Praise and Thanksgiving

I was given this to read on Monday at my women's bible study class, I wish every one of you a wonderful Thanksgiving.

O my God,
Thou fairest, greatest, first of all objects,
my heart admires, adores, loves thee,
for my little vessel is as full as it can be,
and I would pour out all the fullness before thee in ceaseless flow.
When I think upon and converse with thee
ten thousand delightful thoughts spring up,
then thousand refreshing joys spread over my heart,
crowding into every moment of happiness.
I bless thee for the soul thou hast created,
for adoring it, sanctifying it,
though it is fixed in barren soil;
for the body thou hast given me,
for preserving its strength and vigour,
for porviding senses to enjoy delights,
for the ease and freedom of my limbs,
for hands, eyes,ears that do my bidding;
for thy royal bounty providing my daily support,
for a full table and overflowing cup,
for appetite, taste, sweetness,
for social joys of relatives and friends,
for ability to serve others,
for a heart that feels sorrows and nesessities,
for a mind to care for my fellow-men,
for opportunities of spreading happiness around,
for loved ones in the joys of heaven,
for my own expectation of seeing thee clearly,
I love thee above the powers of language to express,
for what thou art to thy creatures.
Increase my love, O my God, through time and eternity.

Happy 3rd Year of Blogging

I have come to realize the many changes that have to my blogging space, I've shed tears lead my readers to my favorites family spots; Dealt with family issues that have come up. Just recently posted questions to math problems that had my head hurting, looking back I find myself in awe in how much time has passed, and broken hearts do mend; and forgiveness makes a stronger marriage. Falling back in love with my husband, after many years of turmoil and hurt. J's. may not be blogging due to working nights since Sept 10Th I believe, he was on days for 2 months then officially went back to working nights because other guy was too lazy and hated working nights so he put in a transfer to another district, there was plenty of supervisors who did not like the way he worked nor did he turn in over time pay into the office so the p.i.'s would get paid for working the bridges or faeries. It was my loss J'sr gain and a happy crew, he gets Friday nights and Saturdays off and returns to work on Sunday night. His only draw back J Jr. is learning how to cook! By the way he's now 14 yrs old, and bugging the living hell out of both us to teach him to drive, not happening any time soon. So Jr. is having to figure out what to have for dinner, poor kid so far it's mac cheese and hot dogs or polish sausages, hamburgers on the George foreman grill. Other times if I think of it I usually plan a dinner for the both of them, at least I know he's trying.

Jr. has found a love for the cooking show I'm not sure what channel that's on, he's pretty good a channel surfing found it out of board, he's learned to check in with our neighbor's that live two houses down from us, since mom is at school and dad comes home for dinner then leaves He's also found a new comedy to watch; I shouldn't say new it's a bunch of reruns of Home Improvement. He asked one night why don't they make the show any more? For one it was one when I was your age! You know you've just wished you hadn't said that part! It's not the age you look at it's how you feel from the inside out. Sure I've gained a few pounds and the weight it's slowly coming off; then again you realized your child is now watching programs of simpler times. When laughter was made for television and you didn't have so much violence and other stuff, and the 1990's were good; Jr. is once again enrolled into his second year of 4-h, he's looking forward in getting another goat, we talked about doing two fairs in the spring the three of us sat down and talked about it which didn't go over too well with Jr. taking into consideration it gets extremely hot in Vallejo, unless mother nature works with you and get a remarkable cool temps. Also we're planning a trip to Disney land two weeks after school lets out, if Jr. can keep his grades above the failing mark.

C by the way is 8 yrs old I'll have to post pics of his 8Th birthday along with Jr's. Jr was very disappointed that C couldn't be there for his birthday, C did come down for the Bass Derby for an all day visit, there was only one point where we thought he was going to have to leave early C turned it around and refocused he did pretty good. His counselor that works with C is from the Islands of Hawaii, I won't reveal his name I'll just give you his first letter in his name T. Him and C make a great team, they both have come respect each other, and pretty much knows what the other likes. Just recently our supervised visits just ended and the weekend we were to start having some family visits without T being there. That didn't happen, C went into a temper and couldn't regain his self control, our entire day was a complete loss. So they called us 20 miles away from our meeting place, needless to say it was a trip that didn't go over well with any of us. We attend family sessions every Thursday, except when the family counselor is on beeper we do not meet for another two weeks. As for Halloween we went up to my sister-in-laws place for dinner, she thought it would be best for the three of us. That way we wouldn't be in a line of fire of families with their children; She got married on the 1st of this month C was the ring barer.
I'll explain the details of that story at a latter date.

With so much going on it is hard to believe C is still away, each room has changed; each day for C is a new beginning. C will be here for Thanksgiving, until the evening hours T will then drive from C.V. to pick up C, we're hoping by X-mas he will have a sleep over with us. We're not pushing we are guiding and mentoring C, the biggest change C has experienced was setting the table on Saturday's home visit, he learned that things have changed he's going to have chores here just like at the house that he his living in. And we're not backing down on the new and safe ways C has learned. Each level that C has accomplished a higher goal is placed in front of him, he may not like it at first but it will get him to understand more of his potential growth in living with occupational defiance disorder, he borderlines with bipolar. C is now in the 2ND grade, Jr. will be graduating from the 8Th grade. I may have one son here and another away there is not a day that goes by that I don't pray for each of my family, from J sr. to C and for me to get through my second year of school. I'm proud of the family we have become may god continue to bless each of us in the years to come.

Here's to another year!

Does any one know....

I'm going out on limb here, but since I've been looking for a math tutor on line for the last 5 weeks of Algebra it's starting to get on my nerves, it's one thing to return to school, it's a whole different ball game when you haven't had math since high school. I'm struggling with algebra, and I have no idea how to learn math, with out my husband's help, as long as he can guide me through it. There are several problems that neither one of us can figure out. He's a lot better in math than I am and so I've gone to him for most of my problems, this time around neither one of us can figure how to do the math problems.

My on line tutoring through my student web site will not help me with take home quizzes they will help with home work problems as long as you don't get someone who is not willing to show you how to input your work. I have tried several web sites and none come close to what I'm needing, if any of my readers know some great math teachers please send them my way I'm in need of someone who is willing to give me a helping hand. I'm willing to learn math as long as the other person doesn't make me feel worse about myself, I'm doubting myself in learning math, I know I'm not good at it. But at the same time I understand, it's one of many subjects that I need to learn.

So here's a few of my math questions if any bright person who understands math please post your answers in my comment box I'll retrieve them after I get home from work.

2-3(q-1)=10-(q-1)

x x
- + - = 20
2 3


3z 2z
- - - = 10
2 3
By the time I'm done getting together with a former class mate of mine, she will have shown me how to do this kind of work, once I master the next five weeks of math I'm sure, the rest will be a breeze. Thank you for coming by and helping a student in math.

Signs Of Autumn

The dog days of summer have finally come to a close, most of us are looking forward to the Autumn days of racking leaves in a pile and children jumping into them; giggling and laughing pretending there is not a care in the world, just a having a bit of fun before the weather turns colder. While most will be cleaning the gutters and winter proofing the windows before the first frost; the carving of Jack-o-lanterns on the kitchen table. The smell of Autumn flavor on the kitchen stove, the smell of soups and backed goods freshly made rolls as by passers take in the smells of Autumn. Freshly baked apple pies sitting on the counter, ready for dessert after dinner topped with home made whipped cream; Pumpkin pies are made and frozen to be used a later date.

Ah yes the signs of Autumn are once again upon us, the changing color of leaves, all in peak of color reds, yellows, oranges, and browns. dotting the landscape each tree a different color, and no two leaves are alike; birds nest abandon inner twined in tree branches. Left behind until warmer weather returns. The findings of unwanted guests in the garage eating the cat's food, laying curled up in a ball, five feet from the garage steps. Realizing an opossum has decided to call the garage home, the making of Summer ending; the returning of Autumn all dressed it's beauty.

Will have some of us to wonder how does mother nature does it? Puts on a show of Autumn colors for us to enjoy and the unwanted, untamed animals that decide to crawl in from the outside looking for a warm place to hide. And once again that damn opossum is still in my garage! Of course I politely asked CH to kill with one of his guns, he gave me a dirty look since we live in city limits it could not be done. Alas that unwanted opossum went in hiding since the lights were on my laundry sat in the washer over night while the opossum staked it's claim. Leaving enough space between the garage door and the concrete for the unwanted guest, hoping opossum would leave the premises, finds its way back to nature.


My fond memories of this time of year, without a drop of rain to be had. We are still in a red flag warning too much wind, and dry grass makes it for a bad sign, cooler temperatures may have arrived not enough to keep the red flag warning away.

For the last five weeks I have been stuck in psychology class, that explains part of the reason why I haven't been able to come by and update my blog. The other reason J started school a week ago today, that was a hard pill to swallow I am now raising an 8th grader! Not to mention Ch and J just finished painting his room and got it all stylished in teenage boy gear. A 37 inch television with no cable or dish network, a play station that plays both dvd's and his games, none the less his grandfather made the shelf, ch blew up his cordless drill while putting together the shelf. There is nothing like the smell of a burned cordless drill, and yes it did smell up the entire house, J comes running out to meet me after I came home from work. He couldn't wait tell me, his exact words. Hey mom guess what? what dad burned up his drill, Oh god not the new one! Oh no it's the cordless, me thinks an x-mas list is already beginning.

It's one of things that was bound to happen, I knew this day would come toys of yesterday are gone, have been replaced with teenage gear. A mix bag of emotions have set in, neither good or bad yet they are there, C has not started school yet which is kind of good then again the first day of school was emotionally draining, J got his picture taken in front of the blooming roses. Then I drove him to school by way of the elementary school where C would have been attending; It was not easy task for me but I knew driving J to school would some how help, alas it did not made things worse. I dropped J off at school, came home made breakfast then took two bites threw the rest away. The tears came as I tried to hold them back, they say the first two weeks are the worse for any parent who is going through this kind of change.

I have returned to my Ladies Monday Night bible study, I'm no longer baby sitting I was given a three weeks notice. My friends oldest daughter tried to commit suicide again, this time with a bottle of Excedrin, she did not succeed. Her mother had no other choice but to quit her job and move her family out of town, I'm praying they all get the help they need. She has moved in with her sister. Her middle daughter thinks they will be back in a year, I'm assuming she will not be returning within the year. I did talk with her aunt who would have been C's teacher, she did not know the full details of why they were moving until I told her. To say the least she is praying they stay away too. I know it sounds so mean but returning here would not be the solution to their problems even though they have family and friends here, they need a fresh start giving the situation. If oldest daughter does not get the correct help she needs she will find a way of committing suicide she has tried three times as I have been told. So far she has been blessed not take her life. She is 14 years of age, in this day in age young girls have a image to hold up.

This past weekend we took J up to the state fair we needed to get out of town, with every thing we have been through; J needed some good old time fun. Ch's parents went with us, they just celebrated their 39Th wedding Anni on Friday they took all of us out for dinner on the delta as usual the food and the view was relaxing, having a waterfront restaurant near our home priceless. The was a little on the warm side, at least it wasn't hot as it was last year; only in the upper 90's. Ch's parents left about 5:00 p.m. we stayed until the fire works were done, even though it was a long day it was well worth the trip. By the time we got home it was 15 minutes to midnight, and we still had a visit with C the next morning needless to say my weekend was very tiring. I haven't been able blog or be in bed by midnight, home work had taken up most of my time which by the way I received a B+ in Psychology; I'm very proud of myself for taking the time in doing the work and succeeding my expectations in school.

My next class is biology oh fun! I still have to buy the book that I need, which will have to wait until tomorrow since I get paid I have to say it's a blessing I don't have any home work that is due the first night of class I would be in a pickle jar! I don't like being without reading material or not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing in class. I like to stay ahead of myself, and be on top of my work I'm praying that I can maintain my grades above a C anything lower I don't think I could handle that. You live, love and laugh, no matter how bad life may seem. I've done all that and more.

J is getting four teeth pulled next week, and braces will be a week later. Ch's mother is paying for the dental work since neither one of us can afford it, by the time I would have found a better paying job, J's teeth would be in worse shape then they are right now. I'm blessed that Ch's mother is able to pay for them she works at a decent paying job after a year of retiring from Cal-Trans. She told she would help pay for them, thank God she is! We would not be able to afford the dental work that involves braces and teeth pulling.

It will be painful for J there is no lie in that, I have to pick up his pain relieving meds tomorrow after work, Ch is taking the morning off to take J in for his teeth pulling. I will be at work when that takes place since I'm taking Monday the 1st off. There is no need for both of us to be off at the same time, unless by some chance work doesn't need me. Depends on the month and the week.

I'm starting to fall asleep here at my computer I wanted to give my readers something. I hope I have a few out there. Good Night.

Love Bears All Things

After much thought I believe I have the courage to reveal what happened at our family counseling meeting with C's therapist in Castro Valley in other words Hayward Ca. not too far from S.F. for us it's just another city grown too quickly, for me the words sunk in, for Ch they have not! For those who have read us from the beginning knows how Ch can get when things don't look so good, in other posts he wrote about his dark moods that get the best of him. On Wednesday July 16th we got the dreaded news C will not be coming home this fall, he will be staying on in San Leandro for remainder of this year into next April 22nd 2009. We are often faced with challenges yet this was one that neither I or Ch were prepared for, we haven't told J his little brother will be staying away until next spring. C will have the chance of coming home for visits when he is able to control his moods and is able to handle himself in a safe manor, he will be home for Thanksgiving, Christmas and his aunts wedding on the 1st of November.

We will have to return him back the following day, he may have outings with us then we return C at the appointed time. After hearing this Ch shut down I could feel him move away as I was holding his hand. I pressed mine into his letting him know you can not shut down on me now!! We need each other don't do this to me. Yet he was gone I could feel his numbness his mind gaping over what was being said, his son our last will not be home this fall. We fought to have C placed to get the help he needs. In some ways I'm blessed it's happening now and not when C has hit his teenage years, when it's too late to help him. C is greatly missed by every one, for the longest time I could not walk into his room Ch and J have repainted it the holes in the walls will be worked on another time. C will move into the smaller room with the captains bed that J has grown out of. C will take the smaller room, I would like to get C's old room painted before he returns home Ch hasn't said if we will.

This week has been a struggle of accepting the news, parents are to be strong no matter how tough the situation is. When children have struggles and their only way of handling things is by behavioral issues what is a parent to do? I found myself holding onto prayer finding myself in a place that I did not know existed. Yet God said let there be light, and there was light amongst the darkest part of our turmoil accepting this news.

How the Hell do you tell his older brother that your little brother isn't coming home!?! His needs are much more complicated than what is first thought. C has to stay where he is until he knows how to be safe around others and to himself. In the back of Ch's mind how the hell did this happen? How does a father cope of knowing that his little boy the last of our children will be away from us until next spring. I believe God has a plan for C and what ever that plan is, God will see us through it. I'm grateful for every thing that has happened in the past year, I'm happy I didn't close this down, this is much safer than having a journal laying around where J can read it.

July is not the easiest month from me, 5 yrs ago on July 12th I lost my mother. Now we are faced with C being away from home until next April. We will continue family therapy in Castro Valley and family visits whenever possible. J starts school on August 20th, I will not be there for C's first day of school or to take him for his hair cuts, or any other motherly duty.

The tears have come slowly, I wipe them away my heart is broken. I have to be strong for Ch and J they need me, and I need to cry softly so not to wake up J. This is all for now.

Hello

Just a quick hello from me to you, I'm here been on vacation and dealt with a low blow to the belt line in the mean time I'm going to finish all of my homework before Sunday, unless computer grimlines decide to hijack my computer or some unexpected crap happens in the mean time keep us in your thoughts and prayers as soon as I get caught up on home work there is going to be some posts that I will be needing some positive feed back on.

...And The Fun Begins!!

It's one thing to have been a teenager, and another to have a teenager pick the wrong topic to discuss. Since I've had one dose of schooling under my belt let's do another, this time the topic is not Massage therapy this goes beyond Massage Therapy. One that most of us out there know picking a fight with your mother or father your gonna end up losing in the end. My oldest has been good up until he tried an energy drink and now he thinks it's the best thing since the invention of the Chocolate Chip Cookie! Sorry to say he thought it would be great subject to discuss, turns out to be one hell of a science lesson in drinks! During his time that Dixon May Fair his friends got him to try an energy drink during his week stay at the fair. Telling J they not good for you because you don't know what they are putting in those drinks, and whining because his friends have tried them before! To say the least the energy drink talk once again resurfaced, and this time I was not going to run to the nearest store to get him one knowing full well they can do more harm than good.

By the time we got into the drive way I almost rammed the back end of my suv right into Ch's parked Toyota pickup not to mention the garage, because J had decided to pick a fucking fight over energy drinks! I don't give a damn if other kids are drinking them what I care about is his health. Talk about a big argument right in front of the neighbors, doors were slammed one kid sent to his room and the cell is once again being turned off for one day! If he thinks he's going to bring this subject again there will be one less cell phone to worry about. Since this was a hot debate during my first time in school and I pretty much knew energy drinks was already been given a bad name. Partly because of the sugar content they carry and the herbal content they contain, the fda was not sure if herbals were a drug or used in remedies.

To me this fad will eventually fade, or someone is going to end up suing the beverage company because someone over dosed on their energy drinks. Or one of these beverage companies will end up putting an ingredient that does not belong in the mix, what am I to know I'm just another parent that has concerns of J's well being, fire me then I don't care.

Of course J knew he should have kept his mouth shut over it, he knew how I and his father feel about energy drinks yet the brat thought he could get me to buy him some on payday. Turned out he ended up with his foot in his mouth! J also has a little bit of asthma going on I haven't looked up the side affects of asthma with energy drinks I'm not taking my chances either. Since the air quality has been in the unhealthy range because 1,000 fires have been burning, going outside this past week put a dapper on using the pool. J had called me earlier this week asking me to buy him an energy drink because he was tired of drinking water and soda, I told him to look outside and tell me if he needed one! He would complain because he was tired in the mornings and needed a pick me up. Give me a break!! You just barely got out of school on June 13th and now your complaining you can't stay awake because your board. I swear next year J is either returning to summer school! Or he's being shipped to the nearest camp! I'm not going through this again.

So after we both cooled off, he came out and apologized to me for arguing with me over energy drinks, I showed him a few articles on why young kids his age should not be drinking energy drinks. Points given tonight Mother -1 J - 0, I know the fun has just begun Lord help us all!
If he can stew over a subject this long, I hate to see how he can handle one that has more of a punch to it. We really need to start thinking about sending him off to Christian youth camps, for the next five years.

If you have any funny stories, or any advice that has a good meaning to them feel free to share.
By the way I want to say a Fare Well to a good blogger friend DH, he's decided to leave I wish him the best of luck and continuous prayers for his journey. Thank you for showing me kindness during I and Ch's first years in blog land, Good Luck to you.

Here We Go Again

As many of you know I've had some health issues and some have been easy to treat, some caused me to out of work for two months. Just as I think that I'm going to find a great diet to lose some weight that I have gained in the last year, I thought it's a good idea to have my i.u.d checked. So I made my appointment went to my doctor who I just love and she checked me out had a yest infection (sorry guys) I know that is so gross! After explaining to my obgyn that my libido has taken a nose dive, I'm tired all the time I can be up from 5:00 to 7:00 a.m. ready to start my day by the time I get to work I'm tired I want to take a nap, so fighting to stay awake. I explained to my her that my libido has dropped drastically, this bad I'm not one to complain that I'm extremely tired, or my head hurts I'm achy all over. For some women that's fine and dandy for me hell I want to play, I want to be loved, when your feeling exhausted and there is nothing you can do then something is wrong. So my obgyn sends me down to the to get some blood work done, if your like me who can not handle a needle I feel for you I really do, so I get my blood drawn. About two weeks go by there has not been a report about my blood work. I called the advice nurse she tells me every thing came out fine my blood work is normal.

Nurse: Yes Mrs. R your blood work is fine there were no abnormalities to it.

Me: I do not believe it, so why am I still feeling tired?

Nurse: maybe you need to come back in again,

Me: You've got to be kidding me, do me a favor since your so good at your job send a message to my obgyn here's my cell number, tell my doctor to call me.

Nurse: I have two doctors

Me: my obygn please send her the message to have her call me.

Even a nurse could not tell me if my blood work was anything wrong, on Monday my obgyn calls me on my way home from work, tells me that my blood work is in fact abnormal, my thyroid glad is now acting up on top of the hot flashes that I have been experiencing, abnormal menstrual cycles have been giving us a hell! Not to mention that I'm extremely tired, guess what ladies we all carry the hormone testosterone in our bodies! Last year I was at 189 pounds this year I'm down to 180. We did discuss my weight issues, and not to mention that a piece of the puzzle that has been a pain in my ass! My testosterone level is very low, I should be about 81% of where I should be I'm down in the 20% range. That explains the weight gain that I have been having, tiredness and the I'm too tired to make love tonight.

There is a treatment that I will be starting on, I will have to see my obgyn in about 6 to 8 weeks from now to see where my testosterone level is. My obgyn thought it was stress and the issues that we had in the past but since there is no signs of over stressed and my blood pressure is normal remaining the same since I've been with her, that was not the factor this time. We did discuss my weight we're in an agreement that I would watch my portions don't skip meals and continue to work out. That way I remain active, while my hormones go nuts. And here I sit wanting to go to sleep again, I have been awake since 6:00 this morning except hitting the snooze button. Even swimming is not tempting or the laundry which I have to go do. Boy I'm going to feeling it tonight I still have to go to school. I will be fine, I have women's one day in the cupboard I'll take one of those, hopefully that will work.

Ladies here's a known fact hormones are NOTHING to play around with they are what keeps us going, sure they make that time of the month hell for some of us, your craping your tired, your bitchy. They cause Migrain headaches, they make us what we are strong unbeatable women. If you think that something is wrong go and see your doctor before it's too late, get the treaments that are needed. Don't sit there and say well it will go away or, you know I'm just too busy being the mom who drives the kids around, the cook the cleaning lady or the gal that attends bible study on a Monday night.

Here's the point don't wait until it's too late, take a closer look at yourself in the mirror don't put off what you should do today. If there is one positive thing that I know is love yourself as you love others, that makes every thing good. I know I have a lot on my plate, the love that I have for my wellbeing is enough to say you know I will sleep in on the weekends. I'll take that 30 minute time out, do something for yourselves most importantly don't for get that you are still human. Go ahead scream at me for putting a post that should be talked about, if your younger or older than me give me some positive adivce I'm 33 years old and I'm proud of it!

Post below

The post was written on May 27, 2008. As far as I can tell my faithful readers, C is not making much progress as of last Friday the 30th his behaviors has cost him his speech class, he is suppose to have being stated in his I.E.P that speech is part of his school work. When a demand is placed on C he gets mad and starts throwing a fit. C is then taken out of the class room and put in a quiet room on campus. The only progress that has been made on C's part is his math he is almost at grade level whether he continues to learn at his own pace that is up to C, on June 11th we will travel up to where C is staying, I can not begin to tell you what it's like having a child that knows so much but has behaviors that are a mistery to all of us. This all for now will write again soon.

Sorry For The Break

I'm not sure if I have any readers left, nor do I stop by those who regularly read. Too much has been going on since my last post, and with every weekend off I'm planning to update a little more. I finally convinced my supervisor to let me have every Saturday off, instead of working every other Saturday, my school work has consuming my time with the family, but that is the price you pay when you return to school. I have no regrets in returning it has built my self esteem higher than my previous return to school 3 yrs ago; I'm finding this to more informational than I had in high school and some how I'm retaining more than ever before.

My grades are not exactly where I want them to be, at least they are better than I believe they could ever be; I'm happy with them my teacher has much faith in me. Which is a good thing because speaking in front of a group of strangers is not a walk in the park! I get very nervous where my body starts to shake I can feel my face turn red, and my hands start to shake, not a simple task to over come. So in this class I'm learning how to put a speech together and speaking in front of a small group is not so bad, my first night we had to pick an activity out of a hat and talk about it. It was a tad bit nerve racking thank god for a small class! I do not think I would be able to do it in front of a large class of 10.

For the most part I'm loving school, home work can be a breeze if I could have more time on it. That is why I've decided to remove myself from working every other Saturday, to working one Saturday a month. Ch is loving the idea now we can actually do something other than wasting a weekend. I can be more productive with my learning team, this will help tremendously cutting my work hours; my supervisors understands where I'm coming from, her daughter was doing the same thing that I was doing bringing my homework in and working on it during my breaks. I'm pleased she took notice of my school work and has taken me off every Saturday and only work once a month.

As for C we get to see him tomorrow he did call last Friday evening he is missing home, he can not control himself; outings are out of the question at the moment we do not know all the details nor do we know what is really going on with him. We know that he is in need of intense care, he said he is not progressing to a lower level of care, he is still being sent to the quiet room; This is a challenge for C to be away from us. I have not stepped into C's bedroom since he left nor, can I look at his room, it the same as he left it. It is in need of a good vacuuming and a paint job, I just can not bring myself in doing anything with it.

J on the other hand is loving every moment of C being gone, except for his suspension, for fighting. J was protecting himself from the other boy when the teacher saw what was going on, both J and the other boy were sent to the office, J's teacher called me to pester me about getting J to see his counselor before this had taken place, she senced that J was still unhappy with the situation of C being out of the house turns out, that J is not unhappy but getting ticked off with the other kid picking on him. If the teacher had saw that the other kid was the one getting to J, I think she would have a different point of view. The teacher thought that J is the type of kid to start fights he is not, we told the teacher at the I.E.P meeting he is not the type of kid that would start fights, most of the time it's the other kids that have been after J. He's just defending himself.

My neighbors who have known J for a long time know he's not the type of kid to start a fight, I'm sure he would put up a good argument but that is far as he would take it unless the other kid throws the first punch. Since I haven't taught J to fight because of C, having behavioral problems there was no way J was going to be taught self defence lessons We have a month left before C returns home, J has found peace during this difficult transition. Ch often thinks it's not fair having one child here and the other gone. But C needs the help, more than ever.

I will post more as soon as I get a chance, home work has not been easy to accomplish. I have learned a lot since returning to school I feel I have accomplished a great deal in the last 5 months I pray to continue down the road of success.

Children and Pets

This little guy was sold over the weekend, needless to say I had to walk away. I did not have the heart to pet him one more time, knowing he'd be sold for meat. J won a gold fish which died before I had a chance to get food and a small fish tank, ended up replacing the dead gold fish with another beta. Life is just full of surprises J got 7th place for 1st year showmanship the goat got 5th place in market. $500.75 all money from the bank loan will be paid in full. My mother's day was spent at the Dixon May Fair, next year it will be my turn to stay a week.

C did call me to wish me a happy mother's day, our first without him. My 5th without my mum, it was not like last years mother's day nor did it feel like mother's day. C misses home we both cried a little and I haven't had any quiet time this past week too many things going on, between the fair and baby sitting life was a blur.

Birthday's and Other Stuff

The past two weeks have been a blur, Ch along with his family took us to a different restaurant on the Delta the occasion celebrating my 33rd birthday. Yes I did turn 33 not that it was a big deal, we all had a good time. My oldest was a tad bit jealous mom got a bowl of ice cream with a candle, mind you I'm not big on surprises. I knew about the dinner because I would not have minded cooking, for all of us and since Ch has been working nights for the past 1 1/2 years he decided to take me out instead. So the cook got a break, and dinner was served by someone else. Made me feel pretty good. In other events leading up to my birthday, Ch has booked us a room in Reno for next month I will be attending my very first concert! I'm very excited I've never been to a concert and since this is one that I'm sure to enjoy. We're going to see Trac Adkins in concert, I'm very excited and J will be spending the weekend alone with his grandparents.

The final meeting took place on Tuesday the day before my birthday, our trusted advisor was there along with the county, and the program that is involved with C. We got the call late that afternoon letting us know C has been approved for residential care. On Friday I had gotten a call from one of the helpers asking if we had told C about the placement we told them we had not. Ch had already talked them while I was at work, I did not know since my phone is usually off while I'm at work. With the school having an in service day his classmates didn't have a chance to say goodbye, we did not have time to set up a doctors appointment so he could get his vitals read. We had Saturday and Sunday to get every thing cleaned for C, Ch took Monday off since I couldn't get of going to work.

Since it was my birthday weekend my boys wanted to take me out fishing, so we did that instead of attending church. None of my church family members knew what was going to happen, after dropping off the two girls that I baby sit. I stopped over to his former teachers house to let her know what was going to happen on Tuesday morning, and over to my Monday night bible studies teachers house, to let her know what was going on, and why I was not in church. She understood that family outings such as this was more important than attending church, having someone that understands gives me a sense of peace.

On Tuesday morning we drove to Seneca Center, and carpooled down to S.L. to check out the school and the house C will be staying at for the next 90 days is in Castro Valley. We were suppose to check out the school and the house before we left C, since Seneca Center and the school had in services we were not able to check everything out until Tuesday morning. We were impressed on the size of the house they have an actual back yard, six bedroom a nice size kitchen. For two children they have one counselor that is assigned to them. During the transition, C was being taught the rules of the house. Not too much at one time, but at least enough for him to get the concept.

As for us contacting him it will a 30 day grace period they do not want the parents input, unless it is needed. With that in placed I'm pretty much out of the loop of how C is doing at the moment, I can not stress over their rules and regulations that they have in placed. As far as I know from lasts night conversation with Ch, since they did call after I had left for school we are allowed to call after 9:30 p.m. to see how he is doing. Even though I've been pretty good about my peak time calls waiting on the weekends would be better, I do know that we will have to travel back and forth again for counseling. If that does happen I'm will be quitting my job entirely, I can't afford to drive back and forth to work. Since my job did call me last night I doubled, checked this morning there were no appointments for me. Hopefully the job does pick up soon, or many of us will be laid off, if that does happen there will be at least 21 m.t.'s looking for work.

And once more there is quiteness that has settled into the house, I'm praying that whatever happens in the next three months will be very helpful to C. After this program they will let us know what to do next whether it will be a group home or stay with us. After talking with someone yesterday about his behaviors before he went to bed and at school, I wasn't a bit surprised that it did not take C very long to prove what he can do. The counselor did not surprise me one bit on the information she was giving me, I told her that is the way it has been for the past two years any thing he says or does will not shock me. Nor will it put a dapper on my spirit everyone that has worked with C know's what he is capable of doing.

All I ask of my readers is to continue to pray for us, that he will be recieving the help that he needs. C can be hell on wheels and for the first time in months, my living room has not been distroyed.

They Finally Listened

And we finally won PRAISE THE LORD! Nerves have been shot, I'm going to try to eat some soup.... maybe if it will stay down. The next step is getting release forms from Kiaser, and if we were told this before the meeting we would have been on it.

if you don't know what your doing, pray
to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his
help, and won't be condescended to when you
ask for it. Ask boldly, believing, without a
second thought.

~James 1:5-6 MSG~

A Living Nightmare

Oh it could have been worse, as of right now it can get only worse we will not know the outcome until tomorrow afternoon's meeting. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this, I know my nerves are on edge; as of this evening J. was on his way home from feeding his goat, when our neighbor stopped him in his tracks and asked us not to talk about C the way we have been doing. What the hell! No one knows of what is going on with C, I do not talk to any one outside my group of friends and I do not talk with any one at the only store in this town! Due to the fact that no one is willing to step up to the plate and ask us what is wrong with our son, J took this very hard. To say the least. He was playing Montgomery Gentry when I pulled into the drive way, he had it playing loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear, what can I say he's got good taste in music. It took him 30 minutes to spill his guts, he told me that she heard that we wanted to get rid of C'; she knows we are trying to get him the help he needs. Now the whole freaken town knows and the last person I wanted to find out about this was my Pastor from the church we attend to. They are the last one's to know, I do not want any meddling from any one; we have kept this to ourselves and only letting those who we trust to know what is going on.

As quick as J told me I was on the phone to my bible study teacher, I'm so glad she answered the phone. I explained to her what was being said behind our backs, she knows the pressure we have been under, knows that I'm attending school, baby sitting along with my regular job which I could not quit too much hard work and tears, along with clients that have the privilege in having a massage from me. Like many other's have said about me you are a strong person, you have the will power of doing all of this don't you think it's a little too much right now? No because I need to make a difference in my families income I can not keep working for pay that does not cover every thing we're making it from pay check to paycheck and with the talk of what is going on I just felt like someone had it hit me with a grenade, the only people that I could narrow it down to would be my former supervisor and her grandson, who attends J's school they are both in the same class, his student aid use to be C's aid when he was attending public school.

I know assuming is wrong, I also know that gossip hurts other's and does nothing good but to harm those who hear it. The last time I saw my former supervisor and her uppity daughter they had a run in with C needless to say I tried to explain to both of them that we are trying everything we can for C, of course the blame again lays as my fault! Can't you control him? Oh I would have loved to show both of them how we control him, by holding him down for 10 minutes to 1 hour. And see what they both have to say about that. As I'm writing this out, I can feel tears of pain and anger slipping down my checks. And praying for angles to protect me and my family from harm.

I do not need the gossip or lies that people like to say about us, and what we are trying to do for our son. He needs help more than what we can give him I'm praying for every one's help that the county will finally come to their senses and realize that this has gone on for too long and it has gone to far with everyone aboard, of course this new program that is working with us seems to think we need more enforcements what we need is for someone to actually listen to our pleas and stop handing us stuff that does not work. We did in fact talk to a layer about J talking to a social worker at school, he said J would be the one pulled from the family not C. Because he is scared of his brother which he did tell the social worker, who in turned called us. Which got us no where close to getting the help we needed for C, that just got people stating facts that we are trying everything we can for C. That was coming from C's counselor from the county, as of today C had an incident at school and one at his program that he is enrolled they are not helpful in what C needs I'm sorry to say that, if they were willing to give us more of a hand in control they should have known not to take his case. We may not have a teacher calling us to come and get our son. We are still no step closer to helping C with his outbursts, his doctor did up one of his meds, I came down hard and told Ch why don't we just give the poor kid caffeine and see what happens, I'm really tired of the meds already.

I may have been blessed with two son's, thankful that only one son is more difficult than the other. As of two hours ago he finally figured that when his chores are done the right way and his goat is taken care of he has more time to play. Geeze and it took him all of the school year to finally figure it all out, a good kid with a heart of gold huumm wonder where it gets it from.

In closing I leave you with this

Joy comes from knowing God loves me
and knows who I am and where I'm going...
that my future is secured as I rest in him.
~james Dobson~

Farewell to Massage Envy

I have talked with Ch about me quitting my job, we both feel it is high time. There is another Massage Envy that recently opened up after today's talk with my Lead Therapist I'm done, I will be putting in my two week notice tomorrow, I would have put it in writing today while I was at work since there is too many eyes I felt that coming home was the best way to do it. I'm not sure what to tell any of my clients, I feel I have none left in the last three weeks my work has been very slow. Too many Massage Therapist have been hired in the last month, and with so many of us there is no need for me. I feel my work is not as good as other therapist, so in turn I have nothing to show for what I have done. I knew my time was coming I was hoping to last into the third week into April, we both feel that it is time for me to quit. Our computers have been acting up since Friday night, the owner does not care about who works on our systems in turn we have some goofball of a massage therapist who thinks he knows every thing. In turn has screwed our computers, another reason why I'm quitting. No more commuting I can cook breakfast for my boys, and continue to baby sit.

As for my schooling I have gotten two A+, one in my previous class and in my current class. I feel this is my reward of turning a tide, I am scared of the unknown I know I'm taking my chances in every thing that I'm doing right now. For now the Lord is my guiding light, his arms is what carries me through my toughest days. I may not like what my Lead Therapist may say to me when I go back to work on Friday and I could careless, she started it I'm finishing with so many unwanted comments I could have told her off yesterday, I did not want to be fired today. I feel that if they do not want to stick up for their massage therapist then there is no use of working for a company that does not care. This place of work has taught me a lot since I've been with them for year and half, I should have listened a long time ago do not work for someone that you do not know the company well enough to work for.

The good thing that came out of it was getting a new suv, I feel that is my only reward out of this whole mess. I will call my insurance to let them know to take Massage Envy off, put down my business name down. I do have a chance of getting extra credentials towards my massage career I have to find out how to get there and to see if I will be able to get the time off of work I'm sure there will be other classes to take, once the dust settles. Right now my work is unsettled I feel it every time I walk into the building wondering if there will be enough work for me, or will I get the call we do not need you today, we're putting you on call so that our other new hires gets the work. They told all of us that they would not put the older one's on call, only the new one's they have lied to us.

For some reason my heart is not heavy burden this time around, for some reason I'm feeling pretty good about quiting. I'm not sure why, I haven't felt this reassurance in a long time. What ever the reason behind it, I'm not going to question it. I'm just letting every thing be as it should, being left alone let it take care of itself there is nothing I can do about. There will be other jobs, there will always be a place for Massage Therapy, it is one of those careers once you learn it you can not forget it. There is other writing projects that I want to write about, for now I wanted to let my readers know I doing good. And I can not wait for my two weeks to be up, I'm going to work on getting my weight down before summer vacation. In the mean time may you all have a wonderful Easter.

Couldn't find a title

I know it has been a while since my last post, life has thrown us another curve ball. We had our I.E.P meeting last Tuesday, I was very late for work; Since our meeting went into over time. Ch stayed until 12:30 he was late getting to his class, but it was worth it. So what came out of the meeting? A bunch of Fucking Bull Shit! C's counselor through the county is getting fired from the I.E.P team why because she is got on my last Fucking nerve! We called this meeting together to discuss a group home that C can get into without feeling as if he will gone forever we just need to get him some help. His behaviors have take an up ward spiral, C had kicked another student in the stomach the week before our I.E.P meeting, he was taken out of the classroom because his behaviors skyrocketed where he was being unsafe in the classroom. C was brought back into the class room on Monday of this week, Ellen (not her real name) was there in listening to the reports of C's outburst, do you think she would budge and say you win, we will find placement for him. Oh Hell NO!! Instead I've got another outsider coming in from a company called Seneca, a little more advanced then our last helper that we had, the difference they don't accept gifts from families. Nor do they offer any respet care, so we are back to square one. Which means our cries have gone unheard. Because That bitch in the corner doesn't give a damn who my son hurts as long as she gets a pay check! I compared his behaviors from his previous outbreaks they are the same nothing has changed except the dosage of his meds.

Oh gets worse from here, I'm already pissed off from earlier because they finally got someone to do some in home help. I'm not sure if I should trust this company because C is still acting out, he has his moments but it's not enough to keep anyone safe from his temper of throwing a fist at you or kicking you when he is in one of his rages. So Ellen decides to up their hours to 10 hours per week, I'm sure what that will do because we have done every thing that is ever asked of us. So Tuesday before Ellen leaves she gives Henry (not his real name) a video recording of the Super Nanny. It didn't take long for the boxing gloves to be moved from Ch to me real fast, we were throwing punches left and right she didn't know what to do. After Ch was done asking her how long will it take for someone to realize C is a danger to himself and to others when someone lands in the hospital is that what it will take? She didn't look at us She told Henry that He would be at our house three days a week. Let's see here if I'm off to school on Wednesday's because I need a higher education to get a decent paying job, so that night is out. So that leaves Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday's. I have a book that I requested through Sac county, I pull that sucker out I had Ellen running for the nearest door. I told her in front of every one in the room I should have went with my gut instinct and had a layer present at today's meetings. She didn't like that one bit. Hell I don't give a damn, we've dealing with the shit for 2 years it's about time some one takes some kind of action before he ends up hurting some one really bad.

This past Monday C gave Henry and his helper that came with him, because she had some questions for me about C's behavior and what we have done for him in the last 2 yrs. It's a good thing that I don't throw important stuff out. Or take it off the fridge, I explained that we have had rules in placed for the last 2 yrs, we have tried the token broad, sticker board, it has gone as far as me boxing up his toys. Which I have to take out of his room when I have a spare moment, about 2 hours into the meeting with Seneca C showed them what he is like during the times that I'm usually doing dinner. C gave them a run for their money. I'm just not talking about running from me when he's done something bad, I'm talking about throwing the f word, the b word and every other word he can get of his little mouth. C gave Henry a kick, hit him with a stick, told him to got to hell, spit on him. Took both grown adults to hold one child down, which lasted for 2 hours on Monday evening, I didn't say a word, due to the fact that I know what he can do. His actions are not pretty but when it comes to those who are new in C's life you better be able to move fast and quick, because C can change in three seconds flat, I've timed him. They realize that we weren't kidding. C has issues, his mind of a 4 yr old doesn't help either, in the meantime I've got this program telling me what I should be doing for him. Excuse me but I've been through this before, I know what my son is capable of doing. If it weren't for me getting a hold of my angle from Advanced Kids, to come over in her spare time and discussing what I should do, like boxing up his toys, or not letting him outside when there is no adult supervision.

So Tuesday I get a call from Henry, while I'm driving home from work, tells me that I should not let C have any toys, or out of my site while C is outside. So I told him that you know I've done that already he doesn't have anything to play with, we have another lock on the door, I've had to undue our garage door several times. And further more if I have to hold him down or if he runs away I'm calling the police with a 51-50, maybe then it get the point across this mom is through playing games! By that time his phone was cutting out, he would be picking up C on Thursday after school. We'll see how long this lasts. I'm not counting on anything good coming out of this, hell I need sleep! So that's where we stand a bitch that doesn't care a group that is coming to realize that we weren't lying. And rules that don't seem to do anything but everyone more pissed off by the minute. He also had the nerve of asking how C was after they had left went to bed without any problems, the first time I've seen him this tired since the end of summer.

Needing to Vent

Boy isn't that the truth! I'm getting to the point my job is not work my time or money. And I'm not talking aobut baby sitting either, at this point I would rather work with children. They may not like having some one tell them what to do, at least they don't find a way of getting you fired, and to all of my readers if I have any left; How the hell do you tell your supervisor that one of your co-workers are trying to get some one fired because she does not like him? I really HATE MY JOB!! It's not a fun place to work, it has became a place that I pretend that doesn't exsist but that is hard to do. Further more I am not their freaken MAID!! I do the work because no one will do it, the receptionist could careless about hot towels that we sometimes use. Hell if one more thing goes wrong between now and when I put in my two week notice in, I swear to God I'm going to sream. There is nothing worse than having to with some one who can't leave other people alone, the only reason why she leaves me alone because I'm just one that does what she wants and not talk to any one about anything. Hell my work is full of Bull shit, I was asked for my insurance I told her that I would bring it in. Hell I should just hand her a two week notice along with my insurance and see what they say.

I'm pretty sure they would be better off without me, they don't need me for anything, except to work on their so called clients I'm so wanting to throw in the towel and just give them what they want, for me to quit. I'm not settling for them to win me back so they can offer me more money they should have done that from the very beginning, in the past six weeks my tips have been 5 to 15.00 tips. No 20.00 like I got back in the fall and winter, Ch was not pleased counting out what I have made in two weeks, as the saying goes good things comes to those who paitiently wait. I believe that whole heartedly, I know it's not easy on him. At least we make each other smile even on bad days. It may not be easy for me being here by myself, at least all the doors are locked, both boys are in bed, and my homework for this week is done. Tomorrow night is school. On thursday I'll start my next homework assignment, that way if I have nothing to do at work I can take my lap top and note pad start on my next assignment, even though I don't have internet access I can start putting ideas down on paper, then transfer it over to the computer.

Ch's work will be getting another lead worker to the crew, which is great. That way I can finally have my hubby home in the evenings for two months of days, then two months of nights. Which will be a lot easier on me and the boys. That way when I've got a major assignment I can get it done without being bugged every so often of MOOM!! C is hitting me again or J won't let me have a game or whatever the case may be. At least we will have our evenings back again, I haven't really thought about getting another job after quitting this one, I'm pretty happy of child sitting and going to school, my main focus is getting through everything with paitence, faith and happiness. Sure I'm stressed out right now it's not easy having to deal with work, kids and school at least it's not like I'm not getting paid. Tomorrow I will finally get paid for all the hard work I've been doing. The only commute I will have is to school, shopping and doctor appointments, that I've neglected to make for myself.

I have found something in my eye I'm not sure what it is, I thought it was a piece of fuzz flooting around in my eye, so I took a q-tip to it, I found it's part of my eye where the blood vessels are. I have worn glasses since my first year of high school, so I know that this not normal. I'm closely watching my eye for any discoloration, or any type of loss of vission. I know I should not wait, when there is no money and my children have been going through growing spurts lately I have to put my needs asside. I have told Ch about it, there is nothing we can do about it at the moment, my eyes and my whole well being is very important to me. For now I'm going to wade this out for a little while. I know I shouldn't when there is hardly any money I can not afford to not items that are needed such as gas, food and whatever else we tend to run out of before our next paychecks. At least we have eachother, family is important to us, we have been invited out to dinner on Saturday with Ch's parents for dad in laws birthday, I told Ch that we should go. I'm praying that my work picks up on Thursday and friday, that way we can go out to dinner with them.

I have been up early this morning, I came home from work not feeling well. Ch just pulled up 4:45 comes mighty early I need my sleep. May you all have a good week.

Gone Too Long

Just a short post to let you know, we are doing okay. We still have a lot of work ahead of us, we are in the process of getting the help we need for C, I just pray that it will be soon. This past Friday was my sister in laws 5 years of being clean, she is very proud of what she has accomplished. We also bought a new computer to replace the one that died on us, I will get to your all of your bloggs as soon as I can figure out how to upload them. Most of the ones that I read are private or on Ch's list of ones that he reads. In the meantime may you all have a blessing of a week, my blog is here to stay. I have too many posts to delete, and the hearteche of leaving here would be too much. I have made a lot of friends through here I'm not about to shut down any time soon. I will change my background when I get the chance. For now Good Night.

Birthday Thoughts

Today would have been my mom's 65th birthday, if she was still here today all three of us would find a way of getting together or waiting until the weekend to take her out to dinner. She would make her cake and decorate it with home made frosting, how I remeber her cakes her frosting was to die for. She wouldn't ask anything of us just as long as we were happy and healthy, that's all she cared about. Never asked for anything special just lots of hugs and kisses from her three kids. She wouldn't mind a bottle of Lady Stetson, to this day I can't walk by a bottle of that and not think of her. So here's to you mom I know you would like this song as much as I do.

Reba M.
I'll Be
When darkness falls upon your heart and soul
I'll be the light that shines for you
When you forget how beautiful you are

I'll be there to remind you
When you can't find your way
I'll find my way for you

When trouble comes around
I will come to you

I'll be your shoulder when you need someone to lean on
be your shelter when you need someone to see you through
I'll be there to cary you through

I'll be there I'll be the rock that will be strong for you
The one that will hold on to you
When you feel the rain falling down
Where there's nobody else around

I'll be

And when you're there with no one there to hold
I'll be the arms that reach for you
And when you feel your faith running low

I'll be there to believe in you
When all you find are lies
I'll be the truth you need

When you need someone to run to
You can run to me
I'll be the sun
When your hear's full of rain
I'll be the one
To chase the rain away

I'm still here just getting my schooling figured out, too much at once. I'm back to baby sitting tonight and trying to work on my paper for school, after losing power all day Friday and most of the morning on Saturday, I'm very behind in blogging and writing my paper. I'm not sure what to really think of going back to school, right now I'm feeling overwhelmed and under pressure since Friday. Due to the power being out, I couldn't look up any information for my paper. And today was the first day that I finally got the chance to find all kinds of reading for it.

So my question to you my readers, if I have any left since I started this blog two years ago. How do you cope when things are out of your hands? How late should I be staying up to get my work done. I'm not someone who likes to stay up late, and try to get up early, I like to get up and be on time for work, none the less my paper is due on Wednesday before class by 6 p.m. The only thing that is saving me right now is having Wednesday's off so I can do my work, correct any thing that needs to be corrected and send it off email wise. Every school is different, every teacher and subject are different. At least I'm feeling somewhat proud of going back to school, not many of us get such a chance, or we just aren't able to find time or the money to do so.

One of the hardest parts of returning back to school, is being away from J and C I'm always been there for them when they need something and now I'm not but I also know this is the best way of getting ahead. I'm tired of small paychecks and having to worry if I have enough tip money to pay on my truck payment. Taking this step was a big challenge for all of us, not knowing the outcome is a little scary. Many times I have wanted to call my guidance counselor and see if she had any ideas of how to get out of my job fast even though I just started school. It's not easy working on commission I don't get to make my own hours I have to be there when they say, and since I took vacation which isn't often my paycheck was very small 238.48 small. Then having it rubbed in my face by one of my co-workers that she took home $140.00 in tips last week, I felt very small and empty inside. I wanted to just walk out and never show up there again, I didn't need that, I didn't want to hear what I had missed out.

My family came first my nerves couldn't take much more, the whining, complaining of other therapist. And how that she seemed better than me, she doesn't have kids or a husband she doesn't know what it's like being a mom, or a wife for that matter she's 35 yrs old and still single, I can see why not very admired for what she's done in her life nor the fact that there is more to life than just going out drinking every other weekend or she has enough to spend. Hell it must be nice to live that kind of life! It was either spend some time with the family or work, you took what you needed; And missed out on the pay, not to mention that we had to turn clients away because we were so booked.

The only day that we were busy was on New Years eve, we are and always remain closed on New years day. I guess it was kind of selfish of me taking so much time off of work. I took the Christmas eve, the day after Christmas and Friday, Monday and went back to work on Thursday. I'm to the point I don't care any more about my job, I'm so sick of what is either being done, or being said about other people that I can't find a quiet spot for me to relax and focus on what is important to me. I'm praying that some how I will find a positive way out of my situation without feeling, that I'm letting my clients down by not being at work.

May this year bring me blessings and hope along my journey, to whatever lies ahead for me. And may the right doors be opened, may the one's that I've journeyed through be closed without me feeling guilty or hurt that I may find peace every thing that I do.