What can I say?

There are many ways this can be taken. For one I'm no stranger to pain. Two I know what's like to have been yelled at told your not good enough and your pretty much worthless. Speaking in terms of Ch and me, today he was off usually during this month being it the last of waterfowl season he is usually out, not today he stayed home! Most women jump at the chance of their other half being home sorry not me! For one reason he told me the other I'm yours after waterfowl season do you know how much I hate that; For one when he's out during the season and I'm home with the kids do I find a break in between weekends once in a while. I'm pretty much hating him for the things he has done mind you I'm still praying that the nightmare that he put me through will end. And for once I can rejoice being able to be the better wife. I know he said I've got a heart that is kind to every one, yes I did worry over my cat being gone sorry I'm a softy for animals. I know it's a road to recovery but at the same time I feel so much hurt, pain, and anger of why he couldn't see it sooner and at the same time I feel if there was anything to differ the situation? I know marriage is a two way street I'm not just saying it's not all his fault it's mine too. Yes there are still times when the should haves and the what if's raise their ugly heads, there is nothing I can do now I must live and learn from our mistakes. When you have been pushed to the brink of disaster and wanting nothing more than the respect you wanted what does one do? I hate feeling let down and not good enough for someone who says he loves you then turns around and says mean things to. Mind you this is what I've been through not really a place that I want to be in I know it's taken me a while to write more on this. I don't want Ch to read this I'm hoping he will stay away from this one, it will put him in such a mood. We've through some stuff with our little one and I really don't want to add fuel to the fire. And if any of you want to know I haven't read what he wrote he told me not too, I know why this part is pretty touchy. For many years as he has gone out hunting I've stayed home; there were only a few times that I would leave for the weekend I would go to my moms and spend the weekend with her. Then it was with my brother now it's with no one just the two boys, it bugs me a lot that I can't find time for me sure he gets it during the hunting season I've hardly ever asked for anything, do I go shopping no! Not on your life hardly, only when clothes don't fit and you need jeans for work or even if I wanted to get something to look good in I would just pass it by. I Tell myself I don't need it. I don't have a place to wear something nice I don't go anywhere except to work and church, I can actually say I had a good time with my extended family in Utah last spring I got spoiled by my sister a shopper boy does she know how to put an outfit together! Actually had fun no kids no Ch to tell me no it was all about the yes!! I brought home few new outfits to wear in the summer and one it the winter. Even when we go places when it's the two of us I have a hard time wanting to buy things that look nice or that he might like, I've learned to just put my wants aside and always put our boys first. I would rather be a giver than the receiver. One of things I realized yesterday in the mail I received a card from a dear friend she sent me few words of encouragement and to never give up. You know something she is truly right today I had two massages back to back to me it's a blessing to know there is always someone praying for you;). If any one can realize there usually is a rainbow after the rain. If anyone finds it in their heart to stop hurting the one you love or at least find a way of talking to someone about how they are feeling instead of letting it build up inside like I have done. I'm sure they will be happy to hear why and maybe find a way of fixing the problem before it ruins a good thing. Will there be an answer as Ch is relearning what he has done hoping to make things better? One only hopes that it will, in the meantime I will continue to pray and be a stronger woman who has dealt with anger issues from the one who hurt me. As for our boys I only hope they don't make the same mistakes as they get older I'm watching both of them very carefully and only pray for goodness, mercy and wisdom. That so far I have taught them by going to church and reading to them. I've posted way too much and this has taken me three days to write out what I'm feeling I will let Ch know he cannot read this one whatsoever. May everyone have a good weekend Please forgive me for my writings.

Hitting wrong buttons..

I'm having one of those mornings, it's no one's fault it's just one of those things.
My last week was either spent in the doctors office or in a meeting with our little one's teacher. Not a way that my weeks usually go, but it just made me want to scream run for the nearest door! I'm not the type of person who shares every detail of her life just the type that calls her best friend and try to make sense of eveything. Lately I've been having a few dizzy spells and getting up tired than usuall this all started right after we took my sister home, I had a big breakfast and skipped lunch usually I can bring myself out of it by eating dinner and drinking lots of water, this time I couldn't do it so having both kids at school, I just laid around I didn't start feeling better until mid week. Of course my house the laundry and everything else just went to pieces I felt really bad for Ch I kept appologizing for the house being a mess and nothing seemed to get done that I wanted to do. All I could I was pray that this would go away it had to. I had a buisness simminar to attend I didn't want to miss this type of an oppertunity to promote myself I had a
good time on Saturday. My work had a buisness simminar for the one's that have their own buisnesses it was really cool. I gave out not just the buisness cards for my on site massage but also my buisness number on the back of each card that wanted to have my number if they couldn't afford or they felt more comfortable for someone to come to them. I've always been one of giving more than recieving, I ended up with an evening appointment that same night, and I even got invited to a jewlery party the following weekend. Monday after my wonderful weekend it went down hill again this time having the our kids home for the three day weekend. I wanted to do some stuff on the computer and that just didn't happen our little one kept yelling and pitching a fit I just felt so run down. My m-i-l called and said she might coming over to drop something off for our oldest she asked if I was okay I said no my head was pounding I felt dizzy and I couldn't seem to do anything. Of course my doc was not in due to it being a holiday I sure didn't want to go in a different direction of the nearest doc. Tuesday I called they made the appoint. for the following day she asked some random questions checked my bloodpressure gave me a checkup then sent me to get my blood drawn. This is the part that I hate the most is having to deal with someone who isn't careful or doesn't understand that there are some of us that can't stand the site of a needle!! I asked how long would get the blood results back she said in a few days. Oh great! in the meantime I'm still feeling a little sluggish and not really knowing what is wrong me, I'll just eat everything healthy until I get the results back. My doc calls just before the weekend mind you I'm a little nervious I work out five days a week, when the weather is good I try to get outside. She gives me my results my iron is good, potassium good,surgar,normal okay so we can rule out diabetes which runs in my family high bloodpressure we can for now rule out except one cholesterol is good and one is bad okay so what the hell is going on as I have mentioned a few times I do work out. She says that I could have a virous that hasn't cleared up yet it may take while to do, in the meantime stay away from all sweets that means no icecream, no cheese don't tell me the milk as well!! ahhh I love chocolate milk. I have to have my calcium, no homemade cookies we still have two more bags of cookies in the freezer in the garage. Chocolate I can handle I can't have that anyway it. Well see you in two weeks lets just go with fresh fruit and veggies for a while hey that's fine with me, I've already got a list started one step ahead of the doc! So as for my weekend I had a lot of fun I went to my jewlery party gave a few massages made a little money and ate what I wanted and that was it. I really had a good time I've been invited to a Relay For Life Fundraiser I'm really thinking of getting involed with this. This time I'm bringing my own table, and sheets. As for my meeting with our childs teacher it went well he is not ready for kindergarden there a few problems he is still having so I got all the papers called his doc. and see what we can do and he calls me back we go over everything that the teacher and speaclist has said, he's looking on the test results of some stuff that is over due. He's even sending us to another pediatrion in South Sac so here's to another prayer that I've been praying for all I want is a happy healthy kid that doesn't throw a fit or temper out when you talk to him nicely or ask him to do something or a change of routine gets him all riled up. So in the meantime I'm just praying and making everyone feel at home. May every one's week be a better one if you have any thing like mine. I will someday say why I can't have chocolate of any kind except when it's either baked or with hot milk. For now I will leave you with this.

If peace be in the heart the wildest
winter storm is full of solemn beauty.
C.F. Richardson

Mom's Bday

I thought this would be an easier year. Well I guess not!! I've had a lot to deal with lately and I just looked at my calendar Jan 13th wait minute it's three days before what would have been my mom's 63rd birthday. A week into the New Years, almost a month, There is one song that comes to mind for today I will type here:

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN
Reba McEntire

If I had only known
it was the last walk in the rain
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm
I would hold your hand
Like a life line to my heart
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm
If I had only known
It was our last walk in the rain.

If I had only known
I'd never hear your voice again
I'd memorize each thing you ever said
And on those lonely nights
I could think of them once more
Keep your words alive inside my head
If I had only known

You were the treasure in my hand
You were the one who always stood
be side me
So unaware I foolishly believed
That you would always be there
But then there came a day
And I turned my head and you
Slipped away

If I had only known
It was my last night by your side
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn
And when you'd smile at me I would look into your eyes
And make sure know my love
For you goes on and on
If I had only known
the love I would've shown
If I had only known

Yes I am a huge fan of contry music, If there was away that I could some of my favorite songs on here I would sorry, to those who don't like it. But you can't please everyone.

Schools in finally!

After three weeks of our boy's fighting, I'm happy to say they have finally returned to school. Our oldest has homework after school and things I wish could say were back to normal; if any one knows what normal is? Please let me know. Even though they are back in school I ended up on my back with the flu, of course the doctors warned me this will be the worst year for this kind of stuff! I'm tired of being sick, Even if I wanted to work out there is no way my body feels tired my head feels a little heavy. As for my visit with my god mother after taking my sister home it was good she will be turning 91 next month and she doesn't look it. I called last night to see how she is doing she is also sick with a cold and ear infection she is my prayers of getting better. I have lost my train of thought for this post maybe it's part of the flu still; whatever it is I don't like it. I will leave you with this:

Every day we live is a piceless gift of God,
loaded with possibilites to learn something
new, to gain fresh insights.
Dale Evens Rodgers

Feeling better

I don't know what it is, every time I give someone a massage I feel so much better.
Earlier this morning I felt as my spirit wasn't getting what it needed I prayed this morning while I was on the computer and I even listen to one of my Christian music cd's ( now if I could only remember the web site of the one that is outside of Sac). As it would have it Ch is having a hard time with his depression which puts me on the deffince and wanting to run for the nearst door, not exactly what every one wants to hear. But what am I suppose to do? it gets worse. My sister has been here for three weeks and it has been an intersting three weeks she has said what is the use of believing when you are the one who screwed up your life. I've tried every which way to convince her that there is so much in believing than just going to church. Of course while playing one of my favorite cd's she made the comment there is too much god. Excuse me it's bad enough ch doesn't beleive now my sister!! when will this ever stop!?! I've had it with both of them lately and now I've been a little bitter over the situations I'm not the one who made her this way I've only been out of the house for 12 years why all of sudden I feel that I need to take care of her. Actually she is the one who made herself this way she is the one who got herself in this mess she needs to find away of getting herself out of it. She put herself in jail after she attacked our mom eight months before she died, she met a guy supposedly the story is someone shot her in the arm with some kind of drug and she lost it and hit our mom put her in the hospital my mom pressed charges. I was told to stay away don't come home until Thanksgiving boy was I pissed off at every one who told me to stay put. Thank god I was working the day that I made the phone call to my godmother because I couldn't get in touch with my mom, I dropped my phone and hit my knees I couldn't talk I was in complete shock to hear what had happen. I'm very close to my family my brother was either at work when or with friends so of course he has a bad temper he wanted to go after the boy friend of my sister. It made him realize that there is so much to life than drugs he tried pot when he was younger I can't remember how he finally realized that it didn't agree with him. Eventhough he is out of state we still talk always tells me that he loves our sister but then again neither of them have actually talked about what really happened, so either way I'm in a no lose situation. Ch has been in a mood that is just really getting out of hand I don't like it when he is this way it puts every one walking on egg shells. I try my best not to upset him any more than what he already is and I'm the one who called and rescheduled his appointment so please put the blame on me, they had two appointments I should have taken the ten o'clock on the tenth. I didn't know he would be like this; am I talking to him no? not when he's like this thank god for girlfriends! It just puts me in a very tough place our kids have been board out of their minds it's either raining or foggy they go back to school this Monday thank goodness. Now I've lost my train of thought because the five year old is drawing with chalk on the walls luckly it's white and I just took it away. I'm now leaving.

I've Been Tagged!?!

I've been wondering how long it would take for someone get me.


So you get one wish of anything, what would you ask for?


Wish for 6 more wishes.
1. A tutor for my oldest.
2. A new job which I already have, a great start to the New Year.
3. Going back to school to learn more I have this thing of wanting to learn more massage techinques.
4. Living for today and not worry about tomarrow.
5. Spending more time with my extened family out of state.
6. I can't think of any thing for my last wish. If I think of something I'll come back to it.

If I could be any animal, which one would it be? more than likely a seal they eat a lot of fish and they live on the beach and I love the beach. Oh wait a mintue I'm suppse to tag six other people, I can't think of any at the moment sorry.