A Very Belated Update

I just wrapped up my five weeks of school, finished a belated paper which was due the first night of class. Attended a Listener Appericaion Concert I won tickets from the radio station I listen to, met an old childhood friend of Ch's who also went to the concert, invited back to the couples house for their daughter's senior graduation party from high school.

Jr. graduated from the 8th grade he will be a freshmen in high school I'll get pictures posted of the graduation sometime tonigh, we worked hard to get him to pass the eighth grade, I had to negotiate with the teachers in finding work that was suitable for Jr. to learn his reading skills, writing skills, and his short and long term memory seem to have the best of him.

I went as far as telling his history teacher he either modifies the work or I was going to take some legal matters against him and his way of teaching, instead I let him get away with murder he modified my son's work for one week then he fell back into his old pattern if you can't do the work you failed history. The other teachers got him to pass their classes so one failing grade did not pervent my son to not participate in his 8th grade graduation.

I cried during the slide show I can't believe how much he has grown, C was there he was driven down from Castro Valley to watch his brother graduate from 8Th grade; he stayed with us until Sunday afternoon then I took him back Sunday afternoon. Ch took C out to breakfast, I had to work turned out I ended up on call for work Friday, work hasn't been that busy.

But at least I got to spend time with C, he was glad mom didn't have to work. Had the family over for dinner on Friday. Then Saturday we traveled down to Mantica for childhood's daughter's graduation party, the boys had a blast the pool was very cold. C did not mind the water being cold he was in the pool more than out of it.

I'm also due for an operation my gallbladder has decided to act up, I was in the emergency room two days straight once on Friday and Saturday of memorial day weekend; I was pretty drugged up on some heavy duty pain killers. I've seen a surgeon he's sending me in for another test on July 16Th, no eating or drinking after 7 p.m. on the 15Th I have that to look forward to as long as they get me in for surgery before I return back to school I will be pleased.

Speaking of school I'm taking a month off, we're going on vacation starting on Father's Day and returning on June 27Th, taking the boys to Monterey for two days then heading down to Disneyland for three days then driving home on Saturday. This should be an interesting family vacation. Ch's parents are meeting us in Anahemim at their time share that's not far from Disney land. I would rather spend a week in Monterey, I'm not a city person this will be an interesting vacation.

Having a gallbladder that is acting up is not something to play around with, I'm taking a big risk of riding the rides and driving down there. I'm on a low fat diet, I'm working with a nutritionist
She's got me on a low fat milk, lots of friuts and veggies, I can have very little red meat, lots of chicken and pork no greasy foods. And more workout, thank god I got a bike from my in-laws, Jr has begged me to ride bikes with him so starting tomorrow evening I will be out riding with him. He's happy mom is taking a small break from school.

I've got two more years left, Ch will be glad that I'm half way there. I'm kind of enjoying school at the moment I'm happy for the break I'm taking it won't ruin my financial aid, more or less it will help it.

Tomorrow I'm meeting mom-in-law at her beauty parlor Ch just sprang it on me tonight saying I'm to meet her at 1:00 p.m. to get my hair styled, nails done and feet pedicured I've never had any of this done except for my eye brows and my hair cut, usually I do my own feet they are sooo dried I know TMI I could not help myself. :)

Oh before I forget C is not coming home this month, he will be coming home in about six months to a year. He's had an issue with another boy in the house that he is living in I can't go into much of the details, but he is doing much better than he has been.

I'm not ready to share what happened, we have not told ch's parents, all I ask is continue prayers would be helpful. And all the dads out there

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Greetings

Just a quick hello to my blogging friends, if any of you are still around. Every one is doing good, we had our counseling session with C today. We found out he will not be returning home next month, his behaviors have increased since his last visit before Mothers Day weekend.

Everyone on the team feel releasing him next month would not benefit him, rather it could cause him to return to treatment once he is released. C will continue to be monitored and worked with, and his next release date is six months from now, in that time if he does not improve he will remain there until May 2010.

Our hope and prayers C will be able to show improvement within the next six months, or even longer depends on C. We can support C in conseling and home visits, and guiding C to do better, in the meantime I'm back in school for one month and then taking a leave of absence from school.

Jr. is graduating from the 8Th grade in just a few short weeks, three weeks after school lets out we are taking the family to Disney Land, we are vacationing with my in-laws at their time share near Disney Land. I'm not sure if I should be thrilled about the vacation or to feel humbled over it. I'm sure with prayers and trust in the Lord I will be fine.

Birthday Celabrations

I can't believe I have turned 34 years old this year, where has the time gone? This year we celebrated my birthday at mom and dad in-laws instead of at our house. Dinner was of course chosen by me we went to a Chinese restaurant down on main street, our first time there mom and dad in-laws second or third time, the food was plenty we even brought some home with us. C was with us, he's doing so well. It's amazing what a year can do to a child with his behaviors, he will be coming home sometime in June not sure on a date yet, as soon as we get one I will post it.

Looking back over the past year of what I have accomplished, in the two year of attending school and how much my work has changed. Each week each day brings a new meaning to my life, every obstacle that I have looked at over the last few years I wonder what I would wish for this year; to be honest there wasn't that I wanted or to wish for only for more happiness to enter my world to be able to do my best in every subject that comes my way. I don't believe in giving up nor do I let those who have bashed me over the head to get the best of me, in times I felt like quitting, giving up and not wanting to continue; Then again that would not work for me quitting is not an option that I would take seriously. Perhaps writing how I'm feeling would be better than quitting.

On Sunday evening I received a phone call from my godmother's neighbor she's in the hospital, she fell again. My godmother said she did not fall she fell off of a chair, this is the third time within the last few months she has fallen. On Monday I drove down to the valley by myself, to see her, she is not well. Her skin was Ashien, her breathing was not normal, and she quit eating. Not all good signs. She has been a part of my life for the last 34 years, seeing her in this bad of a shape it's not good, on top of her being in the hospital my sister has seemed to disappear without a trace.

My godmother asked for her, I have no idea where she is or what she is doing, her phone number has been disconnected again. There is no way of getting a hold of her which in turn has pissed me off even more! My brother is due down here in another month, he finally has a reliable auto so he can drive down here.

When I left on Monday evening I was told she would be going into a nursing home, she has always been independent drove herself to church every Sunday until her recent fall, her daughter came down on Monday an hour after I had arrived. She's not the nicest person to be around she was surprise to find me there. She's been in my life as long as I can remember I have every right to be there, my godmother sang at my mother's funeral, she has been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on.


What hurts the most is knowing she may not make to see another birthday, Christmas or any other holiday. She will be moved into a nursing home as soon as her health improves, I don't see that happening any time soon. I have realized she needs to go and be with the Lord she can not live on her own; She lived a good life. If she finds out she will be moved into a nursing home she will not live, she insists on living by herself and continue to drive, when I talked to Nana as I have called her she sounded happy, a little congested nothing serious; she always looked younger than her real age. When I got up to the hospital room I was amazed at how serious Nana's health was. I'm hoping she will pull through until after the Dixon May fair is over, that way I can get back down there to remove my mother's ashes to my home.


May each of us remember the good times we have with our loved ones whether they be old or young. We never know how long we have them for.

The Little Things In Life

It does not matter were you've been or where your going, as long as you have each other that is all that matters. In many cases around the U.S. every one is losing their homes or close to it, in our case that is what is happening. Right before we celebrated our 15Th wedding anniversary that's right I and ch, have been married for that long. It does not feel that we have, we sent the kids over to the in-laws while the two of us had romantic night alone, we don't get to do that very often but at least it was dinner out and private dancing in the living room.

In the midst of our loving home we also have come to grips of losing our home this summer, there is nothing that can be done we've tried to get our payments lowered since Ch took a 500.00 pay cut on February 6Th, Ch has called left messages for one month there was no returned phone calls until the beginning of this month, Ch explained to them that we were not going to fill out the paper work until we had questions answered and then we would send them in. By the way we did send our papers to them after a third attempt of getting an address from them, and then a few weeks ago we found out that they have decided not to approve us a new loan.

We talked to Ch's parents since we bought the house from them and told them we're letting the house go, it's not our faults that the governor decided to give my husband a 10% pay cut we didn't ask for cut wages because the state of Cali can't control it's spending on their top congressmen and women they rather take it from the little guys and not care about the ones who make a good living. Who cares about state workers such as California Department of Transportation make or give their lives to pave the states highways, to hell with them was the governor's thinking let them suffer.

Thanks to the Governor we will be losing our house sometime in the 6 months, we are looking for a house to rent, pay off our credit cards and my suv. And then we will try in about 2 years to buy a house, there is nothing any one can do, we have refused help from his parents because we will not be able to pay them back. In truth Ch is bringing home about a thousand dollars per month if that. We have been in tougher situations, we always seem to get through them; Even with my job it's not enough for a house payment. It's enough to get us through from payday to payday, I haven't told my brother, or my sister and differently not saying a word to my godmother she's 94 years old she doesn't need to worry about me. At least I have my faith, job, school and my family to get me through my toughest times.

We have looked at other options, such as finding another job even that is hard to come by with the economy has left this state in a critical point of bankruptcy, even the City of Rio Vista has filed for bankruptcy, we found that out in January of this year. It's bad every where, newly built houses stand empty, waiting for a turn around, school teachers getting pink slips because not enough students to keep them and our school district is slowly running out of money. We have tried everything, we've talked to our loan company, they give us the run around, I even explained to them that I've watched them closely they were World Wide Savings, from that name they are called Wochivia now they are under Wells Fargo bank, my mother in law says good luck with getting a lowered payment since they never approved both parents for one, nor does the bank allow half payments, it better be in full or else.

I can not hate any one nor do I blame myself for what has happening, we can only move forward and brave the elements that is before us. We take one day at a time and pray for the best, I must remain hopeful that this too shall pass, I put my trust in the Lord he will see us through these tough times. I can not let my my anger get the best of me, I have cried silently, screamed silently, poured my heart out to god.

There is nothing that anyone can do I will write in between classes, and family outings. Oh by the way if any of you have an i-max theater around I suggest checking out Under the Sea in 3-D it's a cool movie, my in-laws paid for all of us to go, I and Ch didn't pay for anything. We needed a break from every thing and everyone.

AAARRRRGGGG!

It's one thing to step from three months of math,then winding up in a critical writing class! It just bugs me that I can not compose something that I'm happy with. Don't get me wrong writing is suppose to be therapeutic it allows my emotions to flow, when it comes to writing in class which deals with case studies forget it! I'm horrible, I hate be criticized about my writing because it makes me feel uncomfortable, unhappy and miserable. I'm beating myself up over a paper that needs help, I have to change it, to make shorter.

Any suggestions on how I should rewrite a In-Class Practice-Case Study Analysis? Right now I'm stressed and overwhelmed with this assignment. I'll go ahead and thank you all for responding.

Tough Times

In other words I haven't been to work since last Friday, stayed home for the last two days; Cetching up on house work and home work which is much better than spending the last three months in math by the way I passed with a D- and do I even care Hell NO!! What matters is having a diploma in my hands in saying goodbye to massage until I can get on my feet.

Which is not going well Massage Envy went bankrupt about a month ago in Sacramento, so my supervisors expects us to close at hundred memberships to make up for the 45 members we have lost which is $50.00 of my pay. Which can't be helped because Cali just furloughed all state workers on Feb 6,09 that's right folks my loving husband is one of them. And now it's resting on me because we are short on making our house payment, for next month; there is not a damn thing I can do but to keep praying that this will be over soon. By the looks of it were stuck, between a wall and a rock, both boys were recently told we're not making tons of trips to the store we're not going out to dinner, that has been cut from our budget. School supplies will have to wait until next fall.

Except for the shoes for the Jr. since he needs a pair, any money that bring home will have to be saved for three trips over to San Leandro, by the way C is doing very well 180 turn around since he's been away almost a year come April 22nd he's come a long ways, his tempers have decreased his hitting has decreased and so has other behavioral issues have since decreased. We are setting up new rules for the family and a new rewards system. His return home sometime in June, I don't want him home without the proper schooling that he needs in mainting his current grade which is 1st and 2nd grade level, he's gotten ahead of most kids in the school district that I live in.

Jr is doing his 2nd year of 4-h, another goat was picked by him. He recently broke his ankle at school didn't tell the teachers only his friends, by the time I arrived home from work, his foot was swollen he couldn't put a shoe on it. Had to wait until the following day to make sure the foot was xrayed. Come to find out he chipped a bone in his foot from a previous break which never healed then he fell in ward broke his ankle on the growth plate. Six weeks of having a cast on was too much for him to handle. He's still out of particpating in p.e. until the 9th of March, it's still swollen debating on taking him back in again. Just make sure it did heal correctly, he's grown so much he's taller than me.

Ch is still working nights there is no change, his depression comes and goes. His doctor upped his appointments to twice a month to see if that will help, at this point in the game we'll take anything.

As for me having hot flashes some months worse than others, I have to watch what I eat, trying to lose 20 pounds that I've gained. Believe me it's a bitch to take off! My mother in law has given me some books to read, I can't think of the authors when I get a chance I'll post them, I'm back to receiving massages once again, my migraines have returned, the doctor has said there is no family history of headaches except for high blood pressure, diabetes, my mother passed away with high blood pressure and being overweight.

Life goes on as long as I maintain regular exercise routine and staying away from mid afternoon snacks the one's that like to sneak up on you after lunch and dinner. Yep that's were I'm having the trouble, the mid afternoon snack attack, any ideas just send them my way.

It's great to be able to post when I can, I'll be back to include some family high lights, that happened over the last few months. In the meantime keep your chin up, because someone out there has it a lot worse than you do.

In many ways I'm happy to be starting a new year, with so much that has happened in the past year; I'm ready for a new beginning, new dreams, and goals to accomplish. Like many I've ferreted over the economy have watched my paychecks decline, along with clients who have cancelled their memberships have kept my fingers crossed for a incline in clients with gift cards which seemed to be a hot seller for Christmas. And yet my tips have been less than $100.00; My only option right now and praying for a miracle that I can pass the test for a school district. I have one more chance to pass the math portion of it and I'm in, which means I will not have to worry over clients leaving, I won't have to worry about getting hit or coming across an accident. Watching a medic chopper land in a farmers field while the children of the driver watch their mother being flown to the hospital. If I had a stuff animal or two with me I would have given them to the contractor without a second thought; and yes I look at these as signs, my commuting has taken a toll on me. I have to keep a opened mind, heart and spiritually confident that I will achieve a math test that will get me a better job.

I can not stand the fact that I may end up losing my home, my suv and my schooling, I have made a big mistake and that was going to school to become a massage therapist that has failed to bring enough of a paycheck to keep my family afloat, I have looked for a job there is nothing out there that will accept someone who has no experience in business or accounting. What is left is going to bow down to a McDonald's type of work which is the last thing I want to do, I have no intentions of bowing down to a business that I have no confidence in. I and Ch ended up borrowing money from his parents because the tires on my suv, were so bad that they could not wait until our income tax return comes in. I have cut back in spending, it's gotten to the point were I forget to take a lunch to work because I'm having nightmares and can not sleep. I have to change this habit of hitting the snooze button after 5:45 a.m. and get up to get my body ready for the day.

As for resolutions I made none, not one did I make. There is too much that I need to focus on, most of them would fall into the cracks and where would I be? How would I feel if I had let one of those resolutions slip through my hands!?! Right now I have to maintain a positive outlook I have to remain in school so I can undo the mistakes that I have made, to look at the positive side of what is important. I have one goal in mind and that is to go to Hawaii since we have missed three family trips in three different years, to the Islands that have a powerful spiritual bond with the seas. Not to mention a trip to the Virgin Islands my in-laws would like to take us there; I know it will take some time in doing, I know what I have to do first and that is to make it through school and to make it through a school district test.

In closing this long post of what not, I will leave you with this

It is God to whom and with when we
travel, and while He is the End of our
journey, He is also at every stopping place.

-Elisabeth Elliot

Praise and Thanksgiving

I was given this to read on Monday at my women's bible study class, I wish every one of you a wonderful Thanksgiving.

O my God,
Thou fairest, greatest, first of all objects,
my heart admires, adores, loves thee,
for my little vessel is as full as it can be,
and I would pour out all the fullness before thee in ceaseless flow.
When I think upon and converse with thee
ten thousand delightful thoughts spring up,
then thousand refreshing joys spread over my heart,
crowding into every moment of happiness.
I bless thee for the soul thou hast created,
for adoring it, sanctifying it,
though it is fixed in barren soil;
for the body thou hast given me,
for preserving its strength and vigour,
for porviding senses to enjoy delights,
for the ease and freedom of my limbs,
for hands, eyes,ears that do my bidding;
for thy royal bounty providing my daily support,
for a full table and overflowing cup,
for appetite, taste, sweetness,
for social joys of relatives and friends,
for ability to serve others,
for a heart that feels sorrows and nesessities,
for a mind to care for my fellow-men,
for opportunities of spreading happiness around,
for loved ones in the joys of heaven,
for my own expectation of seeing thee clearly,
I love thee above the powers of language to express,
for what thou art to thy creatures.
Increase my love, O my God, through time and eternity.

Happy 3rd Year of Blogging

I have come to realize the many changes that have to my blogging space, I've shed tears lead my readers to my favorites family spots; Dealt with family issues that have come up. Just recently posted questions to math problems that had my head hurting, looking back I find myself in awe in how much time has passed, and broken hearts do mend; and forgiveness makes a stronger marriage. Falling back in love with my husband, after many years of turmoil and hurt. J's. may not be blogging due to working nights since Sept 10Th I believe, he was on days for 2 months then officially went back to working nights because other guy was too lazy and hated working nights so he put in a transfer to another district, there was plenty of supervisors who did not like the way he worked nor did he turn in over time pay into the office so the p.i.'s would get paid for working the bridges or faeries. It was my loss J'sr gain and a happy crew, he gets Friday nights and Saturdays off and returns to work on Sunday night. His only draw back J Jr. is learning how to cook! By the way he's now 14 yrs old, and bugging the living hell out of both us to teach him to drive, not happening any time soon. So Jr. is having to figure out what to have for dinner, poor kid so far it's mac cheese and hot dogs or polish sausages, hamburgers on the George foreman grill. Other times if I think of it I usually plan a dinner for the both of them, at least I know he's trying.

Jr. has found a love for the cooking show I'm not sure what channel that's on, he's pretty good a channel surfing found it out of board, he's learned to check in with our neighbor's that live two houses down from us, since mom is at school and dad comes home for dinner then leaves He's also found a new comedy to watch; I shouldn't say new it's a bunch of reruns of Home Improvement. He asked one night why don't they make the show any more? For one it was one when I was your age! You know you've just wished you hadn't said that part! It's not the age you look at it's how you feel from the inside out. Sure I've gained a few pounds and the weight it's slowly coming off; then again you realized your child is now watching programs of simpler times. When laughter was made for television and you didn't have so much violence and other stuff, and the 1990's were good; Jr. is once again enrolled into his second year of 4-h, he's looking forward in getting another goat, we talked about doing two fairs in the spring the three of us sat down and talked about it which didn't go over too well with Jr. taking into consideration it gets extremely hot in Vallejo, unless mother nature works with you and get a remarkable cool temps. Also we're planning a trip to Disney land two weeks after school lets out, if Jr. can keep his grades above the failing mark.

C by the way is 8 yrs old I'll have to post pics of his 8Th birthday along with Jr's. Jr was very disappointed that C couldn't be there for his birthday, C did come down for the Bass Derby for an all day visit, there was only one point where we thought he was going to have to leave early C turned it around and refocused he did pretty good. His counselor that works with C is from the Islands of Hawaii, I won't reveal his name I'll just give you his first letter in his name T. Him and C make a great team, they both have come respect each other, and pretty much knows what the other likes. Just recently our supervised visits just ended and the weekend we were to start having some family visits without T being there. That didn't happen, C went into a temper and couldn't regain his self control, our entire day was a complete loss. So they called us 20 miles away from our meeting place, needless to say it was a trip that didn't go over well with any of us. We attend family sessions every Thursday, except when the family counselor is on beeper we do not meet for another two weeks. As for Halloween we went up to my sister-in-laws place for dinner, she thought it would be best for the three of us. That way we wouldn't be in a line of fire of families with their children; She got married on the 1st of this month C was the ring barer.
I'll explain the details of that story at a latter date.

With so much going on it is hard to believe C is still away, each room has changed; each day for C is a new beginning. C will be here for Thanksgiving, until the evening hours T will then drive from C.V. to pick up C, we're hoping by X-mas he will have a sleep over with us. We're not pushing we are guiding and mentoring C, the biggest change C has experienced was setting the table on Saturday's home visit, he learned that things have changed he's going to have chores here just like at the house that he his living in. And we're not backing down on the new and safe ways C has learned. Each level that C has accomplished a higher goal is placed in front of him, he may not like it at first but it will get him to understand more of his potential growth in living with occupational defiance disorder, he borderlines with bipolar. C is now in the 2ND grade, Jr. will be graduating from the 8Th grade. I may have one son here and another away there is not a day that goes by that I don't pray for each of my family, from J sr. to C and for me to get through my second year of school. I'm proud of the family we have become may god continue to bless each of us in the years to come.

Here's to another year!

Does any one know....

I'm going out on limb here, but since I've been looking for a math tutor on line for the last 5 weeks of Algebra it's starting to get on my nerves, it's one thing to return to school, it's a whole different ball game when you haven't had math since high school. I'm struggling with algebra, and I have no idea how to learn math, with out my husband's help, as long as he can guide me through it. There are several problems that neither one of us can figure out. He's a lot better in math than I am and so I've gone to him for most of my problems, this time around neither one of us can figure how to do the math problems.

My on line tutoring through my student web site will not help me with take home quizzes they will help with home work problems as long as you don't get someone who is not willing to show you how to input your work. I have tried several web sites and none come close to what I'm needing, if any of my readers know some great math teachers please send them my way I'm in need of someone who is willing to give me a helping hand. I'm willing to learn math as long as the other person doesn't make me feel worse about myself, I'm doubting myself in learning math, I know I'm not good at it. But at the same time I understand, it's one of many subjects that I need to learn.

So here's a few of my math questions if any bright person who understands math please post your answers in my comment box I'll retrieve them after I get home from work.

2-3(q-1)=10-(q-1)

x x
- + - = 20
2 3


3z 2z
- - - = 10
2 3
By the time I'm done getting together with a former class mate of mine, she will have shown me how to do this kind of work, once I master the next five weeks of math I'm sure, the rest will be a breeze. Thank you for coming by and helping a student in math.

Signs Of Autumn

The dog days of summer have finally come to a close, most of us are looking forward to the Autumn days of racking leaves in a pile and children jumping into them; giggling and laughing pretending there is not a care in the world, just a having a bit of fun before the weather turns colder. While most will be cleaning the gutters and winter proofing the windows before the first frost; the carving of Jack-o-lanterns on the kitchen table. The smell of Autumn flavor on the kitchen stove, the smell of soups and backed goods freshly made rolls as by passers take in the smells of Autumn. Freshly baked apple pies sitting on the counter, ready for dessert after dinner topped with home made whipped cream; Pumpkin pies are made and frozen to be used a later date.

Ah yes the signs of Autumn are once again upon us, the changing color of leaves, all in peak of color reds, yellows, oranges, and browns. dotting the landscape each tree a different color, and no two leaves are alike; birds nest abandon inner twined in tree branches. Left behind until warmer weather returns. The findings of unwanted guests in the garage eating the cat's food, laying curled up in a ball, five feet from the garage steps. Realizing an opossum has decided to call the garage home, the making of Summer ending; the returning of Autumn all dressed it's beauty.

Will have some of us to wonder how does mother nature does it? Puts on a show of Autumn colors for us to enjoy and the unwanted, untamed animals that decide to crawl in from the outside looking for a warm place to hide. And once again that damn opossum is still in my garage! Of course I politely asked CH to kill with one of his guns, he gave me a dirty look since we live in city limits it could not be done. Alas that unwanted opossum went in hiding since the lights were on my laundry sat in the washer over night while the opossum staked it's claim. Leaving enough space between the garage door and the concrete for the unwanted guest, hoping opossum would leave the premises, finds its way back to nature.


My fond memories of this time of year, without a drop of rain to be had. We are still in a red flag warning too much wind, and dry grass makes it for a bad sign, cooler temperatures may have arrived not enough to keep the red flag warning away.

For the last five weeks I have been stuck in psychology class, that explains part of the reason why I haven't been able to come by and update my blog. The other reason J started school a week ago today, that was a hard pill to swallow I am now raising an 8th grader! Not to mention Ch and J just finished painting his room and got it all stylished in teenage boy gear. A 37 inch television with no cable or dish network, a play station that plays both dvd's and his games, none the less his grandfather made the shelf, ch blew up his cordless drill while putting together the shelf. There is nothing like the smell of a burned cordless drill, and yes it did smell up the entire house, J comes running out to meet me after I came home from work. He couldn't wait tell me, his exact words. Hey mom guess what? what dad burned up his drill, Oh god not the new one! Oh no it's the cordless, me thinks an x-mas list is already beginning.

It's one of things that was bound to happen, I knew this day would come toys of yesterday are gone, have been replaced with teenage gear. A mix bag of emotions have set in, neither good or bad yet they are there, C has not started school yet which is kind of good then again the first day of school was emotionally draining, J got his picture taken in front of the blooming roses. Then I drove him to school by way of the elementary school where C would have been attending; It was not easy task for me but I knew driving J to school would some how help, alas it did not made things worse. I dropped J off at school, came home made breakfast then took two bites threw the rest away. The tears came as I tried to hold them back, they say the first two weeks are the worse for any parent who is going through this kind of change.

I have returned to my Ladies Monday Night bible study, I'm no longer baby sitting I was given a three weeks notice. My friends oldest daughter tried to commit suicide again, this time with a bottle of Excedrin, she did not succeed. Her mother had no other choice but to quit her job and move her family out of town, I'm praying they all get the help they need. She has moved in with her sister. Her middle daughter thinks they will be back in a year, I'm assuming she will not be returning within the year. I did talk with her aunt who would have been C's teacher, she did not know the full details of why they were moving until I told her. To say the least she is praying they stay away too. I know it sounds so mean but returning here would not be the solution to their problems even though they have family and friends here, they need a fresh start giving the situation. If oldest daughter does not get the correct help she needs she will find a way of committing suicide she has tried three times as I have been told. So far she has been blessed not take her life. She is 14 years of age, in this day in age young girls have a image to hold up.

This past weekend we took J up to the state fair we needed to get out of town, with every thing we have been through; J needed some good old time fun. Ch's parents went with us, they just celebrated their 39Th wedding Anni on Friday they took all of us out for dinner on the delta as usual the food and the view was relaxing, having a waterfront restaurant near our home priceless. The was a little on the warm side, at least it wasn't hot as it was last year; only in the upper 90's. Ch's parents left about 5:00 p.m. we stayed until the fire works were done, even though it was a long day it was well worth the trip. By the time we got home it was 15 minutes to midnight, and we still had a visit with C the next morning needless to say my weekend was very tiring. I haven't been able blog or be in bed by midnight, home work had taken up most of my time which by the way I received a B+ in Psychology; I'm very proud of myself for taking the time in doing the work and succeeding my expectations in school.

My next class is biology oh fun! I still have to buy the book that I need, which will have to wait until tomorrow since I get paid I have to say it's a blessing I don't have any home work that is due the first night of class I would be in a pickle jar! I don't like being without reading material or not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing in class. I like to stay ahead of myself, and be on top of my work I'm praying that I can maintain my grades above a C anything lower I don't think I could handle that. You live, love and laugh, no matter how bad life may seem. I've done all that and more.

J is getting four teeth pulled next week, and braces will be a week later. Ch's mother is paying for the dental work since neither one of us can afford it, by the time I would have found a better paying job, J's teeth would be in worse shape then they are right now. I'm blessed that Ch's mother is able to pay for them she works at a decent paying job after a year of retiring from Cal-Trans. She told she would help pay for them, thank God she is! We would not be able to afford the dental work that involves braces and teeth pulling.

It will be painful for J there is no lie in that, I have to pick up his pain relieving meds tomorrow after work, Ch is taking the morning off to take J in for his teeth pulling. I will be at work when that takes place since I'm taking Monday the 1st off. There is no need for both of us to be off at the same time, unless by some chance work doesn't need me. Depends on the month and the week.

I'm starting to fall asleep here at my computer I wanted to give my readers something. I hope I have a few out there. Good Night.

Love Bears All Things

After much thought I believe I have the courage to reveal what happened at our family counseling meeting with C's therapist in Castro Valley in other words Hayward Ca. not too far from S.F. for us it's just another city grown too quickly, for me the words sunk in, for Ch they have not! For those who have read us from the beginning knows how Ch can get when things don't look so good, in other posts he wrote about his dark moods that get the best of him. On Wednesday July 16th we got the dreaded news C will not be coming home this fall, he will be staying on in San Leandro for remainder of this year into next April 22nd 2009. We are often faced with challenges yet this was one that neither I or Ch were prepared for, we haven't told J his little brother will be staying away until next spring. C will have the chance of coming home for visits when he is able to control his moods and is able to handle himself in a safe manor, he will be home for Thanksgiving, Christmas and his aunts wedding on the 1st of November.

We will have to return him back the following day, he may have outings with us then we return C at the appointed time. After hearing this Ch shut down I could feel him move away as I was holding his hand. I pressed mine into his letting him know you can not shut down on me now!! We need each other don't do this to me. Yet he was gone I could feel his numbness his mind gaping over what was being said, his son our last will not be home this fall. We fought to have C placed to get the help he needs. In some ways I'm blessed it's happening now and not when C has hit his teenage years, when it's too late to help him. C is greatly missed by every one, for the longest time I could not walk into his room Ch and J have repainted it the holes in the walls will be worked on another time. C will move into the smaller room with the captains bed that J has grown out of. C will take the smaller room, I would like to get C's old room painted before he returns home Ch hasn't said if we will.

This week has been a struggle of accepting the news, parents are to be strong no matter how tough the situation is. When children have struggles and their only way of handling things is by behavioral issues what is a parent to do? I found myself holding onto prayer finding myself in a place that I did not know existed. Yet God said let there be light, and there was light amongst the darkest part of our turmoil accepting this news.

How the Hell do you tell his older brother that your little brother isn't coming home!?! His needs are much more complicated than what is first thought. C has to stay where he is until he knows how to be safe around others and to himself. In the back of Ch's mind how the hell did this happen? How does a father cope of knowing that his little boy the last of our children will be away from us until next spring. I believe God has a plan for C and what ever that plan is, God will see us through it. I'm grateful for every thing that has happened in the past year, I'm happy I didn't close this down, this is much safer than having a journal laying around where J can read it.

July is not the easiest month from me, 5 yrs ago on July 12th I lost my mother. Now we are faced with C being away from home until next April. We will continue family therapy in Castro Valley and family visits whenever possible. J starts school on August 20th, I will not be there for C's first day of school or to take him for his hair cuts, or any other motherly duty.

The tears have come slowly, I wipe them away my heart is broken. I have to be strong for Ch and J they need me, and I need to cry softly so not to wake up J. This is all for now.

Hello

Just a quick hello from me to you, I'm here been on vacation and dealt with a low blow to the belt line in the mean time I'm going to finish all of my homework before Sunday, unless computer grimlines decide to hijack my computer or some unexpected crap happens in the mean time keep us in your thoughts and prayers as soon as I get caught up on home work there is going to be some posts that I will be needing some positive feed back on.

...And The Fun Begins!!

It's one thing to have been a teenager, and another to have a teenager pick the wrong topic to discuss. Since I've had one dose of schooling under my belt let's do another, this time the topic is not Massage therapy this goes beyond Massage Therapy. One that most of us out there know picking a fight with your mother or father your gonna end up losing in the end. My oldest has been good up until he tried an energy drink and now he thinks it's the best thing since the invention of the Chocolate Chip Cookie! Sorry to say he thought it would be great subject to discuss, turns out to be one hell of a science lesson in drinks! During his time that Dixon May Fair his friends got him to try an energy drink during his week stay at the fair. Telling J they not good for you because you don't know what they are putting in those drinks, and whining because his friends have tried them before! To say the least the energy drink talk once again resurfaced, and this time I was not going to run to the nearest store to get him one knowing full well they can do more harm than good.

By the time we got into the drive way I almost rammed the back end of my suv right into Ch's parked Toyota pickup not to mention the garage, because J had decided to pick a fucking fight over energy drinks! I don't give a damn if other kids are drinking them what I care about is his health. Talk about a big argument right in front of the neighbors, doors were slammed one kid sent to his room and the cell is once again being turned off for one day! If he thinks he's going to bring this subject again there will be one less cell phone to worry about. Since this was a hot debate during my first time in school and I pretty much knew energy drinks was already been given a bad name. Partly because of the sugar content they carry and the herbal content they contain, the fda was not sure if herbals were a drug or used in remedies.

To me this fad will eventually fade, or someone is going to end up suing the beverage company because someone over dosed on their energy drinks. Or one of these beverage companies will end up putting an ingredient that does not belong in the mix, what am I to know I'm just another parent that has concerns of J's well being, fire me then I don't care.

Of course J knew he should have kept his mouth shut over it, he knew how I and his father feel about energy drinks yet the brat thought he could get me to buy him some on payday. Turned out he ended up with his foot in his mouth! J also has a little bit of asthma going on I haven't looked up the side affects of asthma with energy drinks I'm not taking my chances either. Since the air quality has been in the unhealthy range because 1,000 fires have been burning, going outside this past week put a dapper on using the pool. J had called me earlier this week asking me to buy him an energy drink because he was tired of drinking water and soda, I told him to look outside and tell me if he needed one! He would complain because he was tired in the mornings and needed a pick me up. Give me a break!! You just barely got out of school on June 13th and now your complaining you can't stay awake because your board. I swear next year J is either returning to summer school! Or he's being shipped to the nearest camp! I'm not going through this again.

So after we both cooled off, he came out and apologized to me for arguing with me over energy drinks, I showed him a few articles on why young kids his age should not be drinking energy drinks. Points given tonight Mother -1 J - 0, I know the fun has just begun Lord help us all!
If he can stew over a subject this long, I hate to see how he can handle one that has more of a punch to it. We really need to start thinking about sending him off to Christian youth camps, for the next five years.

If you have any funny stories, or any advice that has a good meaning to them feel free to share.
By the way I want to say a Fare Well to a good blogger friend DH, he's decided to leave I wish him the best of luck and continuous prayers for his journey. Thank you for showing me kindness during I and Ch's first years in blog land, Good Luck to you.

Here We Go Again

As many of you know I've had some health issues and some have been easy to treat, some caused me to out of work for two months. Just as I think that I'm going to find a great diet to lose some weight that I have gained in the last year, I thought it's a good idea to have my i.u.d checked. So I made my appointment went to my doctor who I just love and she checked me out had a yest infection (sorry guys) I know that is so gross! After explaining to my obgyn that my libido has taken a nose dive, I'm tired all the time I can be up from 5:00 to 7:00 a.m. ready to start my day by the time I get to work I'm tired I want to take a nap, so fighting to stay awake. I explained to my her that my libido has dropped drastically, this bad I'm not one to complain that I'm extremely tired, or my head hurts I'm achy all over. For some women that's fine and dandy for me hell I want to play, I want to be loved, when your feeling exhausted and there is nothing you can do then something is wrong. So my obgyn sends me down to the to get some blood work done, if your like me who can not handle a needle I feel for you I really do, so I get my blood drawn. About two weeks go by there has not been a report about my blood work. I called the advice nurse she tells me every thing came out fine my blood work is normal.

Nurse: Yes Mrs. R your blood work is fine there were no abnormalities to it.

Me: I do not believe it, so why am I still feeling tired?

Nurse: maybe you need to come back in again,

Me: You've got to be kidding me, do me a favor since your so good at your job send a message to my obgyn here's my cell number, tell my doctor to call me.

Nurse: I have two doctors

Me: my obygn please send her the message to have her call me.

Even a nurse could not tell me if my blood work was anything wrong, on Monday my obgyn calls me on my way home from work, tells me that my blood work is in fact abnormal, my thyroid glad is now acting up on top of the hot flashes that I have been experiencing, abnormal menstrual cycles have been giving us a hell! Not to mention that I'm extremely tired, guess what ladies we all carry the hormone testosterone in our bodies! Last year I was at 189 pounds this year I'm down to 180. We did discuss my weight issues, and not to mention that a piece of the puzzle that has been a pain in my ass! My testosterone level is very low, I should be about 81% of where I should be I'm down in the 20% range. That explains the weight gain that I have been having, tiredness and the I'm too tired to make love tonight.

There is a treatment that I will be starting on, I will have to see my obgyn in about 6 to 8 weeks from now to see where my testosterone level is. My obgyn thought it was stress and the issues that we had in the past but since there is no signs of over stressed and my blood pressure is normal remaining the same since I've been with her, that was not the factor this time. We did discuss my weight we're in an agreement that I would watch my portions don't skip meals and continue to work out. That way I remain active, while my hormones go nuts. And here I sit wanting to go to sleep again, I have been awake since 6:00 this morning except hitting the snooze button. Even swimming is not tempting or the laundry which I have to go do. Boy I'm going to feeling it tonight I still have to go to school. I will be fine, I have women's one day in the cupboard I'll take one of those, hopefully that will work.

Ladies here's a known fact hormones are NOTHING to play around with they are what keeps us going, sure they make that time of the month hell for some of us, your craping your tired, your bitchy. They cause Migrain headaches, they make us what we are strong unbeatable women. If you think that something is wrong go and see your doctor before it's too late, get the treaments that are needed. Don't sit there and say well it will go away or, you know I'm just too busy being the mom who drives the kids around, the cook the cleaning lady or the gal that attends bible study on a Monday night.

Here's the point don't wait until it's too late, take a closer look at yourself in the mirror don't put off what you should do today. If there is one positive thing that I know is love yourself as you love others, that makes every thing good. I know I have a lot on my plate, the love that I have for my wellbeing is enough to say you know I will sleep in on the weekends. I'll take that 30 minute time out, do something for yourselves most importantly don't for get that you are still human. Go ahead scream at me for putting a post that should be talked about, if your younger or older than me give me some positive adivce I'm 33 years old and I'm proud of it!

Post below

The post was written on May 27, 2008. As far as I can tell my faithful readers, C is not making much progress as of last Friday the 30th his behaviors has cost him his speech class, he is suppose to have being stated in his I.E.P that speech is part of his school work. When a demand is placed on C he gets mad and starts throwing a fit. C is then taken out of the class room and put in a quiet room on campus. The only progress that has been made on C's part is his math he is almost at grade level whether he continues to learn at his own pace that is up to C, on June 11th we will travel up to where C is staying, I can not begin to tell you what it's like having a child that knows so much but has behaviors that are a mistery to all of us. This all for now will write again soon.

Sorry For The Break

I'm not sure if I have any readers left, nor do I stop by those who regularly read. Too much has been going on since my last post, and with every weekend off I'm planning to update a little more. I finally convinced my supervisor to let me have every Saturday off, instead of working every other Saturday, my school work has consuming my time with the family, but that is the price you pay when you return to school. I have no regrets in returning it has built my self esteem higher than my previous return to school 3 yrs ago; I'm finding this to more informational than I had in high school and some how I'm retaining more than ever before.

My grades are not exactly where I want them to be, at least they are better than I believe they could ever be; I'm happy with them my teacher has much faith in me. Which is a good thing because speaking in front of a group of strangers is not a walk in the park! I get very nervous where my body starts to shake I can feel my face turn red, and my hands start to shake, not a simple task to over come. So in this class I'm learning how to put a speech together and speaking in front of a small group is not so bad, my first night we had to pick an activity out of a hat and talk about it. It was a tad bit nerve racking thank god for a small class! I do not think I would be able to do it in front of a large class of 10.

For the most part I'm loving school, home work can be a breeze if I could have more time on it. That is why I've decided to remove myself from working every other Saturday, to working one Saturday a month. Ch is loving the idea now we can actually do something other than wasting a weekend. I can be more productive with my learning team, this will help tremendously cutting my work hours; my supervisors understands where I'm coming from, her daughter was doing the same thing that I was doing bringing my homework in and working on it during my breaks. I'm pleased she took notice of my school work and has taken me off every Saturday and only work once a month.

As for C we get to see him tomorrow he did call last Friday evening he is missing home, he can not control himself; outings are out of the question at the moment we do not know all the details nor do we know what is really going on with him. We know that he is in need of intense care, he said he is not progressing to a lower level of care, he is still being sent to the quiet room; This is a challenge for C to be away from us. I have not stepped into C's bedroom since he left nor, can I look at his room, it the same as he left it. It is in need of a good vacuuming and a paint job, I just can not bring myself in doing anything with it.

J on the other hand is loving every moment of C being gone, except for his suspension, for fighting. J was protecting himself from the other boy when the teacher saw what was going on, both J and the other boy were sent to the office, J's teacher called me to pester me about getting J to see his counselor before this had taken place, she senced that J was still unhappy with the situation of C being out of the house turns out, that J is not unhappy but getting ticked off with the other kid picking on him. If the teacher had saw that the other kid was the one getting to J, I think she would have a different point of view. The teacher thought that J is the type of kid to start fights he is not, we told the teacher at the I.E.P meeting he is not the type of kid that would start fights, most of the time it's the other kids that have been after J. He's just defending himself.

My neighbors who have known J for a long time know he's not the type of kid to start a fight, I'm sure he would put up a good argument but that is far as he would take it unless the other kid throws the first punch. Since I haven't taught J to fight because of C, having behavioral problems there was no way J was going to be taught self defence lessons We have a month left before C returns home, J has found peace during this difficult transition. Ch often thinks it's not fair having one child here and the other gone. But C needs the help, more than ever.

I will post more as soon as I get a chance, home work has not been easy to accomplish. I have learned a lot since returning to school I feel I have accomplished a great deal in the last 5 months I pray to continue down the road of success.

Children and Pets

This little guy was sold over the weekend, needless to say I had to walk away. I did not have the heart to pet him one more time, knowing he'd be sold for meat. J won a gold fish which died before I had a chance to get food and a small fish tank, ended up replacing the dead gold fish with another beta. Life is just full of surprises J got 7th place for 1st year showmanship the goat got 5th place in market. $500.75 all money from the bank loan will be paid in full. My mother's day was spent at the Dixon May Fair, next year it will be my turn to stay a week.

C did call me to wish me a happy mother's day, our first without him. My 5th without my mum, it was not like last years mother's day nor did it feel like mother's day. C misses home we both cried a little and I haven't had any quiet time this past week too many things going on, between the fair and baby sitting life was a blur.

Birthday's and Other Stuff

The past two weeks have been a blur, Ch along with his family took us to a different restaurant on the Delta the occasion celebrating my 33rd birthday. Yes I did turn 33 not that it was a big deal, we all had a good time. My oldest was a tad bit jealous mom got a bowl of ice cream with a candle, mind you I'm not big on surprises. I knew about the dinner because I would not have minded cooking, for all of us and since Ch has been working nights for the past 1 1/2 years he decided to take me out instead. So the cook got a break, and dinner was served by someone else. Made me feel pretty good. In other events leading up to my birthday, Ch has booked us a room in Reno for next month I will be attending my very first concert! I'm very excited I've never been to a concert and since this is one that I'm sure to enjoy. We're going to see Trac Adkins in concert, I'm very excited and J will be spending the weekend alone with his grandparents.

The final meeting took place on Tuesday the day before my birthday, our trusted advisor was there along with the county, and the program that is involved with C. We got the call late that afternoon letting us know C has been approved for residential care. On Friday I had gotten a call from one of the helpers asking if we had told C about the placement we told them we had not. Ch had already talked them while I was at work, I did not know since my phone is usually off while I'm at work. With the school having an in service day his classmates didn't have a chance to say goodbye, we did not have time to set up a doctors appointment so he could get his vitals read. We had Saturday and Sunday to get every thing cleaned for C, Ch took Monday off since I couldn't get of going to work.

Since it was my birthday weekend my boys wanted to take me out fishing, so we did that instead of attending church. None of my church family members knew what was going to happen, after dropping off the two girls that I baby sit. I stopped over to his former teachers house to let her know what was going to happen on Tuesday morning, and over to my Monday night bible studies teachers house, to let her know what was going on, and why I was not in church. She understood that family outings such as this was more important than attending church, having someone that understands gives me a sense of peace.

On Tuesday morning we drove to Seneca Center, and carpooled down to S.L. to check out the school and the house C will be staying at for the next 90 days is in Castro Valley. We were suppose to check out the school and the house before we left C, since Seneca Center and the school had in services we were not able to check everything out until Tuesday morning. We were impressed on the size of the house they have an actual back yard, six bedroom a nice size kitchen. For two children they have one counselor that is assigned to them. During the transition, C was being taught the rules of the house. Not too much at one time, but at least enough for him to get the concept.

As for us contacting him it will a 30 day grace period they do not want the parents input, unless it is needed. With that in placed I'm pretty much out of the loop of how C is doing at the moment, I can not stress over their rules and regulations that they have in placed. As far as I know from lasts night conversation with Ch, since they did call after I had left for school we are allowed to call after 9:30 p.m. to see how he is doing. Even though I've been pretty good about my peak time calls waiting on the weekends would be better, I do know that we will have to travel back and forth again for counseling. If that does happen I'm will be quitting my job entirely, I can't afford to drive back and forth to work. Since my job did call me last night I doubled, checked this morning there were no appointments for me. Hopefully the job does pick up soon, or many of us will be laid off, if that does happen there will be at least 21 m.t.'s looking for work.

And once more there is quiteness that has settled into the house, I'm praying that whatever happens in the next three months will be very helpful to C. After this program they will let us know what to do next whether it will be a group home or stay with us. After talking with someone yesterday about his behaviors before he went to bed and at school, I wasn't a bit surprised that it did not take C very long to prove what he can do. The counselor did not surprise me one bit on the information she was giving me, I told her that is the way it has been for the past two years any thing he says or does will not shock me. Nor will it put a dapper on my spirit everyone that has worked with C know's what he is capable of doing.

All I ask of my readers is to continue to pray for us, that he will be recieving the help that he needs. C can be hell on wheels and for the first time in months, my living room has not been distroyed.