In My Heart

I know there is sadness in my heart, I also know that lumps don't care what month or the time of the year, they just happen. Right before I had left I had mentioned that I had found a lump in my breast. I had my docs appointment on Wed., as I'm undressing for my examination I tell CH I hate this! Isn't better to get it checked so we know it's nothing? I said your right but still....As I'm sitting there I'm thinking of my weight 175 lbs I don't think that's an okay weight for me, and as I'm starting to think of how many times I sat in that room and each time I've done a good job of trying to keep from getting these, they still occur. As my doctor starts the examination, she is asking how my kids are doing I told her that Sam has Autism, she looks at me she says that's a hard one to deal with, I said yes it is, just as I tell her that my oldest is doing really well in school she moves over to the right side. Tells me not only did she find the one that I made the appointment for, but a second one has appeared that I didn't know about. My right side is good none there, thank heavens! I would have lost my mind, As she finishes my examination we discuss dates that are best fit for my schedule, I choose May 10th. As I got to thinking that's five days before Mother's Day! Now I'm really feeling a little blue, I know that the lord is watching me, as a few good angels from above. I'm feeling as if my heart is breaking, and it's no one's fault! It's one of those things that happen, Do I know what is coming next week at the appointment? Yes I've been through all this before nothing new, same thing, a needle biopsy,a mammogram which by the way hurts like hell. She will either schedule for a surgery or let it go, knowing my luck I'll be on my back for a few days for recovery, CH will have to take time off of work for this. He's been using up his vacation and sick leave for appointments with Sam and now for me, I'm feeling just a little upset over this whole situation, it's not even funny. I do everything they ask me no chocolate and no caffeine, and a bag of corn chips once in a while, not very often. In the meantime I'm getting the house work done, taking care of the boys making it as normal as possible for everyone, and still working. Which keeps my mind off of things that are going on with me, I care for those around me, sometimes more than I care for what I'm going through. They say it takes a special kind of person to put their concerns on the back burner and care for those who need it most. Other wise I'm doing okay just busy, with Sam and his schooling, which by the way isn't going all that well.

It's another battle, we explained to the teachers exactly what he has, and if there was any way that there would be any more help for him before school lets out for summer break. To no avail there is not going to be any more help, they have refused a one on one teacher that will help him with his daily tasks. Only because he can't handle a one on one, and the fact that he can't handle a class full of other students. Let's see, for one his pre-k teacher doesn't know what the hell she's doing half the time. If they were so pent up about his behavior why didn't they just send him to a different school all together? Instead of having me pick him up or try different reward system. I even talked to one teacher that I attend church with she questioned me is her class room always out of control? You know I should have pulled him out of there last year! I feel like a terrible mom for not seeing it sooner instead of waiting until this year to figure out what his problems were. Then again they weren't all that noticeable until January of this year, I feel down right angry and upset, over how things have been going with the school and with Sam all I can do is pray for a better teacher to see things my way. And of course they feel that sending him to summer school is an option, I'm not sure how well he will do; It's only for six weeks this year. It would be a nice break, my oldest has refused to go to summer school he's been going since the first grade. Now I don't even know how that's going to work; if I have one home and one gone, there so much I want to do this summer but I can't with one here and one gone. By this coming week oldest will be going to summer school, no if, ands or butts about it! I'm going to have six weeks with out the boys! Which will be give a chance to work on promotions, or try to take a few courses that will enable me to keep my insurance up to date. Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead, I love what I do, and yes the courses are not cheap, but it would be way of saving $70.00 per month on my student loan. I know what is best for both boys it's the matter of having the Sam act up while I'm at school or while CH and I are at work. It's so confusing at what to do, Can I scream now!?!

As much as I want a weekend away I know there isn't a way. I need to keep a positive attitude about everything that were going through, I need to be able to keep in mind that. This is just another bump in the road and one that won't last long. I can only hope; As I sit here wondering what steps I should take and which one's I shouldn't I also know there is so much that I want to do and see. Yet life is full of unwants and unwillingness to know what the future will hold.

I've taken a long time to write this, my week has been full of appointments and getting things taken care of before my weekend away. When I had started this it was the day of my appointment and a day after we had Sam's meeting at his school. I don't know what will happen next week at my next breast examination I know it will be a rough one, I'm not looking forward to and I'm not going to be a bit surprised at what she will find. Keep in mind I'm only 31 yrs and lumps don't care how old you are they just happen.


This post was suppose to be done on May 5th 2006 Sorry for the delay of the update.