What can I say?

There are many ways this can be taken. For one I'm no stranger to pain. Two I know what's like to have been yelled at told your not good enough and your pretty much worthless. Speaking in terms of Ch and me, today he was off usually during this month being it the last of waterfowl season he is usually out, not today he stayed home! Most women jump at the chance of their other half being home sorry not me! For one reason he told me the other I'm yours after waterfowl season do you know how much I hate that; For one when he's out during the season and I'm home with the kids do I find a break in between weekends once in a while. I'm pretty much hating him for the things he has done mind you I'm still praying that the nightmare that he put me through will end. And for once I can rejoice being able to be the better wife. I know he said I've got a heart that is kind to every one, yes I did worry over my cat being gone sorry I'm a softy for animals. I know it's a road to recovery but at the same time I feel so much hurt, pain, and anger of why he couldn't see it sooner and at the same time I feel if there was anything to differ the situation? I know marriage is a two way street I'm not just saying it's not all his fault it's mine too. Yes there are still times when the should haves and the what if's raise their ugly heads, there is nothing I can do now I must live and learn from our mistakes. When you have been pushed to the brink of disaster and wanting nothing more than the respect you wanted what does one do? I hate feeling let down and not good enough for someone who says he loves you then turns around and says mean things to. Mind you this is what I've been through not really a place that I want to be in I know it's taken me a while to write more on this. I don't want Ch to read this I'm hoping he will stay away from this one, it will put him in such a mood. We've through some stuff with our little one and I really don't want to add fuel to the fire. And if any of you want to know I haven't read what he wrote he told me not too, I know why this part is pretty touchy. For many years as he has gone out hunting I've stayed home; there were only a few times that I would leave for the weekend I would go to my moms and spend the weekend with her. Then it was with my brother now it's with no one just the two boys, it bugs me a lot that I can't find time for me sure he gets it during the hunting season I've hardly ever asked for anything, do I go shopping no! Not on your life hardly, only when clothes don't fit and you need jeans for work or even if I wanted to get something to look good in I would just pass it by. I Tell myself I don't need it. I don't have a place to wear something nice I don't go anywhere except to work and church, I can actually say I had a good time with my extended family in Utah last spring I got spoiled by my sister a shopper boy does she know how to put an outfit together! Actually had fun no kids no Ch to tell me no it was all about the yes!! I brought home few new outfits to wear in the summer and one it the winter. Even when we go places when it's the two of us I have a hard time wanting to buy things that look nice or that he might like, I've learned to just put my wants aside and always put our boys first. I would rather be a giver than the receiver. One of things I realized yesterday in the mail I received a card from a dear friend she sent me few words of encouragement and to never give up. You know something she is truly right today I had two massages back to back to me it's a blessing to know there is always someone praying for you;). If any one can realize there usually is a rainbow after the rain. If anyone finds it in their heart to stop hurting the one you love or at least find a way of talking to someone about how they are feeling instead of letting it build up inside like I have done. I'm sure they will be happy to hear why and maybe find a way of fixing the problem before it ruins a good thing. Will there be an answer as Ch is relearning what he has done hoping to make things better? One only hopes that it will, in the meantime I will continue to pray and be a stronger woman who has dealt with anger issues from the one who hurt me. As for our boys I only hope they don't make the same mistakes as they get older I'm watching both of them very carefully and only pray for goodness, mercy and wisdom. That so far I have taught them by going to church and reading to them. I've posted way too much and this has taken me three days to write out what I'm feeling I will let Ch know he cannot read this one whatsoever. May everyone have a good weekend Please forgive me for my writings.