We're All Fine

By the time you all read this, it will be Wed. morning, tonight we had a 5.6 earth quack. At first I wasn't sure until Ch called me and I started to feel some strange movements and J who was sitting on the floor in front of the t.v. said the floor was moving. Ch was on a bridge waiting for openings because someone drove right through the gates on the Mc Colomee bridge. He thought it was a big rig going over the bridge then realized there was no one out there. At first I didn't believe he until I looked my, shandlelear was doing the waltz on it's own. Looked over at our water cooler it was doing the waltz too. J said that felt weird C said oh...was...that an earth shake? I said yes, I called my Godmother she felt all the way down in Turlock, very shallow felt as far as Pollick Pines. Lasted for about 1 min, 3 after shocks were also felt, I felt those 11 different after shocks. Centered near Milpitas at 8:05 p.m. tonight. They are saying continued aftershocks are expected in days to come.

It's very late for me I'm usually in bed. As for my cats one is outside, the other is not venturing outside she is a very nervous kitty right now. Was sleeping on the couch and as soon as C got in the bath and out, she is staying very close to C. Thats all I've got right now, Calaveras Fault is the one that is moving. That is all for now, I'm off to bed.

HAPPY HAllOWEEN!!

My Silence

I haven't told many people, Ch knows we've made jokes about it. Health wise I know that I'm not alone that many women go through this, many have said I'm too young. I haven't really said much about it in the past few years. Because it comes and goes, lately it's been a little worse than other times. I haven't had the chance to do any research, I'm too involved with both boys and no time to really look up any information, I've been told that many women younger than me have not had any children because their bodies seemed work against them. In my case I was very blessed to have two boys when we did, I'm slowly going through a change that is suppose to happen to older women, in their 40's not in their 30's. I'm not letting this awful change get the best of me. I'm learning to keep my tongue in check, I know that this is very important, I can't let every little thing get to me.

There are a few things that I don't like about this, is dealing with mild hot flashes. Yes people I did say that awful word! And not taking it back. Oh and the change of my sex drive, I haven't mentioned any of this in any of my post over the past year, because I thought it would go away on it's own and who was I kidding! At my last appointment back in April of this year, I was talking to my obgyn about my changes. We did a pap found that my body was differently going through what most women go through in their later years. I wasn't sure how to respond to this, I've known for a long time; Not knowing how to come out and say I've got this change and I'm going through and it's bit annoying if you ask me. So basically I've been living in silence not wanting to discuss any of this with any one, to be honest with you all I'd rather not have brought up this subject, but it's gotten to the point that I needed to write about it.

Sure there are times that I think of other kids, then just at that moment J and C start fighting then I realize that, it's better just having our two boys and not another one. I'm thrilled to have my two boys to keep me on my toes and play soccer, go fishing and just being able to enjoy them while they are growing. When I finally realized that these two were going to be it, my mind wanted to scream, I felt numb being told that I was going through the change, I felt like someone had taken the air out of my lungs. I asked my doc how does this happen? I'm young aren't I? This is something that we had talked about a year ago, and now it's caught up with me, and I don't know which was worse having a much needed surgery or having to be told that my body was going through premature menopause. It was like part of me just felt lost, not really sure if this was even happening. I wanted to be left alone, wanted nothing more than to come home and have the house to myself.

I remember coming home and telling Ch I'm fine, my iud is still in place and that my obgyn wants me to start watching my weight little bit closer, since I'm a little bit older. Nothing too serious, that every thing is good. I have to take a multi-vitamin make sure that I'm still eating healthy, which I do. Instead of five days a week she wants me to put in six days of workouts, which I do every other weekend. And to keep up the good work that I've been doing so far, nothing out of the unusual, has happened she did take a look at my breasts to make sure that they were doing good from the surgery that I recently had done. She was glad that every thing came out great that there were no complications. She did stress that I should be working out a little more, about 30 Min's longer than my normal routine. I may end up doing that this fall since it will be useless to try walking during a rain storm. Other wise I'm in pretty good health, part of me was dying inside as I was talking to Ch, we both knew that I was constantly getting sick. But that comes with having kids, if one of them gets sick well your next in line to catch whatever it is that they came home from school with.

So here I am finally letting every one know that I'm letting go of my silence, and that Premature Menopause is no walk in the park, because that's how I've gained weight and now I'm fighting to loose it. With the holidays slowly approaching believe me it's going to be hell for me, I'm not going to let this interfere with my baking. I'll just have to make sure I've got a lot of fruit on hand, lots of ovaltine mix for my milk, that way I won't be snacking on the cookie dough, or anything else for that matter. And watching how much food I put on my plate, doc's orders told me to be mindful and I shall.

My thoughts and prayers have always been very positive, no matter what I've been through and they will continue to do so.

Quietness

It doesn't matter how many times I say I love you, it doesn't matter how many times my heart was broken by C's actions. The love of two parents is what we give each of our boys, since we had found out that C was going to S.F. for two weeks we had a hell of a time getting things ready for this short break. His clothes were packed on Sat. made sure C had everything yesterday today was difficult, a heart breaking task that needed to be done, there was no turning back once papers were signed there was no I can't do this, the strength that I carry I knew would not fail me. Yet deep down I want to scream, yell and say what did I do to deserve this!?! Where did we go wrong. I keep going over every thing from previous months to now; Knowing full well we have tried every thing from getting outside help to come in, more counseling appointments with the county and with Kaiser. Just when I thought that his tantrums were close to coming to an end there was finally a time for me to breath. C's behaviors seemed to get worse, it didn't matter how much of myself or Ch would give C it wasn't enough, he wanted more thrived on more, until we were both worn out. Today I cried I let myself shed tears that have been laid in dormant for too long, tears of every thing that I've been through with C, tears that seemed to shake me that I haven't felt since my own mother died four years ago. Having C not knowing how to react to my crying sitting there on the floor looking at shelves of toys. Sharing a history of pain, hurt, and answers that didn't make any sense. While I was sitting there with Ch and another counselor, it seems as though there have been so many of these in the last two years. And having to tell my story again wasn't easy, this time it took someone with compassion that understood where you were coming from. C kept pushing I and his dad out the door, he didn't want us to be there any longer, we left him there to finish his lunch. His helpers tried to explained to him that he wouldn't be seeing us for a while, that he would be all by himself. C was fine with that, we tried to make him understand that this was where he was going to be, he wasn't coming home with us. Not for a few days.

As we took our leave I prayed that C would be safe and the angles would look after him, he needs those badly and don't we all when times are tough. His counselor directed us to a restaurant that was across the street from the ocean, a very good place to eat if your ever in S.F., not far from the Golden Gate park, we walked around there for a little bit drove a few blocks up from there took some more pics and headed back down the coast. We stopped to take some more pics before heading to the air port to pick the in laws, they came home yesterday from their month long vacation. For me the ocean gives me a sense of renewing strength, it's beauty can over take any surfer if not careful; It was a blessing that it was warm in S.F. usually it's cold and foggy, today we had sunshine a little bite in the air which wasn't bad.

Our first night with out C was tough, out of habit I walked into his room realizing that he's not here. His room may not be neat and tidy, I turned on his light, I can still hear his whining his tempers not far behind. Instead it's quiet, a quiet that I haven't had in two years. Many times I've prayed for peace in my loving home, not like this not with C gone. For the longest time we needed to do something, anything to help him with his behaviors, and outbursts. And with that I pray that he gets the help he needs.

C did call not just once but three times today, once while I was at work, another while I in Sam's club to order a cake for J. The next was late this evening just about the time we were going to call him, he called us instead. C wanted to hang up before I and J had a chance to say goodnight and ask how he was doing, he told me he was scared, and sad. I told him to pray before he hung up. With this I pray that he continues to strive that C will get the help he needs, or at least let this be another step in the direction that will lead to more help for him.