Where Have I Been?

To answer this question, I've had two busy weekends. Last weekend I went to my second Women's Retreat up in Sonora, the weather was wonderful, the speaker was awesome. There was ten of us from one church, that enjoyed ourselves so much, I even went into the town of Sonora and picked up a new bathing suit. I had saved up all of my tip money about two weeks worth, and took it with me. Before I could really enjoy my weekend of no boys, including Ch. I might as well back up an hour before I could leave for my weekend.

As many of you know Ch has been seeing his counselor for over a year, and since it was a Friday, C has been sent home from school early all week. And since it was payday shopping, and I wasn't about to stay home and wait for the school to call us while we were out of town. So we went ahead and took C with us, he was really good at the two stores we went to, afterwards we went to Ch's doctors appointment. While Ch was in his appointment, I took C back and forth from the truck to doc's building. About 30 minutes into waiting around for Ch, C went into one of his temper tantrums, and this time someone from the counselors station got to see what we go through every day. I couldn't believe my answer to prayers! Finally someone from Kaiser got to see it, to see my son in action. And before I could even fill out the paper work I was hit on the wrist by C, let me just say for a 6 yr old he's got one powerful hit. A counselor came around the Conor to see where I was at, I said I was by the elevator. She couldn't believe her eyes, we talked while watching to see what C would do. He would run back and fourth in the hall way of Kaiser, she observed my son. Asked me a bunch of questions. It didn't take her long to realized we had talked on the phone trying to get help and answers to questions that none of the doctors at the other Kaiser could tell us.

She looked down at the book I was caring, with a child like C she said wow! You are also reading the book called The Secret. I said well it's one that I picked up and put down Ch bought it for me. She couldn't believe she asked me how long has C been like this? I explained to her it's been over a year, no one can give us a good answer to what is going on with C. The second time C came towards us he hit me right on my back side. Talk about a red mark where it doesn't belong, she was as shocked as I was. That's just part of his behavior that I go through, we finally got C to come with us. She took us to her office which had shelves with toys and a basket of toys that he played with, while we talked. I explained to her that Ch was with his doctor at the moment and that he's been having personal issues of his own that he's been dealing with. By that time Ch called me asked where we were at, I said across the hall from his doc's office. I said that I was with someone that actually saw what we have been going through.

The three of us ended up back into the waiting room of kaiser; I called my bible study teacher V told her that I would be driving myself again. I explained to her that we were at Kaiser C went into one of his tantrums, and I would see them when I got there. She reminded me that she loves me, that god loves me and is looking out for us. She would be praying for us. It didn't take long for a few doctors to come out and talk to us. They took us all into a conference room to talk to us and to get us contacted with the right person's that deal with children like C. By the time we got home, it was already 3:30 and I still needed to pack a few things. After my truck was loaded and every thing put inside I looked at the time and almost didn't want to go. It was already late, we spent over an hour at Kaiser I was getting irritated I wanted to just come home, leave for my retreat and not deal with any one. Because one will or can give us any answers. Well needless to say, they all agreed that there is something else going on with C, of course they asked me if I was seeing a counselor? I said no, my outlets is my work, my bible study, that I no longer attend since Ch is working nights. I have no one to watch my boys, I'm planning on going to a retreat leaving at 3:30 this afternoon.

I didn't get on the road until 4:00 p.m. Friday afternoon, and got lost getting up there. I have no idea how I did that one, I did make it in the dark. Pulled in at desert time. I was so close in turning around and coming home, that's how I bad and rotten I was feeling. After finding my way to my place where the retreat was, I was just happy to be with my church family. I explained to them what had happened and that it was a prayer that had finally been answered someone actually saw what we have been going through. Most of my group either went to bed early, or stayed up until 12: a.m. playing domino's. I took myself to bed after I gave every one a should massage. That was my Friday.

After a good nights sleep and getting up early, usually I'm still sleeping until 8:30 a.m. since I was away and wanting to enjoy the peacefulness of being away from home. The second part of the retreat, most of my group signed up for different activities I hung out at the pool most of the afternoon. Tried my hand at the rock climbing wall they have there, I didn't make it to the top like I did last year. I did enjoy myself. The speaker that was there this year was the singer from last year's retreat, she lost a child about a month after he was born. She shared her story on how she and her husband over came this tragedy. They have two children, one has ADHD, went through some of the behaviors of what we were going through. The only difference is that they sent their daughter away to a teen rehabilitation camp out of state. We cannot do that she explained to me, that they sent their daughter away for quite some time. Afterwards they had to relearn, rethink and help their daughter through tough times.

Even though we may have good times and bad times, and want to pull our hair out. We must remember that Patience, prayers and faith will get us through those tough times. All of us are on a road to recovery, C is very smart and just needs a good school that will accept him. Just like the speaker that I talked to, her daughter is very smart and doesn't forget anything either. It takes parents like us to let our kids know we love them no matter how bad they get. I'm so blessed to have many friends to stand by us and pray for us, if we need a shoulder to lean on they are there to guide us love us and encourage us.

My retreat was every thing that I needed, I'm so glad that I had the chance to get away and recharge my batteries. Thank you my dear hubby I'm glad that you sent me away again, I'm hoping to go again next year. The weather was as awesome as the retreat. Last year at this time we were cold rainy, this year we were in the eighties, we all had a good time.

I'm hoping to get in some writing, as soon as I can. There is so much I want to write about it's finding the time to do so. I know good things come to those who wait. And waiting is what every one is going to have to do.

Running Out Of Time

As ch has written we are running out of time, C has become more than just a hand full he has become a holy terror on two legs. Yes I have to say C has given me my share of bruises, just about kicked out the sliding glass window, actually he went as far as kicking out the bottom of our security screen door, while Ch was at work. Ch came by to see how things were going; To say the least he wasn't thrilled to find our new screen door busted up. This just the topper of what we are going through with C. He went as far as throwing a pair of scissors at school yesterday, I got the message on my cell letting me know that C will be coming home from school early. I called Ch letting him know what had happened, he tells there was no calls from the school. I get home and looked at the answering machine which is blinking, oh really C didn't get sent home from school early. Here's the message I played it, he didn't realize that C was sent home early. I wanted to yell but what good would that do? Nothing absolutely nothing! Anything that I do isn't good enough for this child, if J doesn't get his way or isn't paying attention to what I expect for him to do, then C goes into a tail spin. So yes I do have my hands full, while one child is running from me telling me he hates me, drops the Fbomb more than once, can't punish him which does nothing but gets us both upset. Has called me bitch don't ask me where he got that word from, it wasn't from me. As mad as C makes me I can't use foul words he will repeat them, bed time has become a major pain in the ass! There is no peace unless both boys are in bed. The only thing that seems to be working is turning off all the lights, playing a relaxing CD, and reading him a bed time story.

By the time I just about get settled into my reading, and relaxing is an hour before Ch walks through the door from work, I'm up about 5 a.m. due to change of hours at work go in early get off early, that way I can start on the house work or if there is laundry that needs to be done then I have time to get it started. This way I'm not rushing around trying to get a list of things that need to be done before dinner and after dinner. Bath time has become a real hard one, usually C will not fight me on this but lately it's been NO I don't want to, I don't have to! You can't make me. Oh really well guess what child your wrong, and I'm right.

We are so desperate for answers that it's not even funny, there is no even keel with C. He is either happy for about an hour, and all of a sudden it's like a switch that goes off and he's running all over the place, hitting, screaming, and I'm in total shock what the hell just happened. J and I didn't do anything, and this all takes place while I'm trying to cook dinner, and trying to figure out how long it's going to take, and what chores of mine needs to be done. I'm basically crying on the inside Lord please some one find an answer for this child of ours, there is barley enough hours in the day for any of us. It's becoming so overwhelming that I'm just so tired at night, that I'm not even sure if I'm getting enough sleep.

There is no doubt in my mind that C does need out side help. He is getting too strong too over baring for me to handle. We have reached a crises point with C, either Kaiser needs to step up to the plate and give us a place where C can go for help. Basically he cannot stay here any more. After the bruises he's given me and not to mention the one he gave J by throwing a shoe at him, which he showed me tonight, how the hell did that happen where the hell was I? Either in the bathroom or out doing laundry. I can't be in two places at once, C is going to wind up hurting himself real bad. My main concern is my safety, his brother's safety and that of a sliding glass window which is about ready to fall out. C has no control over any thing he says or does. One minute he can be down right loving, hugging, gives kisses and all of a sudden for no apparent reason, he just blows his top. And that's when the hitting, pinching, biting and I hate yous start up.

I can't believe I just wrote such an awful post, this has been on my mind for quite some time. I'm not sure how long it will be up or if I'm going to post this at all. I feel like a mom that doesn't care any more, which is not true. I'm just so exhausted with the out bursts and the hurtfulness that I'm getting from C, I love both of my boys very much. How much is too much? And when is it okay to say I've had enough? I'm dying inside my heart eachs for peace and love that I know is in C we just need to figure out how to tap into it, get him to be more loving than having him fight the way he does.

Faith And Hope

I can actually say that my faith and my hope, are the two most powerful aspects that get me through my toughest moments. This past weekend was Mother's Day, which was very nice. I had a lot of calls my brother from Utah called me, and wished me a Happy Mother's day, he even informed me that our dad and my step mom, are planning to move back to Mexico in a few years. A shock to all of us, my brother is not happy. We are both feeling very overwhelmed, we have a few years before they move. I haven't seen my dad since last summer, and the rest of the family a few years ago. It doesn't seem fair, we're all feeling a little bit sad. Faith brought us together, and hope brought us memories to last a life time. As always our phone conversations went from talking about jobs, our kids, and to what we will be doing for this special day. I even got to talk to my sister-in-law, she is doing fine. My two nephews and niece are doing good, growing the oldest is in Cub Scouts the other two are still a little young to join.

My Brother that I'm really close to also called me, he is doing fine. Except for the homesickness that he is feeling at the moment. He lost 20 pounds, from working and eating healthy. He has been warned not to lose any more, He is 6'1 while I'm 5'6 1/2 and thin. We talked about how much we miss our mom, and if she was here what she would be doing for Mother's Day. And how many times she would tell to stop running in the house! It's not been easy we keep wondering if there was something different we could have done. Only if she would have watched what she ate, and wondered if there was some way of getting her high blood pressure under control. Alas there was nothing that could be done. Her time was up and the Lord needed another angel.

My Boy's took me out to breakfast which was really good, we had a good time with CH's parents, I and my mom-in-law had chocolate covered strawberries they were soooooo goooood. After a wonderful breakfast we came home did some much needed work around the house, which is never ending. I vacuumed my suv all the carpets are cleaned the outside has been washed and my windshield is much better to see out of.
And yes we did go fishing last Friday it was a lot of fun, and yes I did help catch two cat fish on Ch's new fishing pole and reel. I do have to say it was so much fun, catching and releasing fish is the fun part.

As for things with C, they are the same; No change in his temperaments, C has also been kicked out of his after school program for the rest of the year. C is not allowed back until the next school year. So in the meantime I have changed my hours at work, CH has to be up with both boy's while I'm walking out the door at 7:00 a.m. and coming home an hour earlier, with school ending it's better that I start earlier and getting off early too. That way we don't have to worry about a babysitter during the summer or when school starts back up in late August. And now I can actually can come home and do my house work that seems to wait until the weekends, then again that doesn't last very long, since we've seemed to have found something to do as a family such as night fishing or going away for the day.

My evenings are sometimes filled with temper tantrums that are non-stop. Or trying to get two boys into bed by 9:00 p.m. then finding that I'm very exhausted from the days work and the drive home that I'm wanting to fall asleep the minute I get home. I know the cause of this, I've forgotten to take my multi-vitamins that I'm suppose to take. Which lately I haven't been doing that.

J is doing good in school, he recently got a C+ on his science fair project. Which is a pretty good grade. No complaints from me or his dad, he is giving it his best shot, now if he would only remember to give important information that way I know exactly what is going on at school. He didn't tell me that picture day was the week after Spring break I walked into the office last Friday to let them know that he had a Chiropractor's appointment and that they recently had picture day. Now I have to wait until next spring to get his done. Since kids do tend to grow more during the fall and late spring it's better to get them done right before school lets out.

Since we couldn't have ch home for dinner, we took him dinner on Mother's Day evening of course J and C thought it would be fun to try to keep an Alligator lizard as a pet which is now running loose in the garage, I'm hoping one of the cat's will take care of it. I can't believe the two of them thought is fun to let such a icky critter run around in the garage. I'm hoping it doesn't show up while I'm doing the laundry or cooking dinner. And if the darn thing dies in my laundry someone will be doing the laundry and it won't be me! I think it's time to teach J how to do the laundry *evil grin*.

It's about time to get dinner on the table and maybe, just maybe a relaxing evening before I go to bed. We'll have to see, every time I try to do that my boys seem to think it's their time to be up. Mom is in need of recharging her batteries.
That's all for now I'll try to keep you all updated, when I get a moment of quietness.


Last but not least, I would like to say farewell to a wonderful blogger who has been around longer than I have. May Artful Dodger and Lady L, have a blessed life together. May their families be stronger than ever, they both are very caring people. So Here's to Artful Doger God Bless you and Farewell. You will be truly missed.

Things are not still not the best, life has yet thrown another punch. I can't even concentrate on any of my devotions I've got J and C wanting to play around until after 8 p.m. and now I have to get up thirty minutes earlier than normal because C has been kicked out of his afterschool program this week. Not to mention he's just about being kicked out of his second school, so now were do we go from here? I'm loosing an up hill battle, I'm being tossed by the sea. With no shore in sight, so much darkness that is surrounding every little place that I look that my emotions are taking over. I have no time to cry, I have no time to read, I have no time to fold five loads of laundry. And now this!! Please Lord no more! I can't even think at the moment. Right now I'm feeling very overwhelmed. Now not only do I have C up now I've got J up too. I'm going now I'll write when I can.
Love
Summer

Very Tired

Yes it's true I'm very tired, after the two days of a nightmare that I would never would expect C to even think of doing and saying; It's just amazing that I even made it home from work on Monday afternoon. We've seen C at his worse, nothing like this, I don't think that any one is ever prepared for this kind of behavior. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling at the moment, it's a lot of numbness that I'm feeling or whether it's I'm just very tired from the last two days. It's one thing of not getting answers and another of having us being told that were at fault and that we are the one's who are putting these kinds of thoughts into our son's head. Which in turn we did file a formal complaint this morning, and my call to the number that is located on the back of the card, is when they did call us back. Ch was on the phone with Kaiser when I arrived home. I was told by my supervisor that I was to turn around, and go home we weren't busy enough and that today would be fine. She told she is expecting me to be there at work; I have at least three clients tomorrow morning.

I explained to her that I can't afford to lose my job, Angela (Not her real name)...said that wouldn't happen she promise me this right then and there, I can't believe my supervisor would go to such lengths as to say that my job will be there tomorrow, that my family is to come first. This is what I call a blessing to have a caring person to work and stand beside their employee's. I made a call to C's regular doctor this morning Ch was not too thrilled he thought I was changing doctors on C. I said No I'm not, I've worked too hard too long to find the right doctor that will actually listen to what I have to say. And if I have any questions that he would not walk out of the room with out giving me an answer. C loves his doctor, I can't change him now. And have to go through the process of finding a doc. like this one. I don't think so! I'm staying in the East bay for J and C's medical care. The rest I'll move my child from.

And so today we did just that, C has an appointment not too far from where I work. C will be out of school until we see this new counselor starting tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. The end results of the doctors appointment this evening was, getting C's blood tested a third time, poor child Ch was the bad guy, I was the good guy took C out to dinner. The doctor is looking for a chromosome called fragile X, it's something to do with the size of the child's head. And usually children with this has a more of a long face to them, in C's case his head is not. The doc also sent another referral to the Autism center near San Jose, and see if they can give us a second oppion the first one doesn't make any sense at all.

We have to wait a week for the blood test to come back, I even went as far asking about a brain scan doc said that wouldn't really give us any clear cut answers because C is still growing and it wouldn't give us any answers to what the problem is. I did the right thing took C back to his pediatrician to have him look at C a little more closely, and he even agrees with us, that the Mental Health Center is wrong. That we have been looking for the right answer since C was 4 yrs old. And he is now 6 yrs old, he is getting stronger every day and has one powerful kick to him. My bruises have healed, C's temperament is at a crises stage, and finding what is making him tick is what we are looking for.

I want to thank each and every one of you, for your prayers well wishes and continued support for us. I would write more I'm very exhausted, I've made two calls tonight, we are very blessed to have meet the right people, from the church that I attend. Without their support in the last two days I don't think I would be able to get through today. We still have a long way to go, and our prayer is that the tests come back with something to go on, that the new counselor will be able to help us. In getting down to what is making C tick.

Until next time Good Night.