I Wasn't Ready For This

I know strange title, this post is going to reflect on a few things. So please just bare with me, while I try to sort this whole mess out. And maybe put what energy that I have left into my house work. By the way dear husband I'll get to it to. :) And you know I do love you.

I have thought about what went on here this weekend, to me it seemed like a dream that someone would wake me up and say who are you talking to? Knowing all to well it was my brother that is finally home. I say this only because it was his idea to leave family that would have helped in any way possible. His wife didn't want to move. I feel that life can throw us a curve ball not once but a few times. He had every thing. Only he wanted more. He got more and then some. He left a home that was given to him 4 yrs ago. She was very happy and content to live right there on the place that he grew up, strangest thing is he's not living too far from were we did grow up. Makes me wonder if he's regretting what he did?

Our visit was somewhat a little passive. We are a hugiging loving family. Somehow I wasn't sure how to take him being home. Mostly mixed emotions happy he's back, sad that he should have said something anything to let us know he was hurting in some way. I feel that he does need help emotionally. I did pick up on his energy, he's very disconnected in some ways blames others for what happen on this day 4 yrs ago. I'm trying my hardest not to repeat what I've already explained somewhere else. This isn't easy writing. When your dealing with verbal abuse it's hard to write about. That I know. Only as CH has said he's taking it to the next level, where CH never did he's only read my diaries. Yes I'm emotionally drained at the moment, took me a while to workout late this morning. I eat what I want, drink when I remember to have a glass of water. I feel so numb...Like I've been hit by a storm of some sorts, if that's a good way of describing myself. I've shed a few tears, haven't cried myself to sleep yet, I'm waiting for that to happen. Keeping it together for our boys they don't need to know any of this all they need to know is their uncle and aunt love them very much.

I and s-I-l's talk which turned into a three way, (get mind out of gutter)! She is giving me my moms ashes, guest book, and death certificate. There is money set aside after the property had sold, it's sitting in a bank in Id, if they can't work it out then it gets divided I'm so mad at my brother I could ring his f'ing neck! There are a few things that I will not part with, another china cabinet that goes to my sister if she can save enough money to get her own place. A writing desk that has been in the family for years, I used when I was in high school that I did my homework on, it needs work done to it. I'll find a place for it. Nick nacks that I have to go through, that worth a lot of money. I can't keep them I have no space for them I'll go through them to see what I can take otherwise they will go up for sale. We should have done this right after my mom passed away she agreed with me, it has a lot to do with the travel distance timing was never right. I have no choice, I've got to go down there and see what I can do.

I know I can't do any thing emotionally for her, except tell her she is still welcome to my house any time. Family is very important to me, she knows that. She very much loves my brother he needs to wake up, and smell the coffee before it's too late. I really thought that we had gotten through to him, if I had known he was yelling at her I would've turned around and went after them. She's very upset over this whole situation, she is planning on going into hiding if need be.

There is also some unfinished business with my moms estate, not something that I was even looking forward in handling since. I'm dealing with C. With his behavior issues which by the way are getting better with each passing day. Like I said I've done a lot of bouncing around sorry folks but that's how I'm feeling today.

As for my brother he's, staying with a classmate of mine from high school. It's going to take a lot on his part and her part to put it back back together and make it stronger. She's not going to give in so easily to my brother, understandable there I know of his temper, know what it's like to be scared to death. When he was doing some bad stuff in his younger years. It kind of boils down to this, he's in denial of yelling at his wife, he thinks he does no wrong been there with CH. I Know damn well that this going to take more, than just us talking to him. It will have to be someone that knows how to deal with guys like both CH and my brother. We weren't raised this way, we were taught to love one another and never hurt, all that does is leave scares that heal.

At last seeing him in a light that I know of all to well, I'm praying for mercy on his heart. And he realizes this is not a game this is real. Having a little baby girl that he loves very much, she's going to need him when she gets older. We did try to explain to him that kids even babies pick up on the bad energy, they feel our sadness, they feed off our love. I'm sure he doesn't want to have her grow up and finding this to be love because it's not. It's hurtful, it's painful, and it's not a way for any woman to live.

On July 4, 03 brought my mom home from hospital, July 12,03 I was called to the hospital where I was born at, my mom was on life support. I was told to come quickly and not to drive myself. CH was with his parents she followed him here, took our boys home with her, I and CH met everyone at the hospital including her brother and s-I-L. She had underwent a 7 bypass surgery six days before her passing, I prayed that her recovery would go smoothly. Alas it didn't, she died at the same hospital that I was born at. Her passing was quick she suffered nothing. The world didn't stop for my broken heart. Time seemed to stop, in some ways, then again I knew I wouldn't see her any more. I still have pics of her one I've missed place I'm sure I'll find it when I'm not looking for it.

I've spent so much time on this post. I realize that I went on different paths throughout this post. In due time I will post some thing more vibrant. I have some pics that I took the day before the 4th of our boys I'll post them. When I find the time to do so. Today is their last day of Summer School it's going to be a little tough posting much. I will give it a shot though.