There is something that has been bothering me lately. I feel that I need to get it out into the open. Bare with me, as I tell you all that I'm not feeling very sexy at the moment. It seems that I've gained 10 pounds since my last visit to my obgyn, I missed my pap back in November and finally got in there a few weeks ago. As many women know you have to get weighed to my supprise, thinking that I've lost some weight since my last doctors visit which I didn't I've actaully gained 10 freaken pounds! Instead of weighing 170 I'm now weighing in at 181 pounds just great! So guess what, I had to buy a whole new set of clothes to wear this summer. I went from a cute size 12-14 average to a whopping size 16 just great! Which meant everything that I bought last year and the year before had to go into the giveaway bag. I did cry because it hurts badly. And even now I want to shed a few tears, everything that was ever bought for me had to go. There is only two skirts and two shirts that actually fit one of them my mom bought for me before she passed away another set was bought as a gift to wear to my class reunion.

Don't even get me started on some of my sexy outfits, they are gone too. And I'm not replacing them! If I don't have the body for them why waiste good hard earn cash on something that will not look good! Even though I still work out 5 days a week bought two new work outs, different kind of weights. And I'm still weighing in at 181 pounds. My bloodpressure is right were it should be, I didn't even right it down. But it's right were it should be. I'm not eating anything that isn't healthy yet I've gained weight! The only place that I've actually lost weght is in my boobs, I don't feel top heavy but I feel bottom heavy if that even makes sence to any one.

On top of my weight gain I'm also going through pre-menopause too, not a good thing either so now I've got to watch how much milk I drink how much I'm actually eating, and find a way to try soy milk. Any ideas? I'm just running into all kinds of fun, and some how I'm still trying to stay positive without, going into a pity me. I'm really close of taking my belly ring out and not even bothering to put it back in again. That's how much I've gained, it's not that it bothers CH but it bothers me a lot, I'm trying my best not to go out and spend a ton of money on clothes for myself, but to put the money toward buying clothes for J and C.

They need clothes more than I do, then turn around find out that you have gained more than you should have. It's not even funny, and I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how the hell did this happen? Oh that's right I had surgery I'm now going through the change that should happen to older women!! And I'm so close to hitting that 200 pound mark!! My mom died because she didn't take of herself she died because she weighed 290 pounds with high blood pressure! I'm not nor do I want to hit that mark because it scares the living daylights out of me! I've always been thin and now with these changes, I'm litterly toturing myself of staying thin. Not hollywood thin but at least not going out and buy new clothes every freaken year!

And knowing what the bible says, be still for I'm with you. Give me all your troubles. And yet I'm finding myself trapped, between faith and weight that it's not even funny. I'm barly snacking, two days last week I had to skip lunch due to clients needs, I come home and make dinner and it's not even fast food. Everything that I make for dinner is bar-b-qued or on the Forman grill, or the slow cooker. Yet I'm still working out, sometimes thirty mins before I start my bible study, yet I'm still getting up at 5:30 a.m. and doing my workouts. Walking to pick up C from his after school program. The only thing I haven't gotten into yet is running, and as soon as the rest of my swelling goes down, I'm buying myself three sports bras and going try run again. I know this isn't exactly a post that I would normaly would write about, but it's one that I felt the need get it off of my chest and off of my mind. I will leave you with this:

Calm me, O Lord as you stilled
the storm,
Still me, O Lord, keep me from harm.
Let all the tumult within me cease,
Enfold me, Lord, in your peace.
Celtic Traditional