Running Out Of Time

As ch has written we are running out of time, C has become more than just a hand full he has become a holy terror on two legs. Yes I have to say C has given me my share of bruises, just about kicked out the sliding glass window, actually he went as far as kicking out the bottom of our security screen door, while Ch was at work. Ch came by to see how things were going; To say the least he wasn't thrilled to find our new screen door busted up. This just the topper of what we are going through with C. He went as far as throwing a pair of scissors at school yesterday, I got the message on my cell letting me know that C will be coming home from school early. I called Ch letting him know what had happened, he tells there was no calls from the school. I get home and looked at the answering machine which is blinking, oh really C didn't get sent home from school early. Here's the message I played it, he didn't realize that C was sent home early. I wanted to yell but what good would that do? Nothing absolutely nothing! Anything that I do isn't good enough for this child, if J doesn't get his way or isn't paying attention to what I expect for him to do, then C goes into a tail spin. So yes I do have my hands full, while one child is running from me telling me he hates me, drops the Fbomb more than once, can't punish him which does nothing but gets us both upset. Has called me bitch don't ask me where he got that word from, it wasn't from me. As mad as C makes me I can't use foul words he will repeat them, bed time has become a major pain in the ass! There is no peace unless both boys are in bed. The only thing that seems to be working is turning off all the lights, playing a relaxing CD, and reading him a bed time story.

By the time I just about get settled into my reading, and relaxing is an hour before Ch walks through the door from work, I'm up about 5 a.m. due to change of hours at work go in early get off early, that way I can start on the house work or if there is laundry that needs to be done then I have time to get it started. This way I'm not rushing around trying to get a list of things that need to be done before dinner and after dinner. Bath time has become a real hard one, usually C will not fight me on this but lately it's been NO I don't want to, I don't have to! You can't make me. Oh really well guess what child your wrong, and I'm right.

We are so desperate for answers that it's not even funny, there is no even keel with C. He is either happy for about an hour, and all of a sudden it's like a switch that goes off and he's running all over the place, hitting, screaming, and I'm in total shock what the hell just happened. J and I didn't do anything, and this all takes place while I'm trying to cook dinner, and trying to figure out how long it's going to take, and what chores of mine needs to be done. I'm basically crying on the inside Lord please some one find an answer for this child of ours, there is barley enough hours in the day for any of us. It's becoming so overwhelming that I'm just so tired at night, that I'm not even sure if I'm getting enough sleep.

There is no doubt in my mind that C does need out side help. He is getting too strong too over baring for me to handle. We have reached a crises point with C, either Kaiser needs to step up to the plate and give us a place where C can go for help. Basically he cannot stay here any more. After the bruises he's given me and not to mention the one he gave J by throwing a shoe at him, which he showed me tonight, how the hell did that happen where the hell was I? Either in the bathroom or out doing laundry. I can't be in two places at once, C is going to wind up hurting himself real bad. My main concern is my safety, his brother's safety and that of a sliding glass window which is about ready to fall out. C has no control over any thing he says or does. One minute he can be down right loving, hugging, gives kisses and all of a sudden for no apparent reason, he just blows his top. And that's when the hitting, pinching, biting and I hate yous start up.

I can't believe I just wrote such an awful post, this has been on my mind for quite some time. I'm not sure how long it will be up or if I'm going to post this at all. I feel like a mom that doesn't care any more, which is not true. I'm just so exhausted with the out bursts and the hurtfulness that I'm getting from C, I love both of my boys very much. How much is too much? And when is it okay to say I've had enough? I'm dying inside my heart eachs for peace and love that I know is in C we just need to figure out how to tap into it, get him to be more loving than having him fight the way he does.