FRUSTRATED

The title says it all! Yes ever since I quit my job I and ch have been talking a little more and a little more hugging. Now getting to what is really bothering me is the fact that every time a get a new damn job it's the same thing all over again how much will you be making? My hours are set in stone unless someone wants a massage on the day that I'm not scheduled. So why am I so frustrated? Here's the problem I will be promoting my self for $10.00 an hour, when I'm not doing massages, which comes with the territory of being a massage therapist, a lot of my class mates had to do this. Being in a whole new line of work ch was not a happy camper my thinking is who the hell is he any way! I'm the one that got us into this mess in the first place let me get my self out of it before you come at me with such thoughts of how much he can spend factor. I know it's not going to be easy at first, as soon as I start getting clients on a regular basis it will be so much easier on us. This is a whole new experience for both of us for me it's just a new job with much more room to grow, with less stress some what the same hours that I was working before and a lot more pay. So now where do we go from here? Right now feeling a little better, but last night it was bad I felt like taking a picture and throw it across the room. I'm not the type to throw things only if some one really gets me totally mad or I usually talk really harshly chew en up spit them out type. Partly I've really got a lot of anger built up from his degrading emotional abuse, now it's just a matter of getting through all of that mess and just take it as life comes which I have done, and to come this far and let it all slip through my hands I think not! I'm a fighter when it comes to my business. I know he can be and is hard headed yet I'm the same way it's just I'm the quieter type not say much until I can't take it any more then the fight is on, for ch to get me to actually open up and tell him what is bothering me, is by yelling at me, I'll keep every thing inside of me. I know I shouldn't but what choice does one have when other is not in a good mood. I've always been the type to listen rather than talk my mom was the same way, my thinking it will go away it just takes time and a lot of praying. I know there will be moments that ch forgets that I've been in this same position before, and partly I should have taken notes last night but being excited about my new job it's kind of hard to do. Can we learn from this? Can we actually say something without taking it the wrong way? For me it's having him tare right into me with out him thinking before he talks I try before I say or sometimes it's better not to say a thing. Right now I'm being led to pray for more light at the end of the tunnel and a bright new path with so many new doors to open.

Was this a good idea?

Since my last post I don't know if was a really good idea to actually write what I was feeling. For one I really put my self in a position that wasn't a real good one, There are times that I wish I had done this along time ago if there was such a place to write or. If I should have kept my mouth shut about the pain that I was going through and not let any one read my side of the story. Sure it's been tough letting go of the hurt, fustration and it felt good, yet I feel guilty of letting someone else read what I had wrote. As for this last week it was a good one trying to spend time with the boys while they were out of school taking our little one to the doctors, and having ch coming home from work because of his boss. As many of you keep track of what he has been doing you already know the story on him, It took me a while not to get ready for work in the evenings, and I start my new job in a few days actually looking at the calendar I have a meeting Tuesday night. I'm hoping this will go smoothly it's just getting all of us together and hopefully making sure no one gets hours cut or put in a tough position that no one will be able to get along. For me I do get along with people and sometimes it takes me a little while to actually warm up to some one new depends on their personality. As for the holiday that just past it was good it was a little hard at first I called my sister as it would have we got to thinking about our brother he called me on our way to ch's parents house I called him back and hung up on the answering machine he called me right back and asked for my god mothers number which I gave him. He had to work so we didn't talk very long, it kind of hurt but I also know how it feels to work on Thanksgiving too. I've been telling myself it's just going to be this way, Ch did ask if I was okay, I said yes it's not easy. As many fronts as I have learned to put up, I know I can't keep going through this alone, what else am I suppose to do? I have learned to put my feelings on the back burner putting the Lord first then our boys and him before dealing with some of my feelings, by the time I get everything taken care of. Then I wonder what was I upset about in the first place? Or I would call my mom and tell her what I was feeling that was the really cool thing having her around, hey mom are you there I need to talk to call me when you get this when she wasn't home, or she would call me to say I love you. At times I just want to be left alone lock myself in my room and have a good cry, well that never happens usually ch is wondering if it was him who put me in this mood or the boys I have to defend them fast and tell him no it wasn't the boys. Can't I just cry or let them see it's okay mom's do this once in while, it's part of growing up. I think I 've done enough writing for today I would like to bake more cookies we need to get some more stuff to make them with I will try to write again hopefully not too long of a break.

Living and breathing

As I sit here trying to get what I feel out, there is no words that I can really say that will make the pain any easier. I know it's been two years, does it get any easier as time goes by? It does as I have been told. I prayed for one more day to be with my mom please just one more Mothers day one more fourth of July. I knew she didn't look well when she was up here, she stayed with the boys so I and ch could have weekend together not realizing any thing was wrong. I wanted her to stay at least for a little while longer I knew she didn't like being away from the farm she wasn't fond of the city life. She did like coming up here we only lived hour an half from away from each other, our visits where so nice nothing like moms cooking even her baking was so good. Then it happen the most unthinkable she was having pains running down her left arm luckily there was an angle with her, my brother met a girl who is a nurse pretty damn good one for that matter. I had met her on Mothers day weekend she and my mom looked every where for the most hardest gift that I had asked for and since my birthday is a month before Mothers day. Of all things I had to ask for was a wok for stir frying and a charm for my bracelets which was the pink ribbon. They had no trouble finding the charm that was easy to find, the wok was not! My moms words were if I ever asked for a hard gift like this again, well I ended up saying but you love all of us mom she just looked at me and smiled knowing all too well she wanted to get even with me. That was my last Mothers day with her; As June would have it there was a change to come one that no one was prepared for, it was right after our oldest got out of school and we had a busy month planned we had ch's family reunion to attend which we did I didn't bother turning on my cell I was having a good time just being out away from work. As weekend would have it there was a change to come and one that I didn't know would effect each of us in a different way. I walked into the house the last message on the phone was your mom is in the hospital when can you get here, she fine you need to get here. I about clasped from it some how we manage getting the boys back into the truck headed to ch's grandma's then we headed to my home. Lord don't take her I'm not ready for her to go, please not my mom! She stayed in the hospital had reconstructive valve surgery done on her heart, I remember coming home working taking care of the boys praying for her recovery and seeing her living just a while longer. As god would have it she made to July 4th we went down there to see her I went to the hospital to bring her home I didn't realize that would be the last time I was to see her. We came home on Monday usually we come home on Sunday this time we didn't. My work would have let me stay away as long as I wanted I came home went to work. A week later I got the most dreaded call it was from the same hospital were I was born at, I didn't know what to think all could do was call ch you need to come home now I don't care what you are doing my mom is critical condition I'm asked to come down there now. He came home his mom was with him she took the boys we rushed to the hospital. The lord called her home on July 12th 03 at 11:45 p.m. she was given the last rites by a catholic priest, her brother and sister in law were out visiting their daughter when all of this took place he got to see her one last time. It wasn't easy on him they talked now and then when his wife wasn't around. My brother is no longer living here he moved out of state my sister is here living with my god mother. Maybe I will post on what happen to her or maybe not. As the lord would have it, I went to school a year after her death, and graduated with flying colors, The lord knew what he was doing and sometimes we don't understand until something happens. As I sat there with my god mother I saw an angle that angle happened to be my late grand mother who gave me her first name I knew she had come to take her daughter home. I've spent too much time on here this morning I've got one batch of cookies done and our boys are out side playing I need to get them in here for lunch. As the holidays come may each of you take care of those around you.

Having a hard time

Having such a hard time writing today, our little one is home from school today and has deleted the second draft that I written this morning. Along with one post that I've deleted because I just couldn't bring myself to post it. And just as I thought finally got one that sounded good to post he deleted it so he could play with Paz on discovery.com, If you know the show you know exactly who I'am talking about and if not he is on TLC in the early morning hours. With that out of the way I will try to type as much as I can. Yes my husband use to yell at me, there were times where it use to get so bad that I thought if he didn't yell would he someday bring a hand to me? A very scarry thought he does have a very bad temper which isn't too often. Except when I didn't have the house clean before he got home from work or have something out for dinner, or there were dishes in the sink. And since I was home all day and worked at night. To him it didn't matter or playing with the kids that is one thing he seemed to get mad I would pay attention to our oldest and at the time the only child for few years until child number 2 was born in 2000. The yelling got so bad that I didn't know where to turn, he had me in tears each job that I had he wouuld start in on me about getting more hours, not bothering if it meant being around for our oldest. I use to hate working there was no way in hell that my mom put up with a guy like this. It took me a long time to actually tell her what was going on and that was about the time we moved to the Delta, 1999. We had moved from his parents house in 1997 got our own place during that same year my mom knew something was wrong I was scared not too sure of myself. I was still working we had one car at the time so there wasn't much I could do, except being at home, there where times that I didn't know which was worse being yelled at over stupid stuff or having no car. One of the reasons he said he didn't want me to have a car or truck he was afraid that one day I would get tired of his yelling and just pick up our sons and leave. Well if you knew how much kids meant to you would you do the same to your wife or husband? Believe me as much as I wanted to knowing that my mom wouldn't hold it against me I just couldn't do it, I had a job or at least that was holding me here. As much as I have written so far gives an insight of what had happen to us. I still have a room to clean and dishes to wash on that note I better go.

It's about time

I'm not really sure how this is going to turn out or if I'm doing the right thing by writing how I feel. Or if I should give him credit where credit is due. And I know there is two sides of the stroy. I will not bad mouth him I'm sure he's done a very good job of doing that to me. Nor will I put any thing that is done behind doors will remain there,(sorry not the type). Only the issues of moving on and remaining peaceful with everyone, I also what to thank each and every one of you for the congrats on the job I'm thankfull that the Lord came through for me. I prase him every day for the things that I have. Having a very kind, giving and forgiving loving heart. I'm sorry for being so short I will try to write later if I can he is out hunting for the day which is a very good thing we have been under alot of stress lately and it would not have been fair for him to miss his hunting season any more. That is his love before we married and I've tried it had my fair share of the cold not for me! Sorry dear. I like I said I wanted to keep this short.