Conversations And Other Stuff

Maybe it should read TMI, of course there is other things, that sisters and brothers should not share with one another. My loving brother who I'm very close with has been calling me a lot lately, he's finally got himself a cell phone one that he can actaully call me on. And one that I hope that he can keep. So any way here's what our blushing conversation went.

Brother - Hey Sis what's going on?

Me - Nothing much getting dinner done.

Brother - I've er got something to ask you, that I can't ask any one else. (My thoughts oh great don't tell me about your sex life, because I'm not interested in it).

Brother - Are you still there?

Me - Yes. Okay go ahead and ask....or dare I want to know.

Brother - Have you ever.....um.....shaved your neither regions?

Me - OH MY GOD I don't believe your asking me this question, this is one thing you just don't share with your sister!

Brother - It's one question you just don't ask your best friend because he's a guy, and I couldn't ask him for his opinion...I had to ask you.

Me - Okay here's the deal...if I tell you....YOU better not say another word to me about this,

Brother - Oh this is cool! I've finally gotten you out of your box. My thoughts my own brother has gotten me good! Well are you going to tell me?

Me - Yes I have are you happy Now!?! Since you've got me blushing let me just say my brother was very proud of himself, he was laughing thought it was pretty good. To say the least I told him the truth he asked if it's suppose to burn? Okay you know something this is not my favorite subject Brother - I know isn't it great your finally opening up? Oh hell!!... I use to.... not any more too many infections. Now I just shave my bikini line, I hope your happy for getting me all flustered Brother - Yes very happy. My thoughts your lucky you don't live close someone was getting some ice in a bag under the covers. Brother - Is it suppose to burn? So your pain eh LOL! Okay that's uncalled for. To say the least I wanted to crown my brother; We talked about how his new girl friend and him were getting along, and how his work was going. Just the regular every day stuff. He finally talked to our sister and my God Mother who isn't all that well, at least she is moving along pretty well for a 92 yr old.

After lots of thinking and praying I've decided to return back to school, they don't have any day classes, only evening I've got two people in mind. I'm sure that this will work out and I can move on to bigger and better challenges. For some reason I love a challenge I also like to take chances of doing things that get me motivated in the right direction. So I'm going to start back to school on Dec 19Th. My orientation is on Dec 13Th, which is just right around the corner. I'm excited yet a little nervous of going back, I know this will be good for me, and hopefully when the time is right I can go back into massage therapy, and find a school that is not so costly.

This has been sitting on my computer for a week yikes! I had it all figured out put boys to bed finish and head to bed myself, as some plans do fail at times at least I've finally got a post that isn't three weeks delay. As soon as I get this baby sitting thing in order and hopefully that will be soon, I'll be posting a little more.

Where To Begin

Yes those who are still here, it's been a crazy week; And feeling the pinch of how the hell did I get into this mess in the first place? And now I've put a forbearance against my student loan because I don't make enough to pay the damn bill, because my boss has decided not to give me a raise after being there for a year, oh you get a shirt instead, that won't pay my truck payment that won't help buy my boys shoes they need, that won't help with our house payment that just went up a hundred dollars this month; Hell I should have thought this through a lot more than I did. The only light that has actually seeing us through if it works out, is babysitting we'll see how long I can keep up with it, without losing my Patience with C. She's a friend of mine we lost contact a few years ago. My wonderful friend said she couldn't do it because she makes too much. She asked me if I was willing to help out? So I've got two girls along with J and C. We do need the extra income the only thing is I'll have to claim this money on my taxes, I'm getting paid through the county.

The thin light to this situation is possably going back to school again, the only problem with that is finding the time, money and praying for a miracle, without nothing going wrong. Hell I've had it a lot worse than this, that's one memory that I have never shared with any one, the only people that know is my brother and my sister we feel it more this time of year. I'll just leave the rest alone. So any way back to my forbearance loan when I was talking to the customer service rep, she said that it will be for 1 yr, so I don't have to pay anything the only thing that would help a lot is for me to go back to school asap, even though the loan is inactive the default will turn itself around saying that I'm a student trying to make a better life for her family.

So here's my question to any one that has ever done this before, so what college should I be looking into? One that will take ungodly time to get through or one that will help finding a job in less than a year? Any suggestions would help. Right now Massage Therapy this time of year sucks big time, at least I was working during Thanksgiving weekend. Having three appointments and all of them are either five dollar tips or on the cards it doesn't help, most of us live off of our tips when our paychecks are gone. That's were I'm standing right now, of course it doesn't help that I'm taking a much needed break at the end of this month so I can clear my head without feeling more stressed out than I am feeling right now.

I would look for a new job right now which is imposable, I mean anything can change at work they could have me booked solid or it could stay the same. Even though one of Ch's old crew members asked me if I was willing to work up in Napa at a place that I had applied sevarel months ago, I would if the price was right, I'm not traveling up there when she wants to pay me $7.00 an hour the same is what I'm making now. And if the tips are anything like I'm getting at this place it wouldn't be worth the drive, traffic, and gas, I should be bringing home more than $453.02 that was my last paycheck. Hell yes it could be a lot worse, I can't even go down to my uncles house who doesn't live too far from me, every time I call him he wants to know when I'm coming to see him. I tell him soon, I know that's not good enough which hurts me a lot for telling him that. He's the one that helped my mom out when us kids were little.

Every thing happens for a reason, hell maybe a second time in going back to school will be better than the first. If I can figure out a way of paying for the classes, right now I'm feeling very stressed one minute I feel hungry the next, I'm not wanting anything to eat; This has happen before, when I get like this or I want to cry, pray, scream with rage and feeling as if I'm being tortured of Christmas Past. That's one memory I don't want my boys to ever have, I will not beg my mother in law for money we did that last month, because we didn't have enough to pay our house payment lucky for us dad doesn't know unless mom told him. Praying she didn't.

Praying for happy, peaceful thoughts and may I find my path that lead me to more of peace that I'm feeling right now.

I've Turned 2!

And I rather be hanging out here instead of being at work, I'm having issues at work and I'm not sure if I want to continue being a massage therapist. It's starting to make me mad and very disappointed in this company it's more of my colleagues than the company. I work for Massage Envy at first I thought it was a really good job, after a while I'm not all that sure of how I really feel about this company, and they are based in AZ. And right now I'm having negative thoughts on how the location that I'm working at is not the greatest. I can not transfer out because they have already denied me of that, because I don't have issues with any of my co-workers I get along well with my clients that come in and see once in a while. I'm not even sure what is in store for me, whatever my future may hold may it be a positive out look and not what I'm doing now. I've learned a lot from working here not enough to get me out, they don't offer continuing education course which I have to look into for my insurance policy. Even then it's a lot of money to keep that up. Right now I'm sticking this out until we get our taxes done, if there is enough money for me to go back to school, any school I'm very seriously going to look at a different career path, one that I won't have to stress over.



Besides writing posts on just about every thing, any thing, and having a place that I can vent has really helped in a lot of ways, I and Ch haven't really fought since I started my blog just a little over a year ago. Sure we've had a few ups and downs, nothing for us to really fight about, how can we? When he works nights and I work during the day, we don't get to see one another all that much, except for dinner with all of us. Either I take dinner to him or I'll have him come home for dinner, it depends on what he's got going on. Or if C decides to throw a temper before we walk out the door to see Ch. Then I'll call him ask him if it's possable for you to come home? C's having a rough evening a temper more like it. I was once asked how I felt about him working evenings? My reply was he's not having issues with his co-workers that he use to work with, his hours may not be ideal for a family like ours, but at least I know he's much happier, sure he misses being home in the evenings, I know it's not what we would always want for now we manage pretty well.



Having to really look at where we have been, and what it's taken for us to get where we are today, just learning that every day is better than the last. Not taking each other for granted is one of the positive steps we have taken, not getting mad over the little stuff that comes up. Even when I happen to leave the laundry sitting on the couch because I'm exhausted from chasing C around the block or it's just been one of those lousy days at work and my head is pounding because someone wore way too much perfume the night before, oh I've had that happen boy stale perfume has an awful smell to it. Sorry if I've offended any of you, I can't wear any of it I'll break out into one massive sneeze fit, my eyes start itching, my nose comes all stuffed up. It's not fun.



Was it tough to write about any thing that I've posted this year? Looking back over my two years of posting many of my writings have been about love, life, and loss. Either way I know it's part of growing you can't change what has happened, but you can at least give yourself enough time and breathing room to coupe. It's not easy to do even in my line of work I have to be careful of how close I get with clients many of them have told they would cancel their memberships because I know what I'm doing. Which is a hard one to swallow, I feel that I would be letting them down, at the same time I know the stress that I've been under is not good. I also know that life is too short for mistakes, learning from them is a better climb to what is in store. I believe whole heartedly that paths will open when I least expect them to, in the meantime I will keep my head up thank god for the good things he has given me, be thankful for the family and friends that I have.

As for J's unkind neighborhood kid, he's finally getting the clue to stay away from each other. J doesn't want to be his friend because of the way he treats him, neighbor kid isn't the type of boy that he needs to be hanging out with. J sees him as a bad influence on C, which is good J doesn't like the way he treats other kids and teachers at school. We'll see what happens after fall break, they got out on Friday, I know here it is Sunday and I'm still working on this post; That's what happens when you've got so much going on and life seems to get in the way.

So what's next for my blog? I'm not really sure at the moment, I'm hoping to be able to post more positive outlooks maybe a little venting now and then. Or just being able to leave it open for suggestions, I wanted to be able to feel again, love again and laugh again. And you know I've done it all. I have become the person that I know I should be, very caring loving and a friend with open arms. Tonight I started baby sitting again, I've done it off and on over the years. And when I walked up to the gals apartment, we already knew one another. She couldn't believe it, here she thought oh no not another stranger! And when she turned around and saw me she was pretty relieved, I took her two youngest girls with me, brought them home. C had so much fun that he actually stayed put for the first time in months. What a blessing for both of us working mom's that know each other. I've known her oldest and middle child when I was working at the store I didn't know she had another little girl. I take them for a few hours that way her oldest will be able to get her chores and school work done, and I take the other two for a few hours a night. I'm glad to be doing something fun for a change instead of having to worry about work.

After working on this for a few days, due to so much activity going on. I'm able to look back and say I managed to get my life back in order, I was the one who found myself very sad, angry and wondering what the hell did I ever do to be treated without respect. Today I'm very happy, very much in love with the man that I married 13 1/2 yrs ago, with two loving boys that I'm proud to have. So Here's to those who say it can't be done, I say it can with lots of help, prayers and self respect. You can do just about anything that life throws at you. May I continue to grow in faith, love, and a woman that is full of life.

I'm Still Here

Not really sure where to start, needing to find the time to sit down and write what is going on. Just haven't had the time. With Ch working nights and me during the day, by the time I get home from work I'm either doing the laundry, cleaning the house, or making sure C doesn't run out the front door without permission, or hitting one of the neighborhood kids. Making sure I don't forget to put in an hour for myself, I've been known to forget about me when things have come up. We're all hanging in there, to say the least there are a few areas that are needing our attention, which I will be posting later this week if not tomorrow night. Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers. That we will get through this situation and J won't be getting himself kicked out of school, just pray for his self control he's back on the perfect attendese again this year. I will post more on this just bare with me; J is very upset right now and praying that he will choose his words and actions wisely.

This is all for now will be back tomorrow evening.

We're All Fine

By the time you all read this, it will be Wed. morning, tonight we had a 5.6 earth quack. At first I wasn't sure until Ch called me and I started to feel some strange movements and J who was sitting on the floor in front of the t.v. said the floor was moving. Ch was on a bridge waiting for openings because someone drove right through the gates on the Mc Colomee bridge. He thought it was a big rig going over the bridge then realized there was no one out there. At first I didn't believe he until I looked my, shandlelear was doing the waltz on it's own. Looked over at our water cooler it was doing the waltz too. J said that felt weird C said oh...was...that an earth shake? I said yes, I called my Godmother she felt all the way down in Turlock, very shallow felt as far as Pollick Pines. Lasted for about 1 min, 3 after shocks were also felt, I felt those 11 different after shocks. Centered near Milpitas at 8:05 p.m. tonight. They are saying continued aftershocks are expected in days to come.

It's very late for me I'm usually in bed. As for my cats one is outside, the other is not venturing outside she is a very nervous kitty right now. Was sleeping on the couch and as soon as C got in the bath and out, she is staying very close to C. Thats all I've got right now, Calaveras Fault is the one that is moving. That is all for now, I'm off to bed.

HAPPY HAllOWEEN!!

My Silence

I haven't told many people, Ch knows we've made jokes about it. Health wise I know that I'm not alone that many women go through this, many have said I'm too young. I haven't really said much about it in the past few years. Because it comes and goes, lately it's been a little worse than other times. I haven't had the chance to do any research, I'm too involved with both boys and no time to really look up any information, I've been told that many women younger than me have not had any children because their bodies seemed work against them. In my case I was very blessed to have two boys when we did, I'm slowly going through a change that is suppose to happen to older women, in their 40's not in their 30's. I'm not letting this awful change get the best of me. I'm learning to keep my tongue in check, I know that this is very important, I can't let every little thing get to me.

There are a few things that I don't like about this, is dealing with mild hot flashes. Yes people I did say that awful word! And not taking it back. Oh and the change of my sex drive, I haven't mentioned any of this in any of my post over the past year, because I thought it would go away on it's own and who was I kidding! At my last appointment back in April of this year, I was talking to my obgyn about my changes. We did a pap found that my body was differently going through what most women go through in their later years. I wasn't sure how to respond to this, I've known for a long time; Not knowing how to come out and say I've got this change and I'm going through and it's bit annoying if you ask me. So basically I've been living in silence not wanting to discuss any of this with any one, to be honest with you all I'd rather not have brought up this subject, but it's gotten to the point that I needed to write about it.

Sure there are times that I think of other kids, then just at that moment J and C start fighting then I realize that, it's better just having our two boys and not another one. I'm thrilled to have my two boys to keep me on my toes and play soccer, go fishing and just being able to enjoy them while they are growing. When I finally realized that these two were going to be it, my mind wanted to scream, I felt numb being told that I was going through the change, I felt like someone had taken the air out of my lungs. I asked my doc how does this happen? I'm young aren't I? This is something that we had talked about a year ago, and now it's caught up with me, and I don't know which was worse having a much needed surgery or having to be told that my body was going through premature menopause. It was like part of me just felt lost, not really sure if this was even happening. I wanted to be left alone, wanted nothing more than to come home and have the house to myself.

I remember coming home and telling Ch I'm fine, my iud is still in place and that my obgyn wants me to start watching my weight little bit closer, since I'm a little bit older. Nothing too serious, that every thing is good. I have to take a multi-vitamin make sure that I'm still eating healthy, which I do. Instead of five days a week she wants me to put in six days of workouts, which I do every other weekend. And to keep up the good work that I've been doing so far, nothing out of the unusual, has happened she did take a look at my breasts to make sure that they were doing good from the surgery that I recently had done. She was glad that every thing came out great that there were no complications. She did stress that I should be working out a little more, about 30 Min's longer than my normal routine. I may end up doing that this fall since it will be useless to try walking during a rain storm. Other wise I'm in pretty good health, part of me was dying inside as I was talking to Ch, we both knew that I was constantly getting sick. But that comes with having kids, if one of them gets sick well your next in line to catch whatever it is that they came home from school with.

So here I am finally letting every one know that I'm letting go of my silence, and that Premature Menopause is no walk in the park, because that's how I've gained weight and now I'm fighting to loose it. With the holidays slowly approaching believe me it's going to be hell for me, I'm not going to let this interfere with my baking. I'll just have to make sure I've got a lot of fruit on hand, lots of ovaltine mix for my milk, that way I won't be snacking on the cookie dough, or anything else for that matter. And watching how much food I put on my plate, doc's orders told me to be mindful and I shall.

My thoughts and prayers have always been very positive, no matter what I've been through and they will continue to do so.

Quietness

It doesn't matter how many times I say I love you, it doesn't matter how many times my heart was broken by C's actions. The love of two parents is what we give each of our boys, since we had found out that C was going to S.F. for two weeks we had a hell of a time getting things ready for this short break. His clothes were packed on Sat. made sure C had everything yesterday today was difficult, a heart breaking task that needed to be done, there was no turning back once papers were signed there was no I can't do this, the strength that I carry I knew would not fail me. Yet deep down I want to scream, yell and say what did I do to deserve this!?! Where did we go wrong. I keep going over every thing from previous months to now; Knowing full well we have tried every thing from getting outside help to come in, more counseling appointments with the county and with Kaiser. Just when I thought that his tantrums were close to coming to an end there was finally a time for me to breath. C's behaviors seemed to get worse, it didn't matter how much of myself or Ch would give C it wasn't enough, he wanted more thrived on more, until we were both worn out. Today I cried I let myself shed tears that have been laid in dormant for too long, tears of every thing that I've been through with C, tears that seemed to shake me that I haven't felt since my own mother died four years ago. Having C not knowing how to react to my crying sitting there on the floor looking at shelves of toys. Sharing a history of pain, hurt, and answers that didn't make any sense. While I was sitting there with Ch and another counselor, it seems as though there have been so many of these in the last two years. And having to tell my story again wasn't easy, this time it took someone with compassion that understood where you were coming from. C kept pushing I and his dad out the door, he didn't want us to be there any longer, we left him there to finish his lunch. His helpers tried to explained to him that he wouldn't be seeing us for a while, that he would be all by himself. C was fine with that, we tried to make him understand that this was where he was going to be, he wasn't coming home with us. Not for a few days.

As we took our leave I prayed that C would be safe and the angles would look after him, he needs those badly and don't we all when times are tough. His counselor directed us to a restaurant that was across the street from the ocean, a very good place to eat if your ever in S.F., not far from the Golden Gate park, we walked around there for a little bit drove a few blocks up from there took some more pics and headed back down the coast. We stopped to take some more pics before heading to the air port to pick the in laws, they came home yesterday from their month long vacation. For me the ocean gives me a sense of renewing strength, it's beauty can over take any surfer if not careful; It was a blessing that it was warm in S.F. usually it's cold and foggy, today we had sunshine a little bite in the air which wasn't bad.

Our first night with out C was tough, out of habit I walked into his room realizing that he's not here. His room may not be neat and tidy, I turned on his light, I can still hear his whining his tempers not far behind. Instead it's quiet, a quiet that I haven't had in two years. Many times I've prayed for peace in my loving home, not like this not with C gone. For the longest time we needed to do something, anything to help him with his behaviors, and outbursts. And with that I pray that he gets the help he needs.

C did call not just once but three times today, once while I was at work, another while I in Sam's club to order a cake for J. The next was late this evening just about the time we were going to call him, he called us instead. C wanted to hang up before I and J had a chance to say goodnight and ask how he was doing, he told me he was scared, and sad. I told him to pray before he hung up. With this I pray that he continues to strive that C will get the help he needs, or at least let this be another step in the direction that will lead to more help for him.

Finally A Post!

It's been two weeks since I've written anything, or read any one. I've been dealing with so much stuff at the moment, that I seem to have less time at the computer; My days are long my evenings are short 4:45 a.m. comes early and I'm hitting the snooze button not a good thing, it's causing a slight problem with C getting up between 6:50 and 7:30 a.m, and why do you ask? because I'm running late leaving the house. Still making it to work on time, but it's also causing me to run into traffic when I leave around 7:10a.m. So with this starting next week I don't care how tired I feel or how much I want to lay in bed I must get up. Other than being a little lazy in the mornings we are doing very well, C is enjoying his new school he is finally getting the hang of how they run things, he's not having any of the issues that made his teachers or staff running for the nearest door. C is coming along really well, still has a few kinks that need to be worked out. Other wise he's good.

J is doing well hasn't missed a day of school yet ( Knock on Wood) he wasn't feeling well allergies had gotten to him, not enough for him to stay home, called his dad to take him so head ache med so he stayed at school. I think he's making up for the times he missed school, I just don't know when he missed a day of school, he's back on the perfect attendance list again. He's learning that asking for help is better than disrupting the class, as found this week got a recess detention for doing just that, Ch got the call yesterday about it, his teacher forgot to call and let us know this so he served his detention yesterday on his birthday. Even though he's a good kid the teachers love him he'll get himself into a little hot water, not all the time just enough to let himself know it's not something to be proud of.

As for me I'm here survived another work which has finally picked, the tips haven't been all that great. A lot of it has to do with kids being back in school again, other wise I'm doing good been under a little more stress than the normal which has scared Ch a little, my blood pressure stays right around 128/78 lately it's risen just a tad bit over that; Not enough to send me to the doc's enough to let me know that I do need to take a much needed break, after seeing my tips not as good as they were over a month ago, I'm taking longer breaks after J and C goes to bed, I'll read for about an hour then I'll turn off the light and go to sleep. We are dog sitting for my in-laws Buddy's staying with us until Oct 1st then he will return back to them, our back yard it's something to be desired, let me just say it's going to need a lot of work sometime in the future.

I've taken a Friday evening when Ch was scanning pictures, and went into the bedroom, C was refusing to lay down and I had to walk out of his room, Ch ended up putting him to bed. I retreated to the bedroom and read, by the time Ch came to see how I was doing I had turned out the light and was dosing off. He said no ice cream? Or any time for us? Well you said to take a break so I did what you told me to do. The stress that I've been under was caused by C, his days at school were good for three days, then all of a sudden he just turned like he's done with other teachers. It was a tough week for all of us, so last Friday I had enough and took a time out for me, I even got a massage last Weds which was really good. She had me asleep on the table it's a tie between her and another Massage Therapist. I'm due for another, and a good adjustment.

It's the little things in life that I look forward to, we have to look for that silver lining no matter how bad we have it. J turned 13 yesterday wasn't happy about the dinner I had made, it seems there are dinners that kids won't touch, or they will just pick at it. At least he did eat it, with some complaints while I was cutting up potatoes and throwing in a few handful of carrots then I ended up over cooking my pot roast. It came out good just a little dry for my liking. It's part of wanting dinner done before 7:00 p.m. so I can make sure C is in bed by 9:00 p.m.

I think I've bored you all to death, I needed to update. There is something I'm not adding to this post. I wanted to leave it for another day, I'm not ready to reveal what it is, we are going out fishing tomorrow, the Salmon are running and we will be out with fishing pols and a lunch on the water rain or shine that's we're we will be. Our family matter will wait, spending time with the family is more important than what we are about to go through. Ch and I are doing very well, J is having a good year and C has his moments.

In the meantime be thankful for what you have, life can be tough. A parents love is all about tenderness, love and strength and if you had a rotten day and the kids are pushing your buttons you only get one chance to love them. On that note go do something fun what ever it may be, that's what we are doing tomorrow.

I'm Really Behind

Okay so it's been a few weeks since my last post, our weekends have been packed with things to do, things to see and places to go. Work has been very slow and I mean slow so far I've gone through two books and I'm now on #3 I'll be through that one in about a week or so if not shorter time. C will be starting school next Monday and we cannot wait! Hopefully work will pick up by then so far it's been pretty boring.

And for the most part having an almost teenager, has been a royal pain in the ass! I tell you as much as I love J he can be a real BRAT! So far this school year is already driving me nuts, I told them that I wanted a medium P.E. shirt they give him an extra large I'm not a happy camper the damn out fit cost me $20.00 and I'm not thrilled he gets stuck with a shirt that's too big! How I hate teachers that don't pay attention, to the size kids need and not the size that they don't need. I swear I'm going to get into it with J's p.e. teacher!

So how's every one else doing, I'll get to yous that I love to read as soon as I figure out home work, house work and dinner.

Saddness And Memories

This month I celebrated my 1 year annivesary at my job, I can't believe it's been a year already we opened up for business on Aug 11, o6. A year later I've seen a lot of changes, and encouragement that comes from being a Massage Therapist, and the heart aches that come with it. Today I received new of a client that worked as a prison guard. She was full of life and blessings, and if you needed to talk she would listen, today I had her co-worker that came in for a massage, she is 28 yrs old has two kids and was a massage therapist. Just out of luck I asked her if she knew a client of mine, she asked the name I told her, she said that she was sorry to inform me that she took her life about a month ago, I was stunned complete shock had raced through my body. I said are you sure? She was my client not long after we opened this place up; She was glad to have me back at work after I came back from medical leave, she missed me very much, and was pleased to know that every thing went well for me. She said that she was busy working o.t. at the local prison. She said that S.Y. was stealing o.t. from the prison she and her long time boyfriend split up about a week before she took her own life. The personel office was looking into why she was steeling o.t. from the prison and take off, while she was still clocked in, she explained to me that her father was still working for another correction facility, while all of this was taken place.

S.Y. was longer allowed to work in the prison area, but was busted down to doing the mail sort, she went on to explain to me that she was facing 5 yrs in the prison if they found her guilty of steeling.

I'm not sure what promt me of asking her how S. J. was doing, I just hadn't seen her in a long time, even though I had S. J's number I wasn't allowed to call her to see if she was okay, I could have taken the time to do it, I could have called her. With work place rules you are not allowed to contact any client outside of the business, because you would be terminated. I just didn't bring myself in calling her.

S. Y was someone with a spunky attituede a hair style that was off the wall, she told me she was blonde but dyed her hair jet black, made me laugh at times when I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. She understood what I was going through with C, and knew that it wasn't easy being a mom to a child with bi-polar, and having him with all the other disabilites that C has. She said hang in there, that everything was going to work out just fine.

It's been six months since I've been back to work, three months since S. Y. has came in for a massage. Today I found out why, she took her own life a co-worker went by her place to see why she hadn't showed up for work, he walked in found her dead on the floor of suicede is what he found her 38 yr old lifeless body a young woman who was following in her dad's footsteps. A woman that wanted nothing more than a weekly massage. A woman who I miss dearly; Even though she weighed more than I did, a little less than my late mom, she knew how to brighten up a room with her wild hair style. She was kind to every one, made you laugh in a moments notice, I was totally taken off guard a few times. S. Y. would say you know if it weren't for your good massages I don't think I could handle my work. I would say if you would take some time off you wouldn't have all these problems. Yea you got a point there but I knew she loved her job, but I don't think she really knew what was best for her.

Her parents came in last week and discontinued her membership, I don't think anyone realized who they were or who their daughter was, I did, and so did my other co-worker that handled her with care while I was out on leave.

This is dedicated to my client, my friend and a loving person who I will miss so much. Thank you for your kindness and love. S. Y. God Bless You!

When the most important things
in our life happen we quite often
do not know, at the moment, what
is going on.
C.S.Lewis

When I saw this yesterday, I didn't realize what I was in for, or how such wise words were being said. Today we got some horrible news C's school is closing it's doors on Aug 24, 07 and will not reopen for the new school year, we are scrabbling to find C placement, the hard part is finding a school or a group home that will cater to his needs. We have made several phone calls that needed to be made, I called my in home helper to let her know what was going on. I called another I.E.P coordinator, just to confirm with her that the news she got today was true. I feel like I'm walking a nightmare or someone Else's dream, all of us are complete utter shock; We barely had an I.E.P meeting and having them aboard was going to be the turning point in C's behaviors, as well as getting him back into a regular functioning classroom. We are all wondering the same thing if they knew about this why didn't they come out and tell us at the meeting, when we had them on speaker phone? Didn't they understand this was one in five chances of getting somewhere with C? We are totally not letting any one off the hook just yet, Ch needs to make a phone call to the Mental Health Department, and let the social worker know what is going on and to be persist an about C being placed where he get the help he needs so he can come home.

We both feel he needs this, his tantrums are not as bad as they were a few months ago, but he still needs to learn how to function in a home that is loving, and caring. He has a hard time with this, there are times he does fine then there are days that he just can't handle the simplest task like cleaning his bedroom, or put away toys. Speaking of toys I worked really hard the weekend that I noticed my eye was acting funny, I cleaned out his bedroom took out all the broken storage containers and a broken toy box out of his room, boxed up all the toys in plastic storage Ben's in the garage. That way he wouldn't be overwhelmed with toys, C is much happier since we took out those items. But there is still no break for me, or Ch we are still not where we want to be, being parents to a high maintenance child on our hands; Is three times more work than a child with less problems, we take the good with the bad and we move on. We have to continuously praise him for the good things C does, to let him know he's doing a great job at whatever it is he has been doing.

As for today Ch, and C had a counselors appointment this morning. I couldn't attend due to me being sick last week and not enough notice, I totally forgot about so please don't hold this against me. While in the appointment C was not willing to be very good, threw some blocks at the social worker along with a crutch. And the reason why he's on crutches a neighborhood kid whose usually really good pushed him off the ladder of our pool, while Ch was watching from the bedroom window. So that's the reason for the crutches. Then he turned onto his dad and started hitting him, I'm not sure what she said to Ch and I haven't been able to talk with Ch because he had to leave early for work because of (his damn drug test again)! I heard this from my second in command I.E.P coordinator.

I told her I've been praying that someone, would see and feel what we go through. Kelly (not her real name) maybe this is what we need to get C out of our house, it's like part of our I.E.P team heard what we are saying, but the new comer wasn't hearing very well. Or she's just not sure what we are saying is true, after today's I'll show you what I do to my mom and dad, type of attitude I'm praying that this will be the door that we need to help us.

I think this sums up most of our two days, of set backs that we have had to face, this week. Tomorrow or Friday we will find out where C will be transported to another school in our area.

Aug 16, 07
As this was started on Monday 13, and today we did find another school that is willing to take C, he will have 5 other 1st graders in his class, we get to check out the school sometime in the next week. The person that called today asked if we wanted her to come out and meet us, to check out the school. We choose to check the school and see what it's going to be like.

In the meantime we are hanging there many prayers have been said between I and K she will be starting her school year next week, so will J. I do feel for K she will not be teaching C this year. I'm praying once we get C where he needs to be, hoping and praying K will be able to take him.

Pink Eye Pink Eye

Please go away I'm missing work, and money to do things with. This is terrable not the best feeling either. I haven't missed a days work since, I got back from having my surgery done back in Jan. It all started last night I was out putting air in the ring of our pool because it has a slow leak, which I still cannot find, I've got most of them patched this one is a hard one to find. So last night before bed I took some hot med which I thought would cure what was ailing me, this morning I had no engery to do a work out or even going for a walk either. So I called my boss at 5:30 this morning, left a message, later she called me back she couldn't believe how bad I sound, sore throat, my eye is burning, just feeling awful. She said rest I'll let them know you will not be in. An hour or so later I called my doc's, which almost didn't happend because the advice nurse thought I didn't need to be seen and just have a phone consulation. I don't think so! I want to see my doctor please! Is it so hard just to come in and make sure it's not strep throat? So I got my appointment, saw a new doctor, because mine is out on leave for the next three weeks GRRR! The one I saw today was fine so it didn't bother me, who I saw as long as he/or she knows what they are doing. Sure enough he gave me a perscription for some onitment, told me to stay home for the next three days. Please tell me your joking right? He said no stay home until you are better or feel up to working. My work calls me I tell my co-worker, my eye is full of puss and it's burning. She said no worries we've been slow for the last three weeks, so why should this week be any different? You know there are times when things like this are ment for a reason, what that reason is I don't know.

So now I'm stuck in bed, with nothing to do. I'm not up for anything my eye is bothering to the point I want to scratch it, which won't help it. I've got a few good books to read which isn't all that bad. I love being busy like to work, I love my hours that I put in each day, and like any job I do have an annoying co-worker who can't stand the poeple that we work with. If you love what you do you should not be so negative about all the time. It doesn't help those who love their job, that makes them feel very insecure. In the mean time I'm going to rest up the best way I can and hopefully J and C will not bring any more kids over to play with; I'm really contagous this morning my eye is worst than it was yesterday.

Speaking of J and C, they are both not sick. C is enjoying his school as long as he goes to bed on time. J will be starting school on the 21st of this month, two weeks left then our house will be very still no one will be saying I'm board, or there is nothing to do. We are looking into getting J involed in 4h this year, I've already talked to his former teacher she said as soon as she gets back from vacation she will let me know when the first 4h meeting will be. He loves animals and this should be something that he may enjoy, a week from home isn't all that bad, okay so the laundry will be needing to be done. I'm willing to get him to do anything that requires him not watching t.v. or, getting himself into trouble with neighborhood kids who don't listen. In the meantime I'm not feeling all that well, and wanting to feel better go back to work so I can make some money.

I'm pretty much board out of my mind, I've never liked staying in bed. And this is one cold that I'll be glad to get rid of. My torso, legs and arms don't bother me it's my throat and and eye that have gotten the best of me. I think it's time to get my immune system back and go for a walk. Hopefully I can bring myself in writing something else.

I Have Nothing To Post

This is one of our family cats, he's pretty much the one that didn't leave the house, he took a liking to C and well he just pretty much became one of the family. His name is Mooch C named him I had nothing to do with it.



This is Sagwa, she was a gift from Ch; And no I didn't name her either, another one that C had named. I couldn't come with anything, they both come in at night stay out most of the day unless it's raining or it's hot outside. Sagwa sleeps with C almost all night until my alarm goes off. She can be a mischevious cat when she wants to be. Yea I know I have nothing at the moment.

Happy HNT!!

Before



After


I recently went back to see my plastic surgeon, he said every thing looks good there is still a mass in my left breast. We are going to leave it alone for the time being. We are not going in for another surgery, I have been massaging my breast which has helped. There is no need for surgery unless there is an absolute need for it, I'm very happy with the results, there is no scar tissue that is noticeable. He didn't want to go any smaller than a 36D because of my body size, at least they are smaller than what they were.

I Have Finally Found Me!!

After two years of blood, sweat and tears. It's time for another change for this here blog. Even though we are dealing with a child who has so many issues. I'm pretty much given up on the Why am I writing this? Because some one close to me hurt me and I'm finding my way back to me again. I figure it's about time I change it; to me it feels like that happen four years ago, in reality it happened two years ago. How time does fly by when your having fun. We've had some bad days and more of the good days. Neither one of us posted about what was causing an upset in our home we, figured we would work it out by ourselves. And that is exactly what we have done, and no I'm not done blogging There is so many posts that I really want to do. Whether they are emotional or funny like the post that I just finished yesterday; I'm still not telling you what I've got. It's part of my joy that I received two weekends ago. For me this my way of saying Thank you Lord, for every thing you have given me.

Through all the think and thin, we have come along way. Even as we are dealing with a child who has bipolar which is a hard case, we are relearning how to help C, with every day tasks, for most if not all of us it's easy for him it's not so easy. We are having in home visits from a program called Advanced Kids, she comes twice a week to set up plans and shows us how to handle C, when he's in one of his crises. It may look easy, trying to use just enough pressure and waiting for C to calm down, that's the hard part of getting him to calm down. There are no pictures for this new learning intervention. It does work, we have placed rules and a different type of reward system in our little home. So far it's working, we are pretty much taking everything that we are learning in stride.

July 9, 07
In this part of my post I'm going to let you all in my work, most of you know that I'm a C.M.T. which is not an easy job, you are not allowed to get too close to your clients, and sometimes it can not be helped. Today was one that I will not forget, one of my clients cancelled her membership she is dying of cancer, I have worked with her since she first came to us back in late March, early April she looked good she explained to me that she was fighting for her life, cancer was not going to take it. Both her and her husband always gets massages at the same time but in different rooms today for the first time, in a month that I've seen them, Alissa (not her real name), looks so fragile the fight is gone, her lovely silver gray hair there was none. She wore a lovely flower head cover, as I was working on her I took notice of how her skin took in the lotion, how her right arm was so thin, her left arm was swollen here she lays on my table enjoying her massage. The hardest part was when I had to turn her over from her stomach to her back, it took both I and her husband's m.t. went to get another pillow for her head, she looked into my eyes and said she was taken off all chemo treatments the cancer has spread to the left side of her stomach and this was going to be her last and final massage. As hard as I tried to hold back those tears of sadness, there was no way of hiding them. As I held the door open for both of them, he said to me thank you, she really enjoyed you giving her those massages.

She had told me two months ago that every thing seemed to be fine. Her cancer was in remission, I asked her husband of 35 yrs, so is the cancer gone? He said we'll see she's a fighter loves to travel, was a Captain in the Air Force in her early years. Today she is wheel chaired bound, I knew that massage was what she needed; I've worked on so many that are up there in age not sure if they would return to me. Some who were much younger than she, some who fought breast cancer and won, with a price of loosing a breast. Yet here they were receiving a wonderful gift that is not cheap. She was my client, a person that took my work and made it special moments, she made me laugh during our first session, she also loved my work she never had anyone take the time in letting her steal a nap while she was being worked on. After her first massage with me she said that was a real good massage you had me sleeping, I hope that didn't bother you? I said no you didn't you must have needed that. We thanked each other, she held my hand and told me I had a wonderful gift of massage.

Many times through out these last few months, I've either came across the survivors that are left to sort out the houses or apartments that they had left behind. I asked a question such as how was your weekend? Not even a second thought I would have one say I lost someone over the weekend, once they tell me that what use to be a knot was no longer present. They would ask how did I do that? Take a personal issue and make it go away, just for that hour. I've learned from the beginning to be in tuned with your client make them feel, as if they are drifting off the table make this their time. And sometimes not really knowing if they will return after all they ask how long should I go without getting a massage? Depends on your body, and if you want to continue with knots in your shoulders, or have your back hurting months at a time. It depends on you, every two weeks is better than going without for two or three months at a time.

I had two of my collages tell me, they would have done the same thing break down and cry. You gave her what she needed most, a massage that helped her relax you gave a cancer patient something that no one else could do, to give her what she needed most a good relaxing massage. She rarely sees anyone else at the clinic that I work at, I think she's seen one other m.t. but she always requested me, to work on her. I will miss her spunk, the talks that we had, and the smiles that made me feel that it was okay to share.

And yes I have found me, she's a gifted massage therapist, a mother of two boys, a wife to an active lead worker for Cal-Trans, a sister of two siblings. And a friend for those who need some one to lean on. And a believer that all things are passable through Christ who saves us.

The Heart Beat of America is today's .........

With that title in mind if you can't guess the new suv, that I got two weekends ago. You are so totally not getting what I got. Another hint it's an 05 atohe there you have it and yes I'm totally happy over this, my first new car! I've never had one, always wanted to know what it feels like to have bought something with very little miles on it. I mean we looked at several and this one had the least miles on it, shipped here out of Texas a client wanted to see it, turned around and left it on the lot. It's got a few scratches nothing too bad a dent in the front bumper. Other than that the body and interior is in great condition. I love it! Can't you tell! I'm so happy, and it's all mine! I've had so much fun showing it off, actually Ch's uncle and grandmother sat in it over the weekend, the complements on such a nice vrlocehet. (that's for those who can't get the title). Sorry no more hints.

The other thing that happened this past week that put Ch in a rough spot, C bit me on the thump I was trying to give him his med, while he was in a temper and he turned around and bit me so hard, he broke the skin. I had to receive a shot on Friday afternoon before going on our camping trip for the weekend. We even gave him his bike back since he was being really good, we thought he earned since he's been good. That was a mistake C took off from me again, while I was trying to eat dinner. J went after C, J called his dad from work if it weren't for his dad looking out his work window C would have been picked up by the police a second time. Not something either one of us would have wanted, it's been touch and go ever since. I called up Advanced Kids that we have set up for home visits she is going to give us a lot of stuff for us to use with C. We are praying this works, it had worked in school once so we are hoping for more positive behaviors rather than the negative behaviors. It's going to take a lot of work, from all of us we know he can do it, in order for it to work it's going to take a lot of help from everyone. I'm not willing to give up and neither is CH. We are going to help C as much as possible.

We also have found a new school for C, they provide the transportation, breakfast, lunch and snakes as the kids feel they need something to eat. They are going on their summer session starting on July 11Th, we are really excited for him in going they have lots of activities set up for the students, they even take the students to the beach, water slides, fishing and swimming. They also have school work they have to do. Not as intense as their fall session but enough for them to learn. C was really excited about going there. He wanted to know if he could start the following day? We told him that he won't be able to since this was their last week in school, he was fine with that. No complaints from me, they're staff is more trained in dealing with kids like C. Their goal is to get their students back into their home school, it's easier said than done, it will take some time on C's part since we've got lots of appointments, we are also looking into sending C to S.F. for a program that Kaiser has, we are not sure when this will take place.

Other than getting C the help that he needs, we are doing better. Today and tomorrow I'm off of work, took a much, much, needed vacation from all the hell I've been through. Ch is off too for the first time in months, we both have been working so much lately and with both boys being on summer vacation, well actually C will be starting school next week, we have this week to be with C. We even had our first visit to the doc's I've come down with a sinus infection my first this year, haven't been sick since my surgery, which is good. I'm a little tired not feeling all that great, which means no swimming until I'm over this, Which SUCKS! Because our weather has been so crazy, low 80's last week and this week we are in the hundreds a big jump from last week. Not really sure if this will last I haven't been able to keep an eye on the weather, two of my co-workers said they would cover my shifts that way I could spend some time with my family. Having these two days off I had plans of cleaning our bedroom doing the laundry, and mopping floors now that I'm not feeling all that great there goes my day. Rats!! I'm off to bed, I hope someone out there is having a blast while I'm feeling under the weather.

(Edit) Unscrable the words that fits this title. Sorry no help Ch hahah.

Checking In

I'm really behind in posting lately, there has been some positive changes one will be the title of this blog Summer Rose will remain the same the caption at the bottom will no longer say Why am I writting this? Because someone close to me hurt me, and I'm finding my way back to being me all over again. I'm looking for a new one. There is so much I want to say about this, I've been so overwhelmed in my family life that I haven't been able to post. We are leaving for the family reuion on Friday afternoon, and returning some time on Sunday afternoon. In the mean time have a wonderfull and blessing of a week I'll post as soon as I can.

My Week

If there is one thing that I've learned these two past weeks, is NEVER trust a woman! I'm sorry to say such words, but when your work is very dear and near to your heart, there some things that should stay out of the work place, such as having to hear your clinic supervisor is having an affair with one of your co-workers, no I'm not joking this truely happend, they both got fired a weekend ago. While I and Ch were at a graduation party, I got the call from one of my co-workers I was in the shower when she called she asked if I worked the night before? I said no I was out of town visiting family I said why? She told me that my supervisor and the Lead Massage Therapist was having an affair. I was in total shock! Here I thought I would be nice and let her know that God loves her and every thing with work, and family would be okay that she needs to continue to beleive that. I went as far as reading scriptures to her. I can't believe I trusted her, I thought she was better than my first clinic supervisor, then to find out that not only did she have an affair with a C.M.T, but she also had two other guys who were members to come to her house while her husband was away at work. Her hubby is in the military, and she has a son as well. Or should I say had a family, apparently she's done this before and she won a loss suit against the guy. Now she's done it again, this time my former co-worker is pressing charges against her, it's been a huge transition at work. We have refused to hire another Clinic Supervisor, until we are sure we are in need of one. Right now the responsabilites have landed on the shoulder's of the owner and one lead Therapist, and a receptionist, who has refused the position of clinic supervisor. They both love what they do they just don't want the responsibilites of clients that cancell their memberships and deal with advertising. Which I don't blame them, there is still a lot of pieces to pick up. We are slowly getting back on even keel.

I go into work on Monday the energy of my work was so awful, that I was feeling very dizzy. I couldn't come home they needed me there, it's one of those situations that just doesn't make any sence. To why she did such a stupid stunt like this? She was on several different kinds of meds, she was even taken Welbutrin and took herself off of it. I asked her if that was a good idea? My husband takes that, I was startled that she wouldn't see her doctor first, before she took herself off of it. She had every one fooled we thought she was a god send, aparently she didn't care who she hurt as long as she got whatever the hell she wanted. And yes she was a believer she claimed to have grown up in a Christian Private school one of her relatives is a preacher and she grew up in the bible belt. Either she had me fooled or she was really good at telling lies, and didn't care about anyone except for herself. She is gone and there is no turning back, she took my friendship and ruined it! And I can't believe I was so nice to her. It goes to show that making friends at work is just not a good thing. You would think that I would learn my lesson from working at different places, and yet I let the nice one's hurt me again! I'm okay I just feel hurt and confused as to what caused her to do such a rotten thing. Will I ever trust a woman figure again? I'm not sure I work with more gals than I do with guys, and sometimes males can be down right mean too.

We recently had a gossuping male therapist working for us, he was not some one I trust what so ever and yet my boss has put him on call. We are not working on the same nights I refuse to work with some one that doesn't know how to keep his thoughts and nose out of peoples conversations. You think that this stuff would actually end after high school, it goes to show that there are still people out there that don't care about another humans feelings. It's strange how my work place's energy changed after this weeks events, it's more peaceful, has more of a positive out look than it has since it's been open almost a year ago this coming August. We are a family of healers that just want the clients be at peace with themselves. It won't happen if there is so much negative thoughts and power, it makes work unpleasent.

On Thurs, June 14th my ex clinic supervisor was arrested for making a faulse police report. Right in front of her son and husband, who showed no emotions on what was happening, we are refusing to hire any new clinic supervisors at the moment we are putting one of my massage therapist in charge of the us, while one receptionist that has been with us for several months will be in charge of the receptionist. For the time being until we can figure out what to do next, there is no rush in getting someone new to take over the duties of getting things we need. The owner and her husband are taking care of us. Which feels better than having someone that just pulled every one against each other. We are making progress it's slow right now at least it hasn't stopped us from not being busy day after day.

In the meantime this post is very late getting published, it's hard when I don't know from day to day what C is going to pull. There is still five posts on how my feelings are, I'm sure I'll get the time to write them out, as soon as I can.
J just finished his school year out on Friday we check out a school for C on Wed. to see if this will be a good placememnt we are also waiting for a bed to open up at a hosipital in S.F. I'll post more on this soon.

Where Have I Been?

To answer this question, I've had two busy weekends. Last weekend I went to my second Women's Retreat up in Sonora, the weather was wonderful, the speaker was awesome. There was ten of us from one church, that enjoyed ourselves so much, I even went into the town of Sonora and picked up a new bathing suit. I had saved up all of my tip money about two weeks worth, and took it with me. Before I could really enjoy my weekend of no boys, including Ch. I might as well back up an hour before I could leave for my weekend.

As many of you know Ch has been seeing his counselor for over a year, and since it was a Friday, C has been sent home from school early all week. And since it was payday shopping, and I wasn't about to stay home and wait for the school to call us while we were out of town. So we went ahead and took C with us, he was really good at the two stores we went to, afterwards we went to Ch's doctors appointment. While Ch was in his appointment, I took C back and forth from the truck to doc's building. About 30 minutes into waiting around for Ch, C went into one of his temper tantrums, and this time someone from the counselors station got to see what we go through every day. I couldn't believe my answer to prayers! Finally someone from Kaiser got to see it, to see my son in action. And before I could even fill out the paper work I was hit on the wrist by C, let me just say for a 6 yr old he's got one powerful hit. A counselor came around the Conor to see where I was at, I said I was by the elevator. She couldn't believe her eyes, we talked while watching to see what C would do. He would run back and fourth in the hall way of Kaiser, she observed my son. Asked me a bunch of questions. It didn't take her long to realized we had talked on the phone trying to get help and answers to questions that none of the doctors at the other Kaiser could tell us.

She looked down at the book I was caring, with a child like C she said wow! You are also reading the book called The Secret. I said well it's one that I picked up and put down Ch bought it for me. She couldn't believe she asked me how long has C been like this? I explained to her it's been over a year, no one can give us a good answer to what is going on with C. The second time C came towards us he hit me right on my back side. Talk about a red mark where it doesn't belong, she was as shocked as I was. That's just part of his behavior that I go through, we finally got C to come with us. She took us to her office which had shelves with toys and a basket of toys that he played with, while we talked. I explained to her that Ch was with his doctor at the moment and that he's been having personal issues of his own that he's been dealing with. By that time Ch called me asked where we were at, I said across the hall from his doc's office. I said that I was with someone that actually saw what we have been going through.

The three of us ended up back into the waiting room of kaiser; I called my bible study teacher V told her that I would be driving myself again. I explained to her that we were at Kaiser C went into one of his tantrums, and I would see them when I got there. She reminded me that she loves me, that god loves me and is looking out for us. She would be praying for us. It didn't take long for a few doctors to come out and talk to us. They took us all into a conference room to talk to us and to get us contacted with the right person's that deal with children like C. By the time we got home, it was already 3:30 and I still needed to pack a few things. After my truck was loaded and every thing put inside I looked at the time and almost didn't want to go. It was already late, we spent over an hour at Kaiser I was getting irritated I wanted to just come home, leave for my retreat and not deal with any one. Because one will or can give us any answers. Well needless to say, they all agreed that there is something else going on with C, of course they asked me if I was seeing a counselor? I said no, my outlets is my work, my bible study, that I no longer attend since Ch is working nights. I have no one to watch my boys, I'm planning on going to a retreat leaving at 3:30 this afternoon.

I didn't get on the road until 4:00 p.m. Friday afternoon, and got lost getting up there. I have no idea how I did that one, I did make it in the dark. Pulled in at desert time. I was so close in turning around and coming home, that's how I bad and rotten I was feeling. After finding my way to my place where the retreat was, I was just happy to be with my church family. I explained to them what had happened and that it was a prayer that had finally been answered someone actually saw what we have been going through. Most of my group either went to bed early, or stayed up until 12: a.m. playing domino's. I took myself to bed after I gave every one a should massage. That was my Friday.

After a good nights sleep and getting up early, usually I'm still sleeping until 8:30 a.m. since I was away and wanting to enjoy the peacefulness of being away from home. The second part of the retreat, most of my group signed up for different activities I hung out at the pool most of the afternoon. Tried my hand at the rock climbing wall they have there, I didn't make it to the top like I did last year. I did enjoy myself. The speaker that was there this year was the singer from last year's retreat, she lost a child about a month after he was born. She shared her story on how she and her husband over came this tragedy. They have two children, one has ADHD, went through some of the behaviors of what we were going through. The only difference is that they sent their daughter away to a teen rehabilitation camp out of state. We cannot do that she explained to me, that they sent their daughter away for quite some time. Afterwards they had to relearn, rethink and help their daughter through tough times.

Even though we may have good times and bad times, and want to pull our hair out. We must remember that Patience, prayers and faith will get us through those tough times. All of us are on a road to recovery, C is very smart and just needs a good school that will accept him. Just like the speaker that I talked to, her daughter is very smart and doesn't forget anything either. It takes parents like us to let our kids know we love them no matter how bad they get. I'm so blessed to have many friends to stand by us and pray for us, if we need a shoulder to lean on they are there to guide us love us and encourage us.

My retreat was every thing that I needed, I'm so glad that I had the chance to get away and recharge my batteries. Thank you my dear hubby I'm glad that you sent me away again, I'm hoping to go again next year. The weather was as awesome as the retreat. Last year at this time we were cold rainy, this year we were in the eighties, we all had a good time.

I'm hoping to get in some writing, as soon as I can. There is so much I want to write about it's finding the time to do so. I know good things come to those who wait. And waiting is what every one is going to have to do.

Running Out Of Time

As ch has written we are running out of time, C has become more than just a hand full he has become a holy terror on two legs. Yes I have to say C has given me my share of bruises, just about kicked out the sliding glass window, actually he went as far as kicking out the bottom of our security screen door, while Ch was at work. Ch came by to see how things were going; To say the least he wasn't thrilled to find our new screen door busted up. This just the topper of what we are going through with C. He went as far as throwing a pair of scissors at school yesterday, I got the message on my cell letting me know that C will be coming home from school early. I called Ch letting him know what had happened, he tells there was no calls from the school. I get home and looked at the answering machine which is blinking, oh really C didn't get sent home from school early. Here's the message I played it, he didn't realize that C was sent home early. I wanted to yell but what good would that do? Nothing absolutely nothing! Anything that I do isn't good enough for this child, if J doesn't get his way or isn't paying attention to what I expect for him to do, then C goes into a tail spin. So yes I do have my hands full, while one child is running from me telling me he hates me, drops the Fbomb more than once, can't punish him which does nothing but gets us both upset. Has called me bitch don't ask me where he got that word from, it wasn't from me. As mad as C makes me I can't use foul words he will repeat them, bed time has become a major pain in the ass! There is no peace unless both boys are in bed. The only thing that seems to be working is turning off all the lights, playing a relaxing CD, and reading him a bed time story.

By the time I just about get settled into my reading, and relaxing is an hour before Ch walks through the door from work, I'm up about 5 a.m. due to change of hours at work go in early get off early, that way I can start on the house work or if there is laundry that needs to be done then I have time to get it started. This way I'm not rushing around trying to get a list of things that need to be done before dinner and after dinner. Bath time has become a real hard one, usually C will not fight me on this but lately it's been NO I don't want to, I don't have to! You can't make me. Oh really well guess what child your wrong, and I'm right.

We are so desperate for answers that it's not even funny, there is no even keel with C. He is either happy for about an hour, and all of a sudden it's like a switch that goes off and he's running all over the place, hitting, screaming, and I'm in total shock what the hell just happened. J and I didn't do anything, and this all takes place while I'm trying to cook dinner, and trying to figure out how long it's going to take, and what chores of mine needs to be done. I'm basically crying on the inside Lord please some one find an answer for this child of ours, there is barley enough hours in the day for any of us. It's becoming so overwhelming that I'm just so tired at night, that I'm not even sure if I'm getting enough sleep.

There is no doubt in my mind that C does need out side help. He is getting too strong too over baring for me to handle. We have reached a crises point with C, either Kaiser needs to step up to the plate and give us a place where C can go for help. Basically he cannot stay here any more. After the bruises he's given me and not to mention the one he gave J by throwing a shoe at him, which he showed me tonight, how the hell did that happen where the hell was I? Either in the bathroom or out doing laundry. I can't be in two places at once, C is going to wind up hurting himself real bad. My main concern is my safety, his brother's safety and that of a sliding glass window which is about ready to fall out. C has no control over any thing he says or does. One minute he can be down right loving, hugging, gives kisses and all of a sudden for no apparent reason, he just blows his top. And that's when the hitting, pinching, biting and I hate yous start up.

I can't believe I just wrote such an awful post, this has been on my mind for quite some time. I'm not sure how long it will be up or if I'm going to post this at all. I feel like a mom that doesn't care any more, which is not true. I'm just so exhausted with the out bursts and the hurtfulness that I'm getting from C, I love both of my boys very much. How much is too much? And when is it okay to say I've had enough? I'm dying inside my heart eachs for peace and love that I know is in C we just need to figure out how to tap into it, get him to be more loving than having him fight the way he does.

Faith And Hope

I can actually say that my faith and my hope, are the two most powerful aspects that get me through my toughest moments. This past weekend was Mother's Day, which was very nice. I had a lot of calls my brother from Utah called me, and wished me a Happy Mother's day, he even informed me that our dad and my step mom, are planning to move back to Mexico in a few years. A shock to all of us, my brother is not happy. We are both feeling very overwhelmed, we have a few years before they move. I haven't seen my dad since last summer, and the rest of the family a few years ago. It doesn't seem fair, we're all feeling a little bit sad. Faith brought us together, and hope brought us memories to last a life time. As always our phone conversations went from talking about jobs, our kids, and to what we will be doing for this special day. I even got to talk to my sister-in-law, she is doing fine. My two nephews and niece are doing good, growing the oldest is in Cub Scouts the other two are still a little young to join.

My Brother that I'm really close to also called me, he is doing fine. Except for the homesickness that he is feeling at the moment. He lost 20 pounds, from working and eating healthy. He has been warned not to lose any more, He is 6'1 while I'm 5'6 1/2 and thin. We talked about how much we miss our mom, and if she was here what she would be doing for Mother's Day. And how many times she would tell to stop running in the house! It's not been easy we keep wondering if there was something different we could have done. Only if she would have watched what she ate, and wondered if there was some way of getting her high blood pressure under control. Alas there was nothing that could be done. Her time was up and the Lord needed another angel.

My Boy's took me out to breakfast which was really good, we had a good time with CH's parents, I and my mom-in-law had chocolate covered strawberries they were soooooo goooood. After a wonderful breakfast we came home did some much needed work around the house, which is never ending. I vacuumed my suv all the carpets are cleaned the outside has been washed and my windshield is much better to see out of.
And yes we did go fishing last Friday it was a lot of fun, and yes I did help catch two cat fish on Ch's new fishing pole and reel. I do have to say it was so much fun, catching and releasing fish is the fun part.

As for things with C, they are the same; No change in his temperaments, C has also been kicked out of his after school program for the rest of the year. C is not allowed back until the next school year. So in the meantime I have changed my hours at work, CH has to be up with both boy's while I'm walking out the door at 7:00 a.m. and coming home an hour earlier, with school ending it's better that I start earlier and getting off early too. That way we don't have to worry about a babysitter during the summer or when school starts back up in late August. And now I can actually can come home and do my house work that seems to wait until the weekends, then again that doesn't last very long, since we've seemed to have found something to do as a family such as night fishing or going away for the day.

My evenings are sometimes filled with temper tantrums that are non-stop. Or trying to get two boys into bed by 9:00 p.m. then finding that I'm very exhausted from the days work and the drive home that I'm wanting to fall asleep the minute I get home. I know the cause of this, I've forgotten to take my multi-vitamins that I'm suppose to take. Which lately I haven't been doing that.

J is doing good in school, he recently got a C+ on his science fair project. Which is a pretty good grade. No complaints from me or his dad, he is giving it his best shot, now if he would only remember to give important information that way I know exactly what is going on at school. He didn't tell me that picture day was the week after Spring break I walked into the office last Friday to let them know that he had a Chiropractor's appointment and that they recently had picture day. Now I have to wait until next spring to get his done. Since kids do tend to grow more during the fall and late spring it's better to get them done right before school lets out.

Since we couldn't have ch home for dinner, we took him dinner on Mother's Day evening of course J and C thought it would be fun to try to keep an Alligator lizard as a pet which is now running loose in the garage, I'm hoping one of the cat's will take care of it. I can't believe the two of them thought is fun to let such a icky critter run around in the garage. I'm hoping it doesn't show up while I'm doing the laundry or cooking dinner. And if the darn thing dies in my laundry someone will be doing the laundry and it won't be me! I think it's time to teach J how to do the laundry *evil grin*.

It's about time to get dinner on the table and maybe, just maybe a relaxing evening before I go to bed. We'll have to see, every time I try to do that my boys seem to think it's their time to be up. Mom is in need of recharging her batteries.
That's all for now I'll try to keep you all updated, when I get a moment of quietness.


Last but not least, I would like to say farewell to a wonderful blogger who has been around longer than I have. May Artful Dodger and Lady L, have a blessed life together. May their families be stronger than ever, they both are very caring people. So Here's to Artful Doger God Bless you and Farewell. You will be truly missed.

Things are not still not the best, life has yet thrown another punch. I can't even concentrate on any of my devotions I've got J and C wanting to play around until after 8 p.m. and now I have to get up thirty minutes earlier than normal because C has been kicked out of his afterschool program this week. Not to mention he's just about being kicked out of his second school, so now were do we go from here? I'm loosing an up hill battle, I'm being tossed by the sea. With no shore in sight, so much darkness that is surrounding every little place that I look that my emotions are taking over. I have no time to cry, I have no time to read, I have no time to fold five loads of laundry. And now this!! Please Lord no more! I can't even think at the moment. Right now I'm feeling very overwhelmed. Now not only do I have C up now I've got J up too. I'm going now I'll write when I can.
Love
Summer

Very Tired

Yes it's true I'm very tired, after the two days of a nightmare that I would never would expect C to even think of doing and saying; It's just amazing that I even made it home from work on Monday afternoon. We've seen C at his worse, nothing like this, I don't think that any one is ever prepared for this kind of behavior. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling at the moment, it's a lot of numbness that I'm feeling or whether it's I'm just very tired from the last two days. It's one thing of not getting answers and another of having us being told that were at fault and that we are the one's who are putting these kinds of thoughts into our son's head. Which in turn we did file a formal complaint this morning, and my call to the number that is located on the back of the card, is when they did call us back. Ch was on the phone with Kaiser when I arrived home. I was told by my supervisor that I was to turn around, and go home we weren't busy enough and that today would be fine. She told she is expecting me to be there at work; I have at least three clients tomorrow morning.

I explained to her that I can't afford to lose my job, Angela (Not her real name)...said that wouldn't happen she promise me this right then and there, I can't believe my supervisor would go to such lengths as to say that my job will be there tomorrow, that my family is to come first. This is what I call a blessing to have a caring person to work and stand beside their employee's. I made a call to C's regular doctor this morning Ch was not too thrilled he thought I was changing doctors on C. I said No I'm not, I've worked too hard too long to find the right doctor that will actually listen to what I have to say. And if I have any questions that he would not walk out of the room with out giving me an answer. C loves his doctor, I can't change him now. And have to go through the process of finding a doc. like this one. I don't think so! I'm staying in the East bay for J and C's medical care. The rest I'll move my child from.

And so today we did just that, C has an appointment not too far from where I work. C will be out of school until we see this new counselor starting tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. The end results of the doctors appointment this evening was, getting C's blood tested a third time, poor child Ch was the bad guy, I was the good guy took C out to dinner. The doctor is looking for a chromosome called fragile X, it's something to do with the size of the child's head. And usually children with this has a more of a long face to them, in C's case his head is not. The doc also sent another referral to the Autism center near San Jose, and see if they can give us a second oppion the first one doesn't make any sense at all.

We have to wait a week for the blood test to come back, I even went as far asking about a brain scan doc said that wouldn't really give us any clear cut answers because C is still growing and it wouldn't give us any answers to what the problem is. I did the right thing took C back to his pediatrician to have him look at C a little more closely, and he even agrees with us, that the Mental Health Center is wrong. That we have been looking for the right answer since C was 4 yrs old. And he is now 6 yrs old, he is getting stronger every day and has one powerful kick to him. My bruises have healed, C's temperament is at a crises stage, and finding what is making him tick is what we are looking for.

I want to thank each and every one of you, for your prayers well wishes and continued support for us. I would write more I'm very exhausted, I've made two calls tonight, we are very blessed to have meet the right people, from the church that I attend. Without their support in the last two days I don't think I would be able to get through today. We still have a long way to go, and our prayer is that the tests come back with something to go on, that the new counselor will be able to help us. In getting down to what is making C tick.

Until next time Good Night.

100 Posts!

Wow now that's what I call, a lot of writing! Actually I could've hit my 100Th during lent, since I needed time to regain control, over my spiritual life. I'm a much happier person. Things at work are going well, I'm no longer wanting to quit, which is a good thing, now if only the receptionist would take a second to see what modalities I'm aloud to do it would make my life so much easier. Life goes on, I can't complain, as long as there is someone who does a better job at Deep Tissue I can, then I won't have any problems.


As for last night, it was a little crazy Ch called me and said J's glasses are in and if I didn't mind if he went and bought a new camera, that's fine we do need a new one the one that we had, it's been through the ringer. It's the one that has seen it's shares of hunting, fishing, family gatherings and birthdays since it was given to us as an early Christmas gift one year from mom and dad in-laws. We've put it to good use. It finally gave out about a week ago or so, didn't want to focus any more, didn't want to take any more pictures and the batteries kept dying in it. Yesterday we needed a camera, the same time J's new glasses were in so Ch called me and asked if it was okay for him to buy a camera with out me. I said sure you know what you are looking for I don't, as long as it's user friendly. Camera's and me don't get a long very well, when you have so many things to do and don't have the Patience to learn then it gets complicated.

Ch brought home the camera realized that it had the wrong battery, and cord he had to make another trip back over the bridge another $4.00 toll, they gave him one that would charge in the truck and would be ready for this evening. While he was dealing with a camera issues, I stayed at home and made dinner which turned out pretty good with a little helping hand from my mom in law. So what was I making that needed a little help with? Homemade Lasagna! We make this once in a while, it's not every often that we get to have this kind of dinner. We were suppose to have both parents over and his grandmother, Dad in law came down with a bad cold so mom in law and grandma, and the four us were the only one's here for dinner.

After dinner came the fun part, opening the presents! That my loving, caring family got me. Two out of five presents I knew about, my mom in law let it slip she got me the necklace and matching earrings for my birthday, she even threw in her Satin Hands set from Mary Kay. That stuff really works! Better than the store bought stuff. As always $20.00 from grandma, I told her that I would buy a smoothie maker, since I love fresh smoothies. A set of lounge pants and lounge tank tops from J and C. A pink Oakland A's jersey, it's so cool! A Keith Urban CD, my last but not least. Oh this one I can take to work when I have nothing to do, a Nintendo DS, in pink! And a game called nintendogs. You get to buy the type of dog you want, buy it's food and water, play with it pick up it's droppings, and the best part about the game it doesn't bother my allergies! I know I'm being such a youngster, since I've got two of them if you can't beat them, might as well join them! They both have Advanced Gameboys. They both wanted me to let them try it, dad told them it was mine and to leave me alone, and let me play with it. Oh and I almost forgot CH came home with 2 dozen orange pink roses. They were so pretty, I think I have a pic. Unless it was one of those sure I'll take the pic when I have time.

Even though we had camera issues it was a good birthday, the best part about the camera is that it's user friendly I took some pictures with it yesterday. One of the cutest pic of my cat in an empty birthday bag. She loves those, I'll have to post it from the family computer. I'll save it for another time.

Edit: This post is 8 days late, we're dealing with a lot of difficulties right now. As always keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Tonight was the first time in over a month that I attended a bible study class and got the new book. I'm looking forward on how this book turns out. The only thing I forgot to ask my bible study teacher was her email addy that way I can keep up with every one else.

Thank you to all of you that have given us well wishes before, and who have stayed with us through thick and thin. May we all continue to strive, in the right direction.

Love
Summer Rose

Happy 32nd Birthday!!

Yes is true I turned 32 today, and it was an okay day. Lots of calls since yesterday, my dad, my brother, today my sister called left me a message which I got after work. It was a long day one mistake was made by one of the receptionist, they weren't watching what they are doing, booked me a massage then forgot to put in that it was a chair massage. It's one thing to book the appointment then another to forget the important information, of what kind of massage the cleint is need of. In this case it was a 30 min chair massage. I've done table massages for this long, but since it wasn't put in the computer right, I was late getting to the client. Of course I gave the client the right amount of time and giving her a little extra few minutes on her back and neck.

You take the good with the bad, and try to make sure mistakes like this doesn't happen again. To me it's just part of the job, making sure the clients needs are taken care of. And if they are a little sad or feeling the need to cry I let them, or just listening to why there is so much stres in one part of the back, it's part of the healing process that each client is going through. Usually it's pain managment that they are coming in for, or just needing a good relaxing massage. Which is fine with me. That way I don't have to worry about the inflamation in my left wrist. It's a little swollen this evening, after J and C goes to bed I'll be putting ice on my wrist for a little while.

My tips run about $10.00 to $30.00 per week, one of my clients brand new. She gave me a check for $50.00 I couldn't believe it! She was so in love with my work, that she's coming back. Along with her husband, each client always ask how long have you been massaging? I tell them 2 yrs. One of my all time favorite questions is how old are you? I'm 32 today. She looks at me and says no way! I don't know why, but I just get a kick out of these questions. Another topper is how long have you been working here? 6 months, wow that's a long time, of course I don't tell them that I've wanted to quit a few times. For some reason I've stuck it out, :) I think it's the change in supervisors, only if they could stop hiring so many darn massage therapist. I think the one's that have been there the longest, should be able to handle the work instead of hiring new ones. We've already told them don't hire any more for the mornings, because I'm not about to lose any more hours of work because someone didn't bother calling me and asking if I wanted more hours of work. Instead they hired three new one's in my absence. To me it's just the way I look at things, through the eyes of those who are in need of healing in any way they can get it.

When I turned my calendar over todays date, I found this quote that has stuck with me since high school. One that has actually brought me full circle on my road of hard knocks.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

You have made known to me
The path of life.
Psalms 16:11 NIV

There is something that has been bothering me lately. I feel that I need to get it out into the open. Bare with me, as I tell you all that I'm not feeling very sexy at the moment. It seems that I've gained 10 pounds since my last visit to my obgyn, I missed my pap back in November and finally got in there a few weeks ago. As many women know you have to get weighed to my supprise, thinking that I've lost some weight since my last doctors visit which I didn't I've actaully gained 10 freaken pounds! Instead of weighing 170 I'm now weighing in at 181 pounds just great! So guess what, I had to buy a whole new set of clothes to wear this summer. I went from a cute size 12-14 average to a whopping size 16 just great! Which meant everything that I bought last year and the year before had to go into the giveaway bag. I did cry because it hurts badly. And even now I want to shed a few tears, everything that was ever bought for me had to go. There is only two skirts and two shirts that actually fit one of them my mom bought for me before she passed away another set was bought as a gift to wear to my class reunion.

Don't even get me started on some of my sexy outfits, they are gone too. And I'm not replacing them! If I don't have the body for them why waiste good hard earn cash on something that will not look good! Even though I still work out 5 days a week bought two new work outs, different kind of weights. And I'm still weighing in at 181 pounds. My bloodpressure is right were it should be, I didn't even right it down. But it's right were it should be. I'm not eating anything that isn't healthy yet I've gained weight! The only place that I've actually lost weght is in my boobs, I don't feel top heavy but I feel bottom heavy if that even makes sence to any one.

On top of my weight gain I'm also going through pre-menopause too, not a good thing either so now I've got to watch how much milk I drink how much I'm actually eating, and find a way to try soy milk. Any ideas? I'm just running into all kinds of fun, and some how I'm still trying to stay positive without, going into a pity me. I'm really close of taking my belly ring out and not even bothering to put it back in again. That's how much I've gained, it's not that it bothers CH but it bothers me a lot, I'm trying my best not to go out and spend a ton of money on clothes for myself, but to put the money toward buying clothes for J and C.

They need clothes more than I do, then turn around find out that you have gained more than you should have. It's not even funny, and I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how the hell did this happen? Oh that's right I had surgery I'm now going through the change that should happen to older women!! And I'm so close to hitting that 200 pound mark!! My mom died because she didn't take of herself she died because she weighed 290 pounds with high blood pressure! I'm not nor do I want to hit that mark because it scares the living daylights out of me! I've always been thin and now with these changes, I'm litterly toturing myself of staying thin. Not hollywood thin but at least not going out and buy new clothes every freaken year!

And knowing what the bible says, be still for I'm with you. Give me all your troubles. And yet I'm finding myself trapped, between faith and weight that it's not even funny. I'm barly snacking, two days last week I had to skip lunch due to clients needs, I come home and make dinner and it's not even fast food. Everything that I make for dinner is bar-b-qued or on the Forman grill, or the slow cooker. Yet I'm still working out, sometimes thirty mins before I start my bible study, yet I'm still getting up at 5:30 a.m. and doing my workouts. Walking to pick up C from his after school program. The only thing I haven't gotten into yet is running, and as soon as the rest of my swelling goes down, I'm buying myself three sports bras and going try run again. I know this isn't exactly a post that I would normaly would write about, but it's one that I felt the need get it off of my chest and off of my mind. I will leave you with this:

Calm me, O Lord as you stilled
the storm,
Still me, O Lord, keep me from harm.
Let all the tumult within me cease,
Enfold me, Lord, in your peace.
Celtic Traditional