Even The Strongest Cries

I've kind of taken some time off from writing, not really telling anyone...having so much going on. I needed to recharge, I've had a few bad days with the boys. J got into some hot boiling water that needed my attention. We have gotten it all straightened out, it did cause him to lose a privilege to see one of his teachers at the elementary school that C was attending. I have to figure out who can watch J while I and CH are working. I'm paying $24.00 for C to be at a after school program, and having J to attend one as well, would be putting us over the edge. Lately I have been sent home or called not to come in due to business being very slow, which in turn has hurt my paycheck. I'm still looking for a new job, and not just anything. I did find one they want a p/t massage therapist, I'm not sure how it would work with my other job that I'm currently with. Right now weekends are out of the question, as for nights; I've had my fair share of wanting to fall asleep at the wheel. I'm not ready to give up on looking for a good job, I know right now it's not the best time of the year either.

I've cried my eyes out, dried my tears, stood taller, stronger, and started searching for a better job. And with the next holiday coming up less than a week to go. I'm still in the rut of not getting CH anything for Christmas and the same with him getting anything for me. At least we have each other, family and friends. Almost plenty of cookies, to give away. I still have one more batch of Chocolate Cookies to make, and Ch has one more that he needs to bake as well. I'm still attending my bible study class, and taking a parenting class on Thursday nights we have a few of these classes left. Ch will be back to attend his men's group, so far the parenting class has helped and has said everything we do seems to be working. Taking C to the garage having, him scream his lungs until he's ready to do what we need him to do.

I even received C's report card last week, he's come along way. There is a program that I haven't had a chance to read up on, the group is called Advanced Kids they help with kids with temper tantrums, in the classroom. C isn't quite ready to venture out into the regular classroom just yet due to his temper and as for going out side and have free time play, he tends to run off. So he's still with someone that watches C very closely. C is at basic level, in most of his school work there is still a few quirks that need to be dealt with, other than that C is doing real well. J has finally gotten an aid to work with him, on some of his subjects that he struggles with, so far I haven't had any more detentions sent home from his teacher. Even though J has an aid that works with him, I still ask if he has any home work to do. He knows I will be on him about doing his homework. Which is a plus for the both of, he understands that home work means that it's part of his grade and turning it in on time has been an issue for him.

It's been close to three weeks since my last post, some of it was also due to having so much going on. My family along with few others, had asked if I wouldn't mind helping decorate the church in the early afternoon, I told K that I would bring Ch along she said that would be great! we don't have a lot of tall guys to help out. Most are busy with family functions and are not able to help with the decorating. As one of the teachers was putting up the Nativity scene, C comes along and asked what she was setting up? So here's conversation that happened between the two:

C: Is that a play set?

Mrs. R: no it's a Nativity scene that I'm putting together.

C: An activity scene.

Mrs. R: No an Nativity scene of night when Baby Jesus was born.

C: there seems to be a lot of activity going on around the baby Jesus.

By the last sentence C runs off to help with decorating a tree that I and Ch have put together, and having the boys help put on the ornaments on the tree. Mrs. R comes up to and asked if C has ever seen an Nativity scene? I said I would like to get one, we have no room for one yet, we have no place for one. I said why? She explains to me what he had said, and we both had to stop and think, you know C was on to something that day. God had a lot of activity going on that night. C has also mentioned to me that Pastor was not there, his wife was there just to see if we needed anything? C tells us at dinner that same night that he would like to become a pastor, just like Pastor B. Because I like pastor B.


As I'm rapping this up, I've noticed it's two weeks before Christmas not get any one's feathers in an uproar. I'm really, really behind in my postings, I'll try to post again. Well see.

I Have a dilemma

Wow who would have guessed... I have a major dilemma on my hands. She's here for the week and I'm so close to killing her, with so much positive talk right now it's not even funny. Some of the stuff that is going on, CH doesn't even know yet, I'm not going to tell him until she leaves on Sunday. I'm so tired of her b.s. that I'm ready to tell her off!! One of the things that is pissing me off is how she's telling me how I should spank C more, because he was having a bad night, and not showing off because someone is here. She turns around and says, you know you should spank him more. I told her I can't do that because it will not solve any thing and being that we just had our first parenting class last Thursday, she in turns what the hell is that suppose to do? Excuse the living hell out of me!! She doesn't understand why C is the way he is.
So here's our conversation:

Sister: you shouldn't let him get away with his attitude with you?

Me: He's adjusting to having someone in the house!

Sister: You don't give a $%#@ the way C's talking to you.

Me: Look we are trying something new with him, put C in a place where he can calm himself down and then try to get him to do what we want him to do.

Sister: Your just going to let him get away with verbally abusing you, and when he gets older he's going to do it to his wife?

Me: You don't know what's going to happen when C gets older and how the hell do you even know he's going to be this way all of his life?!?

Sister: Well he needs to up his meds.

Me: We have already done that so lay off! Saying under breath, Lord give me paitence, give my sister a heart to understand what I'm going through. Help her to understand what I'm going through.

Yes I'm freaken pissed off to no end. I have no idea why the hell I even bother with her she's turning into someone I don't even know. C got sick in the middle of the night, and some how I slept through it, I'm not sure when. But this morning before I could work out she says oh you need to clean a mess in C's room because he got sick. Okay so not only do I have Sister that doesn't like to help out, I have a bossy sister that doesn't care about kids!! Just great.

Today I try calling home because C wasn't feeling well, I couldn't get through. So I call CH, his dad is call waiting and later I call Ch back and ask what is wrong at home? CH was on his way home to calm C down because he isn't feeling well. Well geeze no wonder he was having a bad night last night. C didn't wake up until just a few minutes before I walked out the door for work. I told my sister that I was leaving and she needed to be up. She was still sleeping when I walked out the f'ing door. Give me a break!

So that's where I'm standing I'm not in a very good mood, and I can't wait until Sunday when I take her home, I don't need this not now, not ever. I called my dearest friend up this evening told her how she has left my son's room a freaken mess, after I had spent all of last Friday before C got home had his room spotless, and what the hell did I come home to? A messy room!! Another reason I will not have her living with us.

We don't have all the answers to what is going on with C, it's hard enough to have someone that doesn't understand our situation, and starts putting you in a tough spot on how you should be raising your kid. I was on the verge of calling my dearest friend and taking C to her house so he doesn't have to be around my sister. As of right now I'm tired, pissed and if I don't get out of this mood soon I'm on the verge of SCREAMING!!

And on top of her not paying attention to C, because that's how he survives is by feeding off of your structure. My lap top is down for good, I now have to ship it out of state to get a new one!! I have no idea when I'll be able to get a replacement and right now I don't even care, I lost all of my pictures on it, including a very pretty screen saver that I borrowed from my in-laws.

The part that is very sad about the computer, it was a Valentine gift from Ch. I picked it out because the price wasn't too high, and I figured that it would be a good computer. Turns out I was wrong and it hurts because now I have to ship it to the company where it came from. And hopefully they will be able to ship me a new one if not I'm out the money that we had paid for it. Right now I'm not worried about a computer.

I'm concerted over the situation, that has come up with me and my sister. There is a part to a good start to my week. I'll touch base on that after, I let my anger and pain subside. Right now I just needed to get this off of my chest, and realize that I have two boys that love me very much. One is spending the night at his grandparents and one is here with me.

Be it ours, when we cannot see the
face of God, to trust under the shadow
of His wings.
Charles H. Spurgeon

Restless

Usually I'm at work right about now, today was one of those damn it why the hell couldn't C get himself back to sleep!?! Not that I don't have anything to do today. Oh just a few loads of laundry. Found two mice in a drawer this morning, Ch decided to open the drawer where all of my silver wear are in, and since I'm the one who can't stands those awful looking critters. So I came up with this great idea of pulling the silver wear tray out of the drawer sticking peanut butter to the glue trap, closing the drawer and see what happens in the morning. To my amazement I'm still half a sleep half a wake because C decided he wanted soda and one that contains caffeine not something you should give a child at 8:00 p.m. Why couldn't he have picked one of those other juice or water type of drinks and being tired, and a little stressed I wasn't about to argue. So as Ch is getting ready to make his lunch he, hears this racket in the drawer where the glue traps are laying, there is one mouse on the glue trap one jumps out of the drawer lands on the floor. Okay this is not what I wanted today. By this time quick thinking mind, still feeling very sleepy. I open the door let my cat in she's smelling around I move a trash can out of the way, the mouse unsuccessfully tries to get away, lands in the mouth of my lovely kitty. And after J is out of the shower, and dressed I handed him his bb gun, so he can shoot the one thats laying on the glue trap. Took him three tries to finally get the aim right and shoot it for me. What a sweet boy that I have. :D Told C to say away from his older brother, until he was done using his bb gun. And C stayed with me in the living room.

So after J gets out of bed to see what all the fuss is about he's very tired looking not as tired has his mom is feeling at 6:45 this morning. AAARRRGGGG!! So I attempt to get ready for work fond myself more tired than usually so I called into work left a message saying that C wasn't feeling well and I wouldn't be able to make it in. So my boss calls me and says you have client that has requested me and is due at 10:00 a.m. Couldn't she tell there was something wrong with me? It was bad enough that I didn't recognized my receptionist that had made the phone call. She the receptionist asked if I was okay I said no, I had only gotten an hour of sleep this morning, and my boss says I didn't receive any recording this morning. That just makes me feel even more worse after I had made the phone call at 7:03 a.m. and she's telling me there is no message? Either there is a problem with the phones, or someone erased my message! So my boss says goes into this spill, of showing up yada, yada, and I'm the one who has to drive a bad road. I'm not going to cause a car crash because I'm feeling very tired and there was no way she could convince me to come in. She changes things around, and says we'll talk later! More than likely I'm out of a job come tomorrow afternoon, and everyone who either calls in and doesn't have a replacement it's okay for them but it's not okay for me? Talk about sticking up for those who know how to work her over.

About 10:00 a.m. this morning I had just enough energy to take C to school since there is only one day left then they get out for Thanksgiving break, which is fine with me. My sister will be here to watch J and C, or just J. C will be going to the after school program during the time that I will be at work. When I got back home and since driving does tend to put me to sleep, it's a good thing I only live 5 miles from his school. I came home and went right back to bed, for about an hour got up worked out and I'm now feeling a little better. I just hope tonight I will get a better nights sleep. I dislike not being able to get things done, and I don't like the fact that I'm the one that is always getting into trouble with my boss. I don't do a damn thing to piss her off. And just because I don't hang out to talk to her or be buddy, buddy to her. She has no right to single me out, as many would say what comes around goes around. I just wish there was some way of letting her know, it wasn't expected of me not to show up. And the fact that I did call, and left a message. I'm just bearing the fact that to her I'm worthless! And don't deserve anything. Working here has caused me to really believe that everyone is going to be like this, and there is no way of getting out of this mess, at the moment.

All I ask of my readers is just to pray that nothing bad happens, and that she will find it in her heart, that I'm not a bad employee. And just because I don't make friends with her she has no hard feelings towards me. I'm there to work, to make sure everyone is feeling good after their treatment.

I will leave you with this:
All of life becomes charged with
meaning when you realize that you will
live every moment in the sight of company
of the all-seeing always-present Creator.

A Year Already?!?

I can't believe it's been one year. When I started writing I thought it would be for a short period of time, not realizing it would be for a year. Some of you have followed over from CH who started writing about our problems, and a few of our family adventures. I have to honestly say we both have grown in ways, that married couples are to grow when they first get married and not really in the middle ahah! I've also had fun reading different blogs along my path of blogging, who have either got me to laugh or to cry. I know I've done the same with many of you.

To really say which one out of my 78 posts have I come to really enjoy writing or which one's that CH had really take a good look at himself? One of my favorites was the romantic weekend one. I had a fun time writing it, then again it took me all morning which kind of blew our day out of the water. For me to actually go back and say you know I've come along way, since the pain and hurt. To finally have a release of the hurt, tears, and the heartfelt pain that I had experienced it wasn't easy to write about. There where times when I wanted to delete the hurtful posts, that I didn't want it read by any one. Part of me just wanted someone out there to read, to listen to what I had dealt with, there also times when I needed to take a break from writing, I wasn't sure on what to write about or how it would come out. There were also moments that I felt that neither my heart or my feelings were working together. I knew that was when I needed to take few moments to get back into what I was missing.

Then there was the weekend not too long ago, our cable was out for about 12 hours. We had picked up some games for the boys called Klutz kwiz Gizmo, we would take turns to see who knew the answer to the question. We don't have the gizmo to tell you the answer but it was fun having both boys figure out the answer by using their brains. C got really good at answering some of the math problems, he's a smart little guy even though he has a few issues. I'm very blessed to be J's and C's mother, and CH's loving wife. And after putting the boys to bed, having CH get a box of letters out of a plastic box that we have stored him reading a few of his letters that he wrote to me. He felt upset, sad, and hurt that he wrote such letters to me. I may have read the letter once, and forgot that CH had said some pretty awful things to me. I don't think I ever showed them to anyone, they stayed in the box along with some old cards from birthdays, and other in between holidays.

When CH had first brought up writing, about my feelings on here it wasn't easy I wasn't sure how he was going deal with my sharp words or the hurt that I felt from long ago. It's a pure blessing for me to see CH in a different light, not so much of a dark tone that he use to use with me, one that is more loving more caring. At times I wish he had done this sooner, get the help he needed. At least now he knows what I have been through with him in the past.

To look forward to a future that is now brighter, than it has been in a long time. To know that I'm still the same loving wife that I've always been. My faith is much more deeper than it has been when we first got together, I think in some ways that has helped. I'm so glad that he is now seeking help that he needs for his emotions to finally say yes I have a problem of being in control over my wife, looking at my point of view of how he had dealt with me in the past.

I'm sure there is more that I wanted to add to this post, right now I'm feeling very tired. Many of you may know what it's like getting up earlier than your spouse and know it's not easy staying up and trying to finish a project up when your falling asleep.

In turn I wish each of my readers a very good week, may your days be filled with laughter, warm hearts, peace and love.

Getting Better Little by Little

I know it's been a few weeks since I've posted. I've had a teacher parent conference that I've been wanting to post about, which by the way went very well. The change that we had made earlier this year has been a good one for both C and us. His progress is coming along at a speed that has impressed the teacher and I. C is slowly being main streamed from special day class to a regular kinder class for about 35 min. C has had the opportunity to go to the local library with the kinder class, C's teacher was impressed as how well behaved he was with that class. Even though C doesn't say much about what he does in school, at least he's enjoying his old settings. They only experienced a few of his behavior problems, nothing they couldn't handle, they are well trained in how they deal with kids like C. His writing will remain weak due to his eye and hand coordination, in due time it will come together. Even B who is head of the I.E.P program was also impressed with his progress. I've asked for him to be kept at this school, for the rest of his school age years they said it wouldn't be a problem. I also know it's early in the year to ask about summer school, his teacher said that wouldn't be a problem it would actually help him even more. I have felt as if huge a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I can't believe how well C is doing. He's come along way since last year and from the beginning of this school year as well.

As I had stated in my last post about taking the test for the school dis. Which I have done. My boss called me and said she didn't need me to come in after I had called the school dis, and tried to make an appointment, to go in and retake the test. I called the school back told her that I was able to come in, and take the test. It's a good thing that I did go in and retake the test. I passed the reading and the writing part of the test, the math part I still didn't pass it. She said to study the math portion of the test and do the lifting part of the test should be easy to pass. Then I should be ready to start work any time. As much as I love doing massages, I know that I need a stable paycheck coming in, rather than wondering if I will continue to have a paycheck every other week. Even though they raised some of the commissions to $4.00 they should have made an even $5.00, that way we would be able to afford the stuff we need for us working families. I've even put renting a place from someone that I know due to money issues, I still need to contact her and see what she's offering. My heart hasn't really been in that situation, I know it would be of some help but not by much. For one living in a small town and being over run with five different massage therapist doesn't help. And two I would be away from my family in the evenings and also depends on what hours would be available I just don't want to jump into something that I won't be able to pay for.

As for J he finally got an aid for his Studies at school, took them a while to get him one, but it's finally done. I was about to start volunteering in his classroom to help him with his Studies if they didn't find him an aid. I've done it before I would have been pleased to do it again. Even though it's been quite a few years since I've helped out in his classroom, to it doesn't matter that I'm just a mom, one who is willing to lend a helping hand when needed. Fighting for my kids education has really taken it's toll on me, I'm finally being able to sleep more at night and feeling as if two weights have been lifted from my shoulders. Now all I have to do is pass the rest of the test and hopefully I've got a good paying job in my future.

I just pray that I'm being led in the right direction. I also understand that there is so much more to life, than wondering or having to worry about bills and money to pay them. Even though I love what I do, there will be more time to do massages around the time school lets out in the afternoons, or in the late evenings like some of the massage therapist here in town do. It wouldn't be hard to do it's nothing than just some thoughts.

Monday 11/6
One of the things I have tried very hard to do is be very discrete about what I've been studying. Today after my boss told me I could go home, she said oh by the way I want to talk to you. As it is I've been pretty good at getting my work done, signing papers that need to be taken care of. And what does she want to talk to me about? Me applying for another job. That one of my sneaky co-workers have went and told her that I've had applied for another job with the school. I told her that it wouldn't be anytime soon there is a lot that needs to be done before I can do anything. She said okay, she said I would like notice, or the lines of a notice. I said as soon as I know more I would let her know. I walked out of her office went back got my stuff and walked out. Like I normally do, I don't say a word to no one or to speak of my kids in that place because as I'm finding they are some that like to back stab. There is only one person that I do trust, she is much older than me and it's not even a boss she's another massage therapist that works three days that I do. So here's were I stand I've done no talking I've done my work and have left the building sometimes without saying a word to my boss. What gets me is there is no privacy to any thing that any one says or does. Even when one of my co-workers is pissed off at the boss I don't go running to her every time they've had some snide remarks made about her. As far as I'm concerned they that like to talk need to make sure she's not on the other side of the door. That would be a worse case for some of them.

I've come along way from my previous jobs, the knowledge of who to trust and who not to trust and when to leave a situation. I've done it all, maybe it's just time for me to find something else to do besides letting other people in. I know how to close up real fast and it's just what I've been doing, here at this job. I know that no harm will come to me as long as I don't let it. And that's the way I will continue with this job that I've got, let no one in and no one get to close to me. And that's including the one's that own the business she had asked me if I were ready for the holidays and about my kids I said that J and C are doing well, and for the holidays I didn't imply too much on. It's best to leave that subject alone for a while.

This sure has turned into an interesting post, I've got a few things to do and a chapter for bible study tonight that I've neglected to read. So I'm off to do that and a few loads of laundry. May each and every one of you have a good week and pray that nothing bad happens.

Rough Waters

I really shouldn't say rough waters, that's where I feel myself being at. I don't like it not one bit, who says life has to be full of peaches and cream? I did receive a letter from my insurance company, found Mrs. Attitude to be at fault. Thank goodness! I'm not taking any dents or any other scratches that my boys have put on there. I do have a funny picture to post one of these days. When life throws you lemons, you make lemon aid. Now if it where that simple. I did get sent home from work early because we were very, very slow. Didn't need me today. I think it's time to finish up that studying that I've been doing.

The only call that I did receive, was from Hawaii same one that I had applied to back in July of this year. He called me yesterday and asked if I was still interested in part time work? As of right now I'm not sure if I want it. It's another commute, pay more than likely will suck! Not what I need right now. As it is I'm walking on egg shells with my suv, even though I've had the trany and oil looked at. I'm still good for another 20,000 miles. Just got to change the oil a little more often.

As of right now I'm taking everything in stride. I'm tired, stressed and I'm not liking this whole thing very much. At times I wish I didn't take this darn job. But I had no choice it was either this or go back working at another store. I would rather not. I'm tired of being pushed and knocked around, all I wanted was to be able to afford a new auto, which isn't going to happen this year and I'm sure it will be another three years before I get one. As it is the commute, is stressing me out to no end. C was late for catching the bus on Monday in turn made me 7 min late for work. I don't like the way things are turning out.

There is so much I want to say, but the words and phrases, are just not coming out the way I want them to. I feel overwhelmed and wanting to scream yell and let everyone know that I'm feeling very let down. And if I could change careers right now I would do it. As I've stated I'm almost ready to take the test again for the school dis. That way I know I've got a stable job. I'm sure things will get better it takes time. I have made more than one fresh start this year, so far I've taken each step and made it better. I've taken the bad with the good, enjoyed each gift that has been given to me. Whether it was a weekend retreat or The Women's of Faith Conference. Each one has given me a new hope, to not give up to keep moving forward.

I've beaten myself up in this post, and I know life is full of ups and downs. I'm grateful for the things that I do have. I do have lots of love and respect for those in my life. And being it Friday, I sure do hope my weekend and yours will be a time to enjoy family and friends, to make plans and if it's snowing go out and have a snow ball fight with your kids. We're still in the 80's out here and my allergies are still bothering me. Ugh!

I Give UP!!!!

I'm in a very pissy mood tonight, and it doesn't help that my pay also sucks! I'm to the point of selling my soul to the devil. Any one interested? I've had my fair share of running head to head with a boss that doesn't care how the hell you get treated, only to please clients give me a break will ya! She could go back wherever the hell she came from, because Cali don't need someone as rotten as her! I'm sorry when it comes to min. Wages such as $6.75 and your not getting paid what your worth you might as well quit while your ahead. And yes I'm still looking for a new job either that, or stick it out until I can afford renting my own space. And that's where I'm running into a brick wall. One I don't have enough money or the clientele to actually start my own business. Two I was hoping to wait a few years, before I went on that path just to make sure I had enough money to start up my own business.

So that's where I'm at, stuck between a wall and a rock. Just great!! And we just got one more expensive bill to pay. Just what I wasn't looking forward to. Oh and another thing I need to get my trany in my suv serviced the transmission fluid is turning a purpleish color any darker and it will need to be done sooner than December. Can it get any worse? I hope the hell not! Because if it does I will be punching something. As far as I'm concerned we either need to find a transfer or I really need to be finding a new profession. Any ideas?

Tuesday 10-17
Here's my pet peeves about working out of town, one traffic two the doctors that CH goes to is on the other side of town. So today being the loving wife that I am, after work I head over to the doc's to pick up his prescription. Mind you I'm not the best in parking side to side with two cars on each side of me, I'm so use to backing up and parking. Today of all days, I had to go it was busy. Of course they are doing construction work and I have to go around to get to the entrance. Pulling into the parking lot was simple finding a place to park wasn't so simple while driving very slowly, and watching other cars make fouls of themselves. I've stopped just to see if this car was either going to turn or go forward, what does she end up doing? Hitting me in left side of my bumper she motions me to follower her so we can exchange insurance, and all that good stuff, she then has the nerve of say well it's your fault! And Oh your husbands name is on this suv!?! Excuse the living hell out of me! I said in a very nice tone of voice yes I drive this. And the insurance is in both of our names. I help pay the fing bills just like every working mother out there. Of course I didn't say all those words. I wasn't upset like she was and I was very calm a little shaken up. All I could think of is Oh My God I've been hit! And she is telling me it's my fault? Sorry lady but your bumper marks and tire marks are on my suv. If it were me, that hit her the damage would have been a lot worse.

Make matters even more worse, CH tells me if it was you that hit her well there goes our insurance, just great something else to add to our finance difficulties, not that there is much of one at the moment then again, I still don't have a retirement. So when I got home, I called my insurance back after they had called the house, and this is before I got home and done loving wife good deed of picking up the med. I call our insurance tell them exactly what happen even went to the extent of taking a pic. Now since I'm pretty new to using a camera phone haven't gotten use to saving pictures on it yet. The picture that I did take, I didn't save it and now it's no where to be found! I told the rep. What had happened told him if I was the one that hit her I would've done more damage than just a baseball size dent in her car. As I looked closer her tire marks are on my suv and so is her bra marks from her car is on my suv. If I had hit her with my suv would not be drivable, I've seen what people have done to their auto's. She was coming from my left side, and I was in front. If she was paying attention to her driving instead of her cigarette and turn signal she would have seen I was sitting there waiting for her to make up her blasted mind!

As of right now I'm not doing all that great, I've got one more thing on my mind that keeps playing like a broken record. Not a good thing right now I threw away half of my dinner away tonight and ended up finally crying over this situation. And her telling me it's my fault! When I've got the proof on my suv that it wasn't. The rep asked me if I needed a rental for the dents in my suv? I politely said no I don't it's had it's fair share of dents and other objects thrown it's way. I don't need any repairs. I'm sure the lady in her car will want hers done. Mine just needs a good washing, :D.

To me it's just a auto, I know it can be replaced. Us humans are not replaceable, it's nothing to get mad about it's fixable. She just didn't catch on that I wasn't up set, pissy or in a stark raving, anger fist fighting b@$%# mood. I was very nice, the whole time. She just didn't seem to freaken care, just goes to show that some people care about their f'ing cars than their freaken life!! give me a break! I've got family that cares about me and friends that depend on me, when things seem so out of touch. I go to the one with an open heart and mind, and even though it's been hard to find time to read his word, I know he's always watching me. And if she thinks that I'm a bad driver or younger than what I look so be it! Her marks are on my truck as proof she did it! And I watch her do it! I forgive her for what her thoughts maybe of me. At least no one got hurt, just a little shaken up from it.

I will leave you all with this thought:
One of the most wonderful things about
knowing God is that there's always so much
more to know, so much more to discover.
Just when we least expect it. He intrudes
into our neat and tidy notions about who
He is and how He works.
Joni Eareckson Tada

Thank You To All

This is a big thank you, for all the well wishes that have been sent my way. It's been a harsh week, mixed with back problems and C being switched to a different school, that he had attended the last two years. And having one upset teacher over it hasn't been easy to deal with. There has been a few questions, that have come up along the way, neither one have of them have been answered yet. Sorry it's been a little hair pulling over in my corner.

So here's the answer to the 1st question that, I've not been able to answer and hopefully blogger will be an angel while I upload a pic. This is the little bird that gets caught in the line of fire of a hunter, and since I grew up on a farm they are very common in the country, very seldom you will see these little birds in the city. They are very common to this part of the world, and South America.



Now the answer to the 2nd question, it took about a five days for my back to heal. My second trip to the chiropractor office, his secretary put electrons on my back, left them there for 10 minutes, which helped with my second adjustment. As for my work that evening, I took my time in doing my massages, each client was very understanding. By the time I got home from work, I was tired and a little sore. I should've taken my heating pad with me. It could have been a lot worse, ribs are nothing to mess around with. You learn with time, that you can't rush around and worry over every little thing. It takes time for your body to heal, in my case it took me a while. And I had a few extra hands that helped out.

Okay that's enough, of my soap box talk! So what was it that CH was talking about? That's right. I was invited to a Women's of Faith Conference and concert all in one. I had such a good time. It's not often that I've gone to something like this, The gals from my church go once a year. Next year it's going to be in the Bay Area, we're not going the traffic is a lot worse than going to Sac. I wasn't even planning on going, I had totally forgot that this past weekend was the Conference, I was planning on going shopping with my handsome boys. (Remember I've got three):D, So how did I end up with a ticket to such an event? I walked C to his classroom and being it p.j. day I came home picked up his p.j.'s and went back. K had a bit of surprise for me, that I didn't even know about. She asked if I had any plans for this weekend I said not that I know of except for some shopping. I didn't let on that I had that to do. Well now you do, the gal that was suppose to go, her Asthma has been serve and couldn't make it to the Conference. So I ended up going in her place. So I called CH told him that I was invited to this Women's of Faith Conference, and K will be picking me up in the morning. He didn't mind, he was glad that I went and so was I.

After one hell of a week, I guess you can say we both needed a spiritual lift. We've been dealing with a lot. She has been losing sleep over this situation, and even though she knows it's out of her hands, and it's my child that I'm dealing with. She got so use to having him there in her classroom always giving her hugs, smiling with his blue eyes. It's hard to let go of any child, when you've worked so hard in getting him back on track. It only took her nine days, of work but it was worth all the energy that she had to get him to learn. My Saturday was spent laughing, crying and singing and just having a good time. We both realized we needed this badly. There were about 10 of us from our church that went, there were so many other churches there from all over the state. Some came as far as Nevada to be there, it was such a blessing to be invited. I wasn't even going to attend, I didn't even ask to go because I've missed a few bible study classes and the money was due back in July. So I didn't even ask, there has been so much going on. That it just skipped my mind. Each speaker was amazing there are no words to describe the energy that was flowing through the building it was awesome.

One of the highlights of the Conference was Dr. Phil had walked his wife off stage. The crowed just went crazy everyone was cheering, clapping and standing obviations. And by the way he does have a bald spot right on the top of his head. She has a book out I didn't buy it, there will be other chances to buy it, her book I'll pick up at a book store or borrow it from someone that went with us. So it's not something I have to have. I've got enough reading material to last me for quite a while. From my bible study class, to studying for a test that I really need to think about taking again since I didn't pass it the first time around. I don't know which way my path will go. I know I'm not in control of it, I've got to keep moving forward. Look back and say I've done all that I could, and learn from it.

I did let K know that he was doing really well, at the school he attended for the last two years. I know it's not easy for any parent or teacher that loves kids. She felt relieved when I told her that he did really well yesterday, before bible study had started she felt relieved. Even though it's not easy for any of us, right now I'm praying for changes I'm also know it's not easy to change things. This school district can not continue to do what they are doing to students and their parents.

It's funny how life can bring you to different events, that you don't know what to do about. And for me, I'm happy that I got to enjoy a Conference, and my first Concert that I've ever been to. The name of the group that was there, was Avalon. Let me just say they are one awesome Christian group. I couldn't go in the past due to work, school and this year, was just a sweet unknowing blessing. For some reason I needed to be there, and god saw a way of me going. And I'm glad that I went, a day with no kids. There were a few babies, that must have been a few months old. It was a good day.

As many of you know it's also Breast Cancer awareness Month, this means us women get our breast check. I know many of us will say yah I'll do it when I get older. Or I'll do it when I have the time. Or I'll get them check when the kids are at school. Or the big one. I'll do it when I find a change. I'm sorry to say there are a lot of young ladies out there that are coming up with breast cancer, the youngest so far 18 yrs old. I've been through mammograms, needle biopsies, and surgeries. And doesn't change the fact that I still check every month. I've done myself exam for this month. So next month I'll check myself and if I find anything, I'll give a call to my doctors. I still have one more surgery later this year, or the beginning of next and I'll be very happy to have it finally done. I'm praying that I don't have to go through any more needle biopsies, I will continue my breast exams. If you know of someone that is a survivor, let them know that you are thinking of them. And if you are at that age or know someone that should get their breast check, there are programs that will give free breast examinations.

I know this is an overwhelming post, and it's taken me a while. I've been a little on my back again today I'm not sure what is going on. I know that taking time off of work is hard to do. I've received a memo at work stating that we are not allowed to call work just say I'm not coming in today, because I'm not feeling well. So I know I've really got to start back to studying again, so I can get the benefits that I need and take time off of work when the kids have a day off. The only thing I've got to worry about is having a baby sitter at hand just for that reason. Hopefully every one that comes across my place will have a good week. Again thank you for the well wishes and the funny comments, and no it wasn't from lifting any of CH's hunting mags. He's a good sport though.

Got The Day Off :(

Life is already complicated enough around here, so what happens when you find yourself, waking up at 2:00 a.m. with pain running, from your left side of your back to your left arm. Some how between Sat, and Sun. I must have either slept wrong or moved the wrong way. I've missed a day of work due to 2 ribs rubbing against one another. Talk about painfull I slept with the heating pad on, now I'm sitting up with a ice pack between my shoulder blade and upper back. It was pretty painful, short on breath and barley move. I stretched it out some before I left the house, that didn't work. So I put a call into my Chiropractor, they got me this morning he popped them back into place told me to stay as still as possible. Now wait a minute, your telling me to take it easy!?!

For those who know me well enough that's, impossible I mean I could if I knew how. So I called CH after I took care of taking a note to work, because of the swelling that is on that part of my back. I can't even get a massage because I'm in so much pain. My co-worker looked at me and said, well looks like you will be down for a day or two. Only until Wednesday morning, I'll be back that evening. My other co-worker said how can you push two ribs out of place? Easy sleep wrong, move the wrong way, Even sneezing can push them out of place. It's the two on the back that are near the shoulder blades. And they hurt so bad! It was really hard for me to breath even taking a deep breath in was painful enough. So my Chiropractor pushed them back where they belong, so here I am with a ice pack and being board. Kept me awake for a while last night, getting into the shower this morning I ended up yelling because of the pain. I felt bad because CH was sleeping, and I woke him up because of the pain that I was in.

I've already took a long nap already today, so now I'm just sitting here. Not doing much, of course I've thought of all the evil things that I could be doing like the laundry, the dishes from last nights birthday, folding the clothes that have need to be put away. Then being the angel that I'm suppose to be. I took the docs advice and took it easy today. There is always tomorrow, and since tomorrow is my regular day off. Hopefully the swelling will be down enough to get one bedroom done and the laundry folded.

Hopefully I can post a pic of J's birthday cake, that I got him for his birthday. I didn't let him see it until we put the candles on it. And no I didn't make it, it was bought out of town. Even my in-laws liked my choice of cake, and if one more freaking hunting catalog comes through the mail I'm going to scream! I've had #6 come in and the xams catalog will be the last to be shipped unless CH gets another hard cover catalog from Cabela's, again. I'm going now, yes I'm hoping for a quick recovery. Here's to a good week.

What A Week!

As many of you have read CH's post, from earlier this week, it just got more interesting to say the least. After putting C back on the his regular meds that was second perscribed by his first counsler. We have seen a big improvement, that has been a big relief to everyone around us. We still haven't told C about the new school yet, of course those that knows, has let it slip of the tongue. One being my ex-co-worker from the store that I use to work at. She didn't know that we hadn't said any thing yet. She couldn't believe what the teacher had said, for those that have read me for a while have known the stuff that I've been through and knowing that I've been pulled in every direction. It's not easy to be Mom, Teacher, Friend, C.M.T, Sister and Wife. There hasn't been a moment this week where I have not shed a tear. I've had C on my lap and cried with him carried him, and craddled him even though he is very heavy. I know that is not good for my back, it's the best that I can do in this tough situation. C's resourse teacher stopped by the house on Tuesday night, I had explained to K on Monday after our bible studdy that C doesn't want to return back to school, so on Tuesday she stopped by after another mishap at school.

I understand that we have had a difficult time with C, here is the out come on Tuesday at school. C got out of hand sometime Tuesday morning, he ended up kicking his aid, which ended with teacher losing his temper yelled C and said he was going to a school for bad boys. C came home from school madder than hell. I asked what happen as heartfelt as I could he told me what the teacher had said. He looked at me and started crying because, we both know how upsetting this has been. It's one thing to lose control, but to tell a child that has so much going against him, it's not easy we've been down this road for the last two years, and no one has given us a complete answer as to what the hell is going on with our son. To make matters worse I had a teacher call me to apologized for losing his temper with C. It took a resourse teacher to come to my house. K is plan B, take C if and when he cannot handle a regular classroom setting. She saw some of the things that C does, one is hitting himself for no appearent reason. She took one look at both of us and said what just happened? We told her we don't know, it's one of his mind things that we cannot figure out.

Sure he gets excited when someone comes to visit, but Tuesday night was very much a blessing. We showed K the school we are looking into which is 25 miles away from here in a very small farming town. They have the tools that are needed from Family counsling and is in a restirctive invorment. Here's where it gets a little complicated since C, is doing so well in K's classroom, and the school that we live next to has already said we don't want him here. And if by some chance that he gets kicked out of school where are we to go next? We are praying this doesn't happen. All I've ever wanted was for our boys to strive, in their learning, no matter how long it takes them to get something right. I praise them, just to let them know that they are doing a good job. Of course C thinks he can go to the store, and buy a toy for doing such a good job. Not exactly what I want to do every night after the home work is done. As soon as I get a little extra cash, I'll be making a trip to the store without C, so I can pick up a few prizes just to keep in my closet in the bedroom so he doen't know that I have it. While out shopping over the weekend I picked up a few toys that caught is interest, which K took home with her, and uses them in the classroom, each morning he goes in and has twenty minutes of free play. C likes this better than going on the playground with the other kids. It's way too noisy for him. He can not handle too much noise, he starts covering his ears.

Usually this is my time to read and just to mediate on things, pray that our boys are doing fine in school. And since it's still been nice outside, and my truck needed a good cleanup. I've got time, C is half day of kinder. looked at the clock realized I had enough time to wash and clean the windows. Just about the time I was getting to the rims and wheels, my phone starts ringing, and I pick it up. It's the middle school where J attends. The office is calling me to pick up J from school. for a moment I thought it was about C then it clicked it's J's school. Mind you I've had a bad week dealing with teachers that don't understand what it's like to have a child that can't control his actions, to having a teacher that has gone out of her way to help in every which way she can. And now I've got another school on the line, she informs J had tripped and fell, landed on his left wrist. She had asked if I was able to pick J up. Thank goodness I had just finished getting all the soap and was in the middle of drying my truck when she called. I call CH told him what had happened, he came with us. By the time we left the minor injory clinic, I called my work told them my situation they gave me the night off. And it's a good thing they did, between a busy afternoon in the injoury clinic and getting x-rays done J is now wearing a bright green cast on his arm. And a bridge opening there was no way I could make it to work.

Yes I've been through a lot this week, just as I thought that I was going to go to work come home to a quiet house and all of a sudden bam!! I got hit with another event. J was in a lot of pain, his wrist was swollen, and it didn't look good. I asked him if he needed anything he said no. You take the bad with the good, thankfully it was only his wrist and not anything else.

As for my job search I took my test, for the school district I didn't pass it. I do have a few more shots in taking it over again, so I'm going to study hard and find a book that deals with test taking so I will be fresh and ready to aim high. I still don't understand why all of a sudden another career move, no one has the answer at the moment. I'm sure in due time it will be more of a clear picture. In the mean time have a safe and wonderful weekend. I have the house to myself. :D

This has been in the family for years. It was always hanging in the kitchen, next to the front door. Every day I would glance at it not really sure, what to make of it
until recently. It was the first thing that I brought home, after my mom had past. Instead of hanging it in the kitchen, I've got it hanging in the living room between our boys pictures. Above the fire place, I guess you can say it's been a prayer that I've turned to, when I can't seem to focus on anything else. I have many others, but this one seems to be the most fitting at the moment. I really don't feel like, having someone bash me over the head. No I haven't given up hope, there is no way we've come too far and done so much for C. That I would just curl up in a ball and fall to sleep right next to him.

May God Grant me the
Serenity to accept the
things I cannot change,
The Courage to Change the
things I can; And the wisdom
To know the difference.

A Lot Has Happened

Oh were to begin? I know it's been a while since I've said anything. Kids are doing well, a few quirks with C again! A never ending battle, not something that I would wish on anyone at the moment. I got a call from CH, you need to call the school, oh great! He's done worse and now C's stuck in the office waiting for me. Well not exactly. So how fast was I driving and where was I coming from? Had to get my neck and back worked on again. Same problem that I had back in the winter, so I went back for a second adjustment. Chiropractor put me back together again, asked how many pillows I sleep with? Two? Why? There's my problem I sleep with too many pillows at night and that is my foul up with my neck. I'll find a pillow that works one of these days. So back to C, I get the phone from CH do you have the number to the school? No not in my phone, so I pull off get the number from him, I call it for some reason it's not working for me. Either I've written it down wrong and I try to remember the number to the school, that didn't work so. He calls the teacher and she calls me. Where are you? How fast can you get here? I'm just outside of town tell her my location. The next thing she knew I'm already at the stop light waiting for it to turn green. As for my speed it would have been a major ticket KNOCK-ON-WOOD!! There was not one of those guys anywhere to be seen except on my way home. That's enough speeding for this chicky can't afford one of those at the moment.

C's teacher walks him to the office, big mistake on his part he didn't follow our rule of C he is to be sent directly to K's classroom when he gets out of control not the office. He'll either get sent home, kicked out of school and I'm the one that has to pick him up. Not exactly what I need at the moment. So I walk in the office the principle isn't too pleased well it's their damn fault they knew what they were getting into. Hell serves them right if they lose my son as a student, K doesn't want that, he is doing well in his studies. His behavior isn't pleasing the school at the moment. Their actions haven't, set well with us since Pre-K. What the hell do they expect a miracle with C? I don't see that happening. So after signing in at the office I walk over to the classroom were C is he's sitting there doing his work like a good boy. Well see how that lasts. K informs me we have an I.E.P coming up a week from Monday.

I've also got to think about putting him half day of kinder, and wait until next year to put him full day next school year. If C can't behave himself this year what the hell, how the hell is he going to make it through a full day of 1st grade. Apparently they aren't holding him back, he will be 6 in another month. Unlike his older brother he can do kinder work and is coming along with his studies. So he's got a good chance of making it to 1st grade. The only thing that is stopping him of making sure he stays all day is his behavior. Which is causing a lot of problems both here at home and at school and I'm not even sure how to fix it. I've tried time outs, taking things away from C. Nothing seems to work.

So How am I holding up? I haven't gotten to the point of crying, I can't there is too much going on, too many things need my attention. And I'm not letting it all get to me. I'm praying more my patience is half full and getting fuller with each passing day. As long as I'm reading keeping clear thoughts and not letting every little thing bother me I'm doing better. C's got a teacher that's going farther and beyond to what other teachers would go through.

As for J, he's coming along just fine. Has a little more homework this year, than last. Nothing too major. He's got science, history with the ususal Reading and writing and math. I love science which is right up my ally. Loved it in school and still love it today. He's got someone that knows what he's learning about and that helps a lot. He's also finally learning to read it may take him longer, but he's getting it.

As for my job, it's there. Not even close to home, which sucks. I've had to dip into my retirement savings for gas this last time. So we don't get overdrawn in our regular family account. Not good, sometimes I wonder if I should have gone to business school instead. (okay that was so negative of me). I'm sorry I'm just having a hard time accepting the fact, even though I'm so good at what I do. When your struggling to make ends meet and your auto starts acting up, and you so afraid that it might leave you stranded. It's time to really think about what is more important. Maybe I can find a job that is willing to train me better in computers, since I know how to answer phones and take messages. I've learned how to do that while working at a pizza parlor years ago and still do. I'm so ready to take a leap of faith, and if it wasn't for the house work that needs my attention I would travel to Sac. To look for that kind of a job.

Of Course I did apply at my local school district, haven't heard anything yet. I know it will take a while. At least it's a start, in the right direction. I think part of it is. I'm wanting to get my own place, where I can do my own massages and just be able to say this is truly mine. It will be years before I can do that, at least I can dream and not get too mad over it. Just like I was so hoping for a new auto, which is going to have to wait until we know for sure that this will work out. I'm one that doesn't give up, always looking for a new way of making things work. And if it means being away from my boys at night and keeping the window cracked and a radio blaring then, that's what I will have to do. In the meantime I will look for a new job and hopefully one with a 401k, and one that is willing to train. I'm more than likely asking for too much. We'll have to see.

I've been working on this post, since last Thursday. Here it is Monday, on my way to and from work flags have been set, half staff for those who lost loved ones. Local cemetery also had theirs set at that level, fire departments as well. Even though for some may not be working today others seem to have a job to do. Mine is to heal and bring peace to those who seem to need it most. And if I must leave what I love so be it. I'm not alone in setting up my dreams, I believe that god can be the opener of many doors.

Really Short

Sorry but this is going to be a really short post. We did get the results on C. He has ADHD, not Autism or Aspergers I think that's how you spell it. After two years and five doctors later the answer is now a clear picture. We can get him the help he needs, I've got a special ed teacher helping me with a visual chart. I don't have the right programs that can do this. She said it would take about two weeks to get it set up. What a blessing! To know we're going to get the help he needs. I've been very tired lately, due to so much going on. And wondering when we would find someone to give us the right answer. When I got home Thursday afternoon I had 5 messages, from counselors to the school I.E.P coordinator. We talked about both boys. J was to receive an aid this year. Due to the teachers not recording his difficulties in his classes they didn't put in the request for this year. Until this past week, they are now doing what they were suppose to do. I'm also getting pretty fed up being a C.M.T. (that will wait until I can get a clearer picture on how things are to be at this job. I hate to start a new career path, were I'm to be led to next).

Today I've been slept in until 9 a.m. which is pretty late for me. I can't do that tomorrow I have to be at work by 10 a.m. and won't get off until around 5 p.m. Other wise I'm doing good, it's been a busy week and hopefully I can post again on how things will turn out. In the meantime I'm going Dove Hunting with the boys.

Can I Scream Now!!

Is screaming allowed in city limits? Or will I have the police knocking on my door for disturbing the peace? I'm not about to find out though, events it seems like a damn good idea at the moment. As CH has explained my hours suck, the pay good and I'm fighting sleep on my way home from work. Can't work days just for the reason C has done it again! Only Ch doesn't know that C tried to bite his helper thats working with him. And thank god for her quick thinking got him into a tight bear hug and held him until K could get over to them. He was really good last week, no problems. Except for yesterday, C had a melt down. No one is sure what caused it. The only guesses I could come up with is, he's not use to having so many kids around him at one time. C was brought straight to the classroom the first three days of school which got him familuar with his surroundings. This week he is to be left and play on the play ground, so today I decided to leave the house a few minutes before the bell rings for school start. So if your wondering, why I'm leaving the house right before school is starting? It's very simple our house is exactly five houses away from the school, so I hear all the yelling, whistle blowing, and bell ringing from our house. It's walking distance from home and I don't have to deal with no parking around the area. I'm not like the rest of the parents who are struggling to find a freakin place to park! I'm not about to fight for a parking spot. And yes I will be walking in the cold. It would be useless to drive, and getting even more of a workout, after I drop and pick up C from school.

While I was sitting in the office this morning, I overheard someone talking about putting full day kinder back to half day. All the fighting I've done so far to get him the help he needs and there are a lot of special need students this year. And now they are talking about maybe switching it back!?! Who the hell do they think they are dealing with here? I will not stand for this school district or any district to promise me one thing and turn around and do what they think is best! If this does happen I can assure you I will find a way of getting C transported out of this school district. And I could care less how much they are losing in money they, should have thought about that before they went all day. I haven't gotten my TB test done just for the fact, I don't know how things are going to go.

As much as I wanted to yell at K for taking him on at their school, they knew about this they knew it could happen. And yet they put him at this school, thinking that he will be older and still putting him and his student helper at risk, both of them could have gotten hurt. She did explain to me that they are going to change his studies while in school, so they can see where his weaknesses are and how to get him back on track again. She explained to me that she will not be getting the training she needs until October, after all we had the I.E.P meeting 4 months ago and they were suppose to have their training done before school started back up again. Is this normal? They had high hopes for C, to me it's just another unsure path.

The 4 weeks of summer school he did well, He had a few grey areas. We got them taken care of he worked well within his abilities. If he had more schooling or someone to teach I and CH how to handle C better when he had his melt downs, I'm sure I wouldn't have huge knots in my shoulders from holding my breath for so long. And I wouldn't have K calling me with a sad report and having to lash out, when I got the news. Yes I'm very much emotionally drained as I'm typing this. As much as I wanted to take a damn nap today. I was waiting for a counselor to call me she will be seeing C starting next Monday I'm meeting with her on Thursday morning. I've had one hell of a day.

Our oldest doesn't have a student aid either, they are still trying to find someone to help him. Just another bump in the road with this school district! Yes I'm already fed up with everyone that works here. It doesn't pay to stay in a small town and what's really sad is all of the money is tied up in Sac. For their needs and we get nothing!! But a sticky mess and not sure which way the tide will either be in my favor or it's going up river.

I know this is not what everyone wanted to read, when you've been handed a lemon the best thing you can do is make lemonade, that is pretty much what I have been doing. Until we get every test done on C. I'll be glad when we finally get answers that we need so we can give him the proper help and schooling that he needs. Right now we're all just trying different sensory actvities to see what works and what doesn't and go from there. And I do understand this is all new to him, give him a chance before we start making more mistakes with him.

As I'm writing this, I'm starting to fall asleep. I have had my nerves tested and tried today. And the best thing for me is sleep. As for my new job, it's good there is still a few kinks that need to be worked out, it does take time to adjust and get comfortable in. It's only the second full week and so far I'm trading hours with someone or I'm working for someone else, because it was too late for them to take the time off of work. So I'm happy to do it, I'm not complaining just means I should be able to accumulate the hours I need for my surgery, sometime this fall. Hopefully they haven't forgotten.

Okay that's about enough, of venting for one night. I'm going to turn in and go to bed I'm tired my eyes are starting to hurt and just want some sleep. Keep us in your thoughts when you have a few moments. And I will be doing the same.

Feel Like Crying

I had a bad night, couldn't get my massages to flow. Too much pressure leaving the house late getting there five min. Before I clocked in, not exactly the way I wanted to start my new job off! It was such a rocky night that I just wanted it to end. I felt like, I was being told how to do one massage because the client was the owner of a dealer ship, and he's had tons of massages. I felt very unenergized the rooms were freaken cold! Which didn't help, either. My whole sequence just didn't flow like it usually does. I'm so not a happy camper today.

Didn't get much sleep either that didn't help. Too many pets being in the bed room F-I-l's dog is staying with us, until they get back from vacation. My cats didn't get much sleep either they pretty much felt like Buddy had invaded their sleep space. Thank goodness CH was awake when I got off of work we talked until I was halfway home. I feel like clients, expect us to be the greatest things in life! Sure I love what I do and I'm not saying I'm bad at what I do, it's going to take sometime getting use to doing more than at my previous job. I'm sure this will pass that I've found what works for me. I was asked if I knew hot stone massage and to say no I don't I feel that my work isn't good enough and it hurts.

As I'm writing this I'm crying I'm hurting. My sprite is slowly breaking, I have so much to do and I just had to vent a little. Sorry such a short post but right now I just had to get it off of my chest, I'm still human and I know that life is full of challenges and I know this is a new job, it will take sometime to adjust and what works and what doesn't.

Thank goodness I have a boss that understands, my weakness, my strength. And is willing to work with me. We did talk this morning she understands that most of us has had a few jobs that hasn't required a two hour massage. I've been told that is too long of a massage and to think of other things to do and when you've got a client that wants deep pressure and I give a firm pressure, she knew that when she hired me. She loves my work and personality, I guess that a plus for me.

I'm going to go now and see if I can't get myself together before this afternoon. Please all I ask of my readers is to send good karma my way. I'm going to need it!

No Shoes No Shirts No Problem

I've been wanting a title like that, for a while now. If it were our 5 yr old writing this he would say: No Shoes, No Shirts, No Underwear No Problem! Mine would be No cell, No t.v., No computer No problem. Can you tell I had such a good time? And one Are we there yet? coming from the back seat behind me! and no, J and C did not sleep on the way there, they stayed awake the entire trip to Tahoe. I couldn't believe it myself, a 4 hour drive with no sleepy kids. A few stops along the way, and a portable t.v. game boys, the only thing they didn't do was sleep!?! It was so nice to get away, the smell of pine trees, and good clean air. And houses that sat near the water. Which was a sign we were nearing our destination, of Rest and Relaxation! And a few glitches along the way....Can't have a vacation without some of those. Plenty of books for me to read, which I forgot to pack some for J and C, to read and to look at. We were in such a hurry to get out of here that I forgot them. By the time I realized it was already too late, by that time CH had remembered his cell phone. HaHaha! yes thats me laughing, I said you don't need it any way. Okay so maybe he did need it only to call his sister to ask her, where's the cheapist gas station? not exactly one around here since most are no longer cheap.

It's an amazing place to stay or to live which ever you perfer. At times I would love to live, work, and play there, then again I wouldn't enjoy the drive in the snow not something I'm ready to venture in doing. It's a place where you have so many things to do. It's one of our favorite spots to take J and C to without leaving them behind, the cabin is set among lots of trees and a few log houses, some stay all year long others rent their places out for those to get away from it all. The drive is so breath taking, one of my favorite houses along the main road has wood carved bears one is hanging on a rafter of the house the other is looking into a bedroom window, makes me laugh every time I see it. I haven't stopped to take pictures of it. Most of the houses and cabins are either sitting near Lake Tahoe, or up above on hills over looking the water.

We arrived saftly to the cabin only to notice, strange markings on the window frames. One of the things that they do have are a lot of bears and deer up in the northern areas. There was plexy glass over the windows on both doors, while Ch and the kids checking the outside I was looking for anything that would detail what had happen from last year. I found it, two notes saying it was "unbearable" so we looked for another note saying that a bear had tried to break into the cabin, eariler in the year. Last year I don't know if ch had posted about joking with the boys about seeing a bear while we where eating breakfast. This year it wasn't a joking matter, there was an actual bear sighting in the neighborhood. We didn't take a hike around the creek, that is not far from the cabin, like we had done last year. We did have a good time. Rafting down the Truckee River, looking at fish that you can feed from a foot bridge, it was a lot fun.

One of the coolest things about Tahoe, is it's not far for my sibiling and dad to come it's a lot closer than coming all the way into Cali so, we invited my family to come for a visit. My brother and family sent their regards and said they felt bad about not being able to make it. My sister E said she couldn't make it because of work her daughter couldn't come because it was her dads weekend to have her. My step mother had to work so she couldn't make the trip. My dad was the only one that could make the 7 hour drive from Ut. I felt bad that none of them could make it, I also know the reasons why my brother and his family couldn't make it. I have a nephew that is recovering from cancer treatments and is doing well. He has his moments but is coming along just fine.

This is my dad's second trip to Cali this time, a short weekend for him. He arrived late on Friday afternoon, I couldn't remember the exact color of the suv he was driving but I knew what both types of license plates they have. It was dark when my sister had showed me his suv, I had called him and he was having his tire fix in Reno and would be leaving shortly. So we waited around for him at a gas station, we got board so took a drive around Donner Lake. There were a few houses for sale over looking the lake each one was different no two were alike. Oh the dreams of owning something like that. Or running my own business out of one. For now I'm fine were I'm at. So we drove farther up on old hwy 40 which by the way the view from a vista point it's an awsome few, you could look down and see Donner Lake and houses. One of many creations that is breath taking. So we got back onto the road head down back the montain. So it's been a little over an hour since I had last called him, so I called him again, we had passed him on a major high way. I explained to him which exits to take and he should have no problems meeting us.

We did meet up finally, I road with him back to the cabin. He couldn't believe how beautiful it was. I told him this was nothing to compare what he we would look at tomarrow. We had a good talk, on the way to the cabin. I'm just like my dad, quiet don't say much. He's always been that way, from what I've heard from my sibilings they said he's been that way since they were born. Unless there was stuff that needed to be said. J got to meet him while we were living in the city and when we moved he hasn't been out since. Always saying he needs to come but doesn't.

So when we made the arrangments for the cabin I had asked if, all or any of them would be able to make the trip out. My dad was the only one that could make it out. Even though it was a short visit it was nice for both boys to get to know their grandfather. My niece would have come with him, if it wasn't her dad's weekend to have her. My brother was a little upset that he couldn't come out with him due to family issues and work, he would like to know when we will be doing this again? I explained to my dad that we do this once a year, we make the request months ahead of time that way we have access to it. I'm sure hoping this could turn into a yearly thing for him. I'll have to wait and see.


One of my disappointing moments on this trip, is eating a big breakfast. And you think by now, I would learn my lesson about skipping meals. I'm the type that can't skip a meal. The out come is a huge headech and in the bath room, praying to the procline god, which lasts for at least a good three hours before I can eat anything again. It was about 7:00p.m. before I returned to normal, I was very upset with myself because I didn't get to one of my favorite spots on Lake Tahoe. Emerald Bay is my all time favorite the water is such a deep greeen I love the color of it. I also want my next auto in this color. I should also mention that this was not my first headech on this holiday it was my 4th. My allergies was acting up while there, I can take two capsules and I'm fine for 5 days oh no! that was not the case this time. Every time that I would wake up in the morning, I had upper sinus pressure it wouldn't have it so bad if my nose would have bled. I may not like the sight of blood, it would have been better than having sinus pressure. If you look closely there is a castle that has been on the Island in the middle of the Lake I love this pic.


We had good enjoyable weather, a sweatshirt in the evening. Played a few games C beat us at playing yahtzee. I might have to look and see if we even have that game around. Wouldn't be a bad game to play as a family, when someone pipes up and says I'm bored!!

Writer's Block

I was asked by CH to write a hot post, like I've done earlier this year. As the days nights went I got caught up in reading, a book that I had bought. Which by the way is a very good one. I've bought myself two new books to read, and a third which has been sitting in the closet for three years. You may have heard of this set The Purpose Driven Life, got the double set as an xmas gift. It's unwrapped unused and collecting dust. I've written the post, my heart wasn't in it, for some reason. I may end up deleting it and start a new when my heart is ready. It took me exactly three days to come up with a hot post, and I'm afraid it will be needing some fine tuning done to it. I started it on paper and not on the computer, I knew that I would end up deleting it over and over. I know it's not good to waist paper either. When you've got writers block what can you do? In the end praying that your loved one that is working nights gets home safely. And that is what I have been doing.

After two weeks of hell, I'm happy to be leaving on vacation on Wednesday morning. We've already started packing on Sunday J and C are excited about going knowing, this will be their only trip away from home before school starts on the 23rd. That will be a busy week for all of us, I will be starting my new job full time, working two mornings three nights per week and every other weekend off. That will be perfect for us to do what we want on the weekends and no more hassles with not knowing if I have to work. It's going to be pretty nice.

And since every one has or hasn't read, I've been approved for the breast reduction, this coming fall and it's going to be done around the holidays. I was kind hoping for after the holidays, I'll take whatever they can give me, no complaints here. Except maybe recovery time, and the scares which by now I don't care, I've got enough to last me a life time. So what's a few more? For me it will be better and hopefully the lumps will stop coming back year after year. I will continue all breast exams and if anything comes up I will see my doctor. It will mean no more bra straps digging into my shoulders, and around my breast area. As the time comes nearer I will inform my new employer on what is going on right now I'm enjoying, being a sister, mom, wife, friend and massage therapist. What can I say, I'm all those combined into one happy, healthy and spiritual, loving person. I wouldn't change what I've done and accomplished. For this is who I am.

So what will I be doing on vacation? A little bit of fishing. CH bought me a new fishing pole while out shopping, kind bit into him until he said it was mine. Exact words "don't you have enough of those hanging in the garage"? He looked at me well if you really don't want it that's fine save me some money. On second thought I'll take it! Either way I'll take a pic of my new fishing pole, hell I might just tease my brother with my new set up. . Yes I know I'm rotten, it's not often that a gal gets her own new fishing pole and thanks to F-I-L for putting new fishing line on it. I can't wait to try it out.

I'll be doing some reading and lots of it, we're taking a few movies for the kids to watch along with books and game boys. C was wanting to leave today sorry child I don't think so! Moms got to work so does dad, we still need to pack. C kinda looked at me and said well since daddy is working can't we go by ourselves? We have the key! Me thinks C is ready to leave. Sorry child it's not going to happen. Tomorrow will be a busy one, soo many places to stop and shop. By the time we are done I'm going to be toast. Let you on a little secret I hate shopping!

And yes we will be taking the lap top with us only to down load pics from camera to photo album and ready to be blogged when we get back. And if I'm lucky I'll be the first to catch a fish. Unless J and C beat me to it, We'll just have to wait and see. I'm hoping to bring home some fish to eat. Yumm! And if any one knows some good recipes for trout send them my way. I've got one in the freezer my F-I-L brought home from his latest fishing trip.

It's late and I need some sleep. I've been up since 6:00 a.m., and I've got to do it all over again tomorrow. I'll be taking a six day break from blogging. It will be nice to be away from computers and phones for six days only to turn it on for service in some areas other wise mine will be off I doubt CH will be turning his off. Anyways I'm off to bed.

I'm Still Around

Yes I'm still here, things have bit crazy since, CH has been working nights. And it's been hell on wheels with C, who doesn't like his daddy being gone at night. If any one can relate to having a child, that doesn't like a change in routines please, feel free to give me any little advice that is positive. We still eat as a family, give C, baths I still read to both boys. The problems that I'm running into is activities for him to do. School is in 13 days, and counting. Our family vacation is in one week from this coming Tuesday. And I've had a house full of neighbor's kids, there's only two out of the bunch, that I will have over anytime. I know their mom since I worked at the store, and had a few problems with her son. Which have now been resolved he knows the rules, and is pretty good most of the time. His sister is very nice, makes sure her brother sticks to the rules. I know that summer can take a toll on kids. I'm just not sure what to do with both of them, for the 13 days left of summer. In the meantime, I'm keeping watch over our two boys, and finding sometime to read while they are in bed sleeping.

I'm also working on another sexy post, not exactly like the one that I wrote back in earlier this year. But has some what a sexy plot. That is all for now. Good Night.

The Game

In playing along with O272 and my Hubby, this is my contribution. If you look closely you wil see where my bra strap is digging into my back and shoulders. That is a huge part of the reason for my breast reduction surgery. If I continue to put off having surgery done, my left shoulder will become more forward than where it is supposed to be. I can feel the weight being heavier on my left than on my right.

Yes that is my tan lines from my bathing suit, shows how much time I've been spending in the pool with our boys.

Summer and Jobs

Here's my pic for the month of July. It seems as though summer days are about to come to an end for us. We have one family vacation coming up next month, I'm pretty excited about it. It's been a year since I've seen my dad and he hasn't seen our oldest in a long time. I've sent him pics of our youngest. L hasn't seen him yet. It's tough when your about two states away, and even though we live so far away I still call him, just to see how every one is doing. This pic is one of my favorites I took it the day before the 4th. They didn't have any summer school, they were up early to catch the bus. I said to both of them, they could sleep any time they wanted to, or go play outside with the dog. They all crashed so hard even the dog didn't realize I was at the door taking this pic! When they got up again, they played some more, I didn't catch C and Buddy on his own bed asleep with the dog. Ch came home from work to change and asked if I knew that C and Buddy we're on the bed sleeping? I said no, I was busy doing things around the house. I knew something was up because, I didn't hear any fighting during the day. When Buddy stayed with us he was very well behaved. Of cores he didn't listen to chi he ignored him totally I would tell him to lay on his bed he would do it. CH would shake his head, I would start laughing. F-I-l would say the same thing, then again there were times when Buddy didn't want to listen to any one. As for my two cats, they didn't mind him being here as long as Buddy didn't bark. They could careless if there was a dog, in their house. All three got along fine. Buddy will be staying with us when his master goes on another vacation next month, while the boys are in school. No playmates for him, unless you call the family cats playmates! Since this was my fist summer not working a single night I have somewhat enjoyed being home, then again my paychecks have not been very good. I've taken the bad with the good. My first part of my summer. I didn't have to deal with any neighborhood kids, it was so nice having both kids gone from the house. I'm afraid to say our boys are getting, to the point of being board. Which isn't good since they have three weeks and three days to go before school starts. At least they weren't entirely board, they both enjoyed summer school while it lasted. C wanted to return to summer school, he loves the structure of school. I did try to persuade him for me to teach him. It was a little big kid NO!! So I didn't force the issue. Right now I'm teaching oldest how to read, it's not easy. He needs this extra push. So when he does return to school, he will not have so much trouble with his reading.

As for my job issue it has been resolved, I'm not saying I've quit looking. I've actually had three interviews and the third one was the charm of all three. Even though I would have loved to have gone to Hawaii for training and learning the ropes in my career field. I figured it would not happen. I've let it go. Unless by some chance he would call me back for a second interview. I haven't heard, no hard feelings. It wasn't meant to be. I have more than enough training under my belt, it would be nice to continue my education, for now I'm happy where I have been led to. The Lord knows what is best for me. For that I am thankful. Today I had my second interview, after the first one was a week ago yesterday, I had an interview which, she had thought was on Monday. She called to see why I didn't show up. I explained to her that she said that Tuesday was a better day. Both of us work and I usually have a few clients on Mondays. She apologized for making the mistake and she would see me on Tuesday, I don't think she meant to do this. She had not one but two interviews going on at the same time. Mine was pretty straight forward, I couldn't be a sales person if my life could save me. And she was interviewing for that one. She asked if I was okay working every weekend? I'm sorry but I've got two boys and every other weekend would work for my family. All three of them just looked me. Hey I'm not as young as you think I am. It's a good thing I keep my thoughts to myself and learned to not give your age.

So today I had my second part of the interview, this is the part that either gets you the job or they will think about giving you a chance. It's not an easy process I did land the job, she couldn't believe how well I draped her, and asked if she was feeling good. And if she needed anything? You know it's good that I was taught stuff like that. You don't know what's going to happen, while your working. I start work around the 11th of August, she wants to meet with every one that she has hired around the 8th of August. I'm pretty excited. I don't know about my hours yet, until the day of the meeting. 35 miles round trip it's not that bad, it's working in a very populated area, I'm looking forward in working there. I'm just proud of myself for landing a job that has room to grow, and maybe someday I'll open up my own place of work. For now I'm pleased with the offer she handed me yesterday, and I'm not looking back only forward.

So while I was typing this last night, I noticed this:
Everything in life is most fundamentally a gift.
And you receive it best and you live it
best by holding it with very open hands.
Leo O'Donovan

Over Heated

As soon as I feel better I'll post some good things. Right now I've got a sinus headache from hell, that won't seem to go away. I've already tried taking some meds earlier after I had gotten home from an out of town interview. After things settle down I'll be back to post an update. It's going to take some time to figure out, if both of my prospective jobs that I'm looking at are willing to be as flexible as I am. The only trouble that I'm having is what kind of questions I should be asking. I have already checked out both companies and what they offer in Massages both are very good. One pays more than the other, one is to open next month or even sooner, the other doesn't open until either later this fall or until January of next year depends on how fast the work is being done to the hotel. Both are not far from home one is looking for someone that knows the area. The other is located near shopping centers. That's all the information I can give at this time, I'm headed for bed, so I can heal. Good Night.

HNT By request

Yes this is by request, I don't usually flaunt what I have. One week from today I get to see a plastic surgen to have a breast reduction done. I'm not one bit scared just hopeful that this will be a success and no complications afterwards.

Looking at my breast I can almost point out, where each scar is where I had lumps removed. I know :::creepy:::.

Happy HNT!

I Wasn't Ready For This

I know strange title, this post is going to reflect on a few things. So please just bare with me, while I try to sort this whole mess out. And maybe put what energy that I have left into my house work. By the way dear husband I'll get to it to. :) And you know I do love you.

I have thought about what went on here this weekend, to me it seemed like a dream that someone would wake me up and say who are you talking to? Knowing all to well it was my brother that is finally home. I say this only because it was his idea to leave family that would have helped in any way possible. His wife didn't want to move. I feel that life can throw us a curve ball not once but a few times. He had every thing. Only he wanted more. He got more and then some. He left a home that was given to him 4 yrs ago. She was very happy and content to live right there on the place that he grew up, strangest thing is he's not living too far from were we did grow up. Makes me wonder if he's regretting what he did?

Our visit was somewhat a little passive. We are a hugiging loving family. Somehow I wasn't sure how to take him being home. Mostly mixed emotions happy he's back, sad that he should have said something anything to let us know he was hurting in some way. I feel that he does need help emotionally. I did pick up on his energy, he's very disconnected in some ways blames others for what happen on this day 4 yrs ago. I'm trying my hardest not to repeat what I've already explained somewhere else. This isn't easy writing. When your dealing with verbal abuse it's hard to write about. That I know. Only as CH has said he's taking it to the next level, where CH never did he's only read my diaries. Yes I'm emotionally drained at the moment, took me a while to workout late this morning. I eat what I want, drink when I remember to have a glass of water. I feel so numb...Like I've been hit by a storm of some sorts, if that's a good way of describing myself. I've shed a few tears, haven't cried myself to sleep yet, I'm waiting for that to happen. Keeping it together for our boys they don't need to know any of this all they need to know is their uncle and aunt love them very much.

I and s-I-l's talk which turned into a three way, (get mind out of gutter)! She is giving me my moms ashes, guest book, and death certificate. There is money set aside after the property had sold, it's sitting in a bank in Id, if they can't work it out then it gets divided I'm so mad at my brother I could ring his f'ing neck! There are a few things that I will not part with, another china cabinet that goes to my sister if she can save enough money to get her own place. A writing desk that has been in the family for years, I used when I was in high school that I did my homework on, it needs work done to it. I'll find a place for it. Nick nacks that I have to go through, that worth a lot of money. I can't keep them I have no space for them I'll go through them to see what I can take otherwise they will go up for sale. We should have done this right after my mom passed away she agreed with me, it has a lot to do with the travel distance timing was never right. I have no choice, I've got to go down there and see what I can do.

I know I can't do any thing emotionally for her, except tell her she is still welcome to my house any time. Family is very important to me, she knows that. She very much loves my brother he needs to wake up, and smell the coffee before it's too late. I really thought that we had gotten through to him, if I had known he was yelling at her I would've turned around and went after them. She's very upset over this whole situation, she is planning on going into hiding if need be.

There is also some unfinished business with my moms estate, not something that I was even looking forward in handling since. I'm dealing with C. With his behavior issues which by the way are getting better with each passing day. Like I said I've done a lot of bouncing around sorry folks but that's how I'm feeling today.

As for my brother he's, staying with a classmate of mine from high school. It's going to take a lot on his part and her part to put it back back together and make it stronger. She's not going to give in so easily to my brother, understandable there I know of his temper, know what it's like to be scared to death. When he was doing some bad stuff in his younger years. It kind of boils down to this, he's in denial of yelling at his wife, he thinks he does no wrong been there with CH. I Know damn well that this going to take more, than just us talking to him. It will have to be someone that knows how to deal with guys like both CH and my brother. We weren't raised this way, we were taught to love one another and never hurt, all that does is leave scares that heal.

At last seeing him in a light that I know of all to well, I'm praying for mercy on his heart. And he realizes this is not a game this is real. Having a little baby girl that he loves very much, she's going to need him when she gets older. We did try to explain to him that kids even babies pick up on the bad energy, they feel our sadness, they feed off our love. I'm sure he doesn't want to have her grow up and finding this to be love because it's not. It's hurtful, it's painful, and it's not a way for any woman to live.

On July 4, 03 brought my mom home from hospital, July 12,03 I was called to the hospital where I was born at, my mom was on life support. I was told to come quickly and not to drive myself. CH was with his parents she followed him here, took our boys home with her, I and CH met everyone at the hospital including her brother and s-I-L. She had underwent a 7 bypass surgery six days before her passing, I prayed that her recovery would go smoothly. Alas it didn't, she died at the same hospital that I was born at. Her passing was quick she suffered nothing. The world didn't stop for my broken heart. Time seemed to stop, in some ways, then again I knew I wouldn't see her any more. I still have pics of her one I've missed place I'm sure I'll find it when I'm not looking for it.

I've spent so much time on this post. I realize that I went on different paths throughout this post. In due time I will post some thing more vibrant. I have some pics that I took the day before the 4th of our boys I'll post them. When I find the time to do so. Today is their last day of Summer School it's going to be a little tough posting much. I will give it a shot though.

Don't Worry About A Thing

Because everything is going to be alright.

These are the words our oldest has been singing and for some reason, while the t.v. is on. The same exact words, came back he must have picked up on the signs mom's job isn't working for us. And he heard a message on our answering machine for me. Another job interview this time for a place that I've read about. So I called the place, she called me back. She explained to me how much they make being a massage therapist working for them, what kind of benefits they offer. Basically if I don't make around $15.00 per hour, or bring in enough tips I'll be busted down to $6.75. Now that's something for me to really think about the driving distance it 35 minutes, the other that I'm interviewing for a second time is 45 minutes and pays $20.00 per hour. I"m praying for a good drive tomorrow for my second interview I've already had my fair share of how people drive near the bay area. I will explain why I was there in a few minutes, I received several leads read them carefully most if not all want someone who is a massage therapist esthetican. So that leaves me out, I'm not an esthetican I don't work with people's faces or give a light massage that you don't feel anything. We'll I'll be throwing that one out with tonight's trash, some want you to be licened before applying. That's another strike against me, it would cost me $165.00 to take the exam and if I don't pass it the first time around. I have to pay another $165.00 in order to retake the test. There are a few that I would be interested if the drive wasn't such a pain in the ass, some are not far from the state capital. Not quite what I had in mind the pay is good but drive sucks I've been through that area know what it's like not something I want to do, the pay I'm not even going to mention it's really high.

Now on to what I was doing, in the bay area or close to it? I had my second appointment for my breast, I explained to her that my left feel like it's still swollen she asked if I've been doing my monthly exams I've failed to do so. I know, I know, I'm suppose to check them but lately with everything that has been going on It's one of those things that had slipped my mind. I've also told her I can't afford to buy new bras every three to four months just because my left side is bigger than my right. I told her I had seen the video on the breast surgery, she contacted them again through her computer in her office. Which means they are suppose to contact me sometime this or next week, I did tell her I've been having all of my bra straps cut into me I only have one that is pretty comfortable. By providing the information she needed that will get the ball moving in the right direction. It will be the end of a double d on one side, and just do some work on the right since it's smaller in size, about a c cup. I'm hoping to have this done by Christmas, knowing my luck I'll have it done next Jan.

I would also like to add this to my post, for all to enjoy. As I took a closer look it's not one of my best poses, I'm beginning to feel very self conscious again. I do work out I should do it a little more, having a pool in the back yard, is going to help a lot. The breast reduction is really going to help I sit up as tall as I can so my left side is cutting into me. It doesn't matter what vitamin's I take I still have the same problems my body rejects them, I haven't found the time to get a massage for myself. First thing first is get the job, then go and see someone to work on my back. So here's my pic for HNT, I know it's been a while since I've done one only for this reason I don't feel my best on the outside, but on the inside I'm starting to shine once more. I'm also down to 172lbs so I lost 5lbs, I would rather lose than gain.


I also got into youngsters room earlier this morning it was a pain to do, but it had to get done. I ended up throwing out so many broken toys including the one's they get in the happy meals. And when I got home this afternoon, six hands are better than two after some good old fashion talk or no pool, they decided they needed to help. It's finally a room that is in order. It's so late my body is telling me it's bed time I also have to get CH up so he can go to work. Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!