today I get a phone call do you mind coming down to the high school so we can talk? Um no I was just there I have class tonight and won't be able to meet with you today, how about Friday? that will not work because I won't be getting back into town until 7:00 or 8:00 p.m. I have to pick up Jr's brother and I work late on Fridays. Is there any time that you are not busy? Uh no
I'm a working mother who is back in school for a second time because the job I have doesn't pay enough and I have to travel every thursday for family meetings for C.

Mrs R. it is really important that we meet sure how about Monday at 3:15 p.m. What the hell! you think by now the school would have said something two weeks before this happened and top it off Jr was punched in the back by another student because Jr wouldn't go with this kid to the police staition because of the kid's missing bike. So he decides to punch him in the back, the other kid did get suspended for hitting Jr, this time once again Jr. is now suspended. By the time I'm done with this damn school district I'll be glad Jr will be graduating from high school.

As for college fat chance of Jr. getting a high school diploma because he is mild mental retarded so there goes his chance of a college education. And yet teachers want to know is there anything we can do for him? Try finding him work that is his grade level for once in his school years! So on Monday I get to meet with the V.P. and his R.S.P teacher and figure what the hell is going on in the meantime I've cancelled his first ever birthday party and he can forget about his first school dance.

And fishing with one of his friends is out of the question, right now I'm too pissed off to even care if he ever leaves this house. Other kids can not believe he's getting picked on once again, and the V.P. and teacher thinks my son is doing the teasing, which they say he's been doing a lot of since school has started I've talked to him about it I've discussed severe consequences for his behavior looks like I'm going to find out the truth on Monday.

I went as far as leaving a message on the V.P.'s phone letting her know Jr has always gotten picked on teased for wearing glasses and braces, and I want my son transferred out of this high school as soon as possible I'm getting annoyed with him coming home in a bad mood and not wanting to get up in the morning because he's tired of getting teased. I'm hoping someone else gets the same treatment as my son and see how the shoe fits.

Yep my week just ended crappy.

Moving

The title is correct we are moving to another town outside the one we have lived in for the last 10 years, the house we are moving into is slanted so our washer will need supports our gas dryer is useless at the moment until we can get a certified plumber to hook up a gas line to it. For now it will be another home without the worries of being foreclosed on, which is a good thing. Our neighbors we have come to know and like are sadden of our departure; no one thought we would be the ones to go through the process of losing our home of 8 years.

We are doing well Jr just started his first year of high school last week he didn't want to box up his room he thought the longer he put it off the more the mortgage company would reconsider I explained to him that would not be possible even though I did look into getting our mortgage payment down, when I talked to the person on the phone he explained to me the mortgage company would want a thousand dollars to get the paper work started and $2300.00 for the lawyer fees, we do not have that type of money.


Ch took a 15% pay cut this year due to the states budget, my hours have been steady there isn't much to tell there just like any other job it has it's moments. My brother knows I have lost my home and my sister has not bothered to come up to help, she told my 93 year old godmother who is in a convalescent home because she had taken her third fall, which put her there. I did not tell her because she is sad and depressed and this was the last thing she needed my sister thought it was best to tell her.


I was not happy when I found out she had told her, and how I found out was my god mothers sister in law she called me up and asked how the move was going? And informed me my god mother already knows. My god mother's former student who happens to be older than myself has also lost his house and was moving back to the town were I grew up.

As for C he will not be with us this weekend we thought it would be best for him to stay in the bay area, due to our move and since change can take a toll on emotions and tempers we did talk to his therapist about our decision she agreed with us. We did take him to look at the new home he found his room and can not wait for next weekend to visit.

Here it is Tuesday it's been a long drawn out weekend, even though I was suppose to be off yesterday thankfully I did not have to work, which made my day. There is still a lot of work to do at our former home, on my way out of my former neighborhood I stopped by my neighbors house and said goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. R. (shorten for their last name) Mr. R was sad to see us leave, he couldn't believe we lost our home it's one of those mishaps in life, at least we have each other, family and friends who care for us.

I believe life is about living, giving a helping hand when needed, and lots of love when all else fails, and prayers for those who loose hope and laughter to chase away the blues. For now this all I've got it's been a long weekend, and more packing and unpacking needs to be done, I've got a bad headache which is causing me to lose focus on what I want to write I figure this is enough for now.

Numb Part II

After thinking and praying, I have decided to reveal the truth. Mind you any comment that is not welcome will be deleted; I want you all to know placing C was the hardest thing I and Ch has had to do, I knew from the moment we dropped off C last year we were putting C at risk of restrains, at the same time having C at a place that we had both looked into was and will be a safe place for children with behavior problems, what we did not expect was inappropriate touches; Not by staff by other children.


We found out right before Jr's graduation, C's therapist explained to us that a situation had occurred two nights prior to our family therapy, neither one of us knew about this until the morning we had arrived. C use to have a roommate, until this incident had occurred C became panicky when his roommate would be in room as C was; C said his roommate would try to close the closet door on him or try to look at while he was changing. C explained that he was not feeling comfortable having him around, C would go into panic mode in result he would get a level dropped.


As the boys were settling down to bed the other boy made advances on C, which put C into hysteric's the night staff heard the both boys not settling and C was getting more agitated; the more noise C would make the more the staff became concerned. After several minutes the night staff asked to speak with C, when he walked out of his room he had his pj top on and no bottoms the night staff asked C to go back into the room and get his pj bottoms and return to the hall way. C did as he was told, C of course was pretty much in shock at this point he wasn't sure if he was the one that was going to be in trouble for not being in bed, he ended up not sleeping well which resulted him not getting up and leaving for school promptly.

The staff thought it would be a good idea for C to spend the night in the living room, since the incident happened around bed time his response to the staff's desion was "I sleep on the couch at home why do I need to sleep on the couch here?" The saff got a laugh out of a bad situation, C promptly recovered from the incident, we saw him the next morning he seemed fine until bed time arrived then it was hell on wheels. C refused to go to bed, he did not want anything to do with his room here at home, we finally got him to sleep with his radio on.

About two or three weeks later C was switched to another room, the same thing happened this time with clothes on, this time I received the call Ch was at work. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What the hell we just got done with one incident now a second; I asked his counselor who's fault was it this time! I don't need this I've got health issues that I'm dealing with! She explained to me the staff member that was just hired was sleeping on the couch when the incident took place the staff member was fired.

C was in the process of getting his own room with no one in there with him, she was very upset and so was the manager who sees to all the staff members that care for the children. By the time I arrived to pick up C he was willing to leave, on our way home I explained to C that our power was out for the evening because some one decided to leave his dumper up and hit three power lines including a power pole which almost struck some one's house. Since Ch was called to work I finished up dinner thank goodness for gas stoves they are a blessing!

While I was in the kitchen cooking dinner Ch and C had another talk C thought it was his fault, Ch explained to C it was not his fault he did not do any thing wrong, Ch reassured C that he had plenty of people to talk to if he felt he needed to talk to some one. He felt at ease the rest of the evening. The following week we had our session I asked how the manager was doing she was doing better but still on edge of what has happened. Which is understandable they are there to support the children look after their needs and be able to redirect children when needed.

Knowing how hard C has been working towards coming home for good it still hurt him a lot, we did not tell his grandparents we felt it was best not say anything to them. I did not tell my best friend about the second incident she has enough on her plate at the moment, I didn't tell my family I didn't need my sister's awful input my brother knows about the first incident but not the second. He felt bad about what happened at least he feels what we are dealing with is enough.

It's been several weeks since incidents have happened C is back to his joking and happy self, everyone is watching all the children very closely no one is to sleep while the children are sleeping they are to check on the kids during the night; that way incidents like this do not happen again.

As of right now we're having a tough time getting C to stay in his room all night long, he sneaks out of his room and sleeps on the couch which is fine; At least he is not sleeping in his brothers room nor my room for that matter we had one hell of a time getting C out of our room. At least it's the couch and not any other room for that matter, for us we will get through this, after all it's more or less a phase all kids have them.

I started this post on July 5th I just now finished this post here it is July 19th, but at least I got it written. With everything we have been through I felt I needed to write this out, I have been told writing is therapy; I guess this is my therapy of letting those who know me from the moment I started writing on here up until now. I love my family very much, when tough moments happen I know where I can go and it's here, to scream, yell and let out my pain.

This is mine even when I'm in school and life gets hetic I can still, drop in and say hello any readers I have left. Thank you all for you kind words they do help I will continue to write in between classes. I have another post that I have in mind we are dealing with paycuts just like everyone else, right now I do not have internet service until next week the 28th of this month I will try to post as soon as I can.

Numb

Right now I'm in complete shock, it's going to take a while and I'm not sure if I should post the events leading up to now, I feel that I have been let down pulled in a direction that I would not want to go. C's counselor is handling the situation a lot better than I'm handling my emotions at the moment, in my heart I know this is the place that has shown us how to help C. I must admit I feel as if some one has punched me in the stomach, I wish I could tell you all what has happened but I can not bring myself to do so.

I'm in shock, in pain and needing a wine cooler, I recently found out I have a enlarge liver which the doctor has said it is not liver disease he's been a surgeon for 15 years he has seen this before. I'm grateful to know it's nothing serious, I also have a gal bladder that is acting up again, I've been to the e.r. twice in the past six weeks! My doctor has ordered another test to be done in fact he thinks my gallbladder may not be working at all. I do not need any more heart aches nor did I need the news I got today. I want the next 6 months to be more pleasant than what they have been!

This is all I'm going to post for the time being until I feel that I want to share what this is about I will tell you all if I have the heart to.

By the way

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!

A Very Belated Update

I just wrapped up my five weeks of school, finished a belated paper which was due the first night of class. Attended a Listener Appericaion Concert I won tickets from the radio station I listen to, met an old childhood friend of Ch's who also went to the concert, invited back to the couples house for their daughter's senior graduation party from high school.

Jr. graduated from the 8th grade he will be a freshmen in high school I'll get pictures posted of the graduation sometime tonigh, we worked hard to get him to pass the eighth grade, I had to negotiate with the teachers in finding work that was suitable for Jr. to learn his reading skills, writing skills, and his short and long term memory seem to have the best of him.

I went as far as telling his history teacher he either modifies the work or I was going to take some legal matters against him and his way of teaching, instead I let him get away with murder he modified my son's work for one week then he fell back into his old pattern if you can't do the work you failed history. The other teachers got him to pass their classes so one failing grade did not pervent my son to not participate in his 8th grade graduation.

I cried during the slide show I can't believe how much he has grown, C was there he was driven down from Castro Valley to watch his brother graduate from 8Th grade; he stayed with us until Sunday afternoon then I took him back Sunday afternoon. Ch took C out to breakfast, I had to work turned out I ended up on call for work Friday, work hasn't been that busy.

But at least I got to spend time with C, he was glad mom didn't have to work. Had the family over for dinner on Friday. Then Saturday we traveled down to Mantica for childhood's daughter's graduation party, the boys had a blast the pool was very cold. C did not mind the water being cold he was in the pool more than out of it.

I'm also due for an operation my gallbladder has decided to act up, I was in the emergency room two days straight once on Friday and Saturday of memorial day weekend; I was pretty drugged up on some heavy duty pain killers. I've seen a surgeon he's sending me in for another test on July 16Th, no eating or drinking after 7 p.m. on the 15Th I have that to look forward to as long as they get me in for surgery before I return back to school I will be pleased.

Speaking of school I'm taking a month off, we're going on vacation starting on Father's Day and returning on June 27Th, taking the boys to Monterey for two days then heading down to Disneyland for three days then driving home on Saturday. This should be an interesting family vacation. Ch's parents are meeting us in Anahemim at their time share that's not far from Disney land. I would rather spend a week in Monterey, I'm not a city person this will be an interesting vacation.

Having a gallbladder that is acting up is not something to play around with, I'm taking a big risk of riding the rides and driving down there. I'm on a low fat diet, I'm working with a nutritionist
She's got me on a low fat milk, lots of friuts and veggies, I can have very little red meat, lots of chicken and pork no greasy foods. And more workout, thank god I got a bike from my in-laws, Jr has begged me to ride bikes with him so starting tomorrow evening I will be out riding with him. He's happy mom is taking a small break from school.

I've got two more years left, Ch will be glad that I'm half way there. I'm kind of enjoying school at the moment I'm happy for the break I'm taking it won't ruin my financial aid, more or less it will help it.

Tomorrow I'm meeting mom-in-law at her beauty parlor Ch just sprang it on me tonight saying I'm to meet her at 1:00 p.m. to get my hair styled, nails done and feet pedicured I've never had any of this done except for my eye brows and my hair cut, usually I do my own feet they are sooo dried I know TMI I could not help myself. :)

Oh before I forget C is not coming home this month, he will be coming home in about six months to a year. He's had an issue with another boy in the house that he is living in I can't go into much of the details, but he is doing much better than he has been.

I'm not ready to share what happened, we have not told ch's parents, all I ask is continue prayers would be helpful. And all the dads out there

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Greetings

Just a quick hello to my blogging friends, if any of you are still around. Every one is doing good, we had our counseling session with C today. We found out he will not be returning home next month, his behaviors have increased since his last visit before Mothers Day weekend.

Everyone on the team feel releasing him next month would not benefit him, rather it could cause him to return to treatment once he is released. C will continue to be monitored and worked with, and his next release date is six months from now, in that time if he does not improve he will remain there until May 2010.

Our hope and prayers C will be able to show improvement within the next six months, or even longer depends on C. We can support C in conseling and home visits, and guiding C to do better, in the meantime I'm back in school for one month and then taking a leave of absence from school.

Jr. is graduating from the 8Th grade in just a few short weeks, three weeks after school lets out we are taking the family to Disney Land, we are vacationing with my in-laws at their time share near Disney Land. I'm not sure if I should be thrilled about the vacation or to feel humbled over it. I'm sure with prayers and trust in the Lord I will be fine.

Birthday Celabrations

I can't believe I have turned 34 years old this year, where has the time gone? This year we celebrated my birthday at mom and dad in-laws instead of at our house. Dinner was of course chosen by me we went to a Chinese restaurant down on main street, our first time there mom and dad in-laws second or third time, the food was plenty we even brought some home with us. C was with us, he's doing so well. It's amazing what a year can do to a child with his behaviors, he will be coming home sometime in June not sure on a date yet, as soon as we get one I will post it.

Looking back over the past year of what I have accomplished, in the two year of attending school and how much my work has changed. Each week each day brings a new meaning to my life, every obstacle that I have looked at over the last few years I wonder what I would wish for this year; to be honest there wasn't that I wanted or to wish for only for more happiness to enter my world to be able to do my best in every subject that comes my way. I don't believe in giving up nor do I let those who have bashed me over the head to get the best of me, in times I felt like quitting, giving up and not wanting to continue; Then again that would not work for me quitting is not an option that I would take seriously. Perhaps writing how I'm feeling would be better than quitting.

On Sunday evening I received a phone call from my godmother's neighbor she's in the hospital, she fell again. My godmother said she did not fall she fell off of a chair, this is the third time within the last few months she has fallen. On Monday I drove down to the valley by myself, to see her, she is not well. Her skin was Ashien, her breathing was not normal, and she quit eating. Not all good signs. She has been a part of my life for the last 34 years, seeing her in this bad of a shape it's not good, on top of her being in the hospital my sister has seemed to disappear without a trace.

My godmother asked for her, I have no idea where she is or what she is doing, her phone number has been disconnected again. There is no way of getting a hold of her which in turn has pissed me off even more! My brother is due down here in another month, he finally has a reliable auto so he can drive down here.

When I left on Monday evening I was told she would be going into a nursing home, she has always been independent drove herself to church every Sunday until her recent fall, her daughter came down on Monday an hour after I had arrived. She's not the nicest person to be around she was surprise to find me there. She's been in my life as long as I can remember I have every right to be there, my godmother sang at my mother's funeral, she has been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on.


What hurts the most is knowing she may not make to see another birthday, Christmas or any other holiday. She will be moved into a nursing home as soon as her health improves, I don't see that happening any time soon. I have realized she needs to go and be with the Lord she can not live on her own; She lived a good life. If she finds out she will be moved into a nursing home she will not live, she insists on living by herself and continue to drive, when I talked to Nana as I have called her she sounded happy, a little congested nothing serious; she always looked younger than her real age. When I got up to the hospital room I was amazed at how serious Nana's health was. I'm hoping she will pull through until after the Dixon May fair is over, that way I can get back down there to remove my mother's ashes to my home.


May each of us remember the good times we have with our loved ones whether they be old or young. We never know how long we have them for.

The Little Things In Life

It does not matter were you've been or where your going, as long as you have each other that is all that matters. In many cases around the U.S. every one is losing their homes or close to it, in our case that is what is happening. Right before we celebrated our 15Th wedding anniversary that's right I and ch, have been married for that long. It does not feel that we have, we sent the kids over to the in-laws while the two of us had romantic night alone, we don't get to do that very often but at least it was dinner out and private dancing in the living room.

In the midst of our loving home we also have come to grips of losing our home this summer, there is nothing that can be done we've tried to get our payments lowered since Ch took a 500.00 pay cut on February 6Th, Ch has called left messages for one month there was no returned phone calls until the beginning of this month, Ch explained to them that we were not going to fill out the paper work until we had questions answered and then we would send them in. By the way we did send our papers to them after a third attempt of getting an address from them, and then a few weeks ago we found out that they have decided not to approve us a new loan.

We talked to Ch's parents since we bought the house from them and told them we're letting the house go, it's not our faults that the governor decided to give my husband a 10% pay cut we didn't ask for cut wages because the state of Cali can't control it's spending on their top congressmen and women they rather take it from the little guys and not care about the ones who make a good living. Who cares about state workers such as California Department of Transportation make or give their lives to pave the states highways, to hell with them was the governor's thinking let them suffer.

Thanks to the Governor we will be losing our house sometime in the 6 months, we are looking for a house to rent, pay off our credit cards and my suv. And then we will try in about 2 years to buy a house, there is nothing any one can do, we have refused help from his parents because we will not be able to pay them back. In truth Ch is bringing home about a thousand dollars per month if that. We have been in tougher situations, we always seem to get through them; Even with my job it's not enough for a house payment. It's enough to get us through from payday to payday, I haven't told my brother, or my sister and differently not saying a word to my godmother she's 94 years old she doesn't need to worry about me. At least I have my faith, job, school and my family to get me through my toughest times.

We have looked at other options, such as finding another job even that is hard to come by with the economy has left this state in a critical point of bankruptcy, even the City of Rio Vista has filed for bankruptcy, we found that out in January of this year. It's bad every where, newly built houses stand empty, waiting for a turn around, school teachers getting pink slips because not enough students to keep them and our school district is slowly running out of money. We have tried everything, we've talked to our loan company, they give us the run around, I even explained to them that I've watched them closely they were World Wide Savings, from that name they are called Wochivia now they are under Wells Fargo bank, my mother in law says good luck with getting a lowered payment since they never approved both parents for one, nor does the bank allow half payments, it better be in full or else.

I can not hate any one nor do I blame myself for what has happening, we can only move forward and brave the elements that is before us. We take one day at a time and pray for the best, I must remain hopeful that this too shall pass, I put my trust in the Lord he will see us through these tough times. I can not let my my anger get the best of me, I have cried silently, screamed silently, poured my heart out to god.

There is nothing that anyone can do I will write in between classes, and family outings. Oh by the way if any of you have an i-max theater around I suggest checking out Under the Sea in 3-D it's a cool movie, my in-laws paid for all of us to go, I and Ch didn't pay for anything. We needed a break from every thing and everyone.

AAARRRRGGGG!

It's one thing to step from three months of math,then winding up in a critical writing class! It just bugs me that I can not compose something that I'm happy with. Don't get me wrong writing is suppose to be therapeutic it allows my emotions to flow, when it comes to writing in class which deals with case studies forget it! I'm horrible, I hate be criticized about my writing because it makes me feel uncomfortable, unhappy and miserable. I'm beating myself up over a paper that needs help, I have to change it, to make shorter.

Any suggestions on how I should rewrite a In-Class Practice-Case Study Analysis? Right now I'm stressed and overwhelmed with this assignment. I'll go ahead and thank you all for responding.

Tough Times

In other words I haven't been to work since last Friday, stayed home for the last two days; Cetching up on house work and home work which is much better than spending the last three months in math by the way I passed with a D- and do I even care Hell NO!! What matters is having a diploma in my hands in saying goodbye to massage until I can get on my feet.

Which is not going well Massage Envy went bankrupt about a month ago in Sacramento, so my supervisors expects us to close at hundred memberships to make up for the 45 members we have lost which is $50.00 of my pay. Which can't be helped because Cali just furloughed all state workers on Feb 6,09 that's right folks my loving husband is one of them. And now it's resting on me because we are short on making our house payment, for next month; there is not a damn thing I can do but to keep praying that this will be over soon. By the looks of it were stuck, between a wall and a rock, both boys were recently told we're not making tons of trips to the store we're not going out to dinner, that has been cut from our budget. School supplies will have to wait until next fall.

Except for the shoes for the Jr. since he needs a pair, any money that bring home will have to be saved for three trips over to San Leandro, by the way C is doing very well 180 turn around since he's been away almost a year come April 22nd he's come a long ways, his tempers have decreased his hitting has decreased and so has other behavioral issues have since decreased. We are setting up new rules for the family and a new rewards system. His return home sometime in June, I don't want him home without the proper schooling that he needs in mainting his current grade which is 1st and 2nd grade level, he's gotten ahead of most kids in the school district that I live in.

Jr is doing his 2nd year of 4-h, another goat was picked by him. He recently broke his ankle at school didn't tell the teachers only his friends, by the time I arrived home from work, his foot was swollen he couldn't put a shoe on it. Had to wait until the following day to make sure the foot was xrayed. Come to find out he chipped a bone in his foot from a previous break which never healed then he fell in ward broke his ankle on the growth plate. Six weeks of having a cast on was too much for him to handle. He's still out of particpating in p.e. until the 9th of March, it's still swollen debating on taking him back in again. Just make sure it did heal correctly, he's grown so much he's taller than me.

Ch is still working nights there is no change, his depression comes and goes. His doctor upped his appointments to twice a month to see if that will help, at this point in the game we'll take anything.

As for me having hot flashes some months worse than others, I have to watch what I eat, trying to lose 20 pounds that I've gained. Believe me it's a bitch to take off! My mother in law has given me some books to read, I can't think of the authors when I get a chance I'll post them, I'm back to receiving massages once again, my migraines have returned, the doctor has said there is no family history of headaches except for high blood pressure, diabetes, my mother passed away with high blood pressure and being overweight.

Life goes on as long as I maintain regular exercise routine and staying away from mid afternoon snacks the one's that like to sneak up on you after lunch and dinner. Yep that's were I'm having the trouble, the mid afternoon snack attack, any ideas just send them my way.

It's great to be able to post when I can, I'll be back to include some family high lights, that happened over the last few months. In the meantime keep your chin up, because someone out there has it a lot worse than you do.

In many ways I'm happy to be starting a new year, with so much that has happened in the past year; I'm ready for a new beginning, new dreams, and goals to accomplish. Like many I've ferreted over the economy have watched my paychecks decline, along with clients who have cancelled their memberships have kept my fingers crossed for a incline in clients with gift cards which seemed to be a hot seller for Christmas. And yet my tips have been less than $100.00; My only option right now and praying for a miracle that I can pass the test for a school district. I have one more chance to pass the math portion of it and I'm in, which means I will not have to worry over clients leaving, I won't have to worry about getting hit or coming across an accident. Watching a medic chopper land in a farmers field while the children of the driver watch their mother being flown to the hospital. If I had a stuff animal or two with me I would have given them to the contractor without a second thought; and yes I look at these as signs, my commuting has taken a toll on me. I have to keep a opened mind, heart and spiritually confident that I will achieve a math test that will get me a better job.

I can not stand the fact that I may end up losing my home, my suv and my schooling, I have made a big mistake and that was going to school to become a massage therapist that has failed to bring enough of a paycheck to keep my family afloat, I have looked for a job there is nothing out there that will accept someone who has no experience in business or accounting. What is left is going to bow down to a McDonald's type of work which is the last thing I want to do, I have no intentions of bowing down to a business that I have no confidence in. I and Ch ended up borrowing money from his parents because the tires on my suv, were so bad that they could not wait until our income tax return comes in. I have cut back in spending, it's gotten to the point were I forget to take a lunch to work because I'm having nightmares and can not sleep. I have to change this habit of hitting the snooze button after 5:45 a.m. and get up to get my body ready for the day.

As for resolutions I made none, not one did I make. There is too much that I need to focus on, most of them would fall into the cracks and where would I be? How would I feel if I had let one of those resolutions slip through my hands!?! Right now I have to maintain a positive outlook I have to remain in school so I can undo the mistakes that I have made, to look at the positive side of what is important. I have one goal in mind and that is to go to Hawaii since we have missed three family trips in three different years, to the Islands that have a powerful spiritual bond with the seas. Not to mention a trip to the Virgin Islands my in-laws would like to take us there; I know it will take some time in doing, I know what I have to do first and that is to make it through school and to make it through a school district test.

In closing this long post of what not, I will leave you with this

It is God to whom and with when we
travel, and while He is the End of our
journey, He is also at every stopping place.

-Elisabeth Elliot

Praise and Thanksgiving

I was given this to read on Monday at my women's bible study class, I wish every one of you a wonderful Thanksgiving.

O my God,
Thou fairest, greatest, first of all objects,
my heart admires, adores, loves thee,
for my little vessel is as full as it can be,
and I would pour out all the fullness before thee in ceaseless flow.
When I think upon and converse with thee
ten thousand delightful thoughts spring up,
then thousand refreshing joys spread over my heart,
crowding into every moment of happiness.
I bless thee for the soul thou hast created,
for adoring it, sanctifying it,
though it is fixed in barren soil;
for the body thou hast given me,
for preserving its strength and vigour,
for porviding senses to enjoy delights,
for the ease and freedom of my limbs,
for hands, eyes,ears that do my bidding;
for thy royal bounty providing my daily support,
for a full table and overflowing cup,
for appetite, taste, sweetness,
for social joys of relatives and friends,
for ability to serve others,
for a heart that feels sorrows and nesessities,
for a mind to care for my fellow-men,
for opportunities of spreading happiness around,
for loved ones in the joys of heaven,
for my own expectation of seeing thee clearly,
I love thee above the powers of language to express,
for what thou art to thy creatures.
Increase my love, O my God, through time and eternity.

Happy 3rd Year of Blogging

I have come to realize the many changes that have to my blogging space, I've shed tears lead my readers to my favorites family spots; Dealt with family issues that have come up. Just recently posted questions to math problems that had my head hurting, looking back I find myself in awe in how much time has passed, and broken hearts do mend; and forgiveness makes a stronger marriage. Falling back in love with my husband, after many years of turmoil and hurt. J's. may not be blogging due to working nights since Sept 10Th I believe, he was on days for 2 months then officially went back to working nights because other guy was too lazy and hated working nights so he put in a transfer to another district, there was plenty of supervisors who did not like the way he worked nor did he turn in over time pay into the office so the p.i.'s would get paid for working the bridges or faeries. It was my loss J'sr gain and a happy crew, he gets Friday nights and Saturdays off and returns to work on Sunday night. His only draw back J Jr. is learning how to cook! By the way he's now 14 yrs old, and bugging the living hell out of both us to teach him to drive, not happening any time soon. So Jr. is having to figure out what to have for dinner, poor kid so far it's mac cheese and hot dogs or polish sausages, hamburgers on the George foreman grill. Other times if I think of it I usually plan a dinner for the both of them, at least I know he's trying.

Jr. has found a love for the cooking show I'm not sure what channel that's on, he's pretty good a channel surfing found it out of board, he's learned to check in with our neighbor's that live two houses down from us, since mom is at school and dad comes home for dinner then leaves He's also found a new comedy to watch; I shouldn't say new it's a bunch of reruns of Home Improvement. He asked one night why don't they make the show any more? For one it was one when I was your age! You know you've just wished you hadn't said that part! It's not the age you look at it's how you feel from the inside out. Sure I've gained a few pounds and the weight it's slowly coming off; then again you realized your child is now watching programs of simpler times. When laughter was made for television and you didn't have so much violence and other stuff, and the 1990's were good; Jr. is once again enrolled into his second year of 4-h, he's looking forward in getting another goat, we talked about doing two fairs in the spring the three of us sat down and talked about it which didn't go over too well with Jr. taking into consideration it gets extremely hot in Vallejo, unless mother nature works with you and get a remarkable cool temps. Also we're planning a trip to Disney land two weeks after school lets out, if Jr. can keep his grades above the failing mark.

C by the way is 8 yrs old I'll have to post pics of his 8Th birthday along with Jr's. Jr was very disappointed that C couldn't be there for his birthday, C did come down for the Bass Derby for an all day visit, there was only one point where we thought he was going to have to leave early C turned it around and refocused he did pretty good. His counselor that works with C is from the Islands of Hawaii, I won't reveal his name I'll just give you his first letter in his name T. Him and C make a great team, they both have come respect each other, and pretty much knows what the other likes. Just recently our supervised visits just ended and the weekend we were to start having some family visits without T being there. That didn't happen, C went into a temper and couldn't regain his self control, our entire day was a complete loss. So they called us 20 miles away from our meeting place, needless to say it was a trip that didn't go over well with any of us. We attend family sessions every Thursday, except when the family counselor is on beeper we do not meet for another two weeks. As for Halloween we went up to my sister-in-laws place for dinner, she thought it would be best for the three of us. That way we wouldn't be in a line of fire of families with their children; She got married on the 1st of this month C was the ring barer.
I'll explain the details of that story at a latter date.

With so much going on it is hard to believe C is still away, each room has changed; each day for C is a new beginning. C will be here for Thanksgiving, until the evening hours T will then drive from C.V. to pick up C, we're hoping by X-mas he will have a sleep over with us. We're not pushing we are guiding and mentoring C, the biggest change C has experienced was setting the table on Saturday's home visit, he learned that things have changed he's going to have chores here just like at the house that he his living in. And we're not backing down on the new and safe ways C has learned. Each level that C has accomplished a higher goal is placed in front of him, he may not like it at first but it will get him to understand more of his potential growth in living with occupational defiance disorder, he borderlines with bipolar. C is now in the 2ND grade, Jr. will be graduating from the 8Th grade. I may have one son here and another away there is not a day that goes by that I don't pray for each of my family, from J sr. to C and for me to get through my second year of school. I'm proud of the family we have become may god continue to bless each of us in the years to come.

Here's to another year!

Does any one know....

I'm going out on limb here, but since I've been looking for a math tutor on line for the last 5 weeks of Algebra it's starting to get on my nerves, it's one thing to return to school, it's a whole different ball game when you haven't had math since high school. I'm struggling with algebra, and I have no idea how to learn math, with out my husband's help, as long as he can guide me through it. There are several problems that neither one of us can figure out. He's a lot better in math than I am and so I've gone to him for most of my problems, this time around neither one of us can figure how to do the math problems.

My on line tutoring through my student web site will not help me with take home quizzes they will help with home work problems as long as you don't get someone who is not willing to show you how to input your work. I have tried several web sites and none come close to what I'm needing, if any of my readers know some great math teachers please send them my way I'm in need of someone who is willing to give me a helping hand. I'm willing to learn math as long as the other person doesn't make me feel worse about myself, I'm doubting myself in learning math, I know I'm not good at it. But at the same time I understand, it's one of many subjects that I need to learn.

So here's a few of my math questions if any bright person who understands math please post your answers in my comment box I'll retrieve them after I get home from work.

2-3(q-1)=10-(q-1)

x x
- + - = 20
2 3


3z 2z
- - - = 10
2 3
By the time I'm done getting together with a former class mate of mine, she will have shown me how to do this kind of work, once I master the next five weeks of math I'm sure, the rest will be a breeze. Thank you for coming by and helping a student in math.

Signs Of Autumn

The dog days of summer have finally come to a close, most of us are looking forward to the Autumn days of racking leaves in a pile and children jumping into them; giggling and laughing pretending there is not a care in the world, just a having a bit of fun before the weather turns colder. While most will be cleaning the gutters and winter proofing the windows before the first frost; the carving of Jack-o-lanterns on the kitchen table. The smell of Autumn flavor on the kitchen stove, the smell of soups and backed goods freshly made rolls as by passers take in the smells of Autumn. Freshly baked apple pies sitting on the counter, ready for dessert after dinner topped with home made whipped cream; Pumpkin pies are made and frozen to be used a later date.

Ah yes the signs of Autumn are once again upon us, the changing color of leaves, all in peak of color reds, yellows, oranges, and browns. dotting the landscape each tree a different color, and no two leaves are alike; birds nest abandon inner twined in tree branches. Left behind until warmer weather returns. The findings of unwanted guests in the garage eating the cat's food, laying curled up in a ball, five feet from the garage steps. Realizing an opossum has decided to call the garage home, the making of Summer ending; the returning of Autumn all dressed it's beauty.

Will have some of us to wonder how does mother nature does it? Puts on a show of Autumn colors for us to enjoy and the unwanted, untamed animals that decide to crawl in from the outside looking for a warm place to hide. And once again that damn opossum is still in my garage! Of course I politely asked CH to kill with one of his guns, he gave me a dirty look since we live in city limits it could not be done. Alas that unwanted opossum went in hiding since the lights were on my laundry sat in the washer over night while the opossum staked it's claim. Leaving enough space between the garage door and the concrete for the unwanted guest, hoping opossum would leave the premises, finds its way back to nature.


My fond memories of this time of year, without a drop of rain to be had. We are still in a red flag warning too much wind, and dry grass makes it for a bad sign, cooler temperatures may have arrived not enough to keep the red flag warning away.

For the last five weeks I have been stuck in psychology class, that explains part of the reason why I haven't been able to come by and update my blog. The other reason J started school a week ago today, that was a hard pill to swallow I am now raising an 8th grader! Not to mention Ch and J just finished painting his room and got it all stylished in teenage boy gear. A 37 inch television with no cable or dish network, a play station that plays both dvd's and his games, none the less his grandfather made the shelf, ch blew up his cordless drill while putting together the shelf. There is nothing like the smell of a burned cordless drill, and yes it did smell up the entire house, J comes running out to meet me after I came home from work. He couldn't wait tell me, his exact words. Hey mom guess what? what dad burned up his drill, Oh god not the new one! Oh no it's the cordless, me thinks an x-mas list is already beginning.

It's one of things that was bound to happen, I knew this day would come toys of yesterday are gone, have been replaced with teenage gear. A mix bag of emotions have set in, neither good or bad yet they are there, C has not started school yet which is kind of good then again the first day of school was emotionally draining, J got his picture taken in front of the blooming roses. Then I drove him to school by way of the elementary school where C would have been attending; It was not easy task for me but I knew driving J to school would some how help, alas it did not made things worse. I dropped J off at school, came home made breakfast then took two bites threw the rest away. The tears came as I tried to hold them back, they say the first two weeks are the worse for any parent who is going through this kind of change.

I have returned to my Ladies Monday Night bible study, I'm no longer baby sitting I was given a three weeks notice. My friends oldest daughter tried to commit suicide again, this time with a bottle of Excedrin, she did not succeed. Her mother had no other choice but to quit her job and move her family out of town, I'm praying they all get the help they need. She has moved in with her sister. Her middle daughter thinks they will be back in a year, I'm assuming she will not be returning within the year. I did talk with her aunt who would have been C's teacher, she did not know the full details of why they were moving until I told her. To say the least she is praying they stay away too. I know it sounds so mean but returning here would not be the solution to their problems even though they have family and friends here, they need a fresh start giving the situation. If oldest daughter does not get the correct help she needs she will find a way of committing suicide she has tried three times as I have been told. So far she has been blessed not take her life. She is 14 years of age, in this day in age young girls have a image to hold up.

This past weekend we took J up to the state fair we needed to get out of town, with every thing we have been through; J needed some good old time fun. Ch's parents went with us, they just celebrated their 39Th wedding Anni on Friday they took all of us out for dinner on the delta as usual the food and the view was relaxing, having a waterfront restaurant near our home priceless. The was a little on the warm side, at least it wasn't hot as it was last year; only in the upper 90's. Ch's parents left about 5:00 p.m. we stayed until the fire works were done, even though it was a long day it was well worth the trip. By the time we got home it was 15 minutes to midnight, and we still had a visit with C the next morning needless to say my weekend was very tiring. I haven't been able blog or be in bed by midnight, home work had taken up most of my time which by the way I received a B+ in Psychology; I'm very proud of myself for taking the time in doing the work and succeeding my expectations in school.

My next class is biology oh fun! I still have to buy the book that I need, which will have to wait until tomorrow since I get paid I have to say it's a blessing I don't have any home work that is due the first night of class I would be in a pickle jar! I don't like being without reading material or not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing in class. I like to stay ahead of myself, and be on top of my work I'm praying that I can maintain my grades above a C anything lower I don't think I could handle that. You live, love and laugh, no matter how bad life may seem. I've done all that and more.

J is getting four teeth pulled next week, and braces will be a week later. Ch's mother is paying for the dental work since neither one of us can afford it, by the time I would have found a better paying job, J's teeth would be in worse shape then they are right now. I'm blessed that Ch's mother is able to pay for them she works at a decent paying job after a year of retiring from Cal-Trans. She told she would help pay for them, thank God she is! We would not be able to afford the dental work that involves braces and teeth pulling.

It will be painful for J there is no lie in that, I have to pick up his pain relieving meds tomorrow after work, Ch is taking the morning off to take J in for his teeth pulling. I will be at work when that takes place since I'm taking Monday the 1st off. There is no need for both of us to be off at the same time, unless by some chance work doesn't need me. Depends on the month and the week.

I'm starting to fall asleep here at my computer I wanted to give my readers something. I hope I have a few out there. Good Night.

Love Bears All Things

After much thought I believe I have the courage to reveal what happened at our family counseling meeting with C's therapist in Castro Valley in other words Hayward Ca. not too far from S.F. for us it's just another city grown too quickly, for me the words sunk in, for Ch they have not! For those who have read us from the beginning knows how Ch can get when things don't look so good, in other posts he wrote about his dark moods that get the best of him. On Wednesday July 16th we got the dreaded news C will not be coming home this fall, he will be staying on in San Leandro for remainder of this year into next April 22nd 2009. We are often faced with challenges yet this was one that neither I or Ch were prepared for, we haven't told J his little brother will be staying away until next spring. C will have the chance of coming home for visits when he is able to control his moods and is able to handle himself in a safe manor, he will be home for Thanksgiving, Christmas and his aunts wedding on the 1st of November.

We will have to return him back the following day, he may have outings with us then we return C at the appointed time. After hearing this Ch shut down I could feel him move away as I was holding his hand. I pressed mine into his letting him know you can not shut down on me now!! We need each other don't do this to me. Yet he was gone I could feel his numbness his mind gaping over what was being said, his son our last will not be home this fall. We fought to have C placed to get the help he needs. In some ways I'm blessed it's happening now and not when C has hit his teenage years, when it's too late to help him. C is greatly missed by every one, for the longest time I could not walk into his room Ch and J have repainted it the holes in the walls will be worked on another time. C will move into the smaller room with the captains bed that J has grown out of. C will take the smaller room, I would like to get C's old room painted before he returns home Ch hasn't said if we will.

This week has been a struggle of accepting the news, parents are to be strong no matter how tough the situation is. When children have struggles and their only way of handling things is by behavioral issues what is a parent to do? I found myself holding onto prayer finding myself in a place that I did not know existed. Yet God said let there be light, and there was light amongst the darkest part of our turmoil accepting this news.

How the Hell do you tell his older brother that your little brother isn't coming home!?! His needs are much more complicated than what is first thought. C has to stay where he is until he knows how to be safe around others and to himself. In the back of Ch's mind how the hell did this happen? How does a father cope of knowing that his little boy the last of our children will be away from us until next spring. I believe God has a plan for C and what ever that plan is, God will see us through it. I'm grateful for every thing that has happened in the past year, I'm happy I didn't close this down, this is much safer than having a journal laying around where J can read it.

July is not the easiest month from me, 5 yrs ago on July 12th I lost my mother. Now we are faced with C being away from home until next April. We will continue family therapy in Castro Valley and family visits whenever possible. J starts school on August 20th, I will not be there for C's first day of school or to take him for his hair cuts, or any other motherly duty.

The tears have come slowly, I wipe them away my heart is broken. I have to be strong for Ch and J they need me, and I need to cry softly so not to wake up J. This is all for now.