Yes my cat decided she needed a snack after we go got home from shopping, I found her on the coffee table nibbling at the leaves, then she proceeds to spit it out onto the floor. Oh great! Well at least she didn't get sick which was a good thing. As for the Vday gift we got it sized while out shopping so it will be back in about 6 to 7 working days. With that taken care of, I think or I could be wrong I've read a few comments on Ch's blog and the reason why I didn't want another ring this is going to painful I'm going to warn Ch about reading this post. It will tear him up inside as I've already done that on Vday, three years after we were married I don't remember what set his temper off I remember wearing my ring I was either cleaning or going somewhere with him, he starts yelling at me I look down at my finger all I could think of was is this part of being married. Being critized and being controlled? For everything that I've tried to do. At the time I was working between five to seven days straight without a day off, There were times when I didn't want to wear my ring there were times when I wanted to throw it at him and tell him to find another! I wasn't putting up with it. When you have a child it's bad enough that he or she will look at you and say I'm sorry sure I got a few sorries in between but it didn't make the hurt or the anger go away. I wanted so much to have him stop at the time I didn't know how I was growing but not in a spiritual way I wasn't able to attend church at the time I felt that I lost myself to his controlling ways no one knew what I was going through somehow I managed to hide it of course you can hide so much. Yes my ex-coworkers caught on there was nothing they could do, no one was there except for a few angles, I've always been told that I was lucky to live some women don't. The Lord has bigger plans for me, you know I believe that to be true, I won't deny my faith and what I've been through with Ch it hasn't been pretty. Yes he tells me every day that I love you, at times when the yelling and the pain that I was going through I wished I was not living that god would just take me away, or a least make me a stronger woman than I was so I could at least be more willing to stop my old ways. After receiving the new ring I felt myself going back to a past I don't want nothing to do with, I don't want the control back I don't want him to get mad when things with my work get a little crazy, I don't want him to critise me in front of his parents or any of his family members. He's been there done that. The things I have done was found peace for me, the hurt that he caused was not a good thing, he knows that; At least I know I have a mentor that I can turn to does she know about the ring? No neither one of my mentors knows about it I will see one at church tomorrow the other I will talk to sometime on Monday. There is so much that the two of us have been through I will have to post another; How bad could it get? Lets just say I still carry the scares from resent surgeries they have healed and The Lord willing we're all praying that they will not return.
I've written too much and I have a few more loads of laundry to do and the kids are out playing.
6 comments:
You do realize that you are still in bondage to stuff in the past, don't you? There is NOTHING CH can do or say that will make the pain less. EVER. He apologized. Perhaps he could try to atone for his sins. But there is no sacrifice he could make that will possibly relieve the hurt and burden you carry inside of yourself.
Only YOU have the power to unload all of that baggage you insist on dragging around. Give it up to Jesus. Because until you do, all that stuff becomes your religion. You can not serve two masters. I'm not saying CH is perfect, because he isn't. He never will be, this side of Heaven.
I know acceptance is so very hard. I know what it is like to wish to be carried Home in the Golden Chariot. To have an end to the pain and suffering. Letting go and letting God is all the more difficult for those who covet control.
D.
Digger
You are an amazing person obviously, I've struck a chord that I've known you to have. I know what it was like to serve two master's and I finally had to choose one of them do you know which one?
Thats right I choose the latter of the two. Either I was going to crash into a bottomless pitty pitty me or choose the one of peace, love and forgiveness.
Many of my mentors given me a lot of credit for dealing with anger from my husband along dealing with a death of a parent and just recelty a child with adhd.
For me to actually write about the past it hasn't been easy I just want someone to one day read what I wrote and try to help someone else.
For about a year I use to open my bible after Ch would go to bed I would read the book of psalms and cry my heart out. To show me how to love him, to give me a new heart each day that he would get mad at me. The lord is with me each and everyday I may not have time to read his word, I know he is with me. I'll be leaving in an hour for church, Ch is busy moving his parents I'm taking the kids no change there.
I've also have dealt with four breast surgeries since the age of twenty-one, each one thinking will be cancer. And each one has not been, cancer. They are called fiberistc tommers there is no cure for it,
I don't know if they will grow back. I can only say I'm a woman of christ and I can actually say it without hesitation.
For some reason the verse that I seem to be relating to is This to Shall past. Give my heart and I have, Ch tried to take my faith and you know it didn't work I kept reaching and reaching you know I'm standing on a solid foundation with our lord. I will try harder to make a post about, this one day in the mean time I'll try harder to give you something more of a lighter and more pleasent Summer Rose.
synergy
Thankyou, now if I could only find time to get back into my bible study. And finish a book that I'm reading called Children are From Heaven by John Grey Ph,d. It seems I've let my anger over ride my happiness as a person. I do have a very happy side of me, I didn't realize how upsetting I really was until digger pointed it out to me. I will give the website a look there is a book that my bible study gals are reading called Seeking Him by Nacy Leigh Demoss. There is another that I finished reading if your interested Having a Mary heart in Martha World by Joanna Weaver. If not that's okay I almost gave away my real name, Again thankyou.
S.R.
Synergy
Thankyou {{hugs}}! If there was a way of sending you some virtaul flowers. Christian books.com one of my mentors gave me the email address. Or if you have a place called Family Chistian.com they also have a wide selection of books. They do have stores that are pretty cool to walk in, it's a good thing I live 20 miles from it or I would be in there. :) have a good day I'll try to post again as soon as I'm done with the house work.
(((hugs))) for you and CH. It is so easy to hold that resentment and carry it around...but so freeing to finally let it go.
April
Thankyou for the {{{Hugs}}}; I'm proud of myself it takes a long time to heal and mend.
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