My Silence

I haven't told many people, Ch knows we've made jokes about it. Health wise I know that I'm not alone that many women go through this, many have said I'm too young. I haven't really said much about it in the past few years. Because it comes and goes, lately it's been a little worse than other times. I haven't had the chance to do any research, I'm too involved with both boys and no time to really look up any information, I've been told that many women younger than me have not had any children because their bodies seemed work against them. In my case I was very blessed to have two boys when we did, I'm slowly going through a change that is suppose to happen to older women, in their 40's not in their 30's. I'm not letting this awful change get the best of me. I'm learning to keep my tongue in check, I know that this is very important, I can't let every little thing get to me.

There are a few things that I don't like about this, is dealing with mild hot flashes. Yes people I did say that awful word! And not taking it back. Oh and the change of my sex drive, I haven't mentioned any of this in any of my post over the past year, because I thought it would go away on it's own and who was I kidding! At my last appointment back in April of this year, I was talking to my obgyn about my changes. We did a pap found that my body was differently going through what most women go through in their later years. I wasn't sure how to respond to this, I've known for a long time; Not knowing how to come out and say I've got this change and I'm going through and it's bit annoying if you ask me. So basically I've been living in silence not wanting to discuss any of this with any one, to be honest with you all I'd rather not have brought up this subject, but it's gotten to the point that I needed to write about it.

Sure there are times that I think of other kids, then just at that moment J and C start fighting then I realize that, it's better just having our two boys and not another one. I'm thrilled to have my two boys to keep me on my toes and play soccer, go fishing and just being able to enjoy them while they are growing. When I finally realized that these two were going to be it, my mind wanted to scream, I felt numb being told that I was going through the change, I felt like someone had taken the air out of my lungs. I asked my doc how does this happen? I'm young aren't I? This is something that we had talked about a year ago, and now it's caught up with me, and I don't know which was worse having a much needed surgery or having to be told that my body was going through premature menopause. It was like part of me just felt lost, not really sure if this was even happening. I wanted to be left alone, wanted nothing more than to come home and have the house to myself.

I remember coming home and telling Ch I'm fine, my iud is still in place and that my obgyn wants me to start watching my weight little bit closer, since I'm a little bit older. Nothing too serious, that every thing is good. I have to take a multi-vitamin make sure that I'm still eating healthy, which I do. Instead of five days a week she wants me to put in six days of workouts, which I do every other weekend. And to keep up the good work that I've been doing so far, nothing out of the unusual, has happened she did take a look at my breasts to make sure that they were doing good from the surgery that I recently had done. She was glad that every thing came out great that there were no complications. She did stress that I should be working out a little more, about 30 Min's longer than my normal routine. I may end up doing that this fall since it will be useless to try walking during a rain storm. Other wise I'm in pretty good health, part of me was dying inside as I was talking to Ch, we both knew that I was constantly getting sick. But that comes with having kids, if one of them gets sick well your next in line to catch whatever it is that they came home from school with.

So here I am finally letting every one know that I'm letting go of my silence, and that Premature Menopause is no walk in the park, because that's how I've gained weight and now I'm fighting to loose it. With the holidays slowly approaching believe me it's going to be hell for me, I'm not going to let this interfere with my baking. I'll just have to make sure I've got a lot of fruit on hand, lots of ovaltine mix for my milk, that way I won't be snacking on the cookie dough, or anything else for that matter. And watching how much food I put on my plate, doc's orders told me to be mindful and I shall.

My thoughts and prayers have always been very positive, no matter what I've been through and they will continue to do so.