Just a thought

I was thinking about closing up shop, for a while. I felt that I have a lot to deal with and not really sure how I was suppose to handle it all, I have so many appointments to deal with along with my work which is very slow at the moment. I needed some time to think to breath and read some books that I haven't been able to get to. I love the blogs that I've read the people that I've met along the way, right now it's really hard to put all my energy into this. I've never thought that I would be able to post some of my best poses out there for everyone to see, which really opened me up a lot. Right now I feel that I need to be able to enjoy my most loved seasons of the year spring and summer, I don't know if I will be around the computer much even though I have a laptop. Which is suppose to be used for my clients and it's not, I need to start entering things in here for that. Right now I've got too many irons in the fire to really concentrate on my post or what to write and if you guys or gals want me to write a story that I've done a few weeks ago I really need some ideas. For now it's best to just leave for a little while, I know this my place to vent my frustrations and to say what is on my mind. One thing is true, I've let my peaceable side slip to the way side, I need that right now so I can fight a good fight with the teachers next week and my doctors appoint with my obgyn. If something out of the ordinary is found at that appoint I will post about it. In the meantime I wish each and every one of you good health and happiness that each of you will find a way back to where you were once happy and if you are in that place,I believe that is where you belong. I know I started this back in the fall and it's almost May. I'm sure this happens to everyone at some point, like I said I have a lot going on and I need to be able to be ready for whatever is thrown my way. I may be back soon, and I may not. I'm not taking my blog down, this my place to vent and to post comments on other sites that I love reading. Right now I need to read some books that have been neglected, one I started reading and others that are sitting in my closet collecting dust. I will leave you with this:
First keep peace within yourself, then you
can also bring peace to others.
Thomas A Kempis

A Very Belated Update

Yesterday was very bad, I lost my entire post that I was working so hard on. I didn't back it up like I was suppose to. Then I ended up spraining my ankle, the doc said I was pretty lucky for not breaking it, my bones look really healthy. No damage done thank god! I'm on a pair of crutches, ankle brace and a ace bandage just in case I need it. So far I'm doing pretty good, I'm still going into work today.
Okay enough of that are ready.

From my last weekends post, thankyou so much for the well wishes and the comments for my last weekends post. If you haven't had a chance to read it please do so, you must be 18 yrs to do so. I had a lot of fun writing it, if I have a chance I'll try to do another in a different setting; I just love the beach. ;)

As most of you know we have had some difficulty with our youngster, it didn't take long for someone other than a doctor to figure out what is wrong with him. Sam has autism/pdd he's on the moderate scale, we have three more appointments to go through. I even asked his teacher for another I.E.P meeting with the staff. Whether or not she does it's up to her. I'm hoping she comes through for us if not, I still have a letter from the psychologist.

How am I holding up after we found out what he has? I'm hanging in there. I'm happy, I can't believe it took a year to figure out what he has, I and CH cried, I've always known he was a special child. It's hard to think that all his out burst and the trouble he's having in learning, can lead to a misunderstood learning disability. I'm on the verge of happy tears, I know it will be a long road for all of us. At least we know what we are dealing with. We have several more appointments to go to a house visit from a regional center, which is a few months away, to me it doesn't help me for next year. So now we play the waiting game with the teachers any suggestions on getting teacher to corporate? Or should I just tell her Sam's got and see if that gets the ball rolling? I'm in a muddle of what to do.

As you can tell it's been an eventful week, If you've seen my Thursday's pic you would understand. I guess you can say it's been full of events that I wouldn't want to wish it on any one, It gets more interesting my sister tells me she doesn't want to go into the military, she's to scared and hates being told what to do. I can't take care of her she needs to figure what she wants to do with her life, I can't live it for her she needs to find what works for her. I'm trying to be supportive and when someone's says one thing and turns around says another, I'm ready to pull my hair out! I do love her, she's my sister but she needs to get a job and get her mind off of guys! Sheesh! I'm ready to scream!!

And then on top of that, my brother calls me and tells me they are moving back to Cali in July (I'll see it then I'll believe it) for good. Which I knew he would end up doing, I can't believe this!! What is it with siblings!?! I love them both dearly they aren't talking to one another my brother and sister. Me I'm playing monkey in the middle, can't they leave me out of it? So I've been there for both of them, supporting them with the sisterly love that they need. I just feel like moving out of state and not returning, I have family that lives two states away, I and CH have talked about it. With his job and benefits it's hard to do, and of course there's the job issue I could find a job easily not a problem, him on the other hand I'm sure he would have a tough time finding one. I love my family very much, when push comes to shove it's just hard to concentrate on anything.

So how? Long am I suppose to be on crutches? A freaken week! I still need a paycheck my note from the doc is sitting on the back seat of my suv, it's staying there, I'm not taking it to my boss. I've already explained to her that I've found a lump in my breast and have set an appointment to get it checked, the first week of May. Then it will take about couple of more appointments to figure out what the docs are going to do after that, I'm not looking forward to any of these appointments. All I want is for my body to be normal whatever that is without having to deal with all these lumps. I think I've written quite a bit and this post is so late getting up, when you have family and other obligations it's hard to find the time to post, I will try to post again. I'm not sure when? Maybe when I feel like venting. Take Care have a blessing of a week.

Late HNT

Happy HNT to me! sprained my ankle today. Oh joy! not something I'm thrilled about. What can you say? I'm not a happy camper! I can't believe this, really we need a vacation!

Rain, Rain Please go away!!

As you can tell, by the title it's still freaken raining. I would rather be fishing instead of being inside with our boys for the week, and the wind has been up today along with thunder and lightening I won't go out when it's like this. On top of that I feel very uneasy, I had to pay out another $115.00 to get my truck fixed again! Last night coming home from work my head lights were working until I pulled unto the high way on my way home, while pulling out of work I noticed a police officer had stopped someone so I also know the my d.l. expire this weekend (still not saying)when or what day. As I'm driving my headlights quit nothing I did would make them turn on, by this time I'm a little shaky I've never had this happen before, so I turn off the main road to go home on I called CH. Explained to him what was going on I felt really unsafe I know I'm not too far from home but still, being out there with no one around except a locked up suv. Of course I had a police officer come up behind me and asked if I needed help? I told her that my husband was on his way to help me get home, I wasn't about to move then have her give me a fix it ticket. I've been blessed not getting one of those. I've only had warnings, which is a good thing we can't afford any tickets right now and the way things are going I don't even want to think about this weekend, which has put me in a mood. Sure my sister is here for the two weeks but I can't seem to think that is any better, we've already had a little bit of a disagreement. On top of that I found another lump in left breast again! And no I'm not having it checked at the moment I'm going to let this one slid for a while and the place that I have located it is between two of my bloodvens not exactly a spot where I want one. I know that my estrogen level is up again, I will continue to work out eat healthy foods stay away from any thing that is not. If I find any discharge then I will go in, I haven't told my boss nor am I willing to lose what I've worked so hard in getting. I'm not willing to take any time off of work for this one, unless there is too much pain for me to handle. I'm keeping this one under wraps from my family and CH's I don't want any one to worry over me. It's more than likely another Fiberistic lump, if I get it checked out they will do another biopsy and another mammogram (which by the way hurts). I'm not sure what to do yet, as I was checking a few minutes ago I believe I found one underneath my breast I'll have CH take a look at it after I'm done, writing this post. Sure I feel sad there is nothing I can do. I work out, I do drink lots of water, I try to remember to have a glass of milk, I don't know what else to do. I have heard of soy tablets which helps regulate the body, as soon as I get a chance I will do some research on soy to see if it could help me. In the meantime I'm trying my best not to let this get to me. I want cry but I can't I want to say why me? I already know the answer, I'm not the first person to go through this. I'm not sure what we will do leave it or have removed again, whatever we decide to do it will have to require more time off of work and leaving me without a paycheck. Not exactly what I'm looking forward to, neither one of us has much vacation time. I'm one of those who hates laying in bed I need to be up running around with my head chopped off at times. It's three days before my birthday I'll be turning 31 over the weekend I'm hoping to post something other than what I'm writing right now. By the way today was the first day that we have seen the sun let me just say I would have loved to be outside today in a pair of shorts. I had two clients today so, I had to work. And my sister is here with us, so it's kind of fun having her here with me. We even talked about what she wants to do next year, she's very seriously thinking about joining the Army I'm hoping she does, she needs direction I can't give it to her, she needs to find it for herself. I'm all for it, I'm hoping she can. It would make life for her so much better, I can support her in this, rather than having her not working or trying to find love. Which she wants so badly, (Now guy's don't get any ideas). She's turning 26. And lives here in Cali. So I've taken up so much time as it is I need to finish dinner. Have a good weekend, by the way it's taken me three days to do this post.

HNT take II

Here's my second pic for HNT. I'm wearing one of CH's shirts, and nothing else. He's a big Raiders fan, I'm a Fourty Niner fan. Happy HNT!

The Birth Control Post

I should have CH write this post for me.
FTN has recently posted about the possibility of getting a vasectomy. That led to comments about other forms of birth control. Here is our story.

This one of those areas which I dislike writing about I can write about sex in a letter but to actually write it like this, well it's a little out of my league. So just bear with me on why I cannot take birth control pills and I still carry the scars that remind me everyday we were lucky. From the time that I and CH met we were having sex very often don't ask how often. I will say that it was frequent though. We knew we needed protection. So I went on the pill, I've read the inserts that came with each set of pills, that wouldn't help what would lie ahead for the both of us. I began taking Ortho Novum in Sept. 1993. I was given a 3 months supply from Planned Parenthood. I ran out in Dec. We continued to have sex and I got pregnant with Jr. in Jan. 1994. We found out on Feb. 1,1994 that I was pregnant when we went to the Dr. to get more birth control pills. A month later we got married, and CH joined the Army and was sent to basic training 11 days after the wedding.
Jr. was born in Sept. and I was put back on the pill. Feb. 13,1996. I found a lump in right breast. I was still taking the pills, as it was all we could use at the time. Neither one of us can stand to use a condom.
So in 1997 CH graduated from school and he got a job that had medical insurance. We went to several Dr. appointments to find out what the lump was. Finally we had a Dr. tell us that the lump needed to be removed. They were unable to determine what it was by doing a mammogram. So in Aug. of 1997 I went in for my first operation. They determined that the lump was not cancerous but was due to hormones. I continued to use the birth control pills.
Then about a year later another lump appeared. This time on my left breast. I went in for more mammograms and they told me that I needed to go in for another operation. After the second operation they determined that the lumps were being caused by the extra hormones that the birth control pills were putting into my system. So they told me to stop using the pills and to decide on another form of birth control. And we already knew that condoms were out of the question. We did use them on occasion. On most of those occasions they broke. Finally we decided on using a cervical cap. Unfortunately we were unable to find a Dr. that was specialized in prescibing them. So we ended up using a diaghram.
Now if any of you have ever used a diaghram or are currently using one you know that they can not be used alone. You must also use a spermacide. (I can't believe I am typing this. Blushing like mad!) In order to use the spermacide you are required to use a little bit of it around the edge of the diaghram to help make a seal. Then you also need to take an applicator that comes in the box with spermacide and apply one applicator full into the diaghram. Then you can insert the diaghram and commence in sexual relations.
That is where the other problems started to arise if you will. The whole process did not allow for a spontaneous romp. It also caused a problem for CH because when he was to ......um........ "go down" there he would get a bad taste and not do that anymore. He also could feel the diaghram during intercourse. So we only used it about 50-75 percent of the time. Closer to 50. The rest of the time we opted to just do our thing and then after we were done squeeze an application of spermacide inside of me.
Then in March of 1999 we found out I was pregnant again. That stirred up another set of emotions but that is not for this post. While I was pregnant we started to research different forms of birth control. We finally decided to use an IUD. INTRAUTERINE DEVICE. This was a great choice for us. We didn't have to worry about remembering to put anything in or on. It could not be felt, and the best part it was effective for 10 years.
Our youngest son was born in Oct. of 2000. Again I was put on birth control pills. I had to take the birth control pills for 6 months after the birth of our son so that my cervix could return to it's normal state. 3 months after restarting the pills another lump appeared on my right breast. This time we had to wait until I was done breast feeding to have the operation done. Another 3 months went by and I had the IUD inserted. The operation had to be put off for 2 years. So I had that operation done in 2002.
Then in Aug. of 2003 we found another lump in my left breast. That was a month after my mom passed away. This time the Dr. said that I have way to much estrogen running through my system. The Dr. also suggested that I have a breast reduction done. I'm a natural DD and they suggested I get a reduction down to a C. Before I had our two son's I was actually a size B, until my estrogen level went out of control to this day I still have problems. I will not take another birth control pill, my body can not handle the side effects that comes with too much estrogen. I can't even take prenatal pills my body rejects them.
so I had to go in for a 4th surgery. After that I went to all the appointments necessary to have the reduction done. All I had to do was make the date to get the operation done. But then I started school and put it on the back burner. CH still brings it up every now and then asking if I still want to get it done. I just don't want to take the time off of work to have it done. Plus I will need to stop doing massage while in recovery.
So for now we have used the IUD for 5 years. We have another 5 years to go before it needs to be removed and replaced. By then CH will most likely have had his vasectomy done and we will be done with birth control issues.
So there are our experiences with birth control and why we like what we use. We don't have to worry about remembering anything because it is all taken care of. We don't have to stop in the middle of having sex to put something in. Once things get started they don't need to stop for anything. (Well almost anything. The kids have a way of waking up or fighting once we are all revved up.)

I Should Wait On This Post

I had a good nights rest, prayed for those who are traveling safe and keep a cloak of wings surrounding my home. That seems to work every time, I will try my best to keep this short, CH did call this morning he didn't get off of work until 1:00 a.m. He put in a lot of hours since his arrival as I was watching the previews of the news last night, I could have sworn he was on one of the state plows. I stayed up and to see if they would show it again but they didn't, so of course that made me feel better knowing that he was with other plowers last night he saw spin outs and a jack knifed big rig. He calls me and says it's a good thing we didn't get the key to the cabin we would have been turned around at Strawberry and heading back here, He ended up separated from his group that he was with, which kind of put me on the edge. I hate that when he calls me and tells me that! He doesn't have any computer access hah! I knew he wouldn't. It just goes to show you that sometimes having a computer with you doesn't always mean you will be able to use it, so in the meantime I'm holding down the fort he owes me big time! I've hinted around gift cards for Walmart, since I really don't know what I really what for my birthday in two weeks he better be home by then! I'm not about to spend it with parents alone. Well that's it for now I need to get some stuff done. As much as I like writing it takes the edge off, I'm happy that I'm finding a way of doing it without feeling frustrated. And for dinner last night he had shrimp and mashed potatoes what a Brat mind you he's working in the snow for the state. Go figure! I've got to go.