Love Bears All Things

After much thought I believe I have the courage to reveal what happened at our family counseling meeting with C's therapist in Castro Valley in other words Hayward Ca. not too far from S.F. for us it's just another city grown too quickly, for me the words sunk in, for Ch they have not! For those who have read us from the beginning knows how Ch can get when things don't look so good, in other posts he wrote about his dark moods that get the best of him. On Wednesday July 16th we got the dreaded news C will not be coming home this fall, he will be staying on in San Leandro for remainder of this year into next April 22nd 2009. We are often faced with challenges yet this was one that neither I or Ch were prepared for, we haven't told J his little brother will be staying away until next spring. C will have the chance of coming home for visits when he is able to control his moods and is able to handle himself in a safe manor, he will be home for Thanksgiving, Christmas and his aunts wedding on the 1st of November.

We will have to return him back the following day, he may have outings with us then we return C at the appointed time. After hearing this Ch shut down I could feel him move away as I was holding his hand. I pressed mine into his letting him know you can not shut down on me now!! We need each other don't do this to me. Yet he was gone I could feel his numbness his mind gaping over what was being said, his son our last will not be home this fall. We fought to have C placed to get the help he needs. In some ways I'm blessed it's happening now and not when C has hit his teenage years, when it's too late to help him. C is greatly missed by every one, for the longest time I could not walk into his room Ch and J have repainted it the holes in the walls will be worked on another time. C will move into the smaller room with the captains bed that J has grown out of. C will take the smaller room, I would like to get C's old room painted before he returns home Ch hasn't said if we will.

This week has been a struggle of accepting the news, parents are to be strong no matter how tough the situation is. When children have struggles and their only way of handling things is by behavioral issues what is a parent to do? I found myself holding onto prayer finding myself in a place that I did not know existed. Yet God said let there be light, and there was light amongst the darkest part of our turmoil accepting this news.

How the Hell do you tell his older brother that your little brother isn't coming home!?! His needs are much more complicated than what is first thought. C has to stay where he is until he knows how to be safe around others and to himself. In the back of Ch's mind how the hell did this happen? How does a father cope of knowing that his little boy the last of our children will be away from us until next spring. I believe God has a plan for C and what ever that plan is, God will see us through it. I'm grateful for every thing that has happened in the past year, I'm happy I didn't close this down, this is much safer than having a journal laying around where J can read it.

July is not the easiest month from me, 5 yrs ago on July 12th I lost my mother. Now we are faced with C being away from home until next April. We will continue family therapy in Castro Valley and family visits whenever possible. J starts school on August 20th, I will not be there for C's first day of school or to take him for his hair cuts, or any other motherly duty.

The tears have come slowly, I wipe them away my heart is broken. I have to be strong for Ch and J they need me, and I need to cry softly so not to wake up J. This is all for now.

Hello

Just a quick hello from me to you, I'm here been on vacation and dealt with a low blow to the belt line in the mean time I'm going to finish all of my homework before Sunday, unless computer grimlines decide to hijack my computer or some unexpected crap happens in the mean time keep us in your thoughts and prayers as soon as I get caught up on home work there is going to be some posts that I will be needing some positive feed back on.

...And The Fun Begins!!

It's one thing to have been a teenager, and another to have a teenager pick the wrong topic to discuss. Since I've had one dose of schooling under my belt let's do another, this time the topic is not Massage therapy this goes beyond Massage Therapy. One that most of us out there know picking a fight with your mother or father your gonna end up losing in the end. My oldest has been good up until he tried an energy drink and now he thinks it's the best thing since the invention of the Chocolate Chip Cookie! Sorry to say he thought it would be great subject to discuss, turns out to be one hell of a science lesson in drinks! During his time that Dixon May Fair his friends got him to try an energy drink during his week stay at the fair. Telling J they not good for you because you don't know what they are putting in those drinks, and whining because his friends have tried them before! To say the least the energy drink talk once again resurfaced, and this time I was not going to run to the nearest store to get him one knowing full well they can do more harm than good.

By the time we got into the drive way I almost rammed the back end of my suv right into Ch's parked Toyota pickup not to mention the garage, because J had decided to pick a fucking fight over energy drinks! I don't give a damn if other kids are drinking them what I care about is his health. Talk about a big argument right in front of the neighbors, doors were slammed one kid sent to his room and the cell is once again being turned off for one day! If he thinks he's going to bring this subject again there will be one less cell phone to worry about. Since this was a hot debate during my first time in school and I pretty much knew energy drinks was already been given a bad name. Partly because of the sugar content they carry and the herbal content they contain, the fda was not sure if herbals were a drug or used in remedies.

To me this fad will eventually fade, or someone is going to end up suing the beverage company because someone over dosed on their energy drinks. Or one of these beverage companies will end up putting an ingredient that does not belong in the mix, what am I to know I'm just another parent that has concerns of J's well being, fire me then I don't care.

Of course J knew he should have kept his mouth shut over it, he knew how I and his father feel about energy drinks yet the brat thought he could get me to buy him some on payday. Turned out he ended up with his foot in his mouth! J also has a little bit of asthma going on I haven't looked up the side affects of asthma with energy drinks I'm not taking my chances either. Since the air quality has been in the unhealthy range because 1,000 fires have been burning, going outside this past week put a dapper on using the pool. J had called me earlier this week asking me to buy him an energy drink because he was tired of drinking water and soda, I told him to look outside and tell me if he needed one! He would complain because he was tired in the mornings and needed a pick me up. Give me a break!! You just barely got out of school on June 13th and now your complaining you can't stay awake because your board. I swear next year J is either returning to summer school! Or he's being shipped to the nearest camp! I'm not going through this again.

So after we both cooled off, he came out and apologized to me for arguing with me over energy drinks, I showed him a few articles on why young kids his age should not be drinking energy drinks. Points given tonight Mother -1 J - 0, I know the fun has just begun Lord help us all!
If he can stew over a subject this long, I hate to see how he can handle one that has more of a punch to it. We really need to start thinking about sending him off to Christian youth camps, for the next five years.

If you have any funny stories, or any advice that has a good meaning to them feel free to share.
By the way I want to say a Fare Well to a good blogger friend DH, he's decided to leave I wish him the best of luck and continuous prayers for his journey. Thank you for showing me kindness during I and Ch's first years in blog land, Good Luck to you.

Here We Go Again

As many of you know I've had some health issues and some have been easy to treat, some caused me to out of work for two months. Just as I think that I'm going to find a great diet to lose some weight that I have gained in the last year, I thought it's a good idea to have my i.u.d checked. So I made my appointment went to my doctor who I just love and she checked me out had a yest infection (sorry guys) I know that is so gross! After explaining to my obgyn that my libido has taken a nose dive, I'm tired all the time I can be up from 5:00 to 7:00 a.m. ready to start my day by the time I get to work I'm tired I want to take a nap, so fighting to stay awake. I explained to my her that my libido has dropped drastically, this bad I'm not one to complain that I'm extremely tired, or my head hurts I'm achy all over. For some women that's fine and dandy for me hell I want to play, I want to be loved, when your feeling exhausted and there is nothing you can do then something is wrong. So my obgyn sends me down to the to get some blood work done, if your like me who can not handle a needle I feel for you I really do, so I get my blood drawn. About two weeks go by there has not been a report about my blood work. I called the advice nurse she tells me every thing came out fine my blood work is normal.

Nurse: Yes Mrs. R your blood work is fine there were no abnormalities to it.

Me: I do not believe it, so why am I still feeling tired?

Nurse: maybe you need to come back in again,

Me: You've got to be kidding me, do me a favor since your so good at your job send a message to my obgyn here's my cell number, tell my doctor to call me.

Nurse: I have two doctors

Me: my obygn please send her the message to have her call me.

Even a nurse could not tell me if my blood work was anything wrong, on Monday my obgyn calls me on my way home from work, tells me that my blood work is in fact abnormal, my thyroid glad is now acting up on top of the hot flashes that I have been experiencing, abnormal menstrual cycles have been giving us a hell! Not to mention that I'm extremely tired, guess what ladies we all carry the hormone testosterone in our bodies! Last year I was at 189 pounds this year I'm down to 180. We did discuss my weight issues, and not to mention that a piece of the puzzle that has been a pain in my ass! My testosterone level is very low, I should be about 81% of where I should be I'm down in the 20% range. That explains the weight gain that I have been having, tiredness and the I'm too tired to make love tonight.

There is a treatment that I will be starting on, I will have to see my obgyn in about 6 to 8 weeks from now to see where my testosterone level is. My obgyn thought it was stress and the issues that we had in the past but since there is no signs of over stressed and my blood pressure is normal remaining the same since I've been with her, that was not the factor this time. We did discuss my weight we're in an agreement that I would watch my portions don't skip meals and continue to work out. That way I remain active, while my hormones go nuts. And here I sit wanting to go to sleep again, I have been awake since 6:00 this morning except hitting the snooze button. Even swimming is not tempting or the laundry which I have to go do. Boy I'm going to feeling it tonight I still have to go to school. I will be fine, I have women's one day in the cupboard I'll take one of those, hopefully that will work.

Ladies here's a known fact hormones are NOTHING to play around with they are what keeps us going, sure they make that time of the month hell for some of us, your craping your tired, your bitchy. They cause Migrain headaches, they make us what we are strong unbeatable women. If you think that something is wrong go and see your doctor before it's too late, get the treaments that are needed. Don't sit there and say well it will go away or, you know I'm just too busy being the mom who drives the kids around, the cook the cleaning lady or the gal that attends bible study on a Monday night.

Here's the point don't wait until it's too late, take a closer look at yourself in the mirror don't put off what you should do today. If there is one positive thing that I know is love yourself as you love others, that makes every thing good. I know I have a lot on my plate, the love that I have for my wellbeing is enough to say you know I will sleep in on the weekends. I'll take that 30 minute time out, do something for yourselves most importantly don't for get that you are still human. Go ahead scream at me for putting a post that should be talked about, if your younger or older than me give me some positive adivce I'm 33 years old and I'm proud of it!

Post below

The post was written on May 27, 2008. As far as I can tell my faithful readers, C is not making much progress as of last Friday the 30th his behaviors has cost him his speech class, he is suppose to have being stated in his I.E.P that speech is part of his school work. When a demand is placed on C he gets mad and starts throwing a fit. C is then taken out of the class room and put in a quiet room on campus. The only progress that has been made on C's part is his math he is almost at grade level whether he continues to learn at his own pace that is up to C, on June 11th we will travel up to where C is staying, I can not begin to tell you what it's like having a child that knows so much but has behaviors that are a mistery to all of us. This all for now will write again soon.

Sorry For The Break

I'm not sure if I have any readers left, nor do I stop by those who regularly read. Too much has been going on since my last post, and with every weekend off I'm planning to update a little more. I finally convinced my supervisor to let me have every Saturday off, instead of working every other Saturday, my school work has consuming my time with the family, but that is the price you pay when you return to school. I have no regrets in returning it has built my self esteem higher than my previous return to school 3 yrs ago; I'm finding this to more informational than I had in high school and some how I'm retaining more than ever before.

My grades are not exactly where I want them to be, at least they are better than I believe they could ever be; I'm happy with them my teacher has much faith in me. Which is a good thing because speaking in front of a group of strangers is not a walk in the park! I get very nervous where my body starts to shake I can feel my face turn red, and my hands start to shake, not a simple task to over come. So in this class I'm learning how to put a speech together and speaking in front of a small group is not so bad, my first night we had to pick an activity out of a hat and talk about it. It was a tad bit nerve racking thank god for a small class! I do not think I would be able to do it in front of a large class of 10.

For the most part I'm loving school, home work can be a breeze if I could have more time on it. That is why I've decided to remove myself from working every other Saturday, to working one Saturday a month. Ch is loving the idea now we can actually do something other than wasting a weekend. I can be more productive with my learning team, this will help tremendously cutting my work hours; my supervisors understands where I'm coming from, her daughter was doing the same thing that I was doing bringing my homework in and working on it during my breaks. I'm pleased she took notice of my school work and has taken me off every Saturday and only work once a month.

As for C we get to see him tomorrow he did call last Friday evening he is missing home, he can not control himself; outings are out of the question at the moment we do not know all the details nor do we know what is really going on with him. We know that he is in need of intense care, he said he is not progressing to a lower level of care, he is still being sent to the quiet room; This is a challenge for C to be away from us. I have not stepped into C's bedroom since he left nor, can I look at his room, it the same as he left it. It is in need of a good vacuuming and a paint job, I just can not bring myself in doing anything with it.

J on the other hand is loving every moment of C being gone, except for his suspension, for fighting. J was protecting himself from the other boy when the teacher saw what was going on, both J and the other boy were sent to the office, J's teacher called me to pester me about getting J to see his counselor before this had taken place, she senced that J was still unhappy with the situation of C being out of the house turns out, that J is not unhappy but getting ticked off with the other kid picking on him. If the teacher had saw that the other kid was the one getting to J, I think she would have a different point of view. The teacher thought that J is the type of kid to start fights he is not, we told the teacher at the I.E.P meeting he is not the type of kid that would start fights, most of the time it's the other kids that have been after J. He's just defending himself.

My neighbors who have known J for a long time know he's not the type of kid to start a fight, I'm sure he would put up a good argument but that is far as he would take it unless the other kid throws the first punch. Since I haven't taught J to fight because of C, having behavioral problems there was no way J was going to be taught self defence lessons We have a month left before C returns home, J has found peace during this difficult transition. Ch often thinks it's not fair having one child here and the other gone. But C needs the help, more than ever.

I will post more as soon as I get a chance, home work has not been easy to accomplish. I have learned a lot since returning to school I feel I have accomplished a great deal in the last 5 months I pray to continue down the road of success.

Children and Pets

This little guy was sold over the weekend, needless to say I had to walk away. I did not have the heart to pet him one more time, knowing he'd be sold for meat. J won a gold fish which died before I had a chance to get food and a small fish tank, ended up replacing the dead gold fish with another beta. Life is just full of surprises J got 7th place for 1st year showmanship the goat got 5th place in market. $500.75 all money from the bank loan will be paid in full. My mother's day was spent at the Dixon May Fair, next year it will be my turn to stay a week.

C did call me to wish me a happy mother's day, our first without him. My 5th without my mum, it was not like last years mother's day nor did it feel like mother's day. C misses home we both cried a little and I haven't had any quiet time this past week too many things going on, between the fair and baby sitting life was a blur.

Birthday's and Other Stuff

The past two weeks have been a blur, Ch along with his family took us to a different restaurant on the Delta the occasion celebrating my 33rd birthday. Yes I did turn 33 not that it was a big deal, we all had a good time. My oldest was a tad bit jealous mom got a bowl of ice cream with a candle, mind you I'm not big on surprises. I knew about the dinner because I would not have minded cooking, for all of us and since Ch has been working nights for the past 1 1/2 years he decided to take me out instead. So the cook got a break, and dinner was served by someone else. Made me feel pretty good. In other events leading up to my birthday, Ch has booked us a room in Reno for next month I will be attending my very first concert! I'm very excited I've never been to a concert and since this is one that I'm sure to enjoy. We're going to see Trac Adkins in concert, I'm very excited and J will be spending the weekend alone with his grandparents.

The final meeting took place on Tuesday the day before my birthday, our trusted advisor was there along with the county, and the program that is involved with C. We got the call late that afternoon letting us know C has been approved for residential care. On Friday I had gotten a call from one of the helpers asking if we had told C about the placement we told them we had not. Ch had already talked them while I was at work, I did not know since my phone is usually off while I'm at work. With the school having an in service day his classmates didn't have a chance to say goodbye, we did not have time to set up a doctors appointment so he could get his vitals read. We had Saturday and Sunday to get every thing cleaned for C, Ch took Monday off since I couldn't get of going to work.

Since it was my birthday weekend my boys wanted to take me out fishing, so we did that instead of attending church. None of my church family members knew what was going to happen, after dropping off the two girls that I baby sit. I stopped over to his former teachers house to let her know what was going to happen on Tuesday morning, and over to my Monday night bible studies teachers house, to let her know what was going on, and why I was not in church. She understood that family outings such as this was more important than attending church, having someone that understands gives me a sense of peace.

On Tuesday morning we drove to Seneca Center, and carpooled down to S.L. to check out the school and the house C will be staying at for the next 90 days is in Castro Valley. We were suppose to check out the school and the house before we left C, since Seneca Center and the school had in services we were not able to check everything out until Tuesday morning. We were impressed on the size of the house they have an actual back yard, six bedroom a nice size kitchen. For two children they have one counselor that is assigned to them. During the transition, C was being taught the rules of the house. Not too much at one time, but at least enough for him to get the concept.

As for us contacting him it will a 30 day grace period they do not want the parents input, unless it is needed. With that in placed I'm pretty much out of the loop of how C is doing at the moment, I can not stress over their rules and regulations that they have in placed. As far as I know from lasts night conversation with Ch, since they did call after I had left for school we are allowed to call after 9:30 p.m. to see how he is doing. Even though I've been pretty good about my peak time calls waiting on the weekends would be better, I do know that we will have to travel back and forth again for counseling. If that does happen I'm will be quitting my job entirely, I can't afford to drive back and forth to work. Since my job did call me last night I doubled, checked this morning there were no appointments for me. Hopefully the job does pick up soon, or many of us will be laid off, if that does happen there will be at least 21 m.t.'s looking for work.

And once more there is quiteness that has settled into the house, I'm praying that whatever happens in the next three months will be very helpful to C. After this program they will let us know what to do next whether it will be a group home or stay with us. After talking with someone yesterday about his behaviors before he went to bed and at school, I wasn't a bit surprised that it did not take C very long to prove what he can do. The counselor did not surprise me one bit on the information she was giving me, I told her that is the way it has been for the past two years any thing he says or does will not shock me. Nor will it put a dapper on my spirit everyone that has worked with C know's what he is capable of doing.

All I ask of my readers is to continue to pray for us, that he will be recieving the help that he needs. C can be hell on wheels and for the first time in months, my living room has not been distroyed.

They Finally Listened

And we finally won PRAISE THE LORD! Nerves have been shot, I'm going to try to eat some soup.... maybe if it will stay down. The next step is getting release forms from Kiaser, and if we were told this before the meeting we would have been on it.

if you don't know what your doing, pray
to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his
help, and won't be condescended to when you
ask for it. Ask boldly, believing, without a
second thought.

~James 1:5-6 MSG~

A Living Nightmare

Oh it could have been worse, as of right now it can get only worse we will not know the outcome until tomorrow afternoon's meeting. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this, I know my nerves are on edge; as of this evening J. was on his way home from feeding his goat, when our neighbor stopped him in his tracks and asked us not to talk about C the way we have been doing. What the hell! No one knows of what is going on with C, I do not talk to any one outside my group of friends and I do not talk with any one at the only store in this town! Due to the fact that no one is willing to step up to the plate and ask us what is wrong with our son, J took this very hard. To say the least. He was playing Montgomery Gentry when I pulled into the drive way, he had it playing loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear, what can I say he's got good taste in music. It took him 30 minutes to spill his guts, he told me that she heard that we wanted to get rid of C'; she knows we are trying to get him the help he needs. Now the whole freaken town knows and the last person I wanted to find out about this was my Pastor from the church we attend to. They are the last one's to know, I do not want any meddling from any one; we have kept this to ourselves and only letting those who we trust to know what is going on.

As quick as J told me I was on the phone to my bible study teacher, I'm so glad she answered the phone. I explained to her what was being said behind our backs, she knows the pressure we have been under, knows that I'm attending school, baby sitting along with my regular job which I could not quit too much hard work and tears, along with clients that have the privilege in having a massage from me. Like many other's have said about me you are a strong person, you have the will power of doing all of this don't you think it's a little too much right now? No because I need to make a difference in my families income I can not keep working for pay that does not cover every thing we're making it from pay check to paycheck and with the talk of what is going on I just felt like someone had it hit me with a grenade, the only people that I could narrow it down to would be my former supervisor and her grandson, who attends J's school they are both in the same class, his student aid use to be C's aid when he was attending public school.

I know assuming is wrong, I also know that gossip hurts other's and does nothing good but to harm those who hear it. The last time I saw my former supervisor and her uppity daughter they had a run in with C needless to say I tried to explain to both of them that we are trying everything we can for C, of course the blame again lays as my fault! Can't you control him? Oh I would have loved to show both of them how we control him, by holding him down for 10 minutes to 1 hour. And see what they both have to say about that. As I'm writing this out, I can feel tears of pain and anger slipping down my checks. And praying for angles to protect me and my family from harm.

I do not need the gossip or lies that people like to say about us, and what we are trying to do for our son. He needs help more than what we can give him I'm praying for every one's help that the county will finally come to their senses and realize that this has gone on for too long and it has gone to far with everyone aboard, of course this new program that is working with us seems to think we need more enforcements what we need is for someone to actually listen to our pleas and stop handing us stuff that does not work. We did in fact talk to a layer about J talking to a social worker at school, he said J would be the one pulled from the family not C. Because he is scared of his brother which he did tell the social worker, who in turned called us. Which got us no where close to getting the help we needed for C, that just got people stating facts that we are trying everything we can for C. That was coming from C's counselor from the county, as of today C had an incident at school and one at his program that he is enrolled they are not helpful in what C needs I'm sorry to say that, if they were willing to give us more of a hand in control they should have known not to take his case. We may not have a teacher calling us to come and get our son. We are still no step closer to helping C with his outbursts, his doctor did up one of his meds, I came down hard and told Ch why don't we just give the poor kid caffeine and see what happens, I'm really tired of the meds already.

I may have been blessed with two son's, thankful that only one son is more difficult than the other. As of two hours ago he finally figured that when his chores are done the right way and his goat is taken care of he has more time to play. Geeze and it took him all of the school year to finally figure it all out, a good kid with a heart of gold huumm wonder where it gets it from.

In closing I leave you with this

Joy comes from knowing God loves me
and knows who I am and where I'm going...
that my future is secured as I rest in him.
~james Dobson~

Farewell to Massage Envy

I have talked with Ch about me quitting my job, we both feel it is high time. There is another Massage Envy that recently opened up after today's talk with my Lead Therapist I'm done, I will be putting in my two week notice tomorrow, I would have put it in writing today while I was at work since there is too many eyes I felt that coming home was the best way to do it. I'm not sure what to tell any of my clients, I feel I have none left in the last three weeks my work has been very slow. Too many Massage Therapist have been hired in the last month, and with so many of us there is no need for me. I feel my work is not as good as other therapist, so in turn I have nothing to show for what I have done. I knew my time was coming I was hoping to last into the third week into April, we both feel that it is time for me to quit. Our computers have been acting up since Friday night, the owner does not care about who works on our systems in turn we have some goofball of a massage therapist who thinks he knows every thing. In turn has screwed our computers, another reason why I'm quitting. No more commuting I can cook breakfast for my boys, and continue to baby sit.

As for my schooling I have gotten two A+, one in my previous class and in my current class. I feel this is my reward of turning a tide, I am scared of the unknown I know I'm taking my chances in every thing that I'm doing right now. For now the Lord is my guiding light, his arms is what carries me through my toughest days. I may not like what my Lead Therapist may say to me when I go back to work on Friday and I could careless, she started it I'm finishing with so many unwanted comments I could have told her off yesterday, I did not want to be fired today. I feel that if they do not want to stick up for their massage therapist then there is no use of working for a company that does not care. This place of work has taught me a lot since I've been with them for year and half, I should have listened a long time ago do not work for someone that you do not know the company well enough to work for.

The good thing that came out of it was getting a new suv, I feel that is my only reward out of this whole mess. I will call my insurance to let them know to take Massage Envy off, put down my business name down. I do have a chance of getting extra credentials towards my massage career I have to find out how to get there and to see if I will be able to get the time off of work I'm sure there will be other classes to take, once the dust settles. Right now my work is unsettled I feel it every time I walk into the building wondering if there will be enough work for me, or will I get the call we do not need you today, we're putting you on call so that our other new hires gets the work. They told all of us that they would not put the older one's on call, only the new one's they have lied to us.

For some reason my heart is not heavy burden this time around, for some reason I'm feeling pretty good about quiting. I'm not sure why, I haven't felt this reassurance in a long time. What ever the reason behind it, I'm not going to question it. I'm just letting every thing be as it should, being left alone let it take care of itself there is nothing I can do about. There will be other jobs, there will always be a place for Massage Therapy, it is one of those careers once you learn it you can not forget it. There is other writing projects that I want to write about, for now I wanted to let my readers know I doing good. And I can not wait for my two weeks to be up, I'm going to work on getting my weight down before summer vacation. In the mean time may you all have a wonderful Easter.

Couldn't find a title

I know it has been a while since my last post, life has thrown us another curve ball. We had our I.E.P meeting last Tuesday, I was very late for work; Since our meeting went into over time. Ch stayed until 12:30 he was late getting to his class, but it was worth it. So what came out of the meeting? A bunch of Fucking Bull Shit! C's counselor through the county is getting fired from the I.E.P team why because she is got on my last Fucking nerve! We called this meeting together to discuss a group home that C can get into without feeling as if he will gone forever we just need to get him some help. His behaviors have take an up ward spiral, C had kicked another student in the stomach the week before our I.E.P meeting, he was taken out of the classroom because his behaviors skyrocketed where he was being unsafe in the classroom. C was brought back into the class room on Monday of this week, Ellen (not her real name) was there in listening to the reports of C's outburst, do you think she would budge and say you win, we will find placement for him. Oh Hell NO!! Instead I've got another outsider coming in from a company called Seneca, a little more advanced then our last helper that we had, the difference they don't accept gifts from families. Nor do they offer any respet care, so we are back to square one. Which means our cries have gone unheard. Because That bitch in the corner doesn't give a damn who my son hurts as long as she gets a pay check! I compared his behaviors from his previous outbreaks they are the same nothing has changed except the dosage of his meds.

Oh gets worse from here, I'm already pissed off from earlier because they finally got someone to do some in home help. I'm not sure if I should trust this company because C is still acting out, he has his moments but it's not enough to keep anyone safe from his temper of throwing a fist at you or kicking you when he is in one of his rages. So Ellen decides to up their hours to 10 hours per week, I'm sure what that will do because we have done every thing that is ever asked of us. So Tuesday before Ellen leaves she gives Henry (not his real name) a video recording of the Super Nanny. It didn't take long for the boxing gloves to be moved from Ch to me real fast, we were throwing punches left and right she didn't know what to do. After Ch was done asking her how long will it take for someone to realize C is a danger to himself and to others when someone lands in the hospital is that what it will take? She didn't look at us She told Henry that He would be at our house three days a week. Let's see here if I'm off to school on Wednesday's because I need a higher education to get a decent paying job, so that night is out. So that leaves Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday's. I have a book that I requested through Sac county, I pull that sucker out I had Ellen running for the nearest door. I told her in front of every one in the room I should have went with my gut instinct and had a layer present at today's meetings. She didn't like that one bit. Hell I don't give a damn, we've dealing with the shit for 2 years it's about time some one takes some kind of action before he ends up hurting some one really bad.

This past Monday C gave Henry and his helper that came with him, because she had some questions for me about C's behavior and what we have done for him in the last 2 yrs. It's a good thing that I don't throw important stuff out. Or take it off the fridge, I explained that we have had rules in placed for the last 2 yrs, we have tried the token broad, sticker board, it has gone as far as me boxing up his toys. Which I have to take out of his room when I have a spare moment, about 2 hours into the meeting with Seneca C showed them what he is like during the times that I'm usually doing dinner. C gave them a run for their money. I'm just not talking about running from me when he's done something bad, I'm talking about throwing the f word, the b word and every other word he can get of his little mouth. C gave Henry a kick, hit him with a stick, told him to got to hell, spit on him. Took both grown adults to hold one child down, which lasted for 2 hours on Monday evening, I didn't say a word, due to the fact that I know what he can do. His actions are not pretty but when it comes to those who are new in C's life you better be able to move fast and quick, because C can change in three seconds flat, I've timed him. They realize that we weren't kidding. C has issues, his mind of a 4 yr old doesn't help either, in the meantime I've got this program telling me what I should be doing for him. Excuse me but I've been through this before, I know what my son is capable of doing. If it weren't for me getting a hold of my angle from Advanced Kids, to come over in her spare time and discussing what I should do, like boxing up his toys, or not letting him outside when there is no adult supervision.

So Tuesday I get a call from Henry, while I'm driving home from work, tells me that I should not let C have any toys, or out of my site while C is outside. So I told him that you know I've done that already he doesn't have anything to play with, we have another lock on the door, I've had to undue our garage door several times. And further more if I have to hold him down or if he runs away I'm calling the police with a 51-50, maybe then it get the point across this mom is through playing games! By that time his phone was cutting out, he would be picking up C on Thursday after school. We'll see how long this lasts. I'm not counting on anything good coming out of this, hell I need sleep! So that's where we stand a bitch that doesn't care a group that is coming to realize that we weren't lying. And rules that don't seem to do anything but everyone more pissed off by the minute. He also had the nerve of asking how C was after they had left went to bed without any problems, the first time I've seen him this tired since the end of summer.

Needing to Vent

Boy isn't that the truth! I'm getting to the point my job is not work my time or money. And I'm not talking aobut baby sitting either, at this point I would rather work with children. They may not like having some one tell them what to do, at least they don't find a way of getting you fired, and to all of my readers if I have any left; How the hell do you tell your supervisor that one of your co-workers are trying to get some one fired because she does not like him? I really HATE MY JOB!! It's not a fun place to work, it has became a place that I pretend that doesn't exsist but that is hard to do. Further more I am not their freaken MAID!! I do the work because no one will do it, the receptionist could careless about hot towels that we sometimes use. Hell if one more thing goes wrong between now and when I put in my two week notice in, I swear to God I'm going to sream. There is nothing worse than having to with some one who can't leave other people alone, the only reason why she leaves me alone because I'm just one that does what she wants and not talk to any one about anything. Hell my work is full of Bull shit, I was asked for my insurance I told her that I would bring it in. Hell I should just hand her a two week notice along with my insurance and see what they say.

I'm pretty sure they would be better off without me, they don't need me for anything, except to work on their so called clients I'm so wanting to throw in the towel and just give them what they want, for me to quit. I'm not settling for them to win me back so they can offer me more money they should have done that from the very beginning, in the past six weeks my tips have been 5 to 15.00 tips. No 20.00 like I got back in the fall and winter, Ch was not pleased counting out what I have made in two weeks, as the saying goes good things comes to those who paitiently wait. I believe that whole heartedly, I know it's not easy on him. At least we make each other smile even on bad days. It may not be easy for me being here by myself, at least all the doors are locked, both boys are in bed, and my homework for this week is done. Tomorrow night is school. On thursday I'll start my next homework assignment, that way if I have nothing to do at work I can take my lap top and note pad start on my next assignment, even though I don't have internet access I can start putting ideas down on paper, then transfer it over to the computer.

Ch's work will be getting another lead worker to the crew, which is great. That way I can finally have my hubby home in the evenings for two months of days, then two months of nights. Which will be a lot easier on me and the boys. That way when I've got a major assignment I can get it done without being bugged every so often of MOOM!! C is hitting me again or J won't let me have a game or whatever the case may be. At least we will have our evenings back again, I haven't really thought about getting another job after quitting this one, I'm pretty happy of child sitting and going to school, my main focus is getting through everything with paitence, faith and happiness. Sure I'm stressed out right now it's not easy having to deal with work, kids and school at least it's not like I'm not getting paid. Tomorrow I will finally get paid for all the hard work I've been doing. The only commute I will have is to school, shopping and doctor appointments, that I've neglected to make for myself.

I have found something in my eye I'm not sure what it is, I thought it was a piece of fuzz flooting around in my eye, so I took a q-tip to it, I found it's part of my eye where the blood vessels are. I have worn glasses since my first year of high school, so I know that this not normal. I'm closely watching my eye for any discoloration, or any type of loss of vission. I know I should not wait, when there is no money and my children have been going through growing spurts lately I have to put my needs asside. I have told Ch about it, there is nothing we can do about it at the moment, my eyes and my whole well being is very important to me. For now I'm going to wade this out for a little while. I know I shouldn't when there is hardly any money I can not afford to not items that are needed such as gas, food and whatever else we tend to run out of before our next paychecks. At least we have eachother, family is important to us, we have been invited out to dinner on Saturday with Ch's parents for dad in laws birthday, I told Ch that we should go. I'm praying that my work picks up on Thursday and friday, that way we can go out to dinner with them.

I have been up early this morning, I came home from work not feeling well. Ch just pulled up 4:45 comes mighty early I need my sleep. May you all have a good week.

Gone Too Long

Just a short post to let you know, we are doing okay. We still have a lot of work ahead of us, we are in the process of getting the help we need for C, I just pray that it will be soon. This past Friday was my sister in laws 5 years of being clean, she is very proud of what she has accomplished. We also bought a new computer to replace the one that died on us, I will get to your all of your bloggs as soon as I can figure out how to upload them. Most of the ones that I read are private or on Ch's list of ones that he reads. In the meantime may you all have a blessing of a week, my blog is here to stay. I have too many posts to delete, and the hearteche of leaving here would be too much. I have made a lot of friends through here I'm not about to shut down any time soon. I will change my background when I get the chance. For now Good Night.

Birthday Thoughts

Today would have been my mom's 65th birthday, if she was still here today all three of us would find a way of getting together or waiting until the weekend to take her out to dinner. She would make her cake and decorate it with home made frosting, how I remeber her cakes her frosting was to die for. She wouldn't ask anything of us just as long as we were happy and healthy, that's all she cared about. Never asked for anything special just lots of hugs and kisses from her three kids. She wouldn't mind a bottle of Lady Stetson, to this day I can't walk by a bottle of that and not think of her. So here's to you mom I know you would like this song as much as I do.

Reba M.
I'll Be
When darkness falls upon your heart and soul
I'll be the light that shines for you
When you forget how beautiful you are

I'll be there to remind you
When you can't find your way
I'll find my way for you

When trouble comes around
I will come to you

I'll be your shoulder when you need someone to lean on
be your shelter when you need someone to see you through
I'll be there to cary you through

I'll be there I'll be the rock that will be strong for you
The one that will hold on to you
When you feel the rain falling down
Where there's nobody else around

I'll be

And when you're there with no one there to hold
I'll be the arms that reach for you
And when you feel your faith running low

I'll be there to believe in you
When all you find are lies
I'll be the truth you need

When you need someone to run to
You can run to me
I'll be the sun
When your hear's full of rain
I'll be the one
To chase the rain away

I'm still here just getting my schooling figured out, too much at once. I'm back to baby sitting tonight and trying to work on my paper for school, after losing power all day Friday and most of the morning on Saturday, I'm very behind in blogging and writing my paper. I'm not sure what to really think of going back to school, right now I'm feeling overwhelmed and under pressure since Friday. Due to the power being out, I couldn't look up any information for my paper. And today was the first day that I finally got the chance to find all kinds of reading for it.

So my question to you my readers, if I have any left since I started this blog two years ago. How do you cope when things are out of your hands? How late should I be staying up to get my work done. I'm not someone who likes to stay up late, and try to get up early, I like to get up and be on time for work, none the less my paper is due on Wednesday before class by 6 p.m. The only thing that is saving me right now is having Wednesday's off so I can do my work, correct any thing that needs to be corrected and send it off email wise. Every school is different, every teacher and subject are different. At least I'm feeling somewhat proud of going back to school, not many of us get such a chance, or we just aren't able to find time or the money to do so.

One of the hardest parts of returning back to school, is being away from J and C I'm always been there for them when they need something and now I'm not but I also know this is the best way of getting ahead. I'm tired of small paychecks and having to worry if I have enough tip money to pay on my truck payment. Taking this step was a big challenge for all of us, not knowing the outcome is a little scary. Many times I have wanted to call my guidance counselor and see if she had any ideas of how to get out of my job fast even though I just started school. It's not easy working on commission I don't get to make my own hours I have to be there when they say, and since I took vacation which isn't often my paycheck was very small 238.48 small. Then having it rubbed in my face by one of my co-workers that she took home $140.00 in tips last week, I felt very small and empty inside. I wanted to just walk out and never show up there again, I didn't need that, I didn't want to hear what I had missed out.

My family came first my nerves couldn't take much more, the whining, complaining of other therapist. And how that she seemed better than me, she doesn't have kids or a husband she doesn't know what it's like being a mom, or a wife for that matter she's 35 yrs old and still single, I can see why not very admired for what she's done in her life nor the fact that there is more to life than just going out drinking every other weekend or she has enough to spend. Hell it must be nice to live that kind of life! It was either spend some time with the family or work, you took what you needed; And missed out on the pay, not to mention that we had to turn clients away because we were so booked.

The only day that we were busy was on New Years eve, we are and always remain closed on New years day. I guess it was kind of selfish of me taking so much time off of work. I took the Christmas eve, the day after Christmas and Friday, Monday and went back to work on Thursday. I'm to the point I don't care any more about my job, I'm so sick of what is either being done, or being said about other people that I can't find a quiet spot for me to relax and focus on what is important to me. I'm praying that some how I will find a positive way out of my situation without feeling, that I'm letting my clients down by not being at work.

May this year bring me blessings and hope along my journey, to whatever lies ahead for me. And may the right doors be opened, may the one's that I've journeyed through be closed without me feeling guilty or hurt that I may find peace every thing that I do.

Conversations And Other Stuff

Maybe it should read TMI, of course there is other things, that sisters and brothers should not share with one another. My loving brother who I'm very close with has been calling me a lot lately, he's finally got himself a cell phone one that he can actaully call me on. And one that I hope that he can keep. So any way here's what our blushing conversation went.

Brother - Hey Sis what's going on?

Me - Nothing much getting dinner done.

Brother - I've er got something to ask you, that I can't ask any one else. (My thoughts oh great don't tell me about your sex life, because I'm not interested in it).

Brother - Are you still there?

Me - Yes. Okay go ahead and ask....or dare I want to know.

Brother - Have you ever.....um.....shaved your neither regions?

Me - OH MY GOD I don't believe your asking me this question, this is one thing you just don't share with your sister!

Brother - It's one question you just don't ask your best friend because he's a guy, and I couldn't ask him for his opinion...I had to ask you.

Me - Okay here's the deal...if I tell you....YOU better not say another word to me about this,

Brother - Oh this is cool! I've finally gotten you out of your box. My thoughts my own brother has gotten me good! Well are you going to tell me?

Me - Yes I have are you happy Now!?! Since you've got me blushing let me just say my brother was very proud of himself, he was laughing thought it was pretty good. To say the least I told him the truth he asked if it's suppose to burn? Okay you know something this is not my favorite subject Brother - I know isn't it great your finally opening up? Oh hell!!... I use to.... not any more too many infections. Now I just shave my bikini line, I hope your happy for getting me all flustered Brother - Yes very happy. My thoughts your lucky you don't live close someone was getting some ice in a bag under the covers. Brother - Is it suppose to burn? So your pain eh LOL! Okay that's uncalled for. To say the least I wanted to crown my brother; We talked about how his new girl friend and him were getting along, and how his work was going. Just the regular every day stuff. He finally talked to our sister and my God Mother who isn't all that well, at least she is moving along pretty well for a 92 yr old.

After lots of thinking and praying I've decided to return back to school, they don't have any day classes, only evening I've got two people in mind. I'm sure that this will work out and I can move on to bigger and better challenges. For some reason I love a challenge I also like to take chances of doing things that get me motivated in the right direction. So I'm going to start back to school on Dec 19Th. My orientation is on Dec 13Th, which is just right around the corner. I'm excited yet a little nervous of going back, I know this will be good for me, and hopefully when the time is right I can go back into massage therapy, and find a school that is not so costly.

This has been sitting on my computer for a week yikes! I had it all figured out put boys to bed finish and head to bed myself, as some plans do fail at times at least I've finally got a post that isn't three weeks delay. As soon as I get this baby sitting thing in order and hopefully that will be soon, I'll be posting a little more.

Where To Begin

Yes those who are still here, it's been a crazy week; And feeling the pinch of how the hell did I get into this mess in the first place? And now I've put a forbearance against my student loan because I don't make enough to pay the damn bill, because my boss has decided not to give me a raise after being there for a year, oh you get a shirt instead, that won't pay my truck payment that won't help buy my boys shoes they need, that won't help with our house payment that just went up a hundred dollars this month; Hell I should have thought this through a lot more than I did. The only light that has actually seeing us through if it works out, is babysitting we'll see how long I can keep up with it, without losing my Patience with C. She's a friend of mine we lost contact a few years ago. My wonderful friend said she couldn't do it because she makes too much. She asked me if I was willing to help out? So I've got two girls along with J and C. We do need the extra income the only thing is I'll have to claim this money on my taxes, I'm getting paid through the county.

The thin light to this situation is possably going back to school again, the only problem with that is finding the time, money and praying for a miracle, without nothing going wrong. Hell I've had it a lot worse than this, that's one memory that I have never shared with any one, the only people that know is my brother and my sister we feel it more this time of year. I'll just leave the rest alone. So any way back to my forbearance loan when I was talking to the customer service rep, she said that it will be for 1 yr, so I don't have to pay anything the only thing that would help a lot is for me to go back to school asap, even though the loan is inactive the default will turn itself around saying that I'm a student trying to make a better life for her family.

So here's my question to any one that has ever done this before, so what college should I be looking into? One that will take ungodly time to get through or one that will help finding a job in less than a year? Any suggestions would help. Right now Massage Therapy this time of year sucks big time, at least I was working during Thanksgiving weekend. Having three appointments and all of them are either five dollar tips or on the cards it doesn't help, most of us live off of our tips when our paychecks are gone. That's were I'm standing right now, of course it doesn't help that I'm taking a much needed break at the end of this month so I can clear my head without feeling more stressed out than I am feeling right now.

I would look for a new job right now which is imposable, I mean anything can change at work they could have me booked solid or it could stay the same. Even though one of Ch's old crew members asked me if I was willing to work up in Napa at a place that I had applied sevarel months ago, I would if the price was right, I'm not traveling up there when she wants to pay me $7.00 an hour the same is what I'm making now. And if the tips are anything like I'm getting at this place it wouldn't be worth the drive, traffic, and gas, I should be bringing home more than $453.02 that was my last paycheck. Hell yes it could be a lot worse, I can't even go down to my uncles house who doesn't live too far from me, every time I call him he wants to know when I'm coming to see him. I tell him soon, I know that's not good enough which hurts me a lot for telling him that. He's the one that helped my mom out when us kids were little.

Every thing happens for a reason, hell maybe a second time in going back to school will be better than the first. If I can figure out a way of paying for the classes, right now I'm feeling very stressed one minute I feel hungry the next, I'm not wanting anything to eat; This has happen before, when I get like this or I want to cry, pray, scream with rage and feeling as if I'm being tortured of Christmas Past. That's one memory I don't want my boys to ever have, I will not beg my mother in law for money we did that last month, because we didn't have enough to pay our house payment lucky for us dad doesn't know unless mom told him. Praying she didn't.

Praying for happy, peaceful thoughts and may I find my path that lead me to more of peace that I'm feeling right now.

I've Turned 2!

And I rather be hanging out here instead of being at work, I'm having issues at work and I'm not sure if I want to continue being a massage therapist. It's starting to make me mad and very disappointed in this company it's more of my colleagues than the company. I work for Massage Envy at first I thought it was a really good job, after a while I'm not all that sure of how I really feel about this company, and they are based in AZ. And right now I'm having negative thoughts on how the location that I'm working at is not the greatest. I can not transfer out because they have already denied me of that, because I don't have issues with any of my co-workers I get along well with my clients that come in and see once in a while. I'm not even sure what is in store for me, whatever my future may hold may it be a positive out look and not what I'm doing now. I've learned a lot from working here not enough to get me out, they don't offer continuing education course which I have to look into for my insurance policy. Even then it's a lot of money to keep that up. Right now I'm sticking this out until we get our taxes done, if there is enough money for me to go back to school, any school I'm very seriously going to look at a different career path, one that I won't have to stress over.



Besides writing posts on just about every thing, any thing, and having a place that I can vent has really helped in a lot of ways, I and Ch haven't really fought since I started my blog just a little over a year ago. Sure we've had a few ups and downs, nothing for us to really fight about, how can we? When he works nights and I work during the day, we don't get to see one another all that much, except for dinner with all of us. Either I take dinner to him or I'll have him come home for dinner, it depends on what he's got going on. Or if C decides to throw a temper before we walk out the door to see Ch. Then I'll call him ask him if it's possable for you to come home? C's having a rough evening a temper more like it. I was once asked how I felt about him working evenings? My reply was he's not having issues with his co-workers that he use to work with, his hours may not be ideal for a family like ours, but at least I know he's much happier, sure he misses being home in the evenings, I know it's not what we would always want for now we manage pretty well.



Having to really look at where we have been, and what it's taken for us to get where we are today, just learning that every day is better than the last. Not taking each other for granted is one of the positive steps we have taken, not getting mad over the little stuff that comes up. Even when I happen to leave the laundry sitting on the couch because I'm exhausted from chasing C around the block or it's just been one of those lousy days at work and my head is pounding because someone wore way too much perfume the night before, oh I've had that happen boy stale perfume has an awful smell to it. Sorry if I've offended any of you, I can't wear any of it I'll break out into one massive sneeze fit, my eyes start itching, my nose comes all stuffed up. It's not fun.



Was it tough to write about any thing that I've posted this year? Looking back over my two years of posting many of my writings have been about love, life, and loss. Either way I know it's part of growing you can't change what has happened, but you can at least give yourself enough time and breathing room to coupe. It's not easy to do even in my line of work I have to be careful of how close I get with clients many of them have told they would cancel their memberships because I know what I'm doing. Which is a hard one to swallow, I feel that I would be letting them down, at the same time I know the stress that I've been under is not good. I also know that life is too short for mistakes, learning from them is a better climb to what is in store. I believe whole heartedly that paths will open when I least expect them to, in the meantime I will keep my head up thank god for the good things he has given me, be thankful for the family and friends that I have.

As for J's unkind neighborhood kid, he's finally getting the clue to stay away from each other. J doesn't want to be his friend because of the way he treats him, neighbor kid isn't the type of boy that he needs to be hanging out with. J sees him as a bad influence on C, which is good J doesn't like the way he treats other kids and teachers at school. We'll see what happens after fall break, they got out on Friday, I know here it is Sunday and I'm still working on this post; That's what happens when you've got so much going on and life seems to get in the way.

So what's next for my blog? I'm not really sure at the moment, I'm hoping to be able to post more positive outlooks maybe a little venting now and then. Or just being able to leave it open for suggestions, I wanted to be able to feel again, love again and laugh again. And you know I've done it all. I have become the person that I know I should be, very caring loving and a friend with open arms. Tonight I started baby sitting again, I've done it off and on over the years. And when I walked up to the gals apartment, we already knew one another. She couldn't believe it, here she thought oh no not another stranger! And when she turned around and saw me she was pretty relieved, I took her two youngest girls with me, brought them home. C had so much fun that he actually stayed put for the first time in months. What a blessing for both of us working mom's that know each other. I've known her oldest and middle child when I was working at the store I didn't know she had another little girl. I take them for a few hours that way her oldest will be able to get her chores and school work done, and I take the other two for a few hours a night. I'm glad to be doing something fun for a change instead of having to worry about work.

After working on this for a few days, due to so much activity going on. I'm able to look back and say I managed to get my life back in order, I was the one who found myself very sad, angry and wondering what the hell did I ever do to be treated without respect. Today I'm very happy, very much in love with the man that I married 13 1/2 yrs ago, with two loving boys that I'm proud to have. So Here's to those who say it can't be done, I say it can with lots of help, prayers and self respect. You can do just about anything that life throws at you. May I continue to grow in faith, love, and a woman that is full of life.

I'm Still Here

Not really sure where to start, needing to find the time to sit down and write what is going on. Just haven't had the time. With Ch working nights and me during the day, by the time I get home from work I'm either doing the laundry, cleaning the house, or making sure C doesn't run out the front door without permission, or hitting one of the neighborhood kids. Making sure I don't forget to put in an hour for myself, I've been known to forget about me when things have come up. We're all hanging in there, to say the least there are a few areas that are needing our attention, which I will be posting later this week if not tomorrow night. Just keep us in your thoughts and prayers. That we will get through this situation and J won't be getting himself kicked out of school, just pray for his self control he's back on the perfect attendese again this year. I will post more on this just bare with me; J is very upset right now and praying that he will choose his words and actions wisely.

This is all for now will be back tomorrow evening.