Quietness

It doesn't matter how many times I say I love you, it doesn't matter how many times my heart was broken by C's actions. The love of two parents is what we give each of our boys, since we had found out that C was going to S.F. for two weeks we had a hell of a time getting things ready for this short break. His clothes were packed on Sat. made sure C had everything yesterday today was difficult, a heart breaking task that needed to be done, there was no turning back once papers were signed there was no I can't do this, the strength that I carry I knew would not fail me. Yet deep down I want to scream, yell and say what did I do to deserve this!?! Where did we go wrong. I keep going over every thing from previous months to now; Knowing full well we have tried every thing from getting outside help to come in, more counseling appointments with the county and with Kaiser. Just when I thought that his tantrums were close to coming to an end there was finally a time for me to breath. C's behaviors seemed to get worse, it didn't matter how much of myself or Ch would give C it wasn't enough, he wanted more thrived on more, until we were both worn out. Today I cried I let myself shed tears that have been laid in dormant for too long, tears of every thing that I've been through with C, tears that seemed to shake me that I haven't felt since my own mother died four years ago. Having C not knowing how to react to my crying sitting there on the floor looking at shelves of toys. Sharing a history of pain, hurt, and answers that didn't make any sense. While I was sitting there with Ch and another counselor, it seems as though there have been so many of these in the last two years. And having to tell my story again wasn't easy, this time it took someone with compassion that understood where you were coming from. C kept pushing I and his dad out the door, he didn't want us to be there any longer, we left him there to finish his lunch. His helpers tried to explained to him that he wouldn't be seeing us for a while, that he would be all by himself. C was fine with that, we tried to make him understand that this was where he was going to be, he wasn't coming home with us. Not for a few days.

As we took our leave I prayed that C would be safe and the angles would look after him, he needs those badly and don't we all when times are tough. His counselor directed us to a restaurant that was across the street from the ocean, a very good place to eat if your ever in S.F., not far from the Golden Gate park, we walked around there for a little bit drove a few blocks up from there took some more pics and headed back down the coast. We stopped to take some more pics before heading to the air port to pick the in laws, they came home yesterday from their month long vacation. For me the ocean gives me a sense of renewing strength, it's beauty can over take any surfer if not careful; It was a blessing that it was warm in S.F. usually it's cold and foggy, today we had sunshine a little bite in the air which wasn't bad.

Our first night with out C was tough, out of habit I walked into his room realizing that he's not here. His room may not be neat and tidy, I turned on his light, I can still hear his whining his tempers not far behind. Instead it's quiet, a quiet that I haven't had in two years. Many times I've prayed for peace in my loving home, not like this not with C gone. For the longest time we needed to do something, anything to help him with his behaviors, and outbursts. And with that I pray that he gets the help he needs.

C did call not just once but three times today, once while I was at work, another while I in Sam's club to order a cake for J. The next was late this evening just about the time we were going to call him, he called us instead. C wanted to hang up before I and J had a chance to say goodnight and ask how he was doing, he told me he was scared, and sad. I told him to pray before he hung up. With this I pray that he continues to strive that C will get the help he needs, or at least let this be another step in the direction that will lead to more help for him.