I Have a dilemma

Wow who would have guessed... I have a major dilemma on my hands. She's here for the week and I'm so close to killing her, with so much positive talk right now it's not even funny. Some of the stuff that is going on, CH doesn't even know yet, I'm not going to tell him until she leaves on Sunday. I'm so tired of her b.s. that I'm ready to tell her off!! One of the things that is pissing me off is how she's telling me how I should spank C more, because he was having a bad night, and not showing off because someone is here. She turns around and says, you know you should spank him more. I told her I can't do that because it will not solve any thing and being that we just had our first parenting class last Thursday, she in turns what the hell is that suppose to do? Excuse the living hell out of me!! She doesn't understand why C is the way he is.
So here's our conversation:

Sister: you shouldn't let him get away with his attitude with you?

Me: He's adjusting to having someone in the house!

Sister: You don't give a $%#@ the way C's talking to you.

Me: Look we are trying something new with him, put C in a place where he can calm himself down and then try to get him to do what we want him to do.

Sister: Your just going to let him get away with verbally abusing you, and when he gets older he's going to do it to his wife?

Me: You don't know what's going to happen when C gets older and how the hell do you even know he's going to be this way all of his life?!?

Sister: Well he needs to up his meds.

Me: We have already done that so lay off! Saying under breath, Lord give me paitence, give my sister a heart to understand what I'm going through. Help her to understand what I'm going through.

Yes I'm freaken pissed off to no end. I have no idea why the hell I even bother with her she's turning into someone I don't even know. C got sick in the middle of the night, and some how I slept through it, I'm not sure when. But this morning before I could work out she says oh you need to clean a mess in C's room because he got sick. Okay so not only do I have Sister that doesn't like to help out, I have a bossy sister that doesn't care about kids!! Just great.

Today I try calling home because C wasn't feeling well, I couldn't get through. So I call CH, his dad is call waiting and later I call Ch back and ask what is wrong at home? CH was on his way home to calm C down because he isn't feeling well. Well geeze no wonder he was having a bad night last night. C didn't wake up until just a few minutes before I walked out the door for work. I told my sister that I was leaving and she needed to be up. She was still sleeping when I walked out the f'ing door. Give me a break!

So that's where I'm standing I'm not in a very good mood, and I can't wait until Sunday when I take her home, I don't need this not now, not ever. I called my dearest friend up this evening told her how she has left my son's room a freaken mess, after I had spent all of last Friday before C got home had his room spotless, and what the hell did I come home to? A messy room!! Another reason I will not have her living with us.

We don't have all the answers to what is going on with C, it's hard enough to have someone that doesn't understand our situation, and starts putting you in a tough spot on how you should be raising your kid. I was on the verge of calling my dearest friend and taking C to her house so he doesn't have to be around my sister. As of right now I'm tired, pissed and if I don't get out of this mood soon I'm on the verge of SCREAMING!!

And on top of her not paying attention to C, because that's how he survives is by feeding off of your structure. My lap top is down for good, I now have to ship it out of state to get a new one!! I have no idea when I'll be able to get a replacement and right now I don't even care, I lost all of my pictures on it, including a very pretty screen saver that I borrowed from my in-laws.

The part that is very sad about the computer, it was a Valentine gift from Ch. I picked it out because the price wasn't too high, and I figured that it would be a good computer. Turns out I was wrong and it hurts because now I have to ship it to the company where it came from. And hopefully they will be able to ship me a new one if not I'm out the money that we had paid for it. Right now I'm not worried about a computer.

I'm concerted over the situation, that has come up with me and my sister. There is a part to a good start to my week. I'll touch base on that after, I let my anger and pain subside. Right now I just needed to get this off of my chest, and realize that I have two boys that love me very much. One is spending the night at his grandparents and one is here with me.

Be it ours, when we cannot see the
face of God, to trust under the shadow
of His wings.
Charles H. Spurgeon

Restless

Usually I'm at work right about now, today was one of those damn it why the hell couldn't C get himself back to sleep!?! Not that I don't have anything to do today. Oh just a few loads of laundry. Found two mice in a drawer this morning, Ch decided to open the drawer where all of my silver wear are in, and since I'm the one who can't stands those awful looking critters. So I came up with this great idea of pulling the silver wear tray out of the drawer sticking peanut butter to the glue trap, closing the drawer and see what happens in the morning. To my amazement I'm still half a sleep half a wake because C decided he wanted soda and one that contains caffeine not something you should give a child at 8:00 p.m. Why couldn't he have picked one of those other juice or water type of drinks and being tired, and a little stressed I wasn't about to argue. So as Ch is getting ready to make his lunch he, hears this racket in the drawer where the glue traps are laying, there is one mouse on the glue trap one jumps out of the drawer lands on the floor. Okay this is not what I wanted today. By this time quick thinking mind, still feeling very sleepy. I open the door let my cat in she's smelling around I move a trash can out of the way, the mouse unsuccessfully tries to get away, lands in the mouth of my lovely kitty. And after J is out of the shower, and dressed I handed him his bb gun, so he can shoot the one thats laying on the glue trap. Took him three tries to finally get the aim right and shoot it for me. What a sweet boy that I have. :D Told C to say away from his older brother, until he was done using his bb gun. And C stayed with me in the living room.

So after J gets out of bed to see what all the fuss is about he's very tired looking not as tired has his mom is feeling at 6:45 this morning. AAARRRGGGG!! So I attempt to get ready for work fond myself more tired than usually so I called into work left a message saying that C wasn't feeling well and I wouldn't be able to make it in. So my boss calls me and says you have client that has requested me and is due at 10:00 a.m. Couldn't she tell there was something wrong with me? It was bad enough that I didn't recognized my receptionist that had made the phone call. She the receptionist asked if I was okay I said no, I had only gotten an hour of sleep this morning, and my boss says I didn't receive any recording this morning. That just makes me feel even more worse after I had made the phone call at 7:03 a.m. and she's telling me there is no message? Either there is a problem with the phones, or someone erased my message! So my boss says goes into this spill, of showing up yada, yada, and I'm the one who has to drive a bad road. I'm not going to cause a car crash because I'm feeling very tired and there was no way she could convince me to come in. She changes things around, and says we'll talk later! More than likely I'm out of a job come tomorrow afternoon, and everyone who either calls in and doesn't have a replacement it's okay for them but it's not okay for me? Talk about sticking up for those who know how to work her over.

About 10:00 a.m. this morning I had just enough energy to take C to school since there is only one day left then they get out for Thanksgiving break, which is fine with me. My sister will be here to watch J and C, or just J. C will be going to the after school program during the time that I will be at work. When I got back home and since driving does tend to put me to sleep, it's a good thing I only live 5 miles from his school. I came home and went right back to bed, for about an hour got up worked out and I'm now feeling a little better. I just hope tonight I will get a better nights sleep. I dislike not being able to get things done, and I don't like the fact that I'm the one that is always getting into trouble with my boss. I don't do a damn thing to piss her off. And just because I don't hang out to talk to her or be buddy, buddy to her. She has no right to single me out, as many would say what comes around goes around. I just wish there was some way of letting her know, it wasn't expected of me not to show up. And the fact that I did call, and left a message. I'm just bearing the fact that to her I'm worthless! And don't deserve anything. Working here has caused me to really believe that everyone is going to be like this, and there is no way of getting out of this mess, at the moment.

All I ask of my readers is just to pray that nothing bad happens, and that she will find it in her heart, that I'm not a bad employee. And just because I don't make friends with her she has no hard feelings towards me. I'm there to work, to make sure everyone is feeling good after their treatment.

I will leave you with this:
All of life becomes charged with
meaning when you realize that you will
live every moment in the sight of company
of the all-seeing always-present Creator.

A Year Already?!?

I can't believe it's been one year. When I started writing I thought it would be for a short period of time, not realizing it would be for a year. Some of you have followed over from CH who started writing about our problems, and a few of our family adventures. I have to honestly say we both have grown in ways, that married couples are to grow when they first get married and not really in the middle ahah! I've also had fun reading different blogs along my path of blogging, who have either got me to laugh or to cry. I know I've done the same with many of you.

To really say which one out of my 78 posts have I come to really enjoy writing or which one's that CH had really take a good look at himself? One of my favorites was the romantic weekend one. I had a fun time writing it, then again it took me all morning which kind of blew our day out of the water. For me to actually go back and say you know I've come along way, since the pain and hurt. To finally have a release of the hurt, tears, and the heartfelt pain that I had experienced it wasn't easy to write about. There where times when I wanted to delete the hurtful posts, that I didn't want it read by any one. Part of me just wanted someone out there to read, to listen to what I had dealt with, there also times when I needed to take a break from writing, I wasn't sure on what to write about or how it would come out. There were also moments that I felt that neither my heart or my feelings were working together. I knew that was when I needed to take few moments to get back into what I was missing.

Then there was the weekend not too long ago, our cable was out for about 12 hours. We had picked up some games for the boys called Klutz kwiz Gizmo, we would take turns to see who knew the answer to the question. We don't have the gizmo to tell you the answer but it was fun having both boys figure out the answer by using their brains. C got really good at answering some of the math problems, he's a smart little guy even though he has a few issues. I'm very blessed to be J's and C's mother, and CH's loving wife. And after putting the boys to bed, having CH get a box of letters out of a plastic box that we have stored him reading a few of his letters that he wrote to me. He felt upset, sad, and hurt that he wrote such letters to me. I may have read the letter once, and forgot that CH had said some pretty awful things to me. I don't think I ever showed them to anyone, they stayed in the box along with some old cards from birthdays, and other in between holidays.

When CH had first brought up writing, about my feelings on here it wasn't easy I wasn't sure how he was going deal with my sharp words or the hurt that I felt from long ago. It's a pure blessing for me to see CH in a different light, not so much of a dark tone that he use to use with me, one that is more loving more caring. At times I wish he had done this sooner, get the help he needed. At least now he knows what I have been through with him in the past.

To look forward to a future that is now brighter, than it has been in a long time. To know that I'm still the same loving wife that I've always been. My faith is much more deeper than it has been when we first got together, I think in some ways that has helped. I'm so glad that he is now seeking help that he needs for his emotions to finally say yes I have a problem of being in control over my wife, looking at my point of view of how he had dealt with me in the past.

I'm sure there is more that I wanted to add to this post, right now I'm feeling very tired. Many of you may know what it's like getting up earlier than your spouse and know it's not easy staying up and trying to finish a project up when your falling asleep.

In turn I wish each of my readers a very good week, may your days be filled with laughter, warm hearts, peace and love.

Getting Better Little by Little

I know it's been a few weeks since I've posted. I've had a teacher parent conference that I've been wanting to post about, which by the way went very well. The change that we had made earlier this year has been a good one for both C and us. His progress is coming along at a speed that has impressed the teacher and I. C is slowly being main streamed from special day class to a regular kinder class for about 35 min. C has had the opportunity to go to the local library with the kinder class, C's teacher was impressed as how well behaved he was with that class. Even though C doesn't say much about what he does in school, at least he's enjoying his old settings. They only experienced a few of his behavior problems, nothing they couldn't handle, they are well trained in how they deal with kids like C. His writing will remain weak due to his eye and hand coordination, in due time it will come together. Even B who is head of the I.E.P program was also impressed with his progress. I've asked for him to be kept at this school, for the rest of his school age years they said it wouldn't be a problem. I also know it's early in the year to ask about summer school, his teacher said that wouldn't be a problem it would actually help him even more. I have felt as if huge a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I can't believe how well C is doing. He's come along way since last year and from the beginning of this school year as well.

As I had stated in my last post about taking the test for the school dis. Which I have done. My boss called me and said she didn't need me to come in after I had called the school dis, and tried to make an appointment, to go in and retake the test. I called the school back told her that I was able to come in, and take the test. It's a good thing that I did go in and retake the test. I passed the reading and the writing part of the test, the math part I still didn't pass it. She said to study the math portion of the test and do the lifting part of the test should be easy to pass. Then I should be ready to start work any time. As much as I love doing massages, I know that I need a stable paycheck coming in, rather than wondering if I will continue to have a paycheck every other week. Even though they raised some of the commissions to $4.00 they should have made an even $5.00, that way we would be able to afford the stuff we need for us working families. I've even put renting a place from someone that I know due to money issues, I still need to contact her and see what she's offering. My heart hasn't really been in that situation, I know it would be of some help but not by much. For one living in a small town and being over run with five different massage therapist doesn't help. And two I would be away from my family in the evenings and also depends on what hours would be available I just don't want to jump into something that I won't be able to pay for.

As for J he finally got an aid for his Studies at school, took them a while to get him one, but it's finally done. I was about to start volunteering in his classroom to help him with his Studies if they didn't find him an aid. I've done it before I would have been pleased to do it again. Even though it's been quite a few years since I've helped out in his classroom, to it doesn't matter that I'm just a mom, one who is willing to lend a helping hand when needed. Fighting for my kids education has really taken it's toll on me, I'm finally being able to sleep more at night and feeling as if two weights have been lifted from my shoulders. Now all I have to do is pass the rest of the test and hopefully I've got a good paying job in my future.

I just pray that I'm being led in the right direction. I also understand that there is so much more to life, than wondering or having to worry about bills and money to pay them. Even though I love what I do, there will be more time to do massages around the time school lets out in the afternoons, or in the late evenings like some of the massage therapist here in town do. It wouldn't be hard to do it's nothing than just some thoughts.

Monday 11/6
One of the things I have tried very hard to do is be very discrete about what I've been studying. Today after my boss told me I could go home, she said oh by the way I want to talk to you. As it is I've been pretty good at getting my work done, signing papers that need to be taken care of. And what does she want to talk to me about? Me applying for another job. That one of my sneaky co-workers have went and told her that I've had applied for another job with the school. I told her that it wouldn't be anytime soon there is a lot that needs to be done before I can do anything. She said okay, she said I would like notice, or the lines of a notice. I said as soon as I know more I would let her know. I walked out of her office went back got my stuff and walked out. Like I normally do, I don't say a word to no one or to speak of my kids in that place because as I'm finding they are some that like to back stab. There is only one person that I do trust, she is much older than me and it's not even a boss she's another massage therapist that works three days that I do. So here's were I stand I've done no talking I've done my work and have left the building sometimes without saying a word to my boss. What gets me is there is no privacy to any thing that any one says or does. Even when one of my co-workers is pissed off at the boss I don't go running to her every time they've had some snide remarks made about her. As far as I'm concerned they that like to talk need to make sure she's not on the other side of the door. That would be a worse case for some of them.

I've come along way from my previous jobs, the knowledge of who to trust and who not to trust and when to leave a situation. I've done it all, maybe it's just time for me to find something else to do besides letting other people in. I know how to close up real fast and it's just what I've been doing, here at this job. I know that no harm will come to me as long as I don't let it. And that's the way I will continue with this job that I've got, let no one in and no one get to close to me. And that's including the one's that own the business she had asked me if I were ready for the holidays and about my kids I said that J and C are doing well, and for the holidays I didn't imply too much on. It's best to leave that subject alone for a while.

This sure has turned into an interesting post, I've got a few things to do and a chapter for bible study tonight that I've neglected to read. So I'm off to do that and a few loads of laundry. May each and every one of you have a good week and pray that nothing bad happens.